A Review of the Second Season of Degrassi Junior High

A Review by Nick Peron

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Episode 01 - Eggbert:

The Characters:

Christine "Spike" Nelson:

First thing you'll have to note about Spike is that she's pregnant. Essentially most of her lines this season are "I'm pregnant", "You don't have to worry about this.", "I'm scared" and "I want to stay at Degrassi." Get ready to have all the arguments and counter arguments of a pregnant girl being in a junior high beat to death with this one.

Shane McKay:

Shane's Dad:

How old is Shane's dad supposed to be anyway? 80? He's a man of the cloth, but considering he has a wife and a number of kids, he doesn't fondle any choir boys. He also is good at playing cards, but insists that he doesn't cheat.

Shane's Mom:

It hurts my head contemplating this woman having sex, let alone having kids. She reminds me of the Chicken Lady from The Kids in the Hall . I assume she lives an uninteresting life of boredom and tediousness that bring married to a priest can bring to you.

Eggbert:

He certainly LOOKS like an Eggbert! He doesn't look like a Spike, that's for sure!

The Plot:

Following the heels where the first season of Degrassi ended, the second one starts off with a BANG! And uses up all it's shock right from the start and makes the whole Spike-Is-Pregnant plot line into a stagnant boring mess.

School has resumed from a holiday break from the kids, and it's time for Spike to go back to school and face the reality of going to school -- and being pregnant!

So of course like any teenager who doesn't know what the hell she's going to do, she goes and seeks counciling and is told by the councilor there that each of the pregnant girls has to take care of an egg for a whole week so they can learn what it's like looking after a child. And it's not a laughing matter! Whoah!

So yes, the whole time Spike has to carry this egg around and make arrangements for it like it was a real baby. Sound like fun? CERTIANLY DOES! So when Spike brings it to school everyone thinks it's the neatest thing on the planet. However, Spike being at Degrassi and being pregnant is not without it's controversy. Some of the more opinionated girls (Like that bitch Kathleen! Oh, such a bitch!) thinks that pregnant girls shouldn't be in junior highs because it sets a bad example.

I foresee a dystopian future where Kathleen is nominated ruler of all humanity setting up gulags all over the world for pregnant teenagers who decided to fuck out of wed lock! The cads! And I'm sure that's going to insure that everyone keep their pants on!

Anyway, everyone thinks Shane is getting off pretty easy, because as usual the guys usually tend to. I mean, it's pretty easy to try to get away with the whole pregnancy thing when you're the guy who plowed the field, not tending the crop am I right? But joke'll be on Shane if he thinks he's going to have a good financial future!

Anyway, the girls who are friends with Spike decide that just a plain ordinary egg just isn't exciting enough so it's time to give it a style and definition all it's own. An egg has to have an identity you know! Alexa takes the egg and draws a happy face on it. Now, I don't want to slight Alexa's ability to draw or anything, but babies usually don't usually have a perma smile, and really if you're going to make an egg look like a real baby and also teach a pregnant teen how serious raising an egg -- er I mean child -- is, you shouldn't give it a smile, because it's not all that fun from what I can estimate. But then again, I don't have any children (that I know about at least) so what the hell do I know?

The girls also decide that in order for this charade to continue the egg will require a name, one of the twins (and folks, I'm going to say this, I don't care which twin is which.) suggests they call it "Eggbert" because it "Looks like an Eggbert" and doesn't "Look like a Spike" this prompts laughter and the egg is named. Now if you ask me, that's a pretty awful name. I think it's the equivalent of calling your kid "Blackie" because he has dark skin, or "ree-ree" because you decided to be the party animal at the kegger you went to during your third trimester.

Eventually things progress where people start resenting Shane for his lack of action and this also grinds Spikes gears. Since Shane decides to show a little guilt and tries to help out, Spike tells him he has to look after wee Eggbert for the next week.

Shane of course at this point hasn't told his parents either because they're, dull, boring, stuck up, and worst of all his father is a priest (sucks to be Shane!) but still he manages to look after wee Eggbert none the less. Now what was accepted and deemed as cute for Spike soon becomes a burden and the source of ridicule for Shane (not that I feel sorry for the bastard) and he carries around Eggbert and is mocked by everyone at Degrassi.

When word of Lucy having yet another party is announced, Shane wants to go, but Spike won't let him discharge his responsibility of Eggbert and so he later shows up with Eggbert at the party. This starts an impromptu egg toss competition. In a case like this you know that your party has totally bombed when the biggest source of excitement is when people start tossing around an egg that's supposed to be a test of some bodies responsibility as a new parent.

Shane decides enough's enough and joins in as well. I don't know about you, but since he's supposed to treat that egg like one of his own, he certainly has a warped sense of parenting because nothing good can come from tossing your child around for your own personal amusement.

