Mercury Man

A review by Michael O'May

I love discovering a new movie. It’s a little difficult mind you because of my actual bill paying job (I wish it was this really I do, but instead I’m a spineless company man) and my girlfriend who eat a lot of my time but recently I came into some free time so I did lots of catching up on the thing I love the most, movies. Video barn is a local still in business mom and pop store run by a crazy Indian guy here in Rochester, it has been the best place to go for hundreds of miles if you want movies from other regions, and that’s what I found on Friday night. So what did I discover? And was it good?

Mercury Man and no it sucks.

On paper (aren’t they always) Mercury Man has the right pedigree to just kick all sorts of ass. It’s brought to by the people behind the ever ass kicking Ong-Bak (a movie I fucking love) and features a very cool hero suit design that is a weird mix of Spider man and Thai culture that some how comes out very cool and not totally derivative. But that’s where the buck stops with Mercury Man, the movie is beyond comprehension as the plot makes little to no sense at all and the action scenes fall flat time and time again despite the people behind them.

The plot the best I can sum it up is this:

There’s this young firefighter who has too much fire in his heart that leads him to take risks he shouldn’t to save the day but he knows karate or kung fu or kickboxing or some chop socky thing that lets get out of any jam and look smooth doing it. Well there are also some terrorists that are Thai (that insist on speaking English badly) that are after two magical stones and the freedom of their inept leader (who also speaks really bad English for no reason). The terrorists break out their master who for some reason dresses like Osama Bin Laden and steal the stones (which happen to be continently in the jail too) but the feisty kung fu fire fighter gets in the way and ends up with one of the stones lodged in his heart.

The terrorists go on a suicide bombing spree that is capped off by a bizarre scene where an American boy hits on a Bosnian girl at a bar, after a second of talking she says “May the force be with you” and she blows her self up. Seriously that’s what happens, I had to watch it 3 times but there it is, she quotes star wars before committing suicide. No fucking clue what that’s supposed to mean at all and a perfect example of what’s wrong with this movie.

The fire fighter learns that the stone lodged in his heart is magical and it grants him very vague powers (or at least I’m assuming the fucking rocket scientists behind this gem never fully explain them and when they do it’s in bad English). The fire fighter asks his post-op transsexual sidekick to make him a costume (yes his side kick is a dude with an inside out penis and fake tits) and he spends a good twenty minutes stopping crime around town making as many spider man references as possible (don’t believe that one? Look at the picture above and see how they spray paint love letters to Spiderman all over the movie but misspell them every time.)

The bad guys hatch one of the most retarded schemes ever to blow up an American battleship stationed locally in the movie (I think Bangkok) called the U.S.S. 9-11. Yes for some reason they have a battle ship called the U.S.S. 9-11, this is even more retarded than the tranny side kick or quoting star wars before you commit suicide. You’d be offended but by this point they have been pissing in your eyes for so long you don’t even notice. Anyways, the entire plot gets foiled by a fucking tour guide and Mercury Man kicks everybody’s ass including their best attempt at an equally comic bookish bad guy, an ice chick. And then that’s it. It’s over and thank god.

Your probably also wondering about the quality of the action sequences seeing as the Ong-Bak people are involved. They suck; they have no pace and rely way too much on wire work, unlike sadly Ong-Bak. When the Mercury Man character finally appears they switch almost entirely to bad C.G. which I see no reason for beyond the novelty of it, but hey I guess having a guy dressed like Spiderman jump high is beyond their effects team. They really could have delivered more considering what they are capable of. 

So that’s it, the movie is a complicated mess that seems like it was written by a 12 year old, and it has an obsession with American culture, but no understanding of it at all. The only thing to see it for is the neat costume design. I don’t expect this ever to get mainstream attention in the states for its oblivious very odd views on American culture like weird references to 9-11 and star wars, and not to mention Spiderman. Check it out but as a curiosity only; don’t expect much from this beyond head scratching moments.

One Z’Dar out of Five.

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