My Name is Bruce

A Review by Nick Peron

Bruce Campbell. If I need to explain who the hell Bruce Campbell is, then either you've been living on fucking Mars (which means you may have a blue penis) or you've spent your time fruitlessly clicking on links on this site and have no idea what anyone is talking about at all (which again, goes back to my original theory about Mars and blue penises.) Well for those of you who are unlearned in the way of b-movies, Bruce Campbell is to B-Movie fans as Vin Diesel is to the retarded. Which is to say, we both glaze over in drooling envy watching our iconic hero in action. To give you an another analog to compare Campbell to the B-Movie comunity, he's our Jodie Foster to our John Hinkley, Jr. (and for the record, our analogy for Ronald Regan in this sick little fantasy of mine will be played by Harry Knowles of aintitcoolnews.com) We all know and love Bruce from such memorable roles as "Police Man on Bicycle" in It's Murder! or how about "Soap Opera Actor" in Fargo ? And who could forget his unforgettable role as the "Human Society Worker" in the 2004 hit The Ladykillers ? Bruce certainly has become an iconic actor, appearing in numerious cult movies, television series (and some of them didn't have a Raimi brother involved in it one way or another!) , video games, he's even published two books and was the spokesman for Old Spice back not so long ago. But most importantly, we have to remember that Bruce is an actor. His website even says so. See? Bruce Campbell - Comma - actor.

As a half hearted Bruce Campbell fan (in saying that, I mean I only three action figures of Bruce himself, a lunch box, a poster and a few of his movies -- and some of them aren't special editions) I was delighted with the addition of My Name is Bruce to my collection of films. If there was any role Bruce Campbell was born to play, it was this one... hell he had the same name as the character in the movie!.... Oh wait a second...

Anyway, My Name is Bruce, follows the story of Bruce Campbell, actor. He's down and out on his luck, his wife's left him and he's reduced to being a drunk living in a trailor trying to make a quick buck being in a shit-bonanza called Cave Alien 2. His life is about to turn up-side-down however when some nearby Emo kids smash up an ancient Chinese grave yard in the town of Gold Lick (no, that's not a typo) and awaken Guan-di, the anicent Chinese spirit that protects the dead.... and beans (I'm not making that up either) Of course the towns folk are being picked off one by one, when one of the bastard Emo kids comes up with the best solution to save the day: Kidnap Bruce Campbell and he'll save us, because that's what Bruce Campbell, actor, does when put in a situation like this. Bruce, who thinks this is all a birthday prank setup by his agent, complies until he realizes it's all for real-real, and not for play-play. He then does what any self respecting actor does when he realizes he's been put in the way of death by a bunch of shit-stupid town folk: Get the fuck out of there. In doing so, he inspires the stupid Emo kid to realize, with great cowardace comes great stupidity, and so he becomes the amazing Emo-Douche, and goes off to fight Guan-di alone. Bruce learns of his fate, and since he wants to bang Emo kid's filthy-MILFy mom (for which I hope for the express reason of giving her offspring that you aren't going to wish you drowned in a river when they grew up and become Emo kids) And with a combination of Bruce Campbell memorabilia, bean curd, and replacing a stolen door knocker, Bruce and the stupid kid manage to save the day. Bruce is hailed as a hero and everyone lives happily ever after.

More Bruce References Than a Bruce Campbell Trivial Persuit Game: This movie was obviously made for the Bruce Campbell fan at heart. I mean why else would anyone make a movie like this? The references to his previous films, the type of mind numbingly stupid questions he gets from fans, plugs for his books, and not to mention all the Bruce Campbell related memorabilia, even I could help myself and oggle at it all. It boggles the mind. The end of the film has some cringe worthy moments to an avid collector, there's a scene where a bunch of Bruce's merchanside is torched by Emo douches mom. It made me grin with glee.. Because you know that there's at least a good dozen to a hundred people in the world that have this movie that probably reacted with outrage or at least a lot of discomfort watching the destruction of such memorabilia. Not being one of those people, and knowing how they react gave me untold levels of joy. I'm a collector of things. But shit on me, you aren't going to see me get that bent out of shape over a bunch of mere possessions.

