The Best of Tromadance Volume 1

Deadbeats

Directed By: Barry Norman Starring: Mick Foley & Melissa McBride

What it is About: We're introduced to Bird, who is a thief that has been busted robbing a fast food place. His parole officer then gets him a job working at a collection agency. There he meets a woman who's in a dead-end marriage and is also in debt. They go for drinks at an airport bar and they had conversations where they commentated on various social issues, bi-polar disorder, collecting money from people, being a crook etc.

Review: Well what can I say? The movie stars WWE super-star Mick Foley (Yeah, the same guy who called himself Mankind and would run around in a leather bondage mask and act like an animal all the time.) and my opinion is that a wrestler is really good at acting like he's hitting someone, but he's not necessarily that great at acting like he's having a real conversation with someone. I will give Mr. Foley

Scenes from Deadbeats:

The coveted artistic shot.

You know, this probably isn't that much different from Mick Foley's real life.

Please Kill Mr. Kinski

Directed By: David Schmoeller Starring: David Schmoeller & Klaus Kinski (archival footage)

What it is About: Director David Schmoeller looks back at working with the late Klaus Kinski, recollecting back to the making of his film Crawlspace and the difficulty dealing with the actor. Klaus Kinski, being in well over 200 films, had gained a reputation of being a very difficult actor to work with (five gets you ten this guy would probably make other difficult actors like Russell Crowe look like a fucking piker in the difficulty level). The film contains archival footage, much of it showing Klaus himself going on rants about acting, how he hates directors, followed by a commentary by Schmoeller who also gave little anecdotes about the experience. In the end, even though Schmoeller states that he often felt like killing Klaus Kinski, he was a great actor.

Review: I really can't say that I've seen Crawlspace or any other films that were made by David Schmoeller, ditto for never having seen any movies that star Klaus Kinski (so get your Hotmail account open and ready to send a scathing e-mail to tell me I don't know anything about independent cinema once you finish this review! I enjoy hate mail!) so I'm going to have to say that I didn't really find this film very entertaining -- except for maybe the parts where they show footage of Mr. Kinski freaking out and ranting and raving about being ass-fucked by directors. It seems to me that this film one of an apologetic nature, considering what Schmoeller was quoted to have said about Kinski prior to his death, and that's about it. I was a little more than confused watching this film, and I had to do a bit of internet research into it, so really it's not really all that entertaining unless you have some intimate knowledge of either men's work, which I don't, so I didn't really like it.

Scenes From Please Kill Mr. Kinski

Uh-Oh! Looks like dad is trying to make home movies again!

Meanwhile, grandpa thinks he's a farm animal again. "What do you mean I'm not a sheep!?"

H.R. Pukenshette

Directed By: Steve Herold Starring: Joe McClean, Sabrina Gennarino & Kevin Kalack

What it is About: This is the story of The Dude & The Chick. Dude & Chick's relationship isn't going very well, and apparently Dude doesn't have a very large penis. She walks out on Dude, so Dude decides to drink himself into oblivion. What happens instead is that the poor guy ends up puking up his liquid death onto the coffee table. This pile of puke transforms into H.R. Pukenshette, Dude's guardian angel. Dude & H.R. then go out on the town, happy (yet cynical) music playing and mischief to be had as they a couples picnic, steal a girls bikini top, smoke pot with a midget & see-saw. In the end the two come home to find that the Chick is home and wants Dude back, but when Dude reminds her that he's a disgusting slob she leaves him again. Dude learns in the end that the important thing to have are good friends you can rely on.

Review: This is a very, very, amusing short. While it is very juvenile in it's approach, it was a lot of fun to watch and it was well put together. The french accented H.R. Pukenshette was hilarious, and the crazy antics of him and Dude are hilarious The short in and of itself looks like it was a lot of fun to do and that reflects highly in the finished product. This film was defiantly not the master work of tortured artists, but a bunch of fun, awesome people who wanted to make a movie about a puke puppet.

Scenes From H.R. Pukenshette

I don't think that there is any comedic potential in making fun of a screen capture of a puke puppet, so I won't even try.

