The Plot (Apparently was having a mutiny of it's own):

Holy shit, where do I even start with this one? *Deep breath* it was a tough one kiddies, even though I watched it safely with my friends Mike, Tom Servo and Crow (well.. Okay, I technically watched it alone because I have no friends... but let's not *snivle* talk about that *sob*)

As I said above, Space Mutiny is a poorly written tale about a bunch of colonists from Earth seeking a new home land. In their travels they are attacked by Space Pirates!! Using stock footage from Battlestar Galactica we view a typical Galactica space fight. As the ship carrying the mysterious (but sexy!!!) Ballarians, and our heroes ship landing with an important scientist, we learn that the evil military commander Kalgan wants off the ship and plants explosives. SPACE MUTINY PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE BONANZA!!!

What really isn't explained is why these aliens the Ballarians are found and brought onto their ship, why the space pirates are attacking, and why this scientist is bring brought aboard the ship by our hero (much less why we never get to see said scientist)

After all that chaos of badly cut stock footage stolen from Battlestar episodes and a crappy Star Trek-esque transport sequence, we learn that the crash landing of our heroes ship will now prevent anyone from boarding or exiting the Southern Sun for weeks (Thus keeping the budget out of the red now that we don't have to worry about any pesky space scenes!)

We meet our hero David Ryder, who instantly gets reamed by the captains freakish elderly daughter Lea (Who I am convinced is the same age as her pop if not older), who blames our buff hero for the death of her favorite scientist who we never see. Of course this spawns some sort of romance later on... Get that barf bag ready kids because your going to need it when you go down to Max's Kansas City -- Baby...

The Ballarians are shown to a cargo hold where they are kept, because these scantily clad women who are real suckers for crystal balls and interpretive karma-sutra dancing are under suspect and are locked away.

We cut back to our brainless slab of a hero as he tries to re-introduce himself to his fossilized love interest in her private garden. This doesn't work so well and the two cut to the chase and continue hating each other.

Later, one of the ships nerdiest denizens discover that someone has been secretly shipping explosives. When he tries to contact the bridge and tells Lt. Lemont of this suspicious development, Kalgan and his men intervene and give him an ultimatum: Join us or we'll kill you nerd boy. Nerdy decides he'd rather jump, and the first of many, many railing deaths in this movie occurs (When I say railing death, I mean someone dies or is in the process of doing so falls over a railing.) With the nerd dead (Don't worry, he wasn't popular and won't be missed), Kalgan then plots to kill the creepy looking Lt. Lemont.

That night (I guess.) at the Southern Suns most prestigious night club (And possibly it's only one) the youngsters strut their stuff on stage to 80's disco. Dressed to the 9's in their space age silver vinyl suits and fashionable hool-a-hoops (They aren't just for fun anymore!) bump and grind on the dance floor. Lea decides she wants to seduce our brick like hero, and David Ryder watches with amusement as this living mummy tries to woo him with her fantastic hool-a-hoop related ass showing dance moves. To Ryder, who possibly is too much of a meat head to look anywhere on a woman above the neck he is amused and possibly aroused, meanwhile us viewers at home are experiencing new levels of hell we thought never existed as we see the contorted lines of this aging thermanthropoid bump and grind. If you filled up those barf bags that I told you to get at this point, you may want to get a couple more because the worse is yet to come.

Anyway, so Lea and David make nice-nice and then notice that Lt. Lemont (with her patented groin shield) is being escorted off the dance floor by the enforcers --- I would like to think they dragged her off for scaring the kids in her get-up... But nope... But that's okay 'cause --- Only to be shot dead by Kalgan.

Lea and David stumble upon this plot and chase after Kalgan who escapes in his supped up golf-cart the Enforcer-1, they chase after him in their own Enforcer... Which is Enforcer-Who-The-Fuck-Cares.

Our heroes go and report this, and after a party and one creepy sex scene (Now you'll need the barf bag again) they resume their quest to stop Kalgan.

With the mutiny going according to plan... Or something, Kalgan kidnaps Lea and uses a futuristic torture device that acts like a dentist drill and uses her a trump card to gain control of the ship.

Of course, our dope of a hero, armed with only a gun, his huge biceps and only a third grade reading level is the only one capable of saving her -- even though he screams like a frightened school girl running away from a dirty flashers penis.

Before David Ryder can save his senior-citizen-damsel in distress, she seduces a fat balding slob who has been charged with guarding her while Kalgan goes out and kicks ass. She manages to free herself by tricking the poor dope into stripping after making him gaze at her magical hypnotic liver-spots that pepper her cleavage (Or perhaps I'm making this part up.)

Lea and David then mount a counter attack on Kalgan. and his troops. This involves lots of people getting shot and falling off railings, explosions (One guy even gets shot in the crotch. Classy) and the heart pounding final confrontation between Ryder and the mutiny leaders MacPhearson and Kalgan.

MacPhearson is burned alive, proving that sometimes -- damn it -- it's okay to burn a cripple alive.

The climax of the film (And it's just as disappointing as my first sexual experience) is a heart pounding Enforcer/Golf Cart chariot race, which would put the chariot races in Ben Hurr to shame. The scene ends with Lea getting run over (ALL RIGHT!!) but she survives (DAMN! You'd figure that someone that old would have brittle bones.) and Kalgan.getting exploded. Ryder adds an extra bit of heroic class by screaming like a woman one last time before ditching his Enforcer before it rams into Kalgan.'s and flipping him the bird after the villain is shamefully defeated in possibly the only golf cart related fatality in the history of space mutinies.

However as our heroes celebrate their victories and party down, we learn that Kalgan -- although now even more hideously scarred --is still alive!! OH MAN RIGHT OUT OF LEFT FIELD!! I JUST CAN'T WAIT FOR SPACE MUTINY 2: KALGON'S ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING!

"Well honey, this is some uh... interesting porn you've downloaded tonight."

"You sure we parked in lot B7?"

Junior wants to be an astronaut when he grows up.

Hi, my name is Kalgon. I like mutinies, and riding in my Enforcer. Seeking SWF 45-60 no Syphilus

"... And if you say anything bad about Captain Kirk again, you're out of our club!"

"Welcome to the Dream-Date Network! You'll be charged 9.45 a minute. If you'd like to listen to recording of lonley and despirate women please press 1 now...."

Finally! A stripper that's the same age as her best clients.

Remember: When fighting the enemy, hide behind something wider than your bicepts.