Pep Squad

A Review by Nick Peron

Dorkive Notes: Do you believe in second chances? I think that's what this review was all about. As I'll get into below, I had a chance at seeing this movie while I was in high school, and the oppertunity was passed up to watch a Canadian film about lesbians in love. Looking back at the experience, I wish I never bothered, what a shitty movie this was.

It is the year 1999, it's the summer, and I'm a year away from graduation. My friends and I decide we want to go out and rent a movie. Of course, the intent is to get something with naked girls in it. It's always about seeing naked girls.

We traveled out to the local Rogers video to see what sort of psudo-porn they had on hand for our ravished teenage minds. Once inside the video rental store, I spy a movie called Pep Squad. Stating "Three Cheers for Death" and was every inch covered with cheerleaders. On the back of the box showed a chick pointing a gun. As a seasoned movie watcher at that age, I knew that violent movie = nudity, it's a universal law. And well, I was more of the mind that I want some entertainment to go with my movie nudity.

However, my friends had other ideas, as I made this find they had already wandered off looking at what else to be had and they found something else. It was a Canadian film called Horsey which showed a naked woman on the video box cover and boasted that it was a "a gritty tale of love, ambition and addiction"

It soon became clear to me that my friends all wanted to see this movie Horsey, because they thought that the naked woman on the cover = lots of nudity. They were not willing to listen to reason, that I, seasoned movie watcher could have told them. I could have told them that it was a Canadian film about lesbians, it was not liable to be very entertaining, in fact probably very very boring.

In the end, democracy won, and I was forced to put Pep Squad back ("It was probably a gay movie anyway" one of my friends consoled.) and they rented Horsey. Horsey will (hopefully) be the subject of another review on Dorkswithoutfaces, because the movie was the most boring piece of shit I've seen in my life. Ever. It was a terrible movie. But like I said, another time. Today we're talking about Pep Squad.

Pop Quiz: Your a horny 18 year old boy, what movie would you choose?

Fast forward, it is the year 2006, the heroic Autobots defeated Unicron and have retaken their home world of Cybertron, and while annoying fucking Transfans are masturbating over that nugget of stupidity, I was out at the local Cockbuster video with my then girlfriend. She was hell bent on buying the latest bit of claymation that was fit enough for Tim Burton to pass through his bowels and onto Johnny Depp's chest.

I was well attuned to the fact that I was trapped in the bowels of video rental hell, for this was the land where the Barbara Streisand movie rules supreme, this is where the religious rights horrendously slaughter films to fit their conservative views. However, it is a place where you can find little known movies for dirt cheap... Which is true of just about any conglomerate that will sell large volumes of movies, they'll sell the dregs of cinema at a bargain basement price.

Some of the movies I see in a Cockbuster, and a Rogers video astounds me. These mid-to-low budget films that were created by steam-cleaned mines and nicely packages. You know the moment you pop that DVD into your system you're going to get a huge pile of shit. You know that while the film is nicely filmed and put together, it was made by a total fucking moron who has no concept of film as an art form, but only as a way of making money and getting girls to take off their clothes (as opposed to doing it for the joy of art and getting girls to take off their clothes.)

It was in these halls of the damned that I happened upon Pep Squad once again. It had been a while since we last met. I can admit it was a little awkward. Here she was: The one that got away from me. All those years ago, teasing me again with her bright shiny packaging, it's amble number of cheerleaders on the front cover. Mocking me. Taunting me. Daring me to buy the film. I looked at the price. $6.99? I can't lose at this price. Can't I? I must have it. So I bought it. And took it home.

I can say for sure that I am a total bitch to the consumerist mentality of western civilization, the must have generation, the buyers of total shit. This realization came to me when I finally got home and fought to get all the seven layers of anti-theft stickers and shrink wrap off the fucking DVD. My joy and anticipation of what this movie soon began to spiral and plummet to the foul depths of disappointment that physics and trans-dimensional matter will allow. It all started by realizing who made and distributed the film.

It was made by "The Asylum" film company, and distributed by KaBoom entertainment. My long time readers will note that these are also the same people who brought us Vampires VS Zombies.

Fuck.

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