Degrassi Talks - Part 5

A retrospective by Nick Peron

Degrassi Talks: Alcohol

Now here's something I can relate too! A Degrassi Talks episode about alcohol! All right! What? You mean it's about the dangers of alcohol? Aww fuck. Yes, it's another sobering buzz-kill delivered to you by the kids of Degrassi. The irony of this particular Degrassi Talks is that the longer I watched it the more I wanted a nice cool drink, but as a cruel twist of fate, I polished off all the beer in my fridge the night before. Let's get this buzz kill episode done and over with, the beer store down the street closes at 6:00 and I want to get a sixer before it's too late. We start off with meeting this episodes host, Neil Hope, who played Wheels on Degrassi. He tells us that teens use alcohol (No shit?) and about 70% of Canadian teens use alcohol. If you've ever lived through a Canadian winter like I have you'd understand why.

He tells us pressures to drink are everywhere, do you hear me? Everywhere!! I know I'm feeling that pressure right now.

They start off by asking teens on the street if they drink, there is one indignant 11 year old who scoffs at the idea that she should be drinking. A few people saying they do. The funniest one is a guy with really bad acne saying it's not good for your health, but apparently rubbing grease on your face is good for your complexion. One girl says yes then suddenly shrieks "No! Stop stop stop!" and puts her hand in front of the camera... Hey did they make these kids sign waver forms before they filmed them? After a quick Degrassi episode clip, pizza face is back to tell us that he thinks people drink because it's cool, but according to him, drinking is not cool it's stupid. I don't think this guy has a lot of friends, but with his slick Christian Slater hair cut and earring, who needs friends?

We then get a montage of kids saying that they follow the group, from the chiquest chick in downtown Toronto to some Corn shucking red-neck from Saskatchewan.

Our first victim we meet is Teresa (17) who found the weight of the world too tough, that she started drinking to get a false sense of confidence. She felt that everything was okay, and that she could be happy and friendly while on the sauce. Why do I get the feeling that we're going to see Teresa again in the Depression episode?

Moving right along, we go back on the street to hear from the kids about why people drink: The guy who hung out with the nerdy kid in the drug's episode says it's a way for people to deal with their problems, while a lone home-boy tells the camera that it makes him relax and be more himself. Apparently, to him being "himself" is potentially stumbling around, slurring ones speech and ending your night puking in a toilet... And that's on a good night. Finally, one last girl says that they drink because there is nothing better to do. Which, from a Canadian perspective, if you lived somewhere live somewhere like Moosejaw, or Whitehorse, or some place in Saskatchewan, trust me she is absolutely correct. While the prairies and the arctic regions of my mother land are great to drive through and perhaps stop at a gas station to take a satisfying dump, they are not fun places to go staking permanent real estate in. By and large that's about all that open space has nothing going for it unless you REALLY like vast open space of wheat or wasteland. So it's no surprise that people pass the time by getting excessively pickled. The girl who says this happens to live in the city of White Horse in the Yukon, and suddenly we break to possibly the most telegraphed segway I've sever seen in my life....

We end up in the Yukon where a bunch of girls talk about how common getting shit faced in the Yukon is. I wish I knew what they were talking about, but the whole time they were droning on and on about people drinking I'm distracted. What am I distracted by? Welll whoever edited this part of the video wasn't exactly that great at what they were doing considering the screen ratio of the current scene is slightly smaller than the next, and they've overlayed it on top of the other scene. You'd have to watch the video yourself. Which I'm surprised nobody has posted it on a video site, but whatever... The best I can offer you all is the picture to the right. I mean, from a editing perspective that is terrible. But what is going on back there, I mean, it has to be more important that what's going on in the foreground. It could be the secret map to pirates treasure. It could be the key to eternal life. Fuck, it could be telling me where the hell I put my keys down! But however, it is not anything quite so spectacular or interesting.... So I'm also going to spoil for you what it is, if you're guessing what could be in the background there.. It's a close-up of Siluck Saysanasy (Yick Yu from Degrassi.)

But I guess I should get back on topic... There's some more talking about pressures to drink, and we hear more tragic victims talk about their alcoholism. Some more Degrassi clips.. Blah blah blah. Man I am hard pressed for jokes here... kids with broken families... kids talking about parents being hypocrites for telling them not to drink and drinking themselves, parents dying of drinking diseases. Fuck man, this is some bleak stuff... Isn't there somebody I can make fun of here without sounding like a total asshole?

Oh, then maybe, maybe the light at the end of the tunnel: People talking about what drinking does to you. Oh we're all joking and having fun. Listening to cute kids on bikes say it makes you dumb, and people laughing about being drunk and throwing up. And just when you're like, hey drinking isn't so bad, they have to go and throw Teresa back in there again to talk about rehab. Thanks. I wonder if they realized this episode of Degrassi Talks is counter productive, I swear at the rate it's taken me to drink this review... er I mean write this review.. I've been pretty well typed... er drunk. Fuck.

And then I get what I wished for... Somebody I can really take it out on and totally make fun of in this episode! Whatever powers that exist and are somewhat responsible for my existence by celestial proxy have been listening to my hopes and prayers, and I have not been denied! But we'll savor this moment my friends. Oh yes we will indeed. Keep with me when we get to my "random kid" moment. Trust me. It'll be worth it.

Oh then the next buzz kill, after listening to a rocker dude joke about spilling your drink, we talk about a kid who died from drinking too much alcohol. Not even going to give us a moment of light in your little parade of misery are you Degrassi Talks? Fuck by the time they got to the Depression episode they should just turn the camera on the viewing audience for a few hours at this point.

