Slaughtered Vomit Dolls

A Review by Nick Peron

So one day my girlfriend Em was trying to find something interesting for us to watch, the girl is freakishly good at finding movies that capture my attention and qualify for my warped idea of what qualifies as entertainment. So far she hadn't steered me wrong, and she's been able to find some pretty shlocky films. You know you have something special when she'll activly seek out a movie where Brit's are being violently anal probed by aliens and watch it with you (the movie I speak of here is Evil Aliens not Slaughtered Vomit Dolls... give me a minute I'm getting sentimental here.)

So one day she comes across a movie called Slaughtered Voimt Dolls, and she knew, she just knew that this was something I was going to want to see. By title alone. With a title like that you're looking at getting two things: (1) being a really awesome movie or (2) a huge pile of rancid dog shit. Both of which, for whatever depraved reasons I usually find entertaining.

The movie was made by "Lucifer Valentine" (I doubt that's his real name) and the movie is exactly what the movie promises.... mostly.... mostly. There is vomiting (lots of it) and people are slaughtered, and they are girls, if you want to call them "dolls" or not depends on how low your standards are, because Mr. Valentine didn't exactly pick fashion runway models for his object d'art.

So other than the obvious, what the fuck is this movie about? Well from the lucid plot and reading the synopsis on the movies official site, it's about a nineteen year old bulimic, runaway, stripper turned prostitute who's life is full of psychotic episodes and there's a lot of references to worshiping Satan. What Satan worshiping have to do with the rest of the movie, isn't really fleshed out.

So in a nut shell, we see this girl, she talks about her life, and in between we have a series of jump cuts of people vomiting and being murdered. That's pretty much it.

So what do I think about this movie? Well if looking at the stuff on the website, (and if you bother) watching the movie, the movie can only be summed up as trying too hard to be offensive. It boasts that it's been rejected from every major horror movie film festival (I somehow find that doubtful, but whatever...) but I can hardly see why this movie is so "vile and disgusting" because the sight of people puking isn't that shocking, especially self induced vomiting. Honestly, it's not that gross unless your a total pussy.

It's also very, very difficult not to pigeon hole Valentine into this Myspace goth stereotype with his over-the-top "trying to be as disgusting as possible", Satan worshiping, prostitute movie. I mean in all honesty, it's hard not to envision the maker of this movie as a total swish of a goth that takes the works of Anton Levey a little too seriously.

The movie itself must have took a long fucking time to edit, because there are literally billions of jump cuts, segments have contrast cranked up, the speed of the film (and audio) is often distorted, sped up, or slowed down, or made to look very rough and old. It looks like it's film style was inspired by Anti-Christ Superstar era Marilyn Manson music videos, only without the music and rock stars. Just a skinny naked girl puking in a toilet.

Some highlights to this movie is an excessively long scene where somebody is getting their eyeballs hacked out by a screw driver. No kidding, the scene takes about five minutes of slow motion eyeball hacking out of a prosthetic head. It's made over the top gory and excessively violent, but it doesn't work so well because the next shot shows the intended victim (sans eyes) with a lot less blood on their face moving around and vomiting on a glass table. I don't know about you reading this at home, but if somebody was pounding my eyeballs out of their sockets with a screw driver, all I figure I'd be able to do is drool slightly, let alone be able to get up and (while blinded) find a glass coffee table to puke on.

There is a pretty cool scene where a girl gets her face ripped off, but it takes forever to get to that point, but still, give credit where credit is due and it's a very nice special effect.

Finally, the last thing I have to point out, is a scene where this guy just appears and does his own puking, there's a scene where he eats a brain pukes it up into a mug an drinks it and pukes it up again. Why this is put in? Fuck if I can tell you, at least as far as plot. My guess it's probably either the maker of this film, or one of his buddies, showing off the fact that they can puke all over the place and then drink their own puke.

I bet his mother is so proud.

All said in done, what's my final opinion about this movie? It's fucking boring. Even more, it's not even shocking or disgusting at all. Watching it is kind of like playing playing a game with all the cheat codes on and beating it over and over. After a certain amount of time of seeing the same thing over and over it seems less like fun, or entertainment, but more like a chore. That's what this movie is like. It's like doing something fun that becomes a chore.

And that's because the the guy who made this fucking movie tried far to hard to make a disturbing and gross movie, that he failed to put anything it that would make people want to watch it all the way through. If this guy is making movies for an audience outside people with a vomit fetish, I think he needs to go back and figure out how to make an story that hooks his viewers, because a movie like this isn't going to keep peoples attention for very long. Anyone with the balls to sit through it is going to find themselves very bored, very quick.

If you want to watch an interesting, and disturbing movie, I'd recommend something of a higher caliber like Bloodsucking Freaks or I Spit on Your Grave. So, for the record: Slaughtered Vomit Dolls is exceedingly boring, prepare to be bored out of your mind. But hey, don't take my word for it, check it out yourself.

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