50 Chilling Classics: DVD Box Set Review (Part 6 of 6)
Review by Rhonda Baughman
Read Part 5
The Final Fucking Countdown
Remind my webmaster and I not to review horror box sets ever again. If you have to ask why, you’ve not been following my progression through the annals (anals, really) of my beloved box set (nickname: Burnie), nor have you been paying attention to the fact I have grown increasingly paranoid and frighteningly disjointed. I should be thankful though, as I have a new appreciation for all the important films in the world, and for any film I make in the future: none of them are forgettable as 66.6% of this set. Of the few rare gems allocated, I will keep the set just for them – but all movies in a gigantic box set now have a three minutes to grab my attention, and if it can’t, then I start fast-forwarding to find the good stuff, if any, to report to my Gentle Reader.
Hands of a Stranger
(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 2/5
Editing: 2/5
Story/Characterization: 3/5
Pacing: 3/5
Overall Execution: 10/20
We know this film today as Idle Hands and a famous short story I read once ten years ago and have been looking for ever since - it was a great story, too: while a man sleeps his hands move, bicker, and plot against him. So, of course it was brilliant and of course I cannot remember it. If I had to guess, like gun to my head guess, I think it was written by Clive Barker and from a book of blood.
As far as this film goes, however – for a b/w thriller, the opening is good, the pacing is decent, and if you give yourself a chance, you can be drawn into the story of a pianist who loses his hands – and of course, gets naughty hands implanted in their place …
Highlights: the fortune cookie resolution, occasionally surreal image, and the creepy clown coming from nowhere to actually make me jump. Cute.
Best line uttered during the movie: I don’t need your beauty; I need your help. My viewing companion said: Do you think Milli or Vanilli said the same thing onstage when the record skipped?
Gothic
(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 4/5
Editing: 4/5
Story/Characterization: 5/5
Pacing: 3/5
Overall Execution: 16/20
Obviously, the late Natasha Richardson would be here with me doing an interview had it been possible, but this tiny review on the lovely actress’ behalf, will have to suffice. And I would have loved to have interviewed her after watching this film.
Directed by Ken Russell, music by Thomas Dolby, starring Julian Sands and Gabriel Byrne, alongside Richardson, and containing a premise involving Mary Shelley, there is no mistaking this film for one of the rest on this box set. Not a chance.
All I have to say is this – I need to have a dinner party like the one in this film – and on this box set this film ties for top spot alongside Messiah of Evil. Thankfully my twenty dollars for this set was not wasted.
Man in the Attic
(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 3/5
Editing: 3/5
Story/Characterization: 3/5
Pacing: 3/5
Overall Execution: 12/20
Charming period piece (made in the early fifties) surrounding the hysteria of Jack of the Ripper – starring Jack Palance. I liked it. But you do have to be in the mood for a deliberate-paced b/w film. I recommend a smoking jacket and a brandy to accompany this film …
The Demon
(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 1/5
Editing: 1/5
Story/Characterization: 2/5
Pacing: 1/5
Overall Execution: 5/20
Giant snooze-fest that could have been so much better – a cop with psychic abilities tries to locate a mad stalker. Not bad – just bloody boring and nonsensical. If I had psychic abilities, Om Om Om, Nom Nom Nom, I would have known to stay away from this one. And yes, my inner psychic sounds like she is both in touch with the universe and hungry – so what? Side note: there are boobies and a disco scene in this film, and they are not related. The ending makes zero sense. The writer, director, and producer are the same guy – never a good sign. You’ve been warned.
Disc 10
Shock
(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 2/5
Editing: 3/5
Story/Characterization: 3/5
Pacing: 3/5
Overall Execution: 11/20
I miss the days of film when an actor’s voice was so unique as to be immediately recognizable. Vincent Price had that voice: intimately dark and forebodingly sexual. You just to wrap your legs around the sound and grind.
A not bad little b/w sleeper that would have made a young Hitchcock proud – and me, too. At seventy minutes I can handle the run time – and longer and this piece would have failed. I recommend rolling around naked on the smoking jacket mentioned in a previous review – and another snifter of brandy.
Track of the Moon Beast
(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 1/5
Editing: 2/5
Story/Characterization: 3/5
Pacing: 1/5
Overall Execution: 7/20
Again, another film that would have had potential had it been 30 minutes shorter, but even then it would have just been a ho-hum short. The moony monster is cute, but overshadowed by the much cooler Revenge of Doctor X monster on this box set. However, the way-too-serious-for-it’s-own-good zoom in sequence on a framed T-Rex sketch the producer’s k(id) probably drew was worth waiting for ….
