A Review of the Second Season of Degrassi Junior High
A Review by Nick Peron
Episode 02 - A Helping Hand:
The Characters:
Lucy Fernandez :
The question one has to ask themselves is this: Can a reformed shop lifter make her mark in a Voula free Degrassi Universe? Big question indeed, and I certainly am not the kind that would attempt to answer this question. Join Lucy in this episode as she gets first hand experience in the magical world of inappropriate touching.
Lorraine 'L. D.' Delacorte:
"look. I bet the make up is what gave her cancer in season 3.
Derek "Wheels" Wheeler :
Wheels.. Wheels... Wheels... The black sheep of the Zit Remedy trio, has been cursed with having to wear glasses, it's a very intricate theory that I wrote a thesis on in university (note to aspiring scholars, never use Degrassi as your subject for you masters thesis on molecular biology, you'll fail. Trust me.)
Mr. Colby :
Mr. Colby is the creepy substitute teacher that takes Mr. Raditch's place when he was sick. So they went from a hard-ass with a Ned Flanders mustache and the same taste in suits that game show hosts have for a sweater wearing pervert who has a thing for dark skinned flat chested girls. Certainly an upgrade to some people. It would not surprise me if somebody has written some form of Degrassi fan-fiction which features Mr. Colby having sex with everybody, including Caitlin's stuffed bear.
The Plot:
As stated above, in this episode we hear the tragic tale of Mr. Raditch having to get his tonsils taken out and having to be away from school for a week. Enter the substitute teacher. And no, it's not an ass kicking, thug-bashing substitute teacher like in the movie, Dangerous Minds
Now while Mr. Colby's sensible sweaters, "dry look" hair cut, equally dry wit, and passionate reading voice swoons the girls of Degrassi (The twins even go as far as calling him a "real man", I don't know about you but if that's what a real man is I'm going to return my penis for a refund.) However Mr. Colby has a dark secret. He likes to touch girls shoulders. In fact, he soon takes interest in young Lucy. I'm still not sure if it's because of the flat chest of awful fashion sense. All those bright colors could be like a signal flair or a beacon of some kind for pedophiles or something. Who can say.
Anyway, speaking of Lucy, she and L.D. become quick friends since Voula has left Degrassi. Voula's final contribution in the series being a half assed answering machine message before her agent whisked her off to an exciting career on the unemployment line. 80's cultural phenomenon? Ferget it kid! We got bigger things in store for you! Community theater!
But back to Lucy and L.D., you see, L.D. wants boys to notice her and apparently the best person to go to for advice is Lucy. Obviously L.D. was too busy bragging about wearing her Pensoil baseball cap or gutting out the inside of a transmission last season when Stephanie Kaye was dressing like a total tramp and snatching up all the hot guys. I mean come on! Lucy? You're going to get advice from someone who thinks hot pink and leopard print tights are a fashion necessity? Who looks like she got some of her clothes out of the Fred Flintstone
Thankfully L.D. has enough brains to take all the make up off when she actually gets a look at herself in the mirror. She's not stupid, but she is a bit of a slow learner. She also notices that Mr. Colby tends to touch a little too much, but Lucy doesn't think there is such a thing as somebody being "too friendly."
Gee Lucy, I'm not so sure about that, I mean I wouldn't draw the line of "too friendly" with touching my shoulder either, but there has to be a limit. For me personally, I draw that "too friendly" line at the point in my interactions with somebody when they're lubing up their clenched fist and I have to grab my ankles. But I suppose that's okay with Lucy, so long as it's a friendly fisting.
L.D. draws the line when Mr. Colby tries to look down Lucy's top, even though there really is not much to see down there, Mr. Colby sure finds it interesting. I think the funny thing about that scene is the fact that the class is having a deep discussion about the death penalty. He's posing all these serious questions, and then right out of the blue he pauses to stop and look down Lucy's shirt, and nobody but L.D. notices! In fact they just keep on debating away. You know a lot of people are inclined to say the kids of Degrassi have it pretty rough, but you have to admit that the fact that they are this oblivious to bad shit coming their way they kind of deserve what's coming to them.
