Beastmaster 2: Beyond the Portal of Time

A review by Michael O'May

To some people “The Beastmaster” is a classic, so the concept of a sequel to is a good idea right? Well the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Marc Singer was a god to me as a kid. He was ripped, kicked ass, got the girl, and talked to ferrets, how can you beat that?  I tried and failed for the most part to do any of these in my life but still he’s a good role model and I can talk to weasels thanks to him. When I saw the trailer for “Beastmaster 2” as a kid I almost shit myself, more adventures for Dar was all I needed to hear to be there opening night. This might be my earliest memory of having my eyes pissed on by a movie. How could they fuck up my beloved Beastmaster?

As a grown man-child I know now that this was a simple effort to cash in on the Beastmaster name because the original had made some coin thanks in part to video and syndication deals. I just wish they went another route when they picked a generic story type to use for the movie. For some reason that is still beyond me the jack offs behind this disaster went the “oh no our hero has left his fantasy world and entered the real world, here come shenanigans” route. It didn’t work in the He-Man movie why in the hell would it work here?

The story is overblown and full of holes and as a matter of fact it plays like a drawn out He-Man episode but I’m not here to make comparisons (Beastmaster came first before He-Man) The plot involves Dar coming to blows with a new villain that’s actually his brother played by D-movie stalwart Wings Hauser (Wings reinvents overacting with this role)

Somehow there’s a magical portal to early 90’s Los Angeles and through sheer coincidence Kari Wuhrer drives her Mercedes right through it into Dar’s world. If you’re curious this is a Kari Wuhrer before she started to take her clothes off in every single movie she was in (shame). Wings Hauser finds out about the girl, the portal, and for some reason a new easily portable nuclear bomb that just so happens to be in L.A. Wings get the genius idea that if he has the bomb he can rule the wasteland world he and Dar live in, because the idea of making a wasteland more of a wasteland with a nuke is supposed to be scary right?

What follows is some pretty boring antics in L.A. with a pissed police captain (James Avery before he made his star turn on the Fresh Prince) Kari Wuhrer and the Beast Master trying to find and stop Wings Hauser before he over acts himself to death. Seriously the guy is so over the top in this he’s like a 60’s batman TV villain. The movie ends pretty ambiguously just in case they need to make another sequel and they somehow manage to shoe in Michael Berryman. They did make a part 3 in the Beastmaster franchise but thankfully it doesn’t use any of the mind numbing elements of part 2.
 
A favorite part of mine in Beastmaster 2 is when a drunken and perhaps homeless Robert Z’Dar wanders onto the set of the movie and fits right in. Nobody notices he’s not supposed to be there they just assume he’s in the movie. Not once do they think there might actually be a guy who looks as fucking beastly as Z’Dar that wears armor and rags for no reason, clearly they don’t know Z’Dar. He’s so drunk you can smell the malt liquor and Pringles through the screen. I’m kidding he’s just a horrible actor.

All in all Beastmaster 2 is shit on a stick with the exception of Marc Singer reprising his role as Dar. Check it out if you want to fall asleep quicker or you want a new reason to commit suicide.

I give this abomination one and half drunken Z’dars out of five

.5

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