The Ghost
(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 2/5
Editing: 2/5
Story/Characterization: 2/5
Pacing: 2/5
Overall Execution: 8/20
A love/hate triangle actually showing the ugly spectrum of human emotions.
Dammit!
And a perfectly good thriller ruined, fucking ruined, by the lead character spelling out the dynamics of plot at the end. I may as well have been provided with an illustrated program and subtitles.
Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter
(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 0/5
Editing: 0/5
Story/Characterization: 0/5
Pacing: 0/5
Overall Execution: 0/20
Maybe of this were remade with Edward Norton as Jesse James – I might think of watching it. I know this is a spectacular series for some: but for goofy and offbeat cinematic masturbation, I would rather watch the Harry Knuckles series.
Zeroes across the board for this film – it’s blisteringly meandering and boring as fuck – even at FF5.
(*Writer’s note: It has been brought to me attention there is a sequel, or twin of sorts, to this box set – another set of fifty films awaiting revival, as all corpses must. I have to wonder if this is Micro-Shock’s job.)
Dr. T's Torture Dungeon
Music 3/5
Costumes 4/5
Atmosphere 4/5
I. Ahhh ... someone had to have been watching a little Peter Greenaway before shooting this film, or at the very least, a little Caligula & Cinderella 2000 soft porn. A not so-often-read Poe story, but not a bad one, truly: inmates run the asylum, while those in command toil away amongst the unwashed administrative masses. I sometimes envision just this scenario for my own corporate environ. (But the question is: am I an inmate in charge or am I one of the imprisoned staff? - And then I think - what is the difference?)
I did enjoy the opening sequence, vaguely foreshadowing music video techniques of the 90'sm - and some memorable, bumper-sticker worthy dialogue punctuated the slow pacing:
Mentally deranged people terrify me
I've seen enough to last me a lifetime
Uncover the secret that lies under the celery
Enough of this melodramatic foolishness
More sadistic members of the viewing audience might enjoy the implied rape scene, while epicureans might appreciate the nude woman amongst the grapes. Also highly recommended you stay in attendance for: the ventriloquist dummy head and the faux orgy. For even more fun, mute the film and watch the surreal imagery roll by ... although, it would be helpful if a symbol would appear at the bottom of the screen, indicating when the cool circus music was used. Pay close attention or you'll miss the Siouxsie Sioux reminiscent character, seen only during an Ali Baba inspired dance scene, and wearing intricate Plaster of Paris headgear. And finally, I now there is a specific scene in this film foreshadowing, perhaps inspiring, and definitely calling upon Prince's Batdance. Then again, maybe this film borrowed nothing and foreshadowed everything. This film could be a goddamn crystal ball - one that does come full circle - and a future edition of The Cult Film Reader could include a chapter on "Little Films Depicting Madness" and indicate as such. I was pleasantly surprised.
II. The forest footage reminded me of Dark Wind Woods (https://www.createspace.com/Store/ShowEStore.jsp?id=224446 & http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sE0vB7SsRdQ&feature=related) the not so bad direct to video short from backwoods filmmakers in Ohio (isn't that what all cultured Ohioans aim to do?), OR the footage even more so reminded me of the notorious live Ohio Halloween attraction which had survived for 5 year before the proprietor found Jesus. And who knows? Maybe this was made the damn attraction so scary for those lucky enough to see it. Having worked at it for three of the five years - I saw grown men cry and push girlfriends out of the way to get the fuck out of the woodsy enclave. There will never be another Ohio attraction as terrifying as DWW - although Tom Savini's school/student run Halloween attraction in Monassen, PA did come close - very, very close ... The film also struck a chord, Poe-esque and lonely, considering it reminded me of the abandoned footage to the yet unreleased Windslow Asylum, a follow-up of sorts to DWW. My very own Rachelle Williams is cobbling together the footage of release to MicroShock, as she only believes in waste in certain circumstances.
The Bloody Brood
Dig the Scene
Intro 4.5/5 -
Music 4/5
Young Peter Falk 5/5
Dialogue 5/5
Let me not mince, puree, or otherwise bollocks up my words: This is the best film on the box set. This is how I want to remember Peter Falk: young, brooding, and not bad looking. And I now understand I think he has always had a glass eye. Does this detract from his aura? Not even close. Does it add to his hardcore nature? You bet.
