A Critical Look At the Many Victims of the Friday the 13 Movies
A Review by Nick Peron
Friday the 13th Part 2:
DID YOU KNOW?: That in this movie Jason runs around in over-alls and a burlap sack on his head? It's also widely agreed that this look is "fucking retarded" as opposed to "scary and menacing" Did you also know, that they perfected the annoying lead actress screaming effect by looping the sound of her screaming in post? True story. I saw it on the interview on the bonus DVD.
Jeff:
Although not a whole lot is developed about his past, due to his choice in hats, I believe that Jeff was a young lad who sold news papers on the cold street corners of Cumcurrey Westershire, in Corkmouth Fucklebutts, Britain (That's part of the UK you know!) Oh, and he drives a truck. That's another thing I got from this character. He drives a truck and he's really good at it.
Alice:
Alice is left over from the last movie, so essentially, in horror movie kill terms, she'd a re-run.. Or something.. Anyway, She's a survivor. She gets killed, and she has nothing to do with the rest of the movie, except for that she ties the two together for something or other. You know, because we all care deeply about the continuity between one movie or another (And weren't we all outraged with Part 5 when they said Jason was cremated, and then it turned out he wasn't? MAN I WAS SO PISSED OFF!! HOW COULD THEY DO THAT TO ME? HOW!!!!)
Mark:
One of the first things we learn about Mark is that he really sucks at riding motorcycles. In fact, he sucked at riding motorcycles so much he's in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Constantly at war with city council to put fuckin' ramps everywhere, and getting railings put in all the stalls in public rest rooms. Mark has gone from being a total puss at riding motorcycles to being an advocate for handi-capable rights! In fact, in this movie he fights for his right to get hit in the face with a butcher knife by a homicidal maniac, just like any other person without a disability. Although, his crusade was marred when he was allowed to roll back on and tumble down a staircase shortly after, and the handicapped community was outraged. A fundraiser for the Mark "I suck at motorcycles" memorial ramp has begun to see that any and all handicapped individuals will never have to suffer the indignities of being savagely murdered without easy access to all areas of the camp.
Ralph:
This is Ralph, he is crazy, he rides a bicycle, and he enjoys wearing Fedoras and vests. His favorite word is "doomed", and uses every possible opportunity to use it in a sentence. For example, when ordering soup from the diner, he'll casually say to the waitress "This soup is doomed!" before consuming it.
Sandra:
Looks like she is 12 years old, which makes it kind of wrong when she starts having sex with Jeff. He giant misshapen breasts are not exactly all that great to look at. She is the girlfriend of Jeff if you haven't picked up on that yet. She enjoys public sex, guys with trucks and stupid hats, and looking like she's 12.
Scott:
One word to describe Scott is: Greasy.
He's also one of those guys who pretends they're all suave ladies men, but probably backs out at the last minute before laying a chick because he already shot his load trying to put the condom on because he gets so excited. He also enjoys sling shots, and I think he has fantasies of being Dennis the Menace. He must also trample his neighbors flowers.
Ted:
I fucking hate you Ted.
Terri:
Is the near anorexic health junkie who is a total bitch and has a little piece of shit fro-fro doggie. She is constantly the object of greasy Italian guys with no charm. She prove that a life of athleticism leads to wanton and random acts of skinny dipping leading to death. In a twist of fate that shows that God has a sense of humor, her little yuppie dog out lives her, and is quite possibly the only virgin on the set (until Ted got a hold of her that is.)
Vicki:
Another one who has bad taste in underwear, also she proves that you can love a man even if he does suck at motorcycles. Her idea of a fun night is hanging out with people in wheelchairs and playing crappy hand held video games from the early 80's. Where was this girl when I was in high school?
