50 Chilling Classics: DVD Box Set Review (Part 5 of 6)

Review by Rhonda Baughman

Read Part 4

What is the similarity between a cigarette and a vagina? The taste changes as you near the butt. This is what I think, actually, of discs 5 and 6 – mostly butt. Boring butt, too – not the juicy young 19 year old boy butt of my current chosen paramour.

Disc 5

The Witches’ Mountain

(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 1/5
Editing: 0/5
Story/Characterization: 0/5
Pacing: 0/5
Overall Execution: 1/20

Convoluted nonsense about heaven only knows what … something involving a spooky castle, photography, witches, inane dialogue, uninteresting people, and a man with googly eyes. I tried twice to watch this seriously and my patience gave out. I read an anthology of dark erotic horror called Embraces, edited by Paula Guran, to get through this movie …

Deep Red

(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 3/5
Editing: 3/5
Story/Characterization: 3/5
Pacing: 3/5
Overall Execution: 12/20

I was almost embarrassed to admit I had yet to see this Argento classic – and according to my viewing companion, the film holds up over the test of time. As a classic who is doing what to whom and why – and wait, who cares, ‘cuz this is cool, Dario escapade …. And he remains the only Italian who reminds me of brilliant and deviant filmmaking as opposed to pasta. Highly recommended while cuddling on a couch with a loved one who allows you to fondle him gently during all gory parts. This film also left me with the insane desire to play Goblin music at 3am just to piss off my neighbors who listen to nothing but droning contemporary R&B, which is nothing more than a bastardization of what the genre should have been.

The Revenge of Doctor X

(Music)Score/Atmosphere: 0/5
Editing: 0/5
Story/Characterization: 2/5
Pacing: 0/5
SPECIAL CATEGORY: MONSTER: 5/5
Overall Execution: 7/20

A doctor tries to determine the evolution of man. All I can say is: who cares!? Just fast forward to the evil man-eating, puppy coveting plant monster. 5 out of fucking 5 only for the monster – who I suspect is a man wobbling around in a garbage bag green rubber suit, with boxing gloves made to look like toothy vaginas on his hands, and what I assume is straw and pipe cleaners for hair protruding from his head. A cast member tries to feed the plant monster a goat. I want to meet the man who portrayed the plant monster – and I want the rubber plant suit in my living room like I also want the rubber puppet Uncle Impy from Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama - they both belong in my bedroom.

Bad Taste

Score/Atmosphere: 2.5/5
Editing: 3/5
Story/Characterization: 4/5
Pacing: 3/5
Overall Execution: 12.5/20

The best flick on this disc, by far … and great memories for me. Before Peter Jackson was diddling around with rings – this guy had a dark agenda – and it involved grossing me out, not once, but twice.
I can fondly remember renting this video from a real mom and pop video store in the late eighties, very early nineties and now the poster hangs framed in my living room: fitting homage to my wayward youth. Also this rental process is the first time I would understand why men were staring at me: coincidence? Probably not, I now think as I recall two young gents following me out to stumble and stare as I got in the car, clutching my VHS prize the car, while my mom shook her head, wondering about my bad taste, I’m sure, and the gents went home to clutch their prizes.
While eating a TV dinner, I would see the vomit and subsequent cult like ingestion of barfy fluid. My gag reflex would kick into hyper-drive and I would not eat a TV dinner for ten years. (When I would try to eat one again, what do you know? someone pops in Pink Flamingos and says, “Hey, watch this!” as Divine eats poop. I have never touched a TV dinner again.) So, I think – that was almost twenty years ago, there is no way, NO WAY I could still get sick now. Wrong. Really wrong. Dead wrong. So really goddamn dead wrong. I last five second during the vomit scene, leave the room to get water, shakily asking my viewing companion if it was over yet ….
And my viewing companion, laughing – as only his generation can do: a Generation Negative Z (-Z), not even born when this film was first released … laughing and mocking my non-cast iron stomach … it’s not even a no-stick kind of tummy, anymore, I think sadly …

A Passenger to Bali

Score/Atmosphere: 0/5
Editing: 0/5
Story/Characterization: 1/5
Pacing: 0/5
Overall Execution: 1/20

I’m sure this was brilliant when it was a radio program. As it stands – it should have stayed a radio program, as I have no clue why it was adapted for film. Slow and boring doesn’t begin to tell the tale of something awry on a ship to Bali. I find it really neat that this program won a zillion awards: further proof taste really is relative. Suggestion: skip the film and watch the surreal commercials that puncture the tedium of the show – the hawked wares really are something …. And I found myself wanting them … needing them … and ready to kill for purchase.