Every movie past 1959 has borrowed heavily from this badass introduction, too - let me also be blunt, although we have added contemporary beats and flash.
I fell in love with this film - especially the decadent party scenes, where if I am not mistaken, the revelers are drinking absinthe. The dialogue is priceless, and (no sarcasm) is by far the peak of cinematic verbiage. Fuck Reefer Madness, here is a real film about drugs (and oooooo - watch the shadows during the party; it's almost like I *was* drinking absinthe) indeed a subtitle for this film could be To Have and Have Not, the Factory Girl is In a Lonely Place. Three of my favorite big-budget films of all time - and this movie comes in right behind them.
Then again, another subtitle could easily be Why I Will Not Eat Another Hamburger- and it has nothing to do with PETA for once. This film also reminds me (and yes, I am projecting) of Death of a Salesman, Frank's World, Preacher comics, and the excesses of education. The spouts and spurts of poetry also give a big head nod to Hamlet. How could you not love this film? Only if you have no soul. Speaking of soulessness, The Bloody Brood provides solid commentary on the futility and baselessness of capitalism - and if the film doesn't prove it to you, go view an autopsy. And if that doesn't work: you deserve what you have coming.
House of the Dead
The year on this film is somewhere between '78 and '80 ... and while I had high hopes after reading the box cover summary of this film, I thought surely - House of the Dead had to be a dud. The previous two films were amazing and um, wasn't there a shitty videogame and a shittier film of the same name released a decade ago?
Ahhh - yes, but I do love the element of surprise.
House of the Dead is what Tales from the Crypt/Darkside/Hood wanted to be. And although, you can guess the ending of this film within the first eight minutes, it does not detract from the overall fun. And in cases of sure wins, I always bet - heavy and hard eight.
Or this case: hard 69.
The film contains four individual stories interwoven throughout the whole - and the first story only makes one mistake: the removal of masks. They should have been left on - and had they been, I would have slept with my Walther PPK/S next to me. Really. Story two made me laugh out loud - and while tv's Dexter is neat-o sociopathic fun ... it's not as fun as this story. Any fetish video I may complete needs to be this damn good. Story three is obviously the job I have always wanted and will never have - and will most likely turn me into the sociopath from story two - so really, I'm okay with that - and I would call the field of specialty if it were mine: Highlander Criminology. And I would not be shocked if this particular story were not derived from a play. And finally, story four - how very Cube, how very The Game. And as much as I would love to create the academically sound nature of this skit, discussing intricacies such as humanity, compassion, fidelity, respect, and social responsibility - really, why? I won a bet and had an orgasm to obtain.
Slashed Dreams
The intro vaguely reminiscent of an after school special or educational/instructional video. While the film is good, it is also infuriating - which is why it is good. Actually because the film is not good, but for the fact it infuriated the fuck outta me - it still stands as a strong member of the memorable disc 11. I do recommend calling in one of your bestest and most humorous friends - and making him/her give running commentary - this film will be funnier. Especially since, if you're a Robert Englund fan, this is not the jones for you - he's on screen for maybe 15 minutes as some granola-eater. Even if the film is too slow for you - try to make it to the poolside strip scene - let's just say there are Mouse ears involved. While the film does boil down to a cautionary tale (more 'don't go into the woods alone' yak, and 'please pay attention to all portents') - my tale is this: load your damn weapons and don't bother to holster them if you're in swamp country. If you see spooky rednecks, lock and load - especially if they do not respond to your initial command of "Halt!" Slashed dreams - of course, could be construed as some metaphor for rape, which does occur in the film. No one fights back the unarmed assailants - and when they do, it's a pretty wimpy stage attack. Um, if the above lock and load scenarios do not work, or you cannot access your weapon in time, might I recommend a throat punch and eyeball gouge? Du-uh.
Disc 12
A Bucket of Blood
(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 3/5
Editing: 3/5
Story/Characterization: 3/5
Pacing: 2/5
Overall Execution: 11/20
After a recent jaunt to the Big Apple, nothing will be able to move fast enough for me. There might be a few instances where moving slowly is of the utmost importance – but in this film, pacing needed to be picked up a bit for maximum effect. This is a Corman classic – and it might just be me, but who, really, could resist a young Dick Miller? Always the grizzled old cop or drunk, in two of my favorites, Far from Home and Demon Knight, respectively, he is the highlight of this black and white creepfest.
