976-Evil

Review by Nick Peron

I have to thank my friend Dan for this one, as he was the person who lent me an old VHS copy of 976-Evil to review for Micro-Shock. Dan has a small eclectic collection of VHS tapes that he has asked me to convert over to DVD for him so he doesn't lose the movies that are on the now degrading VHS video. "Watch this one" he said "It's right up your alley" and hands me a copy of this film along with a copy of Timerider (which will also be later reviewed by myself in our next update.) I also want to dedicate this review to the folks at Night of the Creeps, the grand daddy of internet review sites. These mother fuckers have been on the internet since it's beginning reviewing horror movies for as long as I can remember, and if there are any reviewers out that that I was inspired by, it's these foul mouthed shitheads. Check out their website, it hasn't been updated since 2006, possibly because El Santo, Eagle Te, and General Zod are having a shit schilling tug of war on a menstrual water slide. I fucking miss you guys, update your god damn website.

Anyway.... Some movies you have to watch on VHS, it seems some how better -- more pure -- than a digitally remastered DVD Copy of a film. Rhonda knows this very intimately, and she has a formidable VHS collection to back this up. When the digital revolution came to the world, my dear editor and fellow writer simply scoffed and went back to her trusty analog television set and VHS tape player.

976-Evil is one of the films that has made the transition over to DVD, and at any time I could have purchased a copy of it and reviewed that, but I wanted to do it this way. It felt right.

976-Evil is a movie directed by Robert Englund, and unless you are some primitive man beast drawing paintings in a cave you will note that yes, it is the Robert Englund. The guy who we all know played Freddy Kruger in Wes Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street and it's many many sequels. This was Robert's first directorial part, and you can figure the motivation that the studios had was pretty straight forward, probably went something like this:

"We got this movie about a phone number to hell, who can we get to direct?"

"How about Robert Englund?"

"Who?"

"You know, that Freddy guy."

"Yeah, the guy who played Freddy must be a fucking scary guy let's get his agent on the phone."

Since it was the 1980's when this happened, you can imagine the above scenario with a whole pile of cocaine if you'd like. At any rate, this is one of the few things that Robert has directed. Since then he'd go on to direct a few episodes of the short lived "Freddy's Nightmares" television series in 1989 then stick with acting until he would direct 2008's Killer Pad .

The movie stars Patrick O'Bryan plays the role of Spike, the town bad boy who rides a motorcycle, has a hot blond girlfriend, and plays cards in a movie theatre that shows nothing but horror films. He lives with his overly religious aunt, and his dorky and sheltered cousin Hoax (played by Fright Night 's Stephen Geoffreys) who is a meek push over who wishes he could be as cool as his cousin Spike. Also in this film is a blink and you'll miss it appearance made by Robert Picardo (of "Star Trek Voyager" fame) playing the role of Mark Dark the guy who works the call center where 976-Evil's automated system works out of.

The premise of the film is pretty simple: People come across a card telling them to get their fortune told by Satan and the forces of darkness by calling the phone number 976-Evil. What people don't realize is that he phone number really connects people to hell and that the devil himself is really granting them whatever wish fulfillment they want. Naturally when making a deal with the devil you're going to have to pay up and it usually ends up costing you your life.

When Spike comes across the number he calls it and the devil manages to help him settle up all his debts and pay off his motorcycle. However, Spike ends up abandoning the number and the forces of evil almost try to kill him. As more people who call the number are killed, the police begin investigating the strange happenings and link it to the phone number through Spike's help.

Meanwhile, Hoax has come across the number and is calling it to try and gain what he wants most: to be like Spike. However, when Hoax is handed Spike's girlfriend (played by the smoking hot Lezlie Dean) however, their impromptu date is ruined when his high school tormentors (people whom Spike hangs around with) give him a rough time and reveal that he has a pair of her underwear (pilfered from Spike's room) on him, causing her to leave in disgust, figuring him to be a male pig like everyone else.

Furious, Hoax would use the advice of the 976-Evil phone number to create Satanic spells and try and get revenge against everyone who did him wrong. Killing the girl and all his tormentors, when Spike confronts his cousin he finds that Hoax has been possessed and has transformed into a demonic being who tries to kill him also. During their fight, Hoax uses his magic to crack open the Earth, opening a portal to hell itself. Spike manages to appeal to Hoax's good side, bringing it to the surface long enough for Spike to push Hoax into the pit ending his evil once and for all.

The movie itself is a fun little picture, it is by no means high art and the horror gimmick is very very corny. The horror is nothing more than a gimmick to provide the movies intended course. The movie is about being accepted by your peers as is evident of the struggle that Hoax has in achieving a status he believes to be more preferential than his current situation. He sits meekly watching Spike and envying his rebel life style, his tough take-no-shit-from-nobody attitude, the motorcycle and girlfriend and envy's him. It's also very fitting the fact that someone who would suffer envy (one of the seven deadly sins according to the Bible) would be easily manipulated by the forces of Hell to cause havoc on Earth.

It also a story about how giving absolute power to someone who is bent on revenge will ultimately end up destroying themselves as well. Hoax becoming completely possessed by the Devil and almost killing his cousin -- the one true person who ever treated him well and looked out for him. In the end Spike has to make the hard decision of killing his cousin who has gone mad with power.

The visuals in the is film are also very well done, Englund as a director at least knows how to have a scene come together. There is a great opening bit where a man in a business suit is fleeing from a barrage of ringing phones. Everywhere he goes it seems there is a phone ringing, bidding him to answer the line. He eventually stumbles down a dead end alley way, and finds himself face to face with a phone booth. Finally surrendering, he answer it and it's the Devil coming to collect what is his. Suddenly the phone booth explodes and the man's burning corpse is sent flying off camera. In spite of the fact that it's very difficult to believe that a city would have such poor planning as to put a phone booth at the end of a dead end alley (gee, why didn't they also include restraints to help out any potential mugger or rapist a little more, eh?) the scene is very nicely executed. There is this great shot in the scene where the man is walking down the alleyway. The camera is filming a Point of View shot from the end of the alleyway, the man is walking towards the camera, and the scene is lit like there is a bright spot light behind him. The light at the end of the tunnel and the guy is going the wrong fucking way. That's a "Let's go die" moment if I ever saw one.

I also have to commend the performance of Stephen Geoffreys, who plays a very believable awkward teenager. He had the role of Hoax down to a T, and he is the person to be watching for in this movie. He's so perfectly dorky in every way, from eating candy bars while gawking at the naked women in National Geographic to whipping out on his scooter, if you're going to watch this movie for anything, watch it for Geoffreys' character.

976-Evil is by no means a stellar film, it's pure 80's cheese, but it will instantly become a guilty pleasure for any horror fan who can devote the time to watch it. 976-Evil eventually spawned a sequel, which has been panned on the internet as being a pile of crap. Perhaps, it too will see a review right here on Micro-Shock, soon as we can track a copy down. Until next time, be careful who you call and remember that all long distance and telephone charges apply.