This lack of taking the egg seriously causes Spike to storm out of the party, Shane follows shortly realizing that he's pulled a boner. Yeah, way to clue in moron, and to think somebody this bright is going to be a daddy! I'm sure this kid will turn out just fine!

So Spike and Shane have an argument, which leads to Spike angrily knocking Eggbert out of Shanes hand and onto the ground, dashing it to bits (just like a real baby!) and the two confront the fact that they're both scared about the baby. Shane goes home and tells his parents that he knocked up a girl (and I can tell you this much, dad isn't breaking out the cee-gars and patting his boy on the back!)

The Sub-Plot #1:

The first sub-plot introduces the character Scott Webster (But please, call him "Scooter", because everyone does) who is a elementary school kid who's so damned smart he's been upgraded to Junior High. Well if this kid was so fucking smart, he would have known to steer clear of Degrassi Junior High! I mean think about it: These kids have the most depressing lives in the history of high school, because something bad happens to at least one of them every single day! And there may be some sort of life lesson to be had at the end of everyday, but fuck man, it's damned inconvenient and depressing if it's "IF you have sex, you're going to get pregnant and if you have an abortion they're going to call you a baby killer" or "if your parents die in a car wreck, life goes on before you're ready to finish grieving!"

Anyway, this sub plot also shows the playful side of Yick and Arthur in that throughout the episode the two are warring with water guns. This was back in the day when a toy gun at school wasn't looked at in fear and knee jerk reactions and media coverage of course. Nobody getting expelled for pointing a finger and going "Bang you're dead" in the good old 80's! Anyway, we're suppose to get a parallel between Yick, Arthur and Scooter not being any more mature or immature of one another since they all get involved in some water gun horse play.

It's all pretty stupid, and if you ask me, Scooter shouldn't be called Scooter. All he does is skip around, that's not an action that would qualify you to be called "Scooter", "Pussy" maybe, but not "Scooter."

Sub-Plot #2:

Defining Moments :

There area few defining moments in this episode of Degrassi, they are:

1.) Raising an Egg is NOT LAUGHING MATTER! At the beginning of the episode we're given a first hand look at what it's like to be part of a council group for pregnant teenagers. Apparently it's a bunch of pregnant girls slouching around sharing their "tragic stories" about the hardships of being pregnant teenagers. This is the type of shit Oprah would kill a new born child to have on her show (which I'd find ironic really.) But I think the funniest part of this whole little scene is when the councilor asks the girls to pick an egg to be their "child" to mind for a week. This is met with laughter in which the councilor snaps "THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER!" with such seriousness. I'd also like to note that none of the girls picked any of the brown eggs... Maybe it's not Oprah material after all.

2.) Yet Another Urinal Scene, which seems to be a staple at Degrassi. Look I know they're striving for realism, and part of realism is people going to the bathroom, but for Christ sake do you have to show scene after seen of characters like Wheels and Joey taking a leak in these episodes?

What I Learned From This Episode:

I'd like to think that I learn things from each and every episode of Degrassi that I watch. Learned things that, if not for the brilliance of Kit Hood and the Degrassi Cast, I would never know at all. In this particular episode I learned the important steps of taking care of a child in the form of the whole egg experiment in this episode. Let's all review the steps once more shall we?

Step 1: Proper Egg Selection:

Of course the first and most important part of raising your egg right is choosing the right egg. And by the right egg, I mean the one that looks the most like the guy who you think the baby's daddy is.

I would suggest that if you're ending up on a paternity test on Maury and you really want to dress for success, choose an egg that's a nice brown color, not only will you win the big child support pay out but the heart of the audience as well.

Step 2: Make Sure Your Egg is Comfortable:

It's very important that you make sure that your egg is totally comfortable and is able to enjoy it's travels throughout life as "mommies little burden" as pictured here. Sad thing to note here, I actually know what that container is. See back in the 80's Basket 'n' Robins had this promotion where you could get a scoop of ice cream in a plastic baseball cap of your favorite Major League Baseball team. Other than being the perfect item to put scoops of ice cream, this hat also doubles as a conveyance for your little egg child.

Step 3: The Mocking Laughter of Your Peers:

Nothing makes you a responsible parent -- totally comfortable in your role as the guiding force in a child's life -- than the mocking, jeering laughter of your peers. You know that if your predicament becomes the subject of humor amongst your peers you are totally doing the right thing. In fact, when raising a child you should little to no self esteem what so ever. This is the first sign that you are being a responsible parent.

Step 4: The Patronizing "Relative":

What better way to insure baby's first complex than exposing him to that "aunt" or "uncle" who thinks they're really funny. Yes, get "uncle" Joey good and drunk, or hopped up on speed and then put Junior in his arms and let the fun begin. The the most important part about your child's early years are meeting those old high school friends who have amounted to nothing but a bright future in the exciting career of substance abuse!