"... So the guy says 'I think I'm going to be sick' and the woman looks up and goes 'that's funny, that's what the last guy said!' Get it?"

TV Head presents: Family Dinner Party

Directed & Starring: Kevin Meyer, Matt Short & Brian Stampnitsky

What it is About: This is the story of a guy who is preparing dinner for his brother and his wife.... or was it the other way around? Shit, I had about 12 beers in me at the point of watching it the first time, give me a sec to watch it again.... You know what, they don't exactly establish who's family to this guy.. So let's forget that one. Anyway, he prepare dinner for a couple he's related too. However, throughout their dinner each time he does something he perceives to be something that's ruining the whole dinner, the main character goes to the bathroom and punishes himself. It starts off with slapping himself across the face when he takes a Martha Stewart joke the wrong way, to burning his hand with a lighter when he puts too much salt on the steaks, to cutting himself when he talks about taking a dump. The short ends with the unsettling thought that this guy is having the whole family over next month for Thanksgiving.

Review: Although the supporting actors aren't that great, the film is entertaining. At first your thinking "This is going to suck if all he's going to do is go to the bathroom and scream at himself in the mirror every time he screws something up" and at about the point where he begins burning his hand you wonder what he's going to do each time he goes to the bathroom. The film has has about the same flow as a lengthy joke where the punch line is really the pay off, and the film makers made it a point to not drags things on too long, which is good. It only takes four trips to the washroom to get to the point where you hope they're going to go onto something else, and thankfully they do. And with the inevitable punch line at the end followed by the credits makes for a quick view. I figure if they extended this short and made it longer it could have gotten very old and very irritating very fast. Also, it seems a little reminisce of Kids in the Hall, only the character who plays the women can't exactly fool you into thinking he's a woman (not that the guys in Kids in the Hall were that great at it either, but they did at least look like well done up cross-dressers instead of a guy in a Billy-Rae Cyrus fright wig) but I'll let that go on the account of budget restraints your honor.

Scenes from TV Head Presents: Family Dinner Party:

"Let's see them try and catch me red handed now!"

The do-it-yourself appendix removal kit!

This reminds me of my high school graduation picture for some reason.

The Psychotic Odyssey of Richard Chase

Directed By: Carey Burtt Starring: A bunch of dolls

What it is About: This film is a biography of serial killer Richard Chase (better known as The Vampire of Sacramento) done completely with dolls. It goes through his entire history. His childhood of abuse, animal mutilation and bed wetting, his adult life where he killed six people in the span of a month. How he drank their blood to prevent the Nazi's from turning his blood into powder and how he over dosed on antidepressants. He was a really messed up guy, if you really want to read about it, my good pals at Wikipedia have all the dirt on this mother fuck, or you could watch this short.

Review: This film, even though it's done with dolls and stop motion animation, is still very eerie and disturbing. Just for the sheer facts about Richard Chase's history, is also enhanced by the creepy narrative. For it's obvious limited budget it's still a very interesting watch. I can't really say more than I really found it entertaining.

Scenes from the Psychotic Odyssey of Richard Chase:

Wow this doll is so realistic, it EVEN WETS THE BED!

Why is this new Kool-Aid flavor chunky?

Harry Knuckles and the Treasure of the Aztec Mummy

Directed By: Lee Demarbre Starring: Phil Caracas, Josh Grace, Isabelle Arnedo & Jeff Moffet

What it is About: Harry Knuckles, aka Agent Spanish Fly, is forced into battling the Aztec Mummy and retrieving it's serum to save his daughter from the head of an evil corporation. Harry teams up with his partner El Santo and battles the Aztec Mummy's army of the undead, which includes nuns, priests and people in wheelchairs.

