Degrassi Talks - Part 3
A retrospective by Nick Peron
Welcome back to our on going set of retrospective on the Degrassi Talks series, as you recall the last time I visited this subject I had reviewed the first two episodes of the Degrassi Talks series (On Drugs and Sexuality respectively) I commented on each videos content, made some wise cracks about my favorite "victim" of the episode, and made my prediction on which child on the street totally messed up his life following their appearance on Degrassi Talks.
This time we're taking a look at two more Degrassi Talks episodes in the series: on sex, and abuse.
Degrassi Talks: On Sex
Well friends, if you thought we were in a rather unintentionally funny area talking about sexuality and puberty, just wait until you see the episode on sex! Yes friends, cautionary tales and horror stories are abound in this episode of Degrassi Talks! This episode is hosted by Nancy Stepto, who if you all remember played Spike, the girl who got knocked up on Degrassi. She starts with with a shocker: 50% of teenagers are having sex by the 11th grade.
50%!?! Man, I was hanging out with the wrong half of my Grade 11 class! If it wouldn't mean getting arrested, I'd go back to high school right now because adjusting for inflation, by today's date that would mean about 98.753% of grade 11 students would be having sex, and with those odds you just can't lose.... Er I mean, oh my how shocking! Don't people wait until marriage anymore?
We kick off in full swing by meeting Vicky (16), and if the crying baby in the background is any indication, she's a young mother. Dun dun dun! She talks about her boyfriend of the time named Dwyane who pressured her into having sex with him. Way to go Vicky! 20 years of woman's lib down the drain because you got pressured into taking your pants off! According to Vicky things just happened and she's stuck with a baby for the rest of her life. Wow, what a great way to talk about your brood! Let's be impartial here for a moment Vicky, that baby is stuck with you as well, and I'm sure it is very excited about that prospect too, that's probably why it screams every night at 3:00 am. Hey, Vicky, your baby's crying how about you do something about it? Fuck, you'd figure you weren't grown up enough to take care of a kid or something...
Next up some myths about sex, from standing up after sex, having sex in a swimming pool, jump up and down or have a bath in Coke after you won't get knocked up. Wow, with sound advice like that, I'm surprised there weren't more kids getting knocked up in the early 90's. Vicky sends the truth shattering down around our ears, only once my friends is all it takes. Thanks a lot Captain Buzz-Kill.
We next meet Alyssa (22) who got pregnant and had an abortion. She stresses how she and her partner used a condom but didn't use what she refers to as "the foam" because it wasn't practical at the time. I'm assuming she's talking about contraceptive foam or spermacide, as opposed to shaving foam or head from a pint of beer... And I have to empathize with her, if I had a cooch I certainly wouldn't want to be putting foam up in there like my crotch was on fire or something -- who am I trying to be Lindsay Lohan? (Get it? Fire crotch. Yeah, I can use topical humor too you know.)
We also hear from more kids on their thoughts on abortion, one girl even says it's not an easy decision! Wow, way to go Einstein! I bet this child prodigy get's nuclear physics grants in the mail everyday with her intelligence. Boy-howdy nothing surpasses her cogitative ability. And the previous rung of "Why would someone murder a baby" and guys saying "Well it's the woman's choice."
We next hear from Shantih (20) who got pregnant when she was 17 years old, and had a supportive family, and was given other options other than aborting the baby, like adoption. We're hit with a statistic that 15 to 20% of teen moms give up their kids for adoption. These teen mothers are commonly referred to as smart. Shantih then goes onto criticize teen mothers who think they can "handle it" and raise a kid and that adoption is the best way to go. What, is stem cell research out of the question? I want to organ harvest! Can I do that instead? I'm going to move along before I get myself another e-mail telling me I'm a horrible person again...
Where was I... Oh yeah, Shantih talking about putting babies for adoption. She goes onto to talk about how she wouldn't want to get stuck raising a kid for the next 20 years. Then comes possibly the most to the point segway I've ever seen, because we cut to: A crying baby. Oh happy day. We hear Nancy talk about how Vicky has to change half a dozen diapers a day (So in other words you mean she changes um... six?) and feeds Jeffrey every three hours. You know there Vicky, I think I found the cause to your constant diaper changing: You keep on feeding your fucking kid. You feed him every three hours? Holy shit, I hope you stop that routine after a while because that's going to be one fat baby. But getting back to Vicky, because of her kid she doesn't date and doesn't have time for her friends. Vicky laments about how sometimes she wishes she can get rid of her child and not be a parent anymore. And when she gets to talking about the baby's dad? Oh here is where the mud flies because she doesn't like dad at all because all he does is come by and give her kid presents and doesn't support or take care of the kid at all. So she doesn't like him. Obviously Vicky here got the raw end of the stick, don't worry Vicky, your "dupe" patch is in the mail.
Then we go on to more word on the street from the kids, who try to give their best guesses about why teen dads don't support their kids. One squinty eyed guy who probably has fantasies about "rescuing" teen moms thinks it's fear. A girl suggests that because "they don't got no control over their organs, they don't got no control over what that did."
Wait.. what?
Okay, let's back up here grammar whiz and try and decode and translate that idiot speak and figure out what she really said: "They don't got no control over their organs" So... you're saying that I do have control over my organs, and therefore I do have control over what "that" did. What exactly "that" is supposed to be is a mystery to me. I think the only thing more frightening than this girls poor speaking skills is that this woman probably is breeding now.... Uhg, here I go getting side tract. Look you have to stick with me here, making fun of an episode about sex without resorting to dead baby and child endangerment jokes every three seconds is very difficult and I'm grasping at straws a little here.
