The Link Between Nazis and Elves (& What I Watched to Recover)

By Rhonda Baughman

The italicized title is indeed a scrap of dialogue from a film that, while truly awful, is still more fun than all the CGI monster run amok offerings of the past five years. In 1989, Dan Haggerty (in several capacities) helped beget a little film called Elves – and unbeknownst to Dan – he uttered all of his lines with the tremors of dramatic sincerity, apparently unaware he was not in sincerely dramatic film. Which is bummer since he’s an interesting character actor and I am slightly jealous as he worked beside both a bear and an elf puppet and I, as of yet, have not.
The writers obviously took A LOT of stimulants to create this epic film – it radiates coke binge, actually. Not that I would know; it’s just one little writer’s observation. In several cases of truly astounding art, audiences can often ask themselves in quavering internal tones: how could someone (think/write/do/create, et al) such a thing? And I am a big fan of products birthing this question. It’s the why would some … question that irritates me. Elves is definitely a product of how … (my why is reserved for the new crop of fucking stinky jockstrap in theaters, including, but certainly not limited to pointless sequels, remakes, and “comedies” – that are well, pointless, remade, and not funny, respectively).
Elves is difficult to follow – mostly due to pacing (slow), dialogue (inept) and plot (jumbled), as well as the um, elves (I saw one, maybe two … my eyes slow blinked a lot). There was incest, MILF nakedness, and of course, the in-joke to Dawn of the Dead and site gag for Grizzly Adams. These are in addition to the Nazi angle, mind you. This film is no Shockwaves, but damn, it does get my vote as my holiday pick this year for at least attempting to combine the elements necessary for inclusion in an anti-Christmas Christmas video fest.
While all of the above is fine and good, as Local H says, there is still the part of me who wants to see a good, new(er) or new(ish) horror film. My brain is mushy from watching films without even vague hints at true horror. The last few years have given me other pains, as in the ass variety, as I sit and sit and sit … waiting … for someone, anyone – to give me something worth remembering, something worth reviewing.
Finally.
A little film opens called Quarantine . I know for a fact I’ve read something about the fact this is a remake – so I try to find the real source – and I do. A true friend lends me Rec – the original Spanish film. Combining the best of the hand-held camera horror genre (that is, listing The Blair Witch Project and Cloverfield as the top of the heap), the necessary elements of believable claustrophobia and psychological trauma (think the first two Romero Dead films and Tourist Trap ) and finally, the new breath of life we need in this era of entertainment excrement: is might be a virus, it might be a zombie, or oh, yeah – don’t go into that unused penthouse because there is a possessed girl thing sealed inside. Admittedly, I was sixth sensed, which is to state, I should have seen the obvious coming, but did not, and at the end of the film felt pleasantly lightheaded and fooled. Not duped, mind you, this is not a good thing to feel from a movie. So rather I felt fooled, as in GOTCHA! from behind, adrenaline rush, you should know better to look to the left when I am on the right …
And I liked the characters! I feel this needs to be stated, since it is so often what ruins films outright; unlikable characters chronically programmed for the ‘let’s go die’ moment. As one of my former film theory instructors pointed out to me, if you must have a character do something inane to advance your plot, um, you don’t have a plot. Now, as a former lover once said, if you don’t have narrative drive, you don’t have a narrative. Mercifully, Rec has it all: characters, plot, and drive. The best (or worst, I suppose) factor Rec also contains … that pesky hint of truth, that what if component crucial to keep you thinking about the film long after it has ended.
I’ve already offered enough spoilers for one review, but please feel free to watch and compare the two versions of the film. I only watched the Spanish version – I only wanted to watch this one version. And I know I chose correctly. I have done this before – many times before. It started with The Grudge and recently ended with, well … insert every remake/update you can think of from the past five years: chances are you’ll think of more of those than truly excellent, hyper-memorable originals. I agree with Rec – you should record everything, but that doesn’t mean all of it's golden tape to be watched.