Review: I don't think I'm going to be able to make an unbiased review of this movie, considering the bar I frequent is the same one that bank rolled this movie (The Dominion Tavern in Ottawa, Ontario), not to mention the cast and crew of this film usually drink there. I've had many a conversation with Phil Caracas, he's a great guy because he can put up with a young smart-ass like me when I ask him a billion questions about the movies he was in (this is one in many Harry Knuckles movies, and he was also the star of Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter), and escaping the Odessa films social circle is a little difficult for me, shit, when Lee Demarbre filmed a music video for a local band called the McGillicuddy Sisters (who is this grass-roots rock-a-billy band from the area), I ended up being an extra in said video. It was great in the fact that I got all the free Steam Whistle I could drink, and let me tell you that on that particular day, I could drink a lot of fucking Steam Whistle. I'm surprised I didn't dehydrate myself and pass out from sun stroke or something... I'm getting very far away from the point here aren't I? What I'm trying to say here is, why wouldn't I be proud of a local production. Not only that, why wouldn't I have nothing but the utmost support and fuck exalt this work? I'm a lover of independent

Scenes from Harry Knuckles and the Treasure of the Aztec Mummy:

This is exactly why I want to own my very own robot butler.

Dude, nobody wants to say anything, but did you notice that you have an oven bag on your head?

film, and I'm not going to sit here and say that something that was made in my home town, funded by a bar that I frequent (which I'm guessing some of the money I spend there went into some of their films) is a pile of shit.

Because it isn't, biased aside, it's a great film, one of the best on this volume if I do say so myself. With it's Super 8 film stock, and done-in-post sound, it's such a hardcore independent film it about jumps out of the TV and bitch slaps you with it's independence. It's like somebody resurrected Hal Warren and he made an fun and interesting movie. That's all I'm trying to say here.

Red's Breakfast 2: Dawn of the Red

Directed By: Caleb Emerson Starring: Tim Gerstmar & Pippi Zornoza

What it is About: Red's Breakfast 2 can be accurately described as a serial killer love story. Don't read into that wrong, it's not a social commentary written by Troma alumni Oliver Stone starring two actors who's already spent their 15 minutes of fame, this is a mushy romance story... Only with decapitation... and Ninjas. Red is a well known serial killer, who loves nothing more than horribly torturing and killing people, then going out and eating their flesh for lunch. He then meets Mrs. Right (who equally loves decapitating and eating people as well), the two plan a date. After "cleverly" averting the cops with a story about squishing a REALLY big spider to account for all the noise complaints and the blood leaking into the apartment downstairs, Red is visited by his date and the two drink a toast of leg blood. Roll credits.

Review: The first thing I can say about this film is that there are a lot of references to horror movies, other than the obvious reference to Dawn of the Dead in the title, there are a few references to Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Evil Dead. That aside, the film makers appear to be making a film that is a quirky romance film filled with as much gore as you can possibly fit in a 14 minute short and still maintain a plot. It's kind of cute, in a sick and twisted way. God, I hope Red and his girl stay together. forever. The film does put a lot of it's bang in the gore effects, and if that's your bag then you will really enjoy this film. Additionally you can really appreciate the amount of effort they put into these effects, they've got a low budget appeal but they aren't totally unbelievable. I think they do a lot of nods to how much of the films production budget on the gore effects with the scene with the cops. The main cop is just a guy in a blue button up shirt with a BIG plastic badge, and a guy dressed up as a ninja swinging around some plastic nunchucks. I think what makes the low budget and down right unbelievable scenes in this film that much more believable, is that the main character is a deranged character and we are most likely seeing things through his perspective. So perhaps the idea of him being idolized and the local police force consisting of a guy afraid of spiders and a ninja isn't that far fetched in a killers mind. I wouldn't really know myself, but if any serial murderers would like to tell me if this is what life is really like to them, please don't hesitate to send us an e-mail and let us know!

Scenes from Red's Breakfast 2: Dawn of the Red:

Decapitating people is how I say "fuck you" to the system! Down with government! Hey do you have any weed?

Extreme Atkin's Diet!!

So this town's police force consists of a ninja and someone's dad....