Of course L.D. tries to tell Lucy about Mr. Colby's sneak-a-peek, and this doesn't go over very well. They get in a spat. And Lucy is asked to stay after school to "help" Mr. Colby make sense of Mr. Raditch's "systems." Of course this is an excuse to paw at her and say a bunch of flowery things about silk (Take it from a pedophile to have really bad come on lines.) Of course before Mr. Colby can get his freak on with Lucy, they're interrupted by Wheels who happens to spot Mr. Colby's busy hands from the hallway. Lucy uses that moment to make an escape. The episode of course ends with L.D. and Wheels saying they'll back up Lucy if she reports Mr. Colby, but Mr. Raditch returns and the episode ends... I smell a sequel!
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The "Check-Her":
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The Sub-Plot #1:
The sub-plot in this episode is a ring of deceit betrayals and lies, as Wheels grips with the truth that his life is starting to suck. Just as the Zit Remedy is starting to "get better" (let's be honest, they're terrible, and the fact that Alexis and Simon think they sound great suggest that perhaps on top of all the other tragedies that the Degrassi kids have to live through each day, they also have to deal with being tone deaf.)
Wheel's marks are slipping, and Miss Avery suggests that Wheels go and get his eyes tested. So apparently bad vision = bad marks. I suppose that Miss Avery is qualified to make that sort of judgment call. And this is something she discussed with Wheel's parents. The thing that totally baffles me is that Miss Avery doesn't teach Wheel's grade. So she's arbitrarily making health advice to kids that aren't even her students. What does she do, leave at the end of the day with a big stack of student files and calls the parents whom she thinks their children's marks are suffering and provides a medical reason for the lack luster marks? She's worse than doctors who give out Ritalin like pop-corn. "Mrs. Jeremiah, I believe your son has crotch fungus, and that's why I think his science marks are lacking, might I suggest he get some topical ointment for this affliction and we'll see an improvement in his grades." "Hi, Mrs. Kaye? Judging from your daughters history marks I believe that she is suffering from shell-shock, or some post-war stress disorder. Might I suggest she see a doctor about getting a Valium prescription?"
Anyway, Wheels gets some glasses, which is a big mistake (See below), and of course he has to get tutored by Miss Avery and ergo he can't practice with his pals in the Zit Remedy. I hope they noted this key date down, they're going to need it when they get their own VH1 Special.
Anyway, Snake and Joey end up recruiting Simon to their cause, which is kind of funny because not even a scene earlier Joey was going on about how he doesn't trust Simon. But not to worry, this little plot thread is quickly rooted out of the series after this episode. The writers realized Simon was pretty boring and delivered his lines like a fist punching a bowl of oatmeal I guess.
Defining Moments :
There area few defining moments in this episode of Degrassi, they are:
1.) No Help For Rick! - In this episode Wheels is constantly going to visit Miss Avery for help after school. Usually when he shows up she is always having a conversation with Degrassi tough guy Rick. It looks like they're discussing something really important, but Miss Avery usually breaks it off and sends him off when Wheels shows up. Don't feel bad for Rick not getting any help though, he's poor.
2.) At one point in the episode Alexis returns all those clothes that were given to her by Stephanie Kaye in the previous episode. She explains that her mother found the clothing and told her to get rid of them because they made her look like a "lady of the evening." So in other words a whore. I think it's kind of funny that "lady of the night" was too extreme and randy for Degrassi they had to use "lady of the evening." That doesn't sound like an emaciated crack head with patchy hair to me, that sounds like somebody in an evening gown with about 10 miles of leg and and a cigarette on a long filter.
3.) Watch out for the crazy singing janitor, this is prior to them getting the dykish punk rocker janitor in later episodes. This one just obliviously mops the floor singing her little songs.
Finally the defining image from this episode:
Judging from this shot: Somebody went to film school!