Horrors of Spider Island
(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 3/5
Editing: 2/5
Story/Characterization: 1/5
Pacing: 1/5
Overall Execution: 7/20
Do you really care when jackass type stunt daredevils, whose famous last words might be Dude, watch this!, slam to a viewer laugh-hysterical death? Likewise, could you care if a plane full of vapid and superfluous models and dancers plummet into the ocean – only to make it via life raft to an island to check makeup, adjust high heels, flirt with island cock, and shimmy and shake even after they find the island is inhabited by evil spiders. I say a universal chorus of a resounding no to all of the above.
But … what can you care about in this movie then?
I do have your answer.
The spider.
The evil spider is so damned adorable – it might rival the other cute monsters on this box set. Evil spider has big, luminous black eyes, cranky fuzzy parts that occasionally shudder in anger when others do not understand nor respect his unholy presence, and in a shot I had to rewind twice to view: he raises some sort of paw in warning when the stupid humans pass by him unnoticed. I do believe if he could have spoken it would have been in a slight lisp of a Russian accent, and said, “Zee humanz will suffer! Suffer ze wrath of ze evile Spyder Empire!”
So really, just fast forward to the spider.
The Legend of Bigfoot
(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 0/5
Editing: 0/5
Story/Characterization: 0/5
Pacing: 0/5
Overall Execution: 0/20
Quite possibly the lowest rating on this set and I even debated about negative number usage. True, I am at the marathon’s end of reviewing this stuff AND I really am sick of hearing about Bigfoot, but this is a G-rated monotone and pretentious narration mishmash of half Travel Channel and half “This Week on Nature’s Most Tedious Moments” is just impossible to sit through. It’s so bad, everyone left the room to pace, to use the bathroom at least three times each, checked cell phones, got drink refills, clock watched, and generally glared at me while the film was in progress. I have seen better student films at the 10th grade level. Truly.
The Devil’s Hand
(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 3/5
Editing: 2/5
Story/Characterization: 3/5
Pacing: 3/5
Overall Execution: 11/20
By this point, I have had my fill of black and white kitschy thrillers, although this one isn’t so bad – and the dialogue us certainly better than average. One viewing audience member suggested he should have been high while watching this particular film – and this isn’t a guy who often says things of this nature – so I might have to agree. He recommends the good stuff, too – the dirt weed will not do this film justice.
I Bury the Living
(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 2/5
Editing: 2/5
Story/Characterization: 4/5
Pacing: 2/5
Overall Execution: 10/20
See above regarding my mental state and black and white films. And while a nifty little cemetery sojourn – this film sorely needs an update/remake. So, if some flashy director can take his cock out of his own mouth for a few moments – will one of them please remake this film?
Drive-in Massacre
(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 2/5
Editing: 2/5
Story/Characterization: 4/5
Pacing: 1/5
Overall Execution: 9/20
I wanted to end this box set with a bang, not a whimper – dammit. Another film in desperate need of a remake, and while there are great moments and fun effects, seriously – this film needed to be chopped by at least a half an hour. In order to cheer myself up after the end of this saga, I watched 9 Songs. Even with a doctorate, sometimes I’m not so bright.
Epilogue:
It’s time to get back to what I do best – and in some cases this is not strictly related to the art of boffing while reviewing – although I might need to bone up (ha-ha, get it? Bone up?) on this particular skill. Not enough time in the day for enough of this skill set. But no, I do mean interviewing, singular reviews, and of course, the Peron/Baughman style of video reviews, preferably in more moving cars, and this time … from Ottawa. Immediately following the end of the mega review, that is the accumulation of DVDs to review and box set encompassing numerous DVDs, reminded me of something: how un-alive they feel. I know it sounds odd, but DVDs feel so … cold: like CDs vs. vinyl, and those in my know, understand I prefer vinyl. It’s warm and inviting.
After the DVD marathon, I popped in my just arrived copy of Galactic Gigolo and I think I know why it was so difficult to review the box set, even though some of the films were good and I enjoy writing. But it’s almost as if I was reviewing something less than what I could be reviewing. The VHS copy of Galactic Gigolo had feeling – had history and weight: there were stickers and markings, codes and hieroglyphics of the video store where it lived. After five minutes of watching, I immediately thought: whatever happened to writer and star Carmen Capobianco; could I interview him? And it was as if a switch was thrown – and I was back and having fun reviewing again. This means something although I am unsure what, but at least I left my comfort zone, traveled to DVD land or vacation and now I am glad to be back. The world, my world anyway, only feels right when I am surrounded by VHS - who beckon and pulsate, tremble and skip and only stand by and watch approvingly as I net stalk Capobianco.
