The Wal-Mart Movie Value-Packs From Hell

A review by Nick Peron

In writing this review, I hereby renounce any illusions people may have had about how alternative I appear to be. Believe it or not, you're ever wonderful Nick, the dork-without-a-face (whatever the fuck that means) is not a counter-culture god among men. Nay, he be a mere mortal with human frailities and desires. He sleeps, he shits, he fucks, and sometimes he shops at Wal-Mart. The reality of the situation is that as I write this I'm 26 years old, and I really don't give a shit about what corporation the kids are trying to "smash" this month (or whatever the post third-wave-punk-totally-commercialized-I-think-I'm-Edgy-because-I-can-quote-Jello-Biafra-punk-rocker kids call it)

And besides, If I didn't go there, I woudln't have an article to write.

Anyway, as I was at the local Wal-Mart with my girlfriend (possitivly one of the strong willed and awesome women on the planet since she puts up with me and my shit movies and rants about comic books. She is indeed a wonderful woman and deserves a medal) hoping to capitalize on their low low prices, and make fun of the trendy teenagers who would otherwise not be caught dead in a Wal-Mart. Each trip brings me to the movie section.

Why am I going to the movie section at Wal-Mart, you ask? I know what you're thinking, "Nick you dumb ass, you're only going to find movies that are pumped out by the major film industries" Well that's not an entirely true statement. If you pull your elitist head out your ass and look in the bargain bins at Wal-Mart, you'll find that there are a lot of shit movies pumped out by distributors you've never even heard of and perhaps might have strange mob ties to get their wares into a Wal-Mart. Sure, you're not going to find anything by the true indepenants, but for people who like BAD movies (and we're not talking about Julia Roberts bad, we're talking micro-budget films) Wal-Mart is certainly not lacking in that department. But that's a subject for another day, because this review is for the other kinds of movies I go and get at Wal-Mart:

The classic horror movies. Fuck ordering the Halloween movies online, or going to a record or video store and paying the highest "reasonable" mark-up price for movies, if it's mainstream and a classic, I'm going to go and buy it at Wal-Mart. One thing I recently noticed about Wal-Mart is that they now have a large variety of value-packed movies. What with DVD technology and cheap packaging allowing the studios to cram four or five of their movies into on standard DVD case and charge me a fraction of what it would cost for each movie sepratly, I'm not going to complain!

Recently I picked up three of these collections: The Omen Collection, The Termors Collection, and the Leperchaun Collection. Here's what I think....

The Omen Collection:

This contains the three original Omen films: The Omen, Damien: The Omen 2, and The Omen 3: The Final Conflict. What was previously offered in a huge box set for about 50 bucks was now being sold to me by Wal-Mart in a space conserving single disc size case for 14 dollars. Not bad, and from the looks of things it looks like these are the exact same versions as what came with said box set... Well minus the 4th film (which I have never seen, but it is apparently garbage anyway.)

The set was nicely put togeather, each film had it's own disc.

While the Omen movies are considered horror classics, after watching all three of them I felt disappointed with them. I mean, granted I wasn't around during the whole 70's fear of the devil craze that was a hit in theaters (You know the Omen came out in the same decade as the Amytville Horror, the Exorcist and... uhg... Touch of Satan right?) I mean they were Satan crazy in the 70's and they made the movies to prove it. But, watching these movies today, they aren't that frightening, and the devil comes off as more of an asshole that likes to fuck with people and occasionally kills in horrific ways. The "original" horror creature is not that frightening by todays standards. What's more disappointing is that the Omen 3 is that it's called the Final Conflict, and yet there is no Armageddon. Just Damien getting stabbed and dying. What no 1/3rd of humanity getting killed? No hell on Earth? No rapture? What a fucking rip off. Someone should send Satan a memo and tell him he can't get away trying to pull Armageddon on a shoe-string budget.

