Micro-Shock Cinema

The Amytville Horror

A Review by Nick Peron

My Smart Ass Comments:

I’m going to have to agree with a lot of critics out there and say that this movie is not scary. It’s very long, drawn out, and very very boring. I am also going to go out really far and say that Satan isn’t all that menacing so much as he comes off being that bully at school that dumps your books and give you wedgies (only in house form!)

I mean come on, how can anyone be scared of the house? The worst it really did to the family (unless you ignore that whole axe murdering thing, or that the last family were shot to death. Those were pretty evil, I guess.) was steal some money, slam a window on a kids fingers, make a priest vomit, cut some break cables and release a hood of a car, and blow a door off it’s hinges. Kids will be kids, as they say, but in this movie I suppose Satan, will be, Satan. I was very disappointed that at no point in the film did Satan leave a burning bag of dog shit on the lawn, put plastic wrap on the toilet seat, or egg the neighbors house.

Another thing I’d like to point out again is that the families complete ignorance towards all this stuff happening. They completely ignored the Devil’s pranks. I could tell this family of numb-nuts a thing or two about dealing with a joker in poor taste, and that’s that you don’t ignore him it only encourages him to one-up it next time. I mean there is only so far you can ignore a practical joker until he tries and convince the man of the house that killing his family with an axe is a perfectly rational idea, you know. No, you want to make sure your little bundle of Bealzabub is nurtured and raised properly the way God intended. Don't scold the child, that would only encourage more anti-social behavior. Use the best tool any loving parent can use on a budding young Mephestophite: Mind games. When your little demonic hellion blows the door off the hinges, don't tell him off, kneel down and say to him "Wow that was pretty impressive my dark master, but I bet you can't knock that door all away over into the Johnsons yard!" See, you're bonding!

I am also very disappointed about how the Catholic Church was represented in this film, I mean Satan’s possessed a house and they laugh and say the devil isn’t real? Holy shit (no pun intended), but in real life I’d like to believe that they would go over there, exorcise the house, burn all the copies of The Catcher in the Rye , and then condemn the gay couple next door to the foulest pits of hell on the way back home. Then cook some Captain High-Liner fish sticks because it’s Friday. I mean, where is that one sided ignorance? Where is that panache for preaching hellfire and brimstone? Where's the damnation of Stem-Cell research even though it could be the cure to all human disease? This was a major disappointment!

Things to Watch Out For:

So here are some cool, funny, weird things that you can find in The Amityville Horror. If your going to watch this movie, at least watch it for these things alone. Also feel free to rewind and re-watch these scenes over and over for maximum possible enjoyment.

The opening scene where the original family of the house is murdered, I am left to wonder how much blood the people in the world of The Amityville Horror have in them. It doesn’t look like much, because your average shotgun blast in Amityville Horror causes a small splatter of blood as opposed to a meaty bloody fury of gore. The gun inflicted headwounds in this movie were akin to having a blocked penial canal.

However, on that note, there is a cool scene (and the only one at that) where they edit in the footage of the original family being massacred is edited into the scene where the real estate agent is showing the Lutz family around the house. So for each room they go into they show which family members were killed in that room… You know in case we weren’t paying attention at the beginning of the movie when all the mindless carnage was going on. It was really cool, except for the fact you had to gaze upon the beast that is showing them the house. That real estate agent is possibly the most frightening thing in this film.

There is one scene when the family goes out and leaves their youngest daughter with a babysitter. The babysitter (who is of course, a total bitch) gets locks in the closet by Satan and we see her melt into a total spaz and starts banging on the door so bad that her hands start to bleed. She then tries to strangle the kid when the parents come home and let her out. Personally, I would be strangling the kid too, because this child, like apparently any kid in any movie, was down right annoying.

Speaking of annoying kids getting hurt, this movie has another funny scene where the Lutz’s son gets his fingers slammed in a window. Very much worth rewinding over and over.

