A Critical Look At the Many Victims of the Friday the 13 Movies
A Review by Nick Peron
Friday the 13th:
DID YOU KNOW?: That the first Friday the 13th movie did not star Jason Voorhees as the killer? But it was instead his mom? And she gets her head chopped off? It's true! Oh, you haven't seen the movie? I ruined the ending? Awww, I'm sorry.
In the first Friday the 13th film we are presented with possibly some of the most seriously scared characters of the series, because they are really screaming. They really scream a lot, in fact it annoys me how much they scream. In fact, some nights I can't sleep because the screams are in my head. I get mad at Betsy Palmer (who played Jason's mother) for having perfect teeth. No psycho woman has perfect teeth like that. You look like Howdy Doodey, Miss Palmer! And that is the most frightening part of this movie.
But enough with this exposition island tour, let's get onto the meat and potatoes of this here review and start talking about the many deep, and well written characters in this Friday the 13th movie.
Also note, that in most cases, I'm only looking at the people that Jason managed to kill, only with a few exceptions, so yeah, that's all I gotta say. PS: This is only marginally funny if you've seen the movies.
Annie:
Strengths: Nice, vibrant smile, can really carry a back pack, cooks.
Weaknesses: Getting killed first in the first movie is so slutty. She just gave it away with no thought what-so-ever.
Gets Killed By: Throat cut, revealing inner second throat inside.
Where She Would Be Today If She Survived: Cooking, that's all she ever seems to do these days. The man of the house has to go out and make a living, and I'm stuck in here all day cooking for these three little monsters I squeezed out, and cleaning up after them. Thank god for my stories on TV, otherwise I'd have no joy in my suffocating marriage life.
Bill:
Strengths: Manly chest (sorta), knows how to work a generator REALLY good, I guess he can play the guitar, he makes a great decoration for the back of your door.
Weaknesses: Sucks at strip Monopoly, doesn't look good in flannel, can't smell a trap very well, probably a very loud archery target until you get the first few arrows into him.
Gets Killed By: Being Pinned To the Door With Arrows.
Where He Would Be Today If He Survived: I envision the Bill would possibly move on to being a Steve Gutenberg impersonator until the 80's are over, and then move on to being a network admin at a small office that deals in printing off invoices for office supply stores. He'll probably still suck at strip Monopoly. He'd possibly be very sensitive about cupids arrows on valentines day.
Brenda:
Strengths: Reinventing popular board games with a stripping motif, dyeing off screen as to not leave a mess, a good projectile
Weaknesses: Really bad taste in underwear, holy shit. Also doesn't look very good in a rain slicker either.
Gets Killed By: Well we don't really know, she died off camera, but it was probably just as bad as her taste in underwear. Where the hell did you get them undies? Wal-Mart? Christ.
Where She Would Be Today If She Survived: Probably buying more of those god awful underwear, making it a point to sneer at all the fancy and sexy places. "Why am I going to throw my money away on slinky rags like that, I demand longevity in my under things!"
Jack:
Strengths: The only guy at Camp Crystal Lake who's dating a gal who puts out, and even then, this is Camp Crystal Lake, dating a girl who puts out is not a very hard accomplishment.. So I take that back.
Weaknesses: Wears a speedo, bad gag reflex, looks like Kevin Bacon, did I mention the speedo? It's only slightly less frightening than Kevin Bacon's penis shot in Wild Things.
Gets Killed By: Spear through the throat (hence my bad gag reflex joke gains a little humor. It would have been funnier if they stabbed him through the mouth.. Then you could make an effective penis joke... But, fuck it.)
Where He Would Be If He Survived: I see a big future in acting for Jack, he'd become a world renown actor, and will one day frighten the world with a full frontal nudity shot in which you'll have to rewind back to the lesbian love making scene and watch it over and over for 48 hours to burn the memory of THAT horrible penis from your mind.
Marcie:
Strengths: Being able to make it with Jack and not vomit all over him, makes a great axe holder.
Weaknesses: Goes out with Jack, has sex with Jack, kisses jack, probably gives Jack head, and lets Jack do her in the stink hole, probably even lets Jack piss in her hair sometimes. *sniff sniff* kind of off topic, but it smells like my neighbors in the apartment next door are cooking bacon and the smell of it is pissing me off.
Get's Killed By: I said she makes a great axe holder, how do you think she died? Stupid.
Where She Would Be If She Survived and Jack Died: She'll probably be really upset for a week, but that's okay, she met this really groovy guy named Glen Lantz
Where She Would Be If She Survived and Jack Did Too: Jack we've been together for 25 years, and I'm telling you, you haven't looked good in a speedo since you were 26! Fine! Go play in the water! I'm going to the beach house with this nice young life guard!
Ned:
I hate you Ned.
Steve Christy:
Strengths: Makes good cookies, looks like Ned Flanders.
Weaknesses: Should really wear a shirt, at all times, even when showering.
Gets Killed: with the greatest of ease.
What Would I Do If I Met Steve?: I'd ask Mr. Christy for his chocolate fudge stripe cookies, because Mr. Christy makes good cookies.