Step 5: The "Accident":

The most important step in a parents life is what to do at that point where the novelty value of having a precious little darling wears a little thin. Who honestly wants to be changing diapers and having sleepless nights for an extended period of time? Any parent worth their grain of salt knows that being a parent for longer than a week is for suckers, pikers, and total losers. A hip parent learns to discharge their responsibilities as soon as possible. If dumping the kid on your parents, or the orphanages are full the next best way is an unforeseen "accident" that can be blamed on something beyond your control. Toss your baby off the balcony and call it crib death. Everyone will understand!

Step 6: Getting On With Life

Certainly what with Juniors "unfortunate" demise there will be a time for tears, appearances on A Current Affair or Hard Copy, and there will be the book deal, the made for TV movie. Oh and you're going to get a good chunk of change by that FBI Profiler to write a book accusing you of the crime while solving the "Cases that haunt us." Not to mention the "confession" book a decade or two down the road. What's important is that you ride out the 15 minutes of fame, getting as much fiscal renumeration as possible and then resuming your life as usual, because that's what Junior would have wanted.

And the Winner of This Episodes "Best Background Character" Goes to...:

We're going to call him the "Eye Brow Kid" he's actually identified in a later episode as Macmuhamad or something like that ("Just call me Max" as he puts it), why does he make the grade in this episode? For his excellent placement for the gratuitous "I'm trying to be in the background" shot that extras seem to want try and do. You know the type, the kind that when casted as an extra they tend to think that perhaps if they're in the background often they'll get noticed and maybe, just maybe, they'll get noticed by somebody. At the very least they'll end up taping the episode when it airs on TV and show everyone they know that part of the episode they appeared in, quickly shutting off the tape right after saying "Yeah, the rest of the episode isn't really that interesting." This is our man, the Eye Brow Kid. He's been in the background of many Degrassi episodes, usually in Yick & Arthur, or Kathleen & Melanie sequences as they are in the same grade. You can't miss him thanks to his really bushy, Bert-from-Sesame Street caterpillar eyebrows that almost converge... But not quite. In this particular episode, he's standing next to Yick's locker, completely blocked from view due to the actors in front of him, and you only see him when Yick and Arthur walk towards the door and the camera pans by and BOOM, there he is, looking off in the distance, all forlorn and thoughtful. This of course scores him a line or two later on in the series, and eyebrow kid fades off into obscurity like so many of the background characters that try to break out into the foreground, where all the action is. Not everyone can be a success story like Nancy of course, but it's fun to think that most people think they can. I'd like to think that today, Eye Brow Kid still doesn't do anything about his bushy-brow in an attempt of recognizance when he tries to get acting jobs. When they find out he's not Pat Mastriani, he usually gets turned down.

The Award For "best poster" for this episode goes to...:

The world of Degrassi is full of posters, lots of posters. Usually drawn up in markers. You know even for a junior high this school seems to be very heavy with students who like to draw things on poster board in marker and tack it on the wall. It's almost as if a full set of Crayola markers is a compulsory school supply when attending school at Degrassi. If not, then Degrassi has a very inflated colored marker budget the likes of which have never been seen before or ever again. Now when I was in those Junior High grades there wasn't much call for markers or posting things on the wall. This might sound like my Junior High years were really harshing my mellow, but in all actuality I think they were better preparing me for the real world, where there isn't much use for seven rainbow colors that vaguely smell like fruit. That a cheerfully decorated poster board wouldn't net me that big promotion at work, it would only lead my boss to reprimand me for wasting company time, and failing to reach their 401K Plan. But I digress, this episodes winning poster isn't actually one drawn by the kids of Degrassi, but is possibly one of the most frightening anti-smoking poster I've seen in all my years. The most frightening thing is that this woman (is that even a woman? I can't tell) looks kind of like a bizarre cross between Steve Buscemi and Emo Phillips. You got to love how the hand is clamped tightly to the face, so as to create a seal to keep as much of that carcinogenic smoke in her mouth as possible. You can feel her getting tongue cancer! The furrowed brow tens to suggest to me that perhaps, in spite of being a filthy smoker, this woman still finds the time to quander about the mysteries of the universe and her role in this life (other than being a statistic for the anti-smoking lobbyists of course.) She's like the Frederick Nietzsche of chain smokers, only less insane. Perhaps her written pose would even put Plato to shame. Who can say! The most charming features of this poster is of course the rather cryptic and cynical message "Smoking is very glamorous." But I have to say though, that thanks to the internet, there is probably a community (with their very own message board) that would find this sight attractive. That they would find pure pleasure of getting head from this woman between boughts of hacking up all the years of lung butter deposited in her lungs. In fact would find the mix of semen and smokers phlegm erotic. And that's why this poster wins.

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