Then we go onto drinking an driving, talking to kids about if they ever got into a car with a drunk driver. One kid says his buddy "Mike" and his friends all got drunk and smashed into a car and it was "Cool", obviously taking a cue from this teenaged bout of stupidity we go onto another horror story featuring Missy (20) who starts off talking about a whimsical tale about going out and getting chicken (and she's really excited about the prospect of chicken as well) but then she goes from talking about the anticipation of getting chicken and the joy it's extra crispy skin will bring, to getting in a horrible accident that kills your mother and leaves you crippled in a wheelchair! You know what Degrassi Talks? I'm hanging up any sort of joy I had for the human condition. That's it. The world is just out there to fuck me up anytime I want to have fun, make a joke at somebody's expense or get drunk, enjoy chicken or have sex. Okay, you got me, you win. There is no joy, because next thing you know it you're thinking about how great it will be to bite into some extra crispy chicken, and next thing you know it you get hit by a drunk driver who is also high on glue and you end up in the hospital, crippled for life, with a hang over. But that's not the worst of it all either, you find out your parents are dead, your friends don't really like you, you're girlfriend is pregnant, and to make matter worse: Your going through puberty. Oh and if that's not enough, the assholes who scraped your crippled body off the fucking pavement also ATE ALL YOUR GOD DAMN CHICKEN!!!! Thank you Degrassi. Thank Fucking You.

Then we talk to Michael (21) who talks about how a party turns into a night of horror when he drives himself and a bunch of buddies home drunk and he gets in an accident and they all got killed except for him. Tragic, and to add an extra bit horror, they have the kids first names and ages scroll up the screen proclaiming they are DEAD when he talks about how he found each of his buddies after the accident. I can see how they were trying to make it all powerful and unnerve their audience, and I suppose since I'm looking at this from the eyes of somebody who's watching this 20 years after it was made, it's hardly shocking. But then again I've seen some pretty gruesome stuff in my time. I'm going to get serious about this for a moment: If you want to add shock value to this video? Don't have scrolling text with only people's first names. That's too impersonal. I mean, they're just common names and a number with the word "DEAD" under it. You want to shock me? You give me more details. You show me a before and after picture. But this is a Degrassi video, if you want to see that sort of stuff you watch something like Highways of Death or something.

Now, back to my vein attempt at being funny.... Oh wait.... While I was in the middle of my rant the episode finally got to the end recap where all the assorted victims get the last word in on how they cope with being victims. Oh man, I'm glad this one is over. The next one should be a cake walk, it's only about depression!

The Most Memorable Victim:

The most memorable victim of this entire episode is one which is always talked about, but never seen. Yes, I've chosen this episodes victim to be alcohol. Sure people are addicted to it, people have killed and maimed others because they were deep on the sauce, but I think Alcohol itself can be considered a victim here. This inanimate, thoughtless fluid, sits on shelves and in fridges from coast to coast, country to country, only to be thoughtlessly consumed by humans on a daily basis. For us, it's a socially acceptable, for them, they sit awaiting to be drank only to be filtered through our systems and be pissed out hours later. Oh poor alcohol, how we abuse you. We use you to clean cuts, to pickle our foods, wash out our mouths, and clean out our Nintendo cartridges. You give and you give, and what do you get in return? The blame. Oh the blame. The blame of irresponsible people who will blame a substance for something that was the worst case scenario of bad judgment. Alcohol my good friend, you deserve this prestigious title of memorable victim. Don't let the man keep you down. Fight my frothy friend, fight!

Random Kid Who Likely Made His or Her Life a Fucking Mess:

As I promised, the only redeeming moment of this entire episode: The 80's hair-metal rockers. Nothing says dated, and pathetic like a bunch of guys with long feathered hair talking about how it's great to party. These guys are the equivalent to kids who think they're punk rockers today. You know beneath the venire of long metal hair, dirty jean jackets and bad-ass attitude these guys are total posers. They probably started a band that could only play half-assed covers of Iron Maiden's "The Number of the Beast " and Dokken's "Paris is Burning ", or maybe they are really big Stryper fans.

These would be the guys who, on a Friday night, drive around their neighborhood in their buddy's Volkswagen Jack-Rabbit, cranking up the latest W.A.S.P. tape to full blast to impress the girls they drive past on the streets. Their night would end as they unsuccessfully try to buy beer with a fake ID and get kicked out, screaming in indignation about how the service at the beer store sucks and that they're going to talk to their dad's lawyer (who doesn't really exist) because how dare they refuse selling us booze! Then they'd go back to one of their houses and order pizza and stay up until 3:00 in the morning watching music videos on Much Music, while the dude with the black hair brags about how he's banged his girlfriend that he met on vacation last summer for the fifteenth time that night, all the others still listening in total awe like it's the first time they've heard it. The reality being the hot chick was never real, and the picture he shows off came with the picture frame he bought. They would eventually all grow up, one of them still working his minimum-wage job at the local grocery store, the guy with the black hair would be the only successful one, but not being in his own metal band (Possibly called "Mongor") but when he finally cut his hair, bought a respectable suit and got a job at an accounting firm, where he manages the supply cabinet. The dude in the jean jacket will never give up his metal roots, and presently has an exciting career living in his parents drinking beer, and watching live performances of his favorite 80's bands on VHS, and listening to bootlegs of live Maiden concerts.

I'm going to have to pause here for now, this episode of Degrassi was such a buzz kill, and as I sit here at 3:00 after writing this up in a drunken frenzy I've realized that I've sobered up and I now have a bitching hang-over. So stay tuned for future updates as I will soon bring my review of the final episode of the Degrassi Talks series. That one is on Depression. Sounds like cheerful shit.