A Critical Look At the Many Victims of the Friday the 13 Movies
A Review by Nick Peron
Friday the 13th Part 3 - In 3D:
DID YOU KNOW?: This movie was originally filmed in 3-D, however, it's never been released in 3-D since it came out on video. Ever. Not even the DVD release. Which is absolutely fucking absurd, I spent 80 bucks on the damn thing and they couldn't use the original 3-D masters and provide fucking 3-D glasses? New Line Cinema did it with Freddy's Dead
Andy:
Fashion Report : I'd ask him if he ever discovered shirt sleeves. I'm sorry, but his fashion sense is a disaster. What is up with his hair cut? Is he trying to look like Donny Osmand? His chiseled features are also defeated by his puffy cheeks. But who am I to judge?
Chili
First thing I'd like to point out is that Chili is a stoner. What kind of teenagers hang out with 40 year old stoners named Chili anyway? Who names their kid Chili for that matter? Were her parents really fond of Chili Willy cartoons as children or something? I have a strange suspicion that bong water was used as a substitute for breast feeding with this one.
Chris
If I ever met Chris in real life, I'd ask her out on a date, she's so pretty. I wonder what she sees in her boyfriend though. She looks really good in stripey shirts. She gets my vote for the prettiest girl in the movies. Look at her.. awww.. She's so cute... and I bet she really like to sit in and talk about stuff that have real meaning and she's probably got a really great mind and we'd go out and walk on the beach and... er, I mean, man I'd do her. There we go, had to reassert my masculinity for a moment there (or something.)
Chuck
Say hi to Chuck everyone! Another stoner! Because nothing makes a movie funnier than a dirty stoner! OH MAN HE IS SO FUNNY! God, I hate pot jokes, and this pissant third rank Cheech Maron irritates me to no end. I was hoping when he was smoking up in he outhouse he'd ignite the methane gas and get blown up. But no such luck.
Debbie
Dear Debbie, can you like, maybe, not try so hard. I mean, seriously. I talked to Sally on the phone yesterday, and she says that you are such a poser. We saw you necking with that guy at the mall in front of the Hot Topic the other night, and we were like "Gawd, what a slut." And what is up with that hair, you like tryin' to be like Farah Faucet or some shit? Gawd, girl, you so uuuuhglay.
Fox
Now when you look like that, having a name like Fox should be considered false advertising. NEXT!
Loco
Everyone give Loco a hand, you know you made a bad choice being in a tough-as-nails biker gang when you have the same hair-cut my dad did in the 50's. Good job. Loco should also change his name to greasy. Because he is, indeed, very greasy.
Rick
Rick is Chris' boyfriend, and I have but one question to ask about Rick: How old are you? 35? And your dating an 18 year old? There's something wrong about that, legal or not. Rick fucks up everything I think, he can't even have a cool eye-ball exploding out of the head trick. Also, I think that Rick should wear a shirt at all times. I don't remember if he ever took his off in this movie, but the idea is certainly frightening.
Shelly
You are the coolest guy ever, and I seriously mean that, you certainly aren't as annoying as Ned or Ted, other previous practical jokers. In fact Shelly, if we were to hang out, I'd buy you a beer! Somebody get this man a medal of honor!
This man's unjust death must be avenged!
Vera
How dare you cast down your judgment on Shelly! He is a great man! To stand in judgment of Shelly is to stand in judgment of a god! Do you not see his wallet throwing skills? Do you not delight in his prankish behavior? No, you shit all over Shelly. You shit all over him, until the poor guy gets himself killed. At least he died in a cool way, unlike you miss "I get shot in the eye by an arrow on a string".. People like you make me sick!