Fucking Emo Kids... DIE DIE DIE!: Seriously, they casted two Emo kids in this movie, and I swear to go they are the most patheticly stupid looking Emo kids I have ever seen in my life. Mercifully, one of them (but unfortunately not the most ass stupid looking one) is killed early on in the film, turning the amount of Emo douchery down to a low key. The films creators were smart enough not to keep the kid in his full pussified Emo regallia, but still just having Emo children in this movie is enough to make me want to go on a murder spree at a Hot Topic. I hate Emo kids. With a passion. Why? Because you snot nosed little shits absorb anything counter culture, so now whenever I go out in my They Live hoodie, people assume I'm Emo. Black pants? Emo. Two-tone hair? Emo. Suspenders? Emo. Fedoras? E-Fucking-Mo. You know what? I'm not Emo. I am Mental. As in TEMPERMENTAL, mostly because when ever I see you douche bags with your stupid tattoo stars, annoying lip rings and side-ways-fucking-base-ball-caps I want to fucking strangle you. Evicerate your corpse. Chop your head off, and before I mail it to your parents, I would fuck your eye sockets and drop a deuce in your mouth. Then I'm going to steal your girlfriend, have my way with her, then we're going to laugh at all your stupid songs or poetry, or whatever stupid "creative" thing you do, and then when she professes her love for me and that she's carrying my baby, I'm going to abort the fetus myself (with the latest in coat-hanger technology) toss her in the back of a car and push her off a cliff into angry waters. Then I'll probably sum it all up by pissing on your grave. Which considering everything else, it's kind of anti-climactic..... I was talking about a movie wasn't I? Oh, right... My name is Bruce....

Cameos Galore, But No Fake Shemps: Is it no surprise that a number of well known faces from previous Bruce Campbell films make cameo appearances. Such as Ted Raimi, who plays three roles in the film, one of Campbell's sleezie agent (who is having an affair with his wife), the old Chinese man in the town of Gold Lick who wanrs the people of the towns curse, and a sign painter who comically updates the population sign whenever someone gets killed off. In addition, Dan Hicks and Tim Quill play roles of locals in the town who have a secret love affair. You may remember quill from From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money and Dan Hicks from Love Birds. And Ted Raimi needs know introduction, and I think we all know what other movie he starred in with Bruce Campbell. That's right I'm talking about Man with the Screaming Brain . I mean, what other movies could I possible mention that these guys were in with Bruce Campbell that you would know about? Right none come to mind. Exactly. Sadly, the movie falls short of having Fake Shemps. For those of you who don't know what a Fake Shemp is, please consult your local library for more information.

Not Exactly Gory: For those of you who are looking for this to be a gory Bruce Campbell movie, like some of his previously bloody gory films (The Love Bug and McHale's Navy come to mind) you're going to be sorely disappointed. The special effects, however are great in that they are believable. There are some great kills, such as the slaughter of the aformentioned emo children that will have you giving the movie either a standing ovation or a back-rub (That's up to you, I don't broker these third party deals, you'll have to discuss it with the movie directly what it wants in renumeration.)

