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Exploitation Double Bill

Bitch Slap! & Lesbian Vampire Killers

Review by Nick Peron

To start off, thank god these aren't zombie movies. I've been reviewing way too many recently, so it's nice to have a change. However, I am jumping into an arena that is also incredibly popular these days: The exploitation film call-back. Ever since Quinten Tarantino made the kitchy grindhouse films of the 1960's and 70's popular in Hollywood, everyone has jumped on the bandwagon making these pseudo-explotation films in a mostly ironic attempt to modernize the concept of juggling tits, blazing guns, and gratuitous sex, more so now following the popularity generated from Grindhouse .

So we're going to take a look at two films today that have titles that pretty much bludgeon you with the fact that they are exploitation films by titles alone: Bitch Slap! and Lesbian Vampire Killers. Now films with such obvious titles such as these are either two things: Very witty and entertaining (Die You Zombie Bastards! ! and Snakes on a Plane come immediately to mind) or they fail miserably (Vampires Vs. Zombies , Flight of the Living Dead , and about a shit load of other poorly executed zombie movies. See a pattern?) So lets see how these two films stacked out:

Bitch Slap:

Should be re-titled Bitch Snore, because it's full of angry women that are so dull and stereotypical you'll be falling asleep. Bitch Slap is the work of Rick Jacobson and Eric Gruendemann. Sound familiar? Well if you ever watched any television shows by Sam Raimi's Renaissance Pictures ("Hercules The Legendary Journeys ", "Xena Warrior Princess ",. "Cleopatra 2525 ", "Jack of All Trades ") chances are you've seen these guys work in the past.

The film comes at a time when making modern day Grindehouse films are popular in Hollywood, and as such the direct-to-video and limited theatrical release market has also latched onto it like a starving dog much like the zombie movie craze. Which comes up with products that are either hit or miss. Bitch Slap is a big miss.

The film is supposed to be a parody of female exploitation films of the 1960's and 70's. In the writers own words it's a "post-modern, thinking man's throw-back to the 'B' movie/Exploitation films..." Yeah, I can hear the narcissistic masturbating in that statement also.

The movie attempts to be grindehouse, uses elements commonly used in Grindhouse films, but relies entirely on modern film techniques: green screens, modern fight choreography with the film being sped up and slowed down at just the right places. The picture is crystal clear with no scratches, lines, over-saturation, or other comment elements that you would find in the film quality of a true grindhouse film (be it done naturally, or done in post production like with Planet Terror and Death Proof)

The film follows three women: Trixie (Julia Voth), Hel (Erin Cummings), and Camero (America Olivo) who are all seeking to regain diamonds stolen by the criminal known as Gage (Michael Hurst). However each of the girls have their own secrets and motivations for going on this mission, Hel is secretly an agent working for a covert spy agency led by Mr. Phoenix (Kevin Sorbo), Camero is a drug addicted crook trying to take back what she thinks is hers, and Trixie on the outside appears only to be looking for love, but her secret is the most sinister of them all (and despite the fact that I think this movie kind of sucks, I won't spoil the ending for you)

The film tries to play itself off as a film taking the sprit of the old style exploitation films on a modern day filmmaking level. However, by comparison, it's a lot tamer than some of the grindehouse movies that it's trying to emulate. The girls cat fight, make out, dump buckets of water on their heads and also find themselves divested of most of their clothes. However all the sexuality and material that would classify as exploitative is... bland.... It's kind of like softcore porn only nobody takes their clothes off. Just a whole lot of cleavage and boob punching. Don't get me wrong, I don't care if there is nudity in a movie or not, but this movie is about as juvenile as most video games. It's a wet dream movie written for an audience I can only assume has never been with a woman before.

It seems to me that these guys haven't been able to write outside of the pseudo-masterbatory horse-shit that they were used to writing when they were doing all those Renaissance Pictures shows. Did you not expand over the last 10 years as writers or what? Or is this the only uninspired drivel that you can come up with?

The movie also attempts to do the progressive flashback, backtracking further and further in time so that eventually by the time the movie is over you get a full picture of what the heck is going on. With most movies that do things this way, they usually do it quite well.. This movie? Fails. You know why it fails? Because I really don't give a shit about the plot, and I can place bets that most people that would go out of their way to see this movie wouldn't care either as long as back story = more cleavage or promises of bare breasts.