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		The Amytville Horror A Review by Nick Peron Previous My Smart Ass Comments: I’m going to have to agree with a lot of critics out there and say that this movie is not scary. It’s very long, drawn out, and very very boring. I am also going to go out really far and say that Satan isn’t all that menacing so much as he comes off being that bully at school that dumps your books and give you wedgies (only in house form!) I mean come on, how can anyone be scared of the house? The worst it really did to the family (unless you ignore that whole axe murdering thing, or that the last family were shot to death. Those were pretty evil, I guess.) was steal some money, slam a window on a kids fingers, make a priest vomit, cut some break cables and release a hood of a car, and blow a door off it’s hinges. Kids will be kids, as they say, but in this movie I suppose Satan, will be, Satan. I was very disappointed that at no point in the film did Satan leave a burning bag of dog shit on the lawn, put plastic wrap on the toilet seat, or egg the neighbors house. Another thing I’d like to point out again is that the families complete ignorance towards all this stuff happening. They completely ignored the Devil’s pranks. I could tell this family of numb-nuts a thing or two about dealing with a joker in poor taste, and that’s that you don’t ignore him it only encourages him to one-up it next time. I mean there is only so far you can ignore a practical joker until he tries and convince the man of the house that killing his family with an axe is a perfectly rational idea, you know. No, you want to make sure your little bundle of Bealzabub is nurtured and raised properly the way God intended. Don't scold the child, that would only encourage more anti-social behavior. Use the best tool any loving parent can use on a budding young Mephestophite: Mind games. When your little demonic hellion blows the door off the hinges, don't tell him off, kneel down and say to him "Wow that was pretty impressive my dark master, but I bet you can't knock that door all away over into the Johnsons yard!" See, you're bonding! I am also very disappointed about how the Catholic Church was represented in this film, I mean Satan’s possessed a house and they laugh and say the devil isn’t real? Holy shit (no pun intended), but in real life I’d like to believe that they would go over there, exorcise the house, burn all the copies of The Catcher in the Rye , and then condemn the gay couple next door to the foulest pits of hell on the way back home. Then cook some Captain High-Liner fish sticks because it’s Friday. I mean, where is that one sided ignorance? Where is that panache for preaching hellfire and brimstone? Where's the damnation of Stem-Cell research even though it could be the cure to all human disease? This was a major disappointment! Things to Watch Out For: So here are some cool, funny, weird things that you can find in The Amityville Horror. If your going to watch this movie, at least watch it for these things alone. Also feel free to rewind and re-watch these scenes over and over for maximum possible enjoyment. The opening scene where the original family of the house is murdered, I am left to wonder how much blood the people in the world of The Amityville Horror have in them. It doesn’t look like much, because your average shotgun blast in Amityville Horror causes a small splatter of blood as opposed to a meaty bloody fury of gore. The gun inflicted headwounds in this movie were akin to having a blocked penial canal. However, on that note, there is a cool scene (and the only one at that) where they edit in the footage of the original family being massacred is edited into the scene where the real estate agent is showing the Lutz family around the house. So for each room they go into they show which family members were killed in that room… You know in case we weren’t paying attention at the beginning of the movie when all the mindless carnage was going on. It was really cool, except for the fact you had to gaze upon the beast that is showing them the house. That real estate agent is possibly the most frightening thing in this film. There is one scene when the family goes out and leaves their youngest daughter with a babysitter. The babysitter (who is of course, a total bitch) gets locks in the closet by Satan and we see her melt into a total spaz and starts banging on the door so bad that her hands start to bleed. She then tries to strangle the kid when the parents come home and let her out. Personally, I would be strangling the kid too, because this child, like apparently any kid in any movie, was down right annoying. Speaking of annoying kids getting hurt, this movie has another funny scene where the Lutz’s son gets his fingers slammed in a window. Very much worth rewinding over and over.
		Most Items We Have Reviewed and Commented On Are Available Through Amazon.com. If you want to pick them up for yourself, please don't hesitate to do so through this link below, proceeds on any sales will go towards the operation of this website: