Every Reason You Could Ever Need Not to Take Up Skateboarding:

This movie is the anti-thesis to picking up the hobby/sport/annoyance of skateboarding. Bar none. In fact, if a young Tony Hawk had to watch this movie before deciding he wanted to be a skateboarder, it would have caused an explosive time paradox where you'd have a vacant space where you'd keep all your copies of Tony Hawks Pro-Skater games you think are so great.

To me, I would rather prefer there being less skateboarders in the world, and I encourage any kid who wants to skateboard to watch this movie. I think the less I have to deal with pissants who Skateboard around bus stations and trip over their skateboards and get in my way, the better because one day I will snap and grab them by their girly long hair and smash their heads together.

Anyway, that's getting off topic, I'm supposed to talk about Skateboard kid, and how it will make you want to smash every skateboard after you watch it.

This movie, must have been made by religious nuts who want to see "wholesome family entertainment" -- read "I want to spoon feed my children sheltered pap that will give them no idea how the outside world works" -- and figured that they were "hip" enough to write a wholesome story about skateboarding that wouldn't involve bad words, teenage sex, or Jews. Because you have to use the power of Jesus to protect you kids.

I'm convinced this movie is written by churchies who have no idea that church and state are two separate concepts. It's subtle, but you can sense the machinations of morons who take the Bible literally crawling all over this movie.

The movie begins when we see the bad guys, synchronized skateboarding and then stealing a restaurant mascots chicken head and wrecking the towns only cop car with a cable. Which is all fine and dandy, except for the fact that it's so blatantly trying to show that these kids are "bad" it's wholly unconvincing. I'm going to get into why these bad guys are lame in a moment, but I will say that if these kids were transplanted into the real world they would be the guys who get the shit kicked out of them on a daily basis.

We then cut to Zack, the films unsung hero. He apparently has a well rounded life with lots of friends who enjoy skateboarding. I think. See the movie doesn't do much in the way of "exposition" like a real story would. Instead it has all the dynamics of a 1st graders story about how they spent their summer vacation. It has basic elements of a story and a plot, but the viewer is left to grasp what the hell is going on, making you frantically re-read the summary of the film on the back of the video box just so you can get some understanding.

Case in point, the scene where you're supposed to figure out that the main character has lots of friends and has to move away is established by a scene of kids trying to do jumps on skateboards (and botching it more times than not) near an airport.

The director thought it would be really cool to show the characters jumping over the camera while air planes are flying overhead so much, they show the same thing 30 times.

Then suddenly, Zack's moron dad shows up with his car and a U-Haul container on the roof. And you're supposed to gleam the fact that they're moving away from all of Zack's friends. Zack seems pretty okay with this, being a kid and all, he never once mentions his old life and old friends and we can only just grasp the fact that his mother is dead.

Another thing I find kind of sad is that all of Zack and Frank's worldly possessions fit in one U-Haul container that they can strap to the roof of their car.

On their way to Mill Creek, en route they run into the bad kids, where Ham, the groups ugly leader tricks Frank into thinking he ran him over. This is all an elaborate ruse so the token Asian bad kid can cut one of the straps of the U-Haul with a knife. When the bad kids leave and dad and son continue on to Mill Creek, their U-Haul flies off the roof and they continue driving off not caring that their worldly possessions now decorate a desert ditch.

We find out, 10 minutes into the movie, that the reason why dad is moving to Mill Creek is to run the local TV station. Apparently, in Mill Creek, the term "station manager" really means "the stations bitch" as he gets stuck doing weather reports and doing all the paperwork between disagreeing with his son about unpacking and reminiscing over a picture of his dead wife. We don't know why she's dead, and they don't give you much more than look at her picture.

I would like to point out that Zack, for some reason cannot be separated from his Skateboard, and uses it at any possible way in aiding him into unpacking. Which is really irritating. Okay, you like to skateboard. WE GET IT!

The only other things we can really glam from Zack is that he may enjoy Captain Crunch and he wears a hat that says "WOW". I don't know about you people at home, but wearing a hat that reads "WOW" is a good way to get your ass handed to you on a daily basis.

Next

When a film studios logo is so visually assaulting that you need to wear sunglasses, that usually is an indication that you are not going to be in for a great time.

Boss Hog finally went in for an upgrade.

Here comes dad, just in time to wreck your life!

It was a mercy killing

"Hrm, when I remove this letter from the sign it seemslike the TV Station is telling me to kill."

A good sign that your dad is an idiot is when he's doing a local weather forecast and it's not even for the right state.

Zack takes a stance against media conglomerates.

You know you've taken your wild west fantasy to far when you start dressing scare crows to be your posse.