I will have to say that if you cannot captivate your audience to care about the plot during your hour + long boobie movie, then you've failed as a filmmaker. I would also say that you're a poor story teller if you need girls making out or splashing water on themselves to advance the plot. The over abundance of "let's do it over the clothing like we're still in high school" material makes the story drag on a lot longer than it should have been, which is not winning you any points in my books. If you wanted to make a movie like this so bad, you should have made it a porno, so at least you could stop dicking around and justify why it's 20 minutes of girls dry humping each other surrounded by 30 minutes of boring exposition and 10 minutes of tit punching.

And anyone who seriously bought this for the sex appeal, do yourself a favor and find a porn site, for gods sake. It's more economic and you'll get more out of it.

I bought this movie thinking it was going to be a witty little film, and while it attempted to be a parody of exploitation films it failed miserably and only succeeded at coming across as a watered down clone of said films. Having your top heavy actresses occasionally spout out quotes from Sun Tzu's "The Art of War " doesn't make your film seem any smarter either.

Also stick around for cameo appearances by Kevin Sorbo and Lucy Lawless. Not for any particular reason except for when you're torturing your friends with this movie later you can point it out to them so they can stop screaming in agony for a moment and remark "Oh yeah, look at that, and they look great!" before resuming.

Oh, and the edition I watched was the unrated edition. Which leaves me to wonder if there was a "rated" version of the film? God, that must have been even more boring, I hope that the "unrated" tag is just a marketing ploy, because if there is a "rated" edition, the MPAA must have been on the rag when they went through it, this movie is a snoozer.

Apparently they are going to be working on a sequel to Bitch Slap, and if that's the case might I recommend they come up with a better story and stop fucking around. But you know, I doubt that. Sequels are almost always worse than the originals so I can see a second Bitch Slap film being even more juvenile and retarded than this one.

Let's hope Lesbian Vampire Killers is less of a disappointment.....

Lesbian Vampire Killers

Hrm.. The case to this one reads "After Twilight , the Real Party Starts"... Oh boy, I bet some marketing genius got a huge boner thinking that one up. This stands as a bad omen for this movie, but I'll wait and see what happens. I'll be right back...

1 Hour and 23 Minutes later:

.... Okay, so I wasn't expecting that. I have to say, I went into Lesbian Vampire Hunters thinking that it was going to be a total flop (what can I say, Bitch Slap put the hackles up on my neck, so I had to prepare myself for the worse. Surprisingly it was not that bad.

The film was written by two UK comedy writers Stewart Williams, and Paul Huptfield and directed by Phil Claydon. It is a horror comedy about two buddies, Jimmy (Matthew Home) and Fletch (James Corden). Jimmy just got dumped for the 8th time by his girlfriend Judy (Lucy Gaskell) and Fletch fired from his job as a party clown after he punched out a kid for spraying him in the crotch with his own seltzer bottle. The two guys decide to go on an adventure, however when they find that they are both strapped for cash they finally agree on taking a hike to the town of Cragwich.

Unknown to them, Jimmy's ancestor Baron Wolfgang MacLaren destroyed the evil vampire lesbian queen Carmilla (Silvia Colloca). However before her destruction she cursed the town so that every daughter born would turn into a lesbian vampire on their 18th birthday, and that one day when the last of the Baron's bloodline's blood is mixed with that of a virgin she would return to Earth once more, even more powerful than ever.

In modern times, in order to appease the horde of lesbian vampires that live in the area, the locals would direct any visitors to a cabin in the woods, claiming it was free lodging so that they will be the vampires victims. Not only are Jimmy and Fletch directed there, but also are a group of girls, the virginal Lotte (MyAnna Buring), Heidi (Tiffany Mulheron), Anke (Louise Dylan) and the monosyllabic Trudi (Ashley Mulheron).

Before going to the cabin, Jimmy is recognized by the local Vicar (Paul McGann) as the descendant of the Baron, and seeks to have the lad help him lift the curse before his own daughter Rebecca (Emer Kenny) from becoming a lesbian vampire once her 18th birthday comes to pass at midnight that night.

This movie is full of a lot of great one-liners, sight-gags, and is just as funny as Shaun of the Dead if not funnier. I thought this was a very brilliant film. However, the British press did not think so. In fact, they completely trashed this movie. Yet, on the other foot they loved Shaun of the Dead. It can't be because of all the swearing and potty humor, or the nudity. I mean, these are things prevalent in any British comedy. Is it the fact that they are lesbian vampire killers? I think that's the problem right there. At any rate, to all the press out there over in the UK, this gentleman from the colonies has this to say to your reviews: Bollocks!

It's got your basic story, guy is dumped, meets virginal girl, they fall in love, they have to fight vampires, and at the end of the day they win. Of course they win, this isn't some heavy handed gorefest vampire movie, or some cerebral bit of Twilight-ish fuckery. This is a horror/comedy. It's a buddy film with clam digging vampires. What the hell are you expecting?

An interesting interpretation to vampire lore they change up in this movie is that all lesbian vampires are full of white goop and when you kill them (usually by impaling them) they explode in a torrent of white gooey crap (hrm, I wonder if this is a metaphor for something.)

The ending of the film, the trio of survivors decide that they are going to go around the country and fight more creatures of the dark, leaving the movie up for a sequel by suggesting that they are going to go after gay werewolves next. I really hope this gets made.

Conclusively Speaking:

At the end of the day, Lesbian Vampire Killers is an infinitely better film than Bitch Slap! You know why? Good writing. Bitch Slap pandered on the simplicity of selling cleavage that the sub-story was uninteresting and much less cared about due to it's non-linear format. Whereas Lesbian Vampire Killers was just as much an exploitation film, it made a point to have sharp and witty story. A good foundation for a tale that reels the viewer in.

It used sex to sell itself as a movie, but at least it had an interesting story that reeled you in. It was such a much better written film that it didn't need the naked lesbian vampires to sell it. Why? Because it was a funny movie that didn't take itself too seriously. It was a movie that was about having fun, it offered a simple story that you didn't have to rewind or watch multiple times to figure out what the heck is going on. Which, okay, sure a lot of movies can make you do that, but the difference between Bitch Slap and other movies that you may need to watch more than a few times to figure out what's going on, is that most of those movies have far superior writing.

That being said, Bitch Slap sucks, and Lesbian Vampire Killers is by far a better movie.


		Exploitation Double Bill Bitch Slap! & Lesbian Vampire Killers Review by Nick Peron To start off, thank god these aren't zombie movies. I've been reviewing way too many recently, so it's nice to have a change. However, I am jumping into an arena that is also incredibly popular these days: The exploitation film call-back. Ever since Quinten Tarantino made the kitchy grindhouse films of the 1960's and 70's popular in Hollywood, everyone has jumped on the bandwagon making these pseudo-explotation films in a mostly ironic attempt to modernize the concept of juggling tits, blazing guns, and gratuitous sex, more so now following the popularity generated from Grindhouse . So we're going to take a look at two films today that have titles that pretty much bludgeon you with the fact that they are exploitation films by titles alone: Bitch Slap! and Lesbian Vampire Killers. Now films with such obvious titles such as these are either two things: Very witty and entertaining (Die You Zombie Bastards! ! and Snakes on a Plane come immediately to mind) or they fail miserably (Vampires Vs. Zombies , Flight of the Living Dead , and about a shit load of other poorly executed zombie movies. See a pattern?) So lets see how these two films stacked out: Bitch Slap: Should be re-titled Bitch Snore, because it's full of angry women that are so dull and stereotypical you'll be falling asleep. Bitch Slap is the work of Rick Jacobson and Eric Gruendemann. Sound familiar? Well if you ever watched any television shows by Sam Raimi's Renaissance Pictures ("Hercules The Legendary Journeys ", "Xena Warrior Princess ",. "Cleopatra 2525 ", "Jack of All Trades ") chances are you've seen these guys work in the past. The film comes at a time when making modern day Grindehouse films are popular in Hollywood, and as such the direct-to-video and limited theatrical release market has also latched onto it like a starving dog much like the zombie movie craze. Which comes up with products that are either hit or miss. Bitch Slap is a big miss. The film is supposed to be a parody of female exploitation films of the 1960's and 70's. In the writers own words it's a "post-modern, thinking man's throw-back to the 'B' movie/Exploitation films..." Yeah, I can hear the narcissistic masturbating in that statement also. The movie attempts to be grindehouse, uses elements commonly used in Grindhouse films, but relies entirely on modern film techniques: green screens, modern fight choreography with the film being sped up and slowed down at just the right places. The picture is crystal clear with no scratches, lines, over-saturation, or other comment elements that you would find in the film quality of a true grindhouse film (be it done naturally, or done in post production like with Planet Terror and Death Proof) The film follows three women: Trixie (Julia Voth), Hel (Erin Cummings), and Camero (America Olivo) who are all seeking to regain diamonds stolen by the criminal known as Gage (Michael Hurst). However each of the girls have their own secrets and motivations for going on this mission, Hel is secretly an agent working for a covert spy agency led by Mr. Phoenix (Kevin Sorbo), Camero is a drug addicted crook trying to take back what she thinks is hers, and Trixie on the outside appears only to be looking for love, but her secret is the most sinister of them all (and despite the fact that I think this movie kind of sucks, I won't spoil the ending for you) The film tries to play itself off as a film taking the sprit of the old style exploitation films on a modern day filmmaking level. However, by comparison, it's a lot tamer than some of the grindehouse movies that it's trying to emulate. The girls cat fight, make out, dump buckets of water on their heads and also find themselves divested of most of their clothes. However all the sexuality and material that would classify as exploitative is... bland.... It's kind of like softcore porn only nobody takes their clothes off. Just a whole lot of cleavage and boob punching. Don't get me wrong, I don't care if there is nudity in a movie or not, but this movie is about as juvenile as most video games. It's a wet dream movie written for an audience I can only assume has never been with a woman before. It seems to me that these guys haven't been able to write outside of the pseudo-masterbatory horse-shit that they were used to writing when they were doing all those Renaissance Pictures shows. Did you not expand over the last 10 years as writers or what? Or is this the only uninspired drivel that you can come up with? The movie also attempts to do the progressive flashback, backtracking further and further in time so that eventually by the time the movie is over you get a full picture of what the heck is going on. With most movies that do things this way, they usually do it quite well.. This movie? Fails. You know why it fails? Because I really don't give a shit about the plot, and I can place bets that most people that would go out of their way to see this movie wouldn't care either as long as back story = more cleavage or promises of bare breasts. I will have to say that if you cannot captivate your audience to care about the plot during your hour + long boobie movie, then you've failed as a filmmaker. I would also say that you're a poor story teller if you need girls making out or splashing water on themselves to advance the plot. The over abundance of "let's do it over the clothing like we're still in high school" material makes the story drag on a lot longer than it should have been, which is not winning you any points in my books. If you wanted to make a movie like this so bad, you should have made it a porno, so at least you could stop dicking around and justify why it's 20 minutes of girls dry humping each other surrounded by 30 minutes of boring exposition and 10 minutes of tit punching. And anyone who seriously bought this for the sex appeal, do yourself a favor and find a porn site, for gods sake. It's more economic and you'll get more out of it. I bought this movie thinking it was going to be a witty little film, and while it attempted to be a parody of exploitation films it failed miserably and only succeeded at coming across as a watered down clone of said films. Having your top heavy actresses occasionally spout out quotes from Sun Tzu's "The Art of War " doesn't make your film seem any smarter either. Also stick around for cameo appearances by Kevin Sorbo and Lucy Lawless. Not for any particular reason except for when you're torturing your friends with this movie later you can point it out to them so they can stop screaming in agony for a moment and remark "Oh yeah, look at that, and they look great!" before resuming. Oh, and the edition I watched was the unrated edition. Which leaves me to wonder if there was a "rated" version of the film? God, that must have been even more boring, I hope that the "unrated" tag is just a marketing ploy, because if there is a "rated" edition, the MPAA must have been on the rag when they went through it, this movie is a snoozer. Apparently they are going to be working on a sequel to Bitch Slap, and if that's the case might I recommend they come up with a better story and stop fucking around. But you know, I doubt that. Sequels are almost always worse than the originals so I can see a second Bitch Slap film being even more juvenile and retarded than this one. Let's hope Lesbian Vampire Killers is less of a disappointment..... Lesbian Vampire Killers Hrm.. The case to this one reads "After Twilight , the Real Party Starts"... Oh boy, I bet some marketing genius got a huge boner thinking that one up. This stands as a bad omen for this movie, but I'll wait and see what happens. I'll be right back... 1 Hour and 23 Minutes later: .... Okay, so I wasn't expecting that. I have to say, I went into Lesbian Vampire Hunters thinking that it was going to be a total flop (what can I say, Bitch Slap put the hackles up on my neck, so I had to prepare myself for the worse. Surprisingly it was not that bad. The film was written by two UK comedy writers Stewart Williams, and Paul Huptfield and directed by Phil Claydon. It is a horror comedy about two buddies, Jimmy (Matthew Home) and Fletch (James Corden). Jimmy just got dumped for the 8th time by his girlfriend Judy (Lucy Gaskell) and Fletch fired from his job as a party clown after he punched out a kid for spraying him in the crotch with his own seltzer bottle. The two guys decide to go on an adventure, however when they find that they are both strapped for cash they finally agree on taking a hike to the town of Cragwich. Unknown to them, Jimmy's ancestor Baron Wolfgang MacLaren destroyed the evil vampire lesbian queen Carmilla (Silvia Colloca). However before her destruction she cursed the town so that every daughter born would turn into a lesbian vampire on their 18th birthday, and that one day when the last of the Baron's bloodline's blood is mixed with that of a virgin she would return to Earth once more, even more powerful than ever. In modern times, in order to appease the horde of lesbian vampires that live in the area, the locals would direct any visitors to a cabin in the woods, claiming it was free lodging so that they will be the vampires victims. Not only are Jimmy and Fletch directed there, but also are a group of girls, the virginal Lotte (MyAnna Buring), Heidi (Tiffany Mulheron), Anke (Louise Dylan) and the monosyllabic Trudi (Ashley Mulheron). Before going to the cabin, Jimmy is recognized by the local Vicar (Paul McGann) as the descendant of the Baron, and seeks to have the lad help him lift the curse before his own daughter Rebecca (Emer Kenny) from becoming a lesbian vampire once her 18th birthday comes to pass at midnight that night. This movie is full of a lot of great one-liners, sight-gags, and is just as funny as Shaun of the Dead if not funnier. I thought this was a very brilliant film. However, the British press did not think so. In fact, they completely trashed this movie. Yet, on the other foot they loved Shaun of the Dead. It can't be because of all the swearing and potty humor, or the nudity. I mean, these are things prevalent in any British comedy. Is it the fact that they are lesbian vampire killers? I think that's the problem right there. At any rate, to all the press out there over in the UK, this gentleman from the colonies has this to say to your reviews: Bollocks! It's got your basic story, guy is dumped, meets virginal girl, they fall in love, they have to fight vampires, and at the end of the day they win. Of course they win, this isn't some heavy handed gorefest vampire movie, or some cerebral bit of Twilight-ish fuckery. This is a horror/comedy. It's a buddy film with clam digging vampires. What the hell are you expecting? An interesting interpretation to vampire lore they change up in this movie is that all lesbian vampires are full of white goop and when you kill them (usually by impaling them) they explode in a torrent of white gooey crap (hrm, I wonder if this is a metaphor for something.) The ending of the film, the trio of survivors decide that they are going to go around the country and fight more creatures of the dark, leaving the movie up for a sequel by suggesting that they are going to go after gay werewolves next. I really hope this gets made. Conclusively Speaking: At the end of the day, Lesbian Vampire Killers is an infinitely better film than Bitch Slap! You know why? Good writing. Bitch Slap pandered on the simplicity of selling cleavage that the sub-story was uninteresting and much less cared about due to it's non-linear format. Whereas Lesbian Vampire Killers was just as much an exploitation film, it made a point to have sharp and witty story. A good foundation for a tale that reels the viewer in. It used sex to sell itself as a movie, but at least it had an interesting story that reeled you in. It was such a much better written film that it didn't need the naked lesbian vampires to sell it. Why? Because it was a funny movie that didn't take itself too seriously. It was a movie that was about having fun, it offered a simple story that you didn't have to rewind or watch multiple times to figure out what the heck is going on. Which, okay, sure a lot of movies can make you do that, but the difference between Bitch Slap and other movies that you may need to watch more than a few times to figure out what's going on, is that most of those movies have far superior writing. That being said, Bitch Slap sucks, and Lesbian Vampire Killers is by far a better movie.
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