Apparently the Degrassi Talks crew had so much trouble trying to find a teen dad they had to travel all the way to Red Deer, Alberta, to talk to Don (19) who is a teen dad. Who looks more like he's 30. Nice widows peaks there old bean. We listen to him talk about how other teen dads that fuck and run are jerks while he cradle his little crying shitting liability in his arms.
Now we move onto another topic when it comes to unprotected sex. Hey if the prospect of having unplanned children doesn't scare the fuck out of you, then it's time to bring on the big guns: Sexually Transmitted Diseases! Let's get ready to hear some horror stories of a different, possibly itchy and puss filled horror stories!
We meet Angie (17), in spite of having a rainbow umbrella, she doesn't seem happy. Do you want to know why? Because due to unprotected sex she has scar tissue on her tubes. She is infertile because she had too many STD's!
We cut away from Angie's heart breaking tale to hear more kids talk about what they know. One kid didn't even know what STD's were, then we hear a bunch of different guys with bad hair cuts list off a laundry list of STD's. Bad grammar girl comes back and says that she thinks that Gingivitis is an STD (Remember, this woman is possibly breeding right now and has a whole litter of stupid babies. I know, I'm depressed also.) Then we're told in 1989 there were 75,794 reported cases of STD's in Canada. Interestingly enough, none of these were for Gingivitis
So if we aren't already totally bummed out and put off from having sex for the next five minutes already, we go back to Angie, cheerful, happy Angie. She tells us about her wonderful visit to the doctors office. She's happy to inform us that she saw the office was full of pregnant women and women with kids, and how she wishes she can have kids of her own. But thanks to her STD's (Plural, she probably has like 75,794 STD's or something!) she can't have any. Then we hear from a bunch of teens on the street again, we hear the words of wisdom from the blue haired punk rocker girl from the Drugs episode again. You know an entire generation is doomed when the only person who uses a modicum of common sense in life also probably thinks Jello Biafra
We meet Bently (25) again, you remember Bently? He was the gay guy from the last episode, we learn about how he goes from school to school telling kids not to put Vaseline on condoms because it destroys latex. We find out that he has AIDS as well, and in spite of the fact that South Park
We finally meet Kurt (19) and Lucy (17) who enjoy an active and safe sexual life style. They brag about how awesome having sex all the time is, and how they're safe and clean. I think the only frightening prospect with this union (other than Kurt's unfortunate complexion, how she can look up at that in rapturous lust is beyond me) is that they have sex in a room full of George Michael
And that wraps up this episode of Degrassi Talks, now let's take a look at some of the memorable cut-ups that are in this episode of Degrassi Talks!
The Most Memorable Victim:
You know it's a tough call when it came to making my choice for who in this episode is the most memorable "victim", I mean take a look at my choices: Bitter mother, diseased sterile girl, AIDS guy... I mean, with such uplifting and positive people, you'd have to put them all in an arena to fight it out and the last man standing would win this prestigious title of most memorable.
But alas, such was not the case. Because as they say, they save the best for last, and our most memorable victims are Kurt and Lucy the sexual active (but safe) teenagers! They're most memorable, because they were at least the minimal effort of the Degrassi Talks crew to present a case where people having sex didn't totally ruin their lives by making their wombs a swamp of disease, leave them with creepy looking children, or putting Vaseline on a condom. Yup, Kurt and Lucy are pretty hip kids. Even if Kurt's face is oilier than the bottom of a pizza box, the kids are pretty cool.
I think the most amusing thing about this couple, is that while Lucy is telling her riveting story on how she started practicing safe sex, Kurt here is trying to look thoughtful and pretending to listen all the while he's looking at her chest (pictured left), and you know, you know, he's thinking about having sex with her right at that moment. Heck, after shooting that segment in Degrassi Talks they probably did do just that, all the while George Michael smiled down upon them.
Random Kid Who Likely Made His or Her Life a Fucking Mess:
Looks like we have another tie when it comes to the kids who made their lives a big fucking mess after appearing on this very special episode of Degrassi Talks.
Our first guy is the dude with the pink windbreaker (very manly by the way) who comments on the choices one makes when a girl gets pregnant, and on condom use. Every time he's asked a question he refers to what "people he talks to about that" seem to think. Real political. But you wager this is probably one of those guys in your group of friends who never has his own opinion. You know what I'm talking about, he usually agrees with everybody, and when he comments on something he has to mention that somebody he knows talked to him about that very subject, and what the opinion they have on the subject. These opinion less clods coast through life never having a thought of their own. I once had a roommate like this guy, and if there's anything I can gleam from the experience, guys like these also have smelly feet, and waste away their lives playing video games and living off pizza and leaving the boxes in their room to attract bugs. Usually when they aren't playing video games, they're busy talking about them, and usually quoting what the guy at the EB Games (commonly referred to as "The guy I know that works at EB Games.") said about such and such a 
game.
My next pick for guy who totally fucked up his life after Degrassi Talks is the smug ginger guy with the Tony Danza
Well I think I've done enough lampooning for the episode on Sex, let's go on to an even more cheerful subject: Abuse! Don't forget your Zoloft you're probably going to need it!
