Mystery On Monster Island

A review by Michael O'May

 Sometimes I ask myself, am I retarded? You would have to be to do what I do for fun. I sit down and dissect the shittiest movies I can find, on purpose! Why oh why do I do it? Because on the surface it’s such a fucking waste of time, I do it because someone has to, someone has to sift thorough a river of shit to find that random gold nugget.

   Mystery has all the ingredients on paper that should make it an amazing b-movie. First of all it’s set on an island called fucking “Monster Island”! (No it’s not the same one in Japan full of Kaiju). Secondly it’s got a pretty kick ass cast, Terence Stamp fresh off of playing General Zod, Paul Naschy, and Peter Cushing! So you could imagine my enthusiasm while hunted all week to find this flick packed in a double feature from FOX with “Gorilla at large”.  I knew my chances of a good movie were pretty slim but still I liked those odds.

Mystery on Monster Island sadly isn’t a gold nugget, it isn’t pyrite either, it’s just shit.

  Those great actors I mentioned, they get all together about 5 minutes of screen time. There’s a fucking chimpanzee the director seems to favor more that Peter Cushing, who I could watch clipping his toenails for 2 hours and still be entertained, but a fucking monkey? Sweet Jesus if it’s not throwing shit or hanging out with Clint Eastwood I’m not interested. I don’t think it was a matter of money either, this just seems to be lack of foresight from the director, that or they couldn’t meet Cushing’s demand for boy-whores.

  As I watched I couldn’t help but feel this movie was one wasted chance after another in favor of family friendly humor. Nobody is ripped apart by monster, tits are not a flying, and there isn’t even any sense of danger at all. What do we get instead? Horrible looking monsters, now your thinking this is some 60’s flick right, so of course the effects suck. No this is from 1981 and they look like something you would see in a carnival funhouse run by blind people. I wish the numb-nuts behind this flick spent more money on effects and less on monkeys.

  There is a plot I have thus far neglected just because it leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. Here goes. An English noble lives in Victorian era San Francisco, why? I have no idea why sorry. His ba-jillionare uncle (Cushing) wants him to become a man and get married. The noble however doesn’t want that yet, he hasn’t seen the world, had adventures, or fucked women in other countries. So his kind uncle throws him on a boat with his teacher bound to see the world and hopefully lay a lot of pipe.

  Along the way though the boat is attacked by frog people (yes I said frog people) and sinks leaving the rich kid, and his increasingly limp-wristed teacher stranded on a tropical island. What follows is an hour of bad shenanigans involving more bad special effects, more monkey jokes, and a black guy they find in the woods.

  The worst part in this mess is the ending though. They have the balls to write off all the bad effects, insane story and bad acting as a plot point. I’ll save you the trouble of sitting through the whole movie to find the twist, if you don’t catch it in the first 20 minutes. It’s all fake, the whole adventures, the monsters, the frog people, the dinosaurs, the fucking volcano, all put together by Peter Cushing so his grandson can feel like a hero and get married- aw what a great uncle. I never understood the preoccupation with well off people at the turn of the century. The vast majority then was close to homeless so why do we focus on that small minority?  I guess Paris Hilton trapped on an island is more fun than tiny-Tim.

  The acting is horrid, and usually dubbed. The plot is paper thin and full of holes. The talent that is there is wasted. The money is spent in all of the wrong places. And worst of all it’s just not fun, it’s a chore to sit through this movie.

This movie needs:
Real dinosaurs that actually kill people
No pointless sub plot involving gold in a fake volcano
More Paul Naschy
Less monkey Hyjinks.
Maybe a midget or two
Tits

Save your 14.99 and avoid this one like a cheap hooker.

I give it 1 dead Peter Cushing out of 5 (just because Peter Cushing is actually in it)

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