Wheels is Cursed:
If one where to look at the life of any of the Degrassi cast members, many would agree that the one with the worst life is Wheels. Nobody else can even come close to having a life that is as big a fucking mess as Wheels' life. Even Dwayne has it better than Wheels, and he has AIDS.
Why is Wheels so unlucky? I'd like to turn everyone's attention to his glasses. Yes my friends, I am suggesting that the life of Derek Wheeler is such a god awful mess because of those ever fucking glasses. Don't believe me? Well just like Al Gore, I'm going to present you with totally researched scientific proof and beat you over the head with my findings until you all believe it, check this shit out!
Wheels "Pre-Glasses":
- Wore really cool jean jackets
- Hooked up with Stephanie Kaye and almost got laid.
- Started the Zit Remedy with Joey and Snake
- Found out he was adopted, but that his dad was in a band!
Wheels "Post-Glasses":
- Couldn't get in a date until "School's Out
" and ends up horribly maiming the girl on the first date.
- His marks totally suck.
- He starts wearing sweaters
- His foster parents die in a car wreck
- Has to live with his adoptive grand parents, and his grandpa drools when he eats!
- Stops going to school on a regular basis.
- Runs away from home and is almost molested by a vacuum sales man in a wood paneled station wagon.
- Finds out that his dad is just in a shitty bar band from Hamilton that can only get gigs in hotels.
- Steals from Joey's parents.
- The Zit Remedy goes nowhere.
- Oh yeah, and remember the horribly maiming of the girl? Yeah that too.
If you weren't convinced that the glasses were a curse before, I'm sure the above evidence proves my case quite nicely.
And the Winner of This Episodes "Best Background Character" Goes to...:
This kid I fondly refer to as "the sailor" on the account of his hat. Either his mother makes him wear it or he's really a big fan of Gilligan's Island
You see him in the background of one of the outside scenes with Mr. Colby and his creepy trench coat. He's playing tag with one of the kids. It's obviously show for the camera. Perhaps another child struggling to get into the regular cast by playing tag with somebody who's actually had lines and involved in a sub plot of the series. But he must have made a powerful enemy that day because the sailor is not seen since. I think it's pretty funny that he's got flood pants, it adds to the whole sailor look.
I think there is a lesson to be learned from this kid: Aggressive tag playing does not advance your acting career. However, if they start a new reality TV show called "YOU'RE IT!", this kid would be a shoe in. I've seen his skills. I've got a lunch meeting with a rep from Mark Brunette Productions this afternoon and I'm going to pose this show idea. I have so many ideas for reality shows it's not even funny. Like if he doesn't like "YOU'RE IT!" I've also got some more ideas like "Hop-Scotch!" and "Hide-And-Seek: The Reality Show!" and "The Real Flying Nun
The Award For "best poster" for this episode goes to...:
This episode of Degrassi had a remarkable lack of signs going on. Too much screen time was spent on showing grown men touching little girls for them to truly capture the artistry of the various signs that adorn Degrassi. After much searching I found that probably the best sign in the whole episode is this bake sale sign. The sloppy presentation of the sign amuses me to no end, and it's lack of informing people is profoundly stunning.
You can tell this sign was drawn by a girl who just learned how to write in cursive, so between the block letters she decided to show off her mad cursive skills. Perhaps hoping to get approval of a teacher. The fact that the most important thing on the sign is written in the most plain hand writing. The date of the bake sale and the rough time estimation where it's going to take place. This kid obviously has not taken any courses in marketing.
I mean, okay, there's a bake sale today after school, that's great but where is this bake sale? And do you mean today, or was it yesterday and you forgot to take the sign down? A date and a location would be great you know! And hey, I'm allergic to nuts where the hell is the nut warning, you aren't going to be able to cock-block my law suit without a disclaimer on that sign.
This sign is totally disappointing, and unfortunately is the best one in the whole episode, so you can only imagine how shitty all the other ones I could have captured looked like.
