A Review of the First Season of Degrassi Junior High
A Review by Nick Peron
Degrassi Junior High Episode 05 - The Great Race:
The Characters:
LD: The tomboy who always wants to prove that girls are just as equal as boys in just about everything. Well LD, what about peeing standing up? Yeah that's right! Got you there! Bwa-haw! But no seriously... LD always asserts the fact that she is a tomboy by her ugly baseball cap. Apparently she wears a Casteroil one during special occasions like picture day and such.
Melanie Brodie: First it was drugs, now Melanie is all about the bra's. She is in junior high, and apparently her mother wants her not only to stay away from the dangers of drugs, but also the apparent dangers of underwear. But as any bible thumper will tell you, when you desire something so bad.. So much... when you finally obtain it, you realizes that it's not all it's cracked up to be, and you get nothing but taunts and humiliation from your peers. Why? Because you're a filthy, FILTHY, FILTHY sinner, that's why. Burn in hell. Mother fucker.
Jason Cox: Degrassi Junior High sports rep and chauvinist pig. Believes men are the superior sex, because they can play soccer really good. In this episode he stands up to the challenge of the girls to a swimming match. After this episode, poor Jason takes his over acting and leaves Degrassi (possibly in humiliation.) Living a life of shame of losing the swim match he eventually one day snapped and killed someone. True story, click here for the full scoop (Okay, so he was acquitted... But still as you can see, I can obsess over Degrassi cast members and what they've done after the show like any other freak with a website. NEVER FUCKING DOUBT ME)
Archie "Snake" Simpson: The tall gangly guy who doesn't fit in. Snake carries around a guitar but cannot play, wears stupid sunglasses with the string on both arms to prevent them from falling off your face, and likes to wear the lamest outfits you can ever find. He is the secret crush of Melanie, apparently he's dreamy.
Derek "Wheels" Wheeler: Once again, the Degrassi hard luck kid proves once again that he should have been the load his mother swallowed. Not only does he prove that he's a sexist prig, but he also joins the losing team and gets his ass totally handed to him. Way to go Wheels, way to show how superior you are by losing horribly.
Yick Yu "The Unorganized" & Arthur "Astro Dog" Kobalewscuy: Since these two kids are about as inseparable to a penis super-glued to an orface of it's choice, I will forever more talk about them in unison. The boys decide to try every method possible to grow really tall in this episode, just like Snake. Apparently being awkwardly tall has an untapped power which young master Simpson has failed to utilize. Should Yick & Arthur succeed, then all humanity will bow to their supremacy, and damn it, that's worth eating a shit load of "Crunch Delight" bars.... Whatever the fuck those are.
Fat Chinese Kid: The fat Chinese kid loves his carrots, and soccer. He also believes that he is superior over any girl, I mean he has bigger titties than any of the girls at Degrassi... Well except for maybe Stephanie Kaye. He wears glasses and sports a very traditional hair cut. His academic abilities are but only a mystery and... and... and.. Okay, seriously, how did you get to be a main character in this episode kid? I mean did you blow Kit Hood? Did your dad bankroll the series? I mean, you aren't a very interesting character, a bad actor, and you seem to enjoy the camera even though you have no screen appeal. You are a man with no shame. I envy you...
The Plot:
The Degrassi girls swimming team is kicking some mother fucking ass, but when Jason Cox, the Degrassi Sports Rep doesn't announce their victory it sparks possibly the biggest battle of the sexes since the women's lib movement..... Honest! Check it out, it goes a little something like this:
The girls confront the boys, Cox, in all his wisdom and over-acting, tells the girls that the reason why he didn't announce the girls victory is because people don't care about women's sports. His logic is that in a male dominated sports industry, nobody wants to watch women, and therefore women suck. The girls, led by tomboy LD then challenge the Degrassi Boy's Soccer team to a swimming competition. The boys, thinking that it will be a breeze agree to challenge the ladies.
Later that day, LD sick of hearing about Melanie's crush on Snake and her desire to own her very own bra (her mommy won't let her buy one.) takes Melanie to the store to buy a bra. Hilarity insures.
Back on the home front, Arthur and Yick want to get really tall, but don't seem to be doing so well on their own, and undergo various genetic experiments to make themselves taller.. Well okay, perhaps not, all they do is eat a shit load of chocolate bars (Because Snake does, and he's tall, SO THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE! For a geniuse Arthur, you can be pretty fucking stupid sometimes) and stretching themselves out on the gym equipment.
In class, Melanie becomes the subject of bra strap snapping and every bra stuffing joke on the planet, all because her bra fits compliments her shape so well. This upsets her and she doesn't want to swim anymore, because if people saw her without her bra, they'd think she stuffs her bra.
Meanwhile, the Degrassi boys who are going to compete in the swim meet decide to try and stack the odds a bit in their favor by letting Snake onto the soccer team to compete in the swim match with them (because Snake is bad at soccer but good at swimming)
Later, both Snake and Melanie refuse to swim, however, Snake gives Melanie the courage to swim in the match and win the contest for the girls, and everyone lives happily ever after. Except for Jason, who was probably chased out of town by an angry mob, for he was never seen again... Mostly.
My Opinion:
Well, obviously there are some interesting moral values. Apparently owning a bra is a humiliating and embarrassing thing, I'm glad I never bought one in high school and wore it to school. I just let my tits sag down.
On the whole subject of the battle of the sexes, I now give a pictorial essay to explain the plight of the boys on the Degrassi Soccer Team.
Now I'm not saying that it's because he's Chinese is the reason why they lost the match, it's because he's a man, and all men are wrong. That and never have a minor character join your sports team, nothing good will come of it. Also if someone on your team gives the "#1" with two hands they deserve a kick in the head. .. But I digress.
Nancy Alert:
Nancy appears with a vengeance in this episode bringing in a big 23 appearances in this episode. Whenever the girls needed an extra person around to agree with them, Nancy was there. Whenever LD & Melanie were walking down the street and needed to say hi to a classmate, Nancy was there (her first line in the whole series was "Hi" and you heard it hear first... bitch.) When there needed another ass to sit in another seat in the bleacher, Nancy was there (she probably even filled two.) When someone needed someone to jump up and down holding a bad home made sign and cheer, damn it, you can fucking well bet that Nancy was there. Nancy we commend you for being the most versatile extra who is always there when the life's got us down, when our chips are down, and we need that extra person kicking around to make our lives more fuller. March on Nancy! We'll be there when you march on Washington!.... I'm losing my mind.