Zit Lover

Directed By: Cyrus Hlef Starring: Johan Helf

What It's About: A young man is obsessed with popping zits and regularly robs the local convenience store of sugary goodies to fuel his pussy excretions. After a model glue educed high he realizes if he bathes himself in nacho cheese he'll get the most awesome zits. He then holds up the convenience store and steals all the nacho cheese. This incurs the wrath of the store owner who decks himself out, Rambo style, and goes after the zit lover, who -- after bathing in a tub full of nacho cheese -- is a zit covered freak. The two battle and zit lover infects the store owner with his zit virus causing leaving the store clerk no choice but to cut off his arm. After trying to clot the wound with a kids barbeque, the kids douse him with lighter fluid and light him on fire, causing his grenades to explode. Meanwhile, zit lover puts his head in a vice to pop a massive zit growing on his forehead, causing his head to explode.

Review: Stephen King once said that if he couldn't scare his audience he'd resort to the good old gross out. I think the makers of this film followed his advice on this one a little too much, but it was still a fun film to watch. Good special effects and it was really funny, well worth watching!

Scenes from Zit Lover:

They managed to cinematically capture my ex-girlfriends morning rituals.

This is a guy who takes playing paint ball a little to far.

Speg

Directed By: Richie Winearls

I'm going to skip on the separation of synopsis and review here, because this movie fucking pissed me off. It pissed me off a lot. First of all, you have no idea what the hell is going on through the whole fucking thing. Not at all. the film maker must have been a guy who had a towering fucking boner for silent films, as none of the characters actually talk and we're subjected to shots of the dialogue on place cards. However, these place cards with the actors lines have a punk rock font that was last considered cool when Never Mind the Bullocks was banned in the UK. Okay Mr. Winerals, I've got just one thing to say to you: You're going to fail at your silent film gig if you cannot make a visually interesting film. Your film is far from visually interesting. The other big fucking failure with this film is that the director seems to not understand that in a silent film the audience needs to be able to determine just what the hell is going on in the film from the characters actions. It seems like he forgot to do that, and where dialogue used to help you probably got really bored and tired of making place cards with lines. What you got a was an incomprehensible pile of shit that this movie is. I'll try my best to try and explain this movie to you, but your probably better off watching it yourself and gathering your own opinions.

Essentially, it goes like this, we see a woman getting pictures taken of her hands. They don't establish it, but I'm assuming she's a hand model, she then leaves and we don't see her again until the end of the movie, which leaves you to wonder "What the fuck was that all about". The photographers comment on how she's "a very strange woman". Well that's great Mr. Arteur, but without any sort of back story, and the fact that that fucking hand-model character doesn't appear again until the last few minutes of this short, not only does this opening scene unsettle the rest of the plot, I really don't fucking care!

We then go to a mansion where we see the maid stealing drinks from the bar, and the butler giving her shit. He then goes to the man of the house, who's passed out and is having lucid dreams about smearing spaghetti all over his body and then smearing it on women in tights shackled to walls.

Scenes from Speg:

This would be the title of a song in Never Mind the Bullocks if the Sex Pistols were an Emo band.

Mom and dad have a very bizarre sex life.

Always be sure that your spaghetti is properly killed and skinned before cooking.

All I can gather is the guy has a weird infatuation with spaghetti and takes medication. We meet the disgusting cook who always makes him spaghetti and ashes in it constantly. And apparently there is some sort of sub-plot about two middle aged women in fucking jogging clothes tied up in a horse stable who are being forced to eat spaghetti as well (no explanation is provided for this either)

And if that wasn't enough lucidity for you, suddenly there is a spaghetti monster that hops out of the pot and kills the cook. Yes, you read that right, a fucking spaghetti monster. It's a fucking hand puppet with spaghetti dangling from it's head. This spaghetti hand puppet monster thing then turns the middle aged women into devils and then systematically kills everyone else who's in this movie, including the hand model from the very beginning.

This movie was fucking stupid, poorly crafted, and very very annoying to watch. It got old and boring very very quickly and I honestly have no idea what the director was thinking. Additionally, I don't find spaghetti, even in monster form, very frightening. This movie was a fucking pile of shit. The one thing I can recommend to Richie Winerals, is that the next time he decides to make a silent film, don't.