Most Infuriating Moment: The whole movie is based on the premise that the dumb-as-shit Emo kid stole a door knocker off the tomb that kept Guan-di dorment, and the whole time he NEGLECTS to tell anyone that he has it, until the end of the movie or it's significance! This kid is such a fuck up he thinks to call in Bruce Campbell, actor, to help them out and totally forgets a crucial plot point like the fucking thing that he took that awoken the fucking-pissed off ancient Chinese bean-defending ghost. This kid is apparently a Bruce Campbell fan, and has seen every movie countless times. Do you not pay attention to the plots in horror movies you stupid kid? It's not until Bruce Campbell almost gets himself blown up with TNT do they realize, hey, if we put the fucking door knob back on the tomb, maybe the ghost will go away. Okay, granted, it would be a lot shorter a film if the kid figured it out earlier, but I'm sorry movie. No. NO! BAD MOVIE! I refuse to believe the kid was that dense. Would it not have been a better plot device if he dropped the door knob in the grave yard when he first woke up the monster? I mean, at least then it would make sense that he would forget about it's significance. I will believe me in a teenagers ability to suffer from out-of-sight-out-of-mind, rather than "Dumbly wear the key to beating the monster around my neck until the end of the movie when my fucking stupid-emo boy neurons fire enough to make a connection." angle they were going for.

The Case For: My Name is Bruce is to be enjoyed for the simple fact that it stars Bruce Campbell. You need not have any other reason to see it except for that. If you've been brave enough to sit through Alien Apocalypse and Moonwarp, this movie is a lot better by far. It's essentially one big reference to Bruce Campbell's career and a lot of nods to his books and his interactions with fans. A lot of people will give this movie flack, word on the internet (which apparently, according to most douche bags is apparently gospel. If that were true, people would be getting down and fucking worshiping me, and I would look unto them and say: indulge.) that this movie isn't great. I stop you, and ask you one pointed question: What Bruce Campbell movie good? Seriously? Are you saying these supposed "good" Bruce Campbell movies would be just as great if you removed Bruce Campbell and replace them with another actor? Would you still think Terminal Invasion would be great if they hired Kirk Cameron to play the role of Jack? Or how about if in Icebreaker the role of Carl Greig was played not by Bruce Campbell, actor, but Edward James Olmost, Or how about if in Congo , the role of Charles Travis was played by my hot neighbors breasts.... No wait... That one would actually be a good movie, plus I could spank one out when the gorillas would attack. The point I'm getting at is that Bruce is what makes these movies enjoyable, and if anyone is knocking this movie because of anything else outside and is being harshly critical (like I was above) needs to go fuck themselves (which I plan to do once I put down the keyboard and get some lotion) Because you're taking this movie too seriously, you're missing that art that's there, and looking for art where it isn't.

The Case Against: Admittedly, the squawking vaginas in the peanut gallery of the internet do have a bit of a point. The biggest criticism is about the plot point, and the bland characters. Mind you, keeping in the same theme above, what do you expect? Did any number of Bruce Campbell movies have great plots or actors playing other roles? No. No they didn't. And if you disagree, I would direct you to watch Maniac Cop again, or the aforementioned Alien Apocalypse, that Sci-Fi network monstrosity with the bad dubbing, and actors with unpronounceable names. So I think people assumed because of the title My Name is Bruce, that they were going to make it like that other really popular Bruce Campbell movie. You know which one I'm talking about right? That's right, I'm talking about Assault on Dome 4. People got so worked up because they expected a movie that was a homage to the actor to be almost the same thing of a particular movie that he's already starred in. So, in reality, the only case I have against this movie are the outspoken Bruce Campbell fans out there, they are whiney bitches. You know, as great as Menno's Mind was, if they made an exact copy of it, because you can't handle a movie that has a fucking different plot (be it good or bad) shows just how uncreative you're thought process is. You're probably the same douche bags who will watch the same worn out VHS copy of TimeQuest over and over preaching about how the DVD cut is inferior and how if they ever remade it you would write an angry blog on some Furry Message board. Because that's what the Internet Peanut Gallery does. And that's the case against this movie, because of the star being attacked to a bunch of waddle necked, bed wetting, shit eating fans who whine about anything that doesn't fit your esthetic. No this movie is not Touch the Top of the World (And what movie could stack up against that?), but I can still see merit in this film, and I can still recognize it's going points... I mean, it's not like it's Alien Apocalypse or anything.