If you missed the title, we are reviewing Mulva Zombie Ass Kicker! which was a movie ripped from the womb of Chris Seaver, Low Budget Pictures and Splatter Rampage Video.

So one such as your self might be put a-back by when you bought (or rented) the DVD with hopes of seeing this:

And hoping for a titillating tale about a school girl with a big gun blowing the shit out of zombies with almost no semblance of a plot.

You did didn't you? Didn't you? And what did you get for your efforts? What sexy nymphet did you have to climb your tower of power in front of during this film?:

That's right sucker.

So your asking yourself, what's so great about a sophmorish film that was obviously filmed on a camcorder and with a minimal budget? And I answer: How the fuck couldn't you?

I know, answering a question with a question sounds like a fucking social faux pas, but seriously, if you've read anything on this website, I have a mentality that if you don't like what I have to say you can lick my smelly putrid stink hole. Seriously. Why are you even reading the rest of my site if you know that I'm obviously going to disagree with you?

But enough about me and my justifications (because really you shouldn't question my judgment, because I own this website, and thus I am a higher being than you are.), let's get on with this movie review, because that is obviously why you clicked here.

So what is Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker about anyway? Well it's about this girl, obviously named Mulva, who wants to go out trick-or-treating on Halloween, and over come her fear of the local bullies who scared her away from going out on Halloween with their taunts and sexual innuendo involving a hot dog and doughnut. Teaming up with her best friend and local fat chick dressed up as a British whore, dresses up as Egon Spangler from Ghostbusters and goes out for that sweet sweet candy.

Now if there is anything that is more inconvenient than going crusing for a hooker and learning to your shock and dismay that -- congratulations -- you are instantly a guest star on Cops as you get your ass busted, is when you go to do anything and to your shock and horror you find yourself stuck in the middle of a zombie holocaust, and your one of the only people with any sort of scruples to do anything about it.

Yes folks, poor Mulva, the sugar maniac has to save Halloween from an attack of flesh eating zombies... And don't even bother trying to figure out where these zombies came from. Do we ever really need to know where the zombies came from? Oh sure, you may be the type that wonders if the zombies came from voodoo, or from hell being too full, or from a chemical spray that kills pot, or from toxic moonshine, but let's face it: If you're watching a zombie movie, your intellectual grace is such that you should never question that the zombies are there, in fact, you should be more concerned about the violent bloody, blood bath that ensues, NOT where the zombies came from.

First of all, my absolute biggest delight when it comes to this movie that, if there is anyone on the planet who can follow the advice of Lloyd Kaufman (Co-President of Troma studios) it's Chris Seaver. Because if there is anything Uncle Lloyd preaches more than anything else, it's that a film maker should be creating their film for the love of film making, and that their creation from the heart.... no matter how sick and twisted it may be.

It's do-it-yourself cinema at it's best. Make a movie. Don't have the money to make it over the top? Well holy shit man, well instead of listening to all the pissants out there that tell you that if you don't have the money to make it you shouldn't make a movie, you should do what any person with a fraction of brains would do: improvise.

I don't honestly see how people can judge a movie's watchability from what sort of format the person films in, or what the budget was like. What's wrong with you people? How about your get your sweet sweet lips off from the phallus of the New Line Cinema, or Paramount exec for a minute and get it through your jiz drenched idiot face that big budget does not necessarily = good movie.

These are the same movie snobs that'll walk out of whatever Famous Players or Cineplex and whine about how the Matrix Reloaded sucked ass, or how Lord of the Rings has too much hype, and then will scoff at an independent film for being low budget, and there for crap. You know what? If you are that pissy about movies, perhaps watching movies isn't your bag. Maybe you should take up the hobby of sticking barbed wire up your ass while a 50 pound midget shits in your mouth, because apparently that would be a little more to your liking.

I mean what the fuck is wrong with people when they can do nothing but complain about all the movies they see? Is there not a single movie you like? Well shut the fuck up.

Okay, so I have this website, and most of the movies I review I trash or make fun of, but I enjoy watching them and subject myself to them constantly because: Well, I like them. I have a love for film to a point which I can watch something horribly putrid and shitty and enjoy it for the simple fact that it's horrible. Well, except for Vampires VS Zombies that is... Man what a shit movie.

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