The Tremors Attack Pack:

Contains all four Tremor movies: Tremors, Tremors 2: Aftershocks, Tremors 3: Back to Perfection, and Tremors 4: The Legend Begins

This set crams all four movies on two double sided discs. I hate these fucking things. Double sided discs are the bane of my existance because half the time I can't even read which side I'm sticking in because the print on the plastic ring in the center of the disc is so damn hard to read. The other thing is, why the fuck do they still release these damn things? You can go out and get single sided discs with the same fucking capacity, there is no excuse for having these damn things. What the fuck is wrong with Universal Pictures? Huh? Did they buy out a whole warehouse in China full of these damn things and are trying to get rid of them all?

Anyway, what can I say about the Tremor movies? Well they're entertaining and who could have thought they could make four sequels to a movie about giant underground worms. The only blight I can think of is the inclusion of Kevin Bacon in the first movie. Ever since having to endure the horror of seeing his penis pushed up against the fabric of a Speedo in Friday the 13th and then seeing it in full horror in Wild Things, I have had nothing but pure dispisement for Kevin Bacon for having possibly one of the most frighteningly ugly penises I've seen in my life. Thankfully, he keeps his pants on in this movie, but I'm left to cringe whenever they showed a shot of him. Each sequel though at least features characters from the previous films, lesser actors all granted, but it's nice to see that they kept a level of continuity that wasn't overbearing and immutable like some franchises, Although it appears that their constant use of the Gummer character showed how many people were still interested in Tremors (although, in the third film features the return of Robery Jayne, a number of child actors from the 80's and 90's I wanted to fucking BELT across the face.) The third film was a pilot for the short lived TV series, and the 4th film proved to be a prequel snoozefest.

That last critique adds to my theory about horror franchises, while I originally thought that taking your horror franchise and placing it in space (See Jason X, Hellraiser: Bloodlines, Leprechaun 4, and Muppets From Space for example) It is the kiss of death to your franchise. However, this fourth Tremors movie suggests that perhaps it's not just taking your movie monster and putting them in a space in the distant future, but perhaps also moving them back into the wild west. Be weary of Ghoulies 5: How The West Was Won that may be coming to your local direct-to-video-store.

Leprechaun Triple Feature:

This contains the first three Leprechaun movies, all on single discs. While the transfer of the first two films appears pretty good, the third film suffers poorly because it looks like it was transferred from a VHS master tape, it's not bad quality, it's just noticlby worse (Not as bad as some other transfers, like the Prom Night Collection)

What can I say about the Leprechaun movies, when I initially only had seen the first film and it was sub-par and not really that entretaining. Jennifer Aniston pre-nose-job being chased around by Warwick Davis in a Leprechaun suit. That's the midget from Willow? What the hell. I kept away from the sequels because everybody told me that they sucked. But I decided now that I want to be the king of shit movies (at least in my neighborhood) I was going to give them another go, and for 10 bucks I wasn't going to be foolishly parting with much.

Watching these films now is actually entertaining, Warwick Davis could have taken these films as a demeaning step-down playing a cookie-cutter horror movie monster during a time where they were a dime a dozen. However, he really plays up the Leprechaun and you can tell this is a role he has fun doing. The level of nastyness of the Leprechaun character is so perfect, I can look past his constant rhymes (Which would usually get on my nerves) The movies are corny, and the other characters in each film are unappealing and uninteresting, and laughable (Like the male lead in Part 3 who had teeth that belong in the mouth of a cartoon rodent) All in all, the Leprechaun movies in this set are entertaining to watch if you're not expecting to watch. Now I just have to muster up the courage to watch Leprechaun in Space, Leprechaun In the Hood, and Leprechaun: Back 2 the Hood... Which I get the feeling is a hard road to travel.

In summation, if shopping at Wal-Mart isn't a compromise of your morals and you want to save a buck getting every damn movie in a franchise without selling a butt-load of money on single disc releases, check out your local Wal-Mart's entertainment section, you might find what you're looking for.