Devil Times Five

Score/Atmosphere: 2/5
Editing: 2/5
Story/Characterization: 3/5
Pacing: 0/5
Overall Execution: 7/20

Definitely in need of a remake and easily could have been a contender in its time had someone tried to make this a decent production. Leif Garrett is underused, yet I suspect this film would spawn the genius that became Funny Games and The Strangers – for those, some very serious thought and creation went into the making of … for Devil Times Five (or as I call it: My Name is Leif: How the Mob Met Their Worst Nightmare) obviously someone had a brilliant thought and just did not know how to execute it, thought maybe one weekend would cover the shoot. I see this quite a bit. Everywhere, now that I think of it.

Funeral Home

Score/Atmosphere: 0/5
Editing: 1/5
Story/Characterization: 1/5
Pacing: 1/5
Overall Execution: 3/20

This is the point where I realized the proprietors of box set companies buy the rights to, mmm, maybe two or three great films and the other 47 in the set might be filler ….
Funeral Home is filler.
Filler with a stupid ending, too – and one any seven year old could have guessed within ten minutes.
Final analysis: in dire need of remake, code red, stat blue, terror level pink – someone, anyone, go to it.

Lady Frankenstein

Score/Atmosphere: 0/5
Editing: 1/5
Story/Characterization: 1/5
Pacing: 1/5
Overall Execution: 3/20

Again, so boring I cold barely keep my eyes open. After the end of this disc, I started to feel very disconnected, like I wasn’t even watching movies anymore – like these were something else. And if we lined up all of the movies that were as shitty as this one is, and I do mean line up Hands Across America style, we could circle the globe – several times: a suicide club dictum if I’ve ever heard one. The end scene of this entity could have been hot, and would have been, had I shot it. Humble is not my middle name after this dreck.

Silent Night, Bloody Night

Score/Atmosphere: 2/5
Editing: 2/5
Story/Characterization: 2/5
Pacing: 1/5
Overall Execution: 7/20

Perhaps an easier route of assessment would have been to compare each film to a cocktail mixture of narcotics. This one has a hint of morphine derivative laced with sugar …
It’s not a bad film, actually – but like many films of his era (and apparently, on this box set) the pacing is so fucking awful, so hysterically long and drawn out, I’ve actually had difficult college courses that were easier to take than some of these flicks.
Silent Night, Bloody Night, with a proper remake (or perhaps had it been made in the 80’s) could have been another contender (see above: Garrett, Leif). The film should have begun with the fire and ended with the Candy Darling dinner scene – fine, but please – save me the awful voiceover narration and bad poetic rambling of a regret-filled mind. Some decently creepy scenes and claustrophobic atmosphere make this film worth the look and although this particular transfer of the film was not high, it was fun occasionally to watch the snow, the cigarette burns, skips, and what appeared to be rays of light dancing like baby wriggly worms.
While the less interesting parts played, I read excerpts of George Mangels’ Frank’s World genius book, really – and quite funny, if you get the joke.

Panic

Score/Atmosphere: 0/5
Editing: 0/5
Story/Characterization: 0/5
Pacing: 0/5
Overall Execution: 0/20

Pure Ambien, with a tequila hangover, and less exciting than waxing a back – which I did while watching this drawn-out Italian twaddle about a monster that looks like a meatball. Ugh – FF4.

Messiah of Evil

Score/Atmosphere: 4/5
Editing: 4/5
Story/Characterization: 4/5
Pacing: 4/5
Overall Execution: 16/20

Well, well, well – here’s a hidden gem – even though this might be a propaganda film about the evils of California, and definitely some serious product placement for Mobil, I do love the opening. It’s not quite the opening to 1999’s Nowhere To Hide (directed by Lee Myung-se), but both films should be used for any serious student or connoisseur who understands the necessity of … the hook.
You will note this has the highest rating of any film thus far reviewed on the box set. High scores across the board – this will be the one to beat: the three-step, roundhouse, back handspring, back walkover, back tuck – smile on the face – no fast forward: just a solidly good film I never saw coming. Loved the fact all characters were likable in some sense; too bad most films forget this important factor.

The Blancheville Monster

Score/Atmosphere: 1/5
Editing: 1/5
Story/Characterization: 1/5
Pacing: 0/5
Overall Execution: 3/20

It’s hard to believe that ten years from the date of this piece of cardboard, this slow-paced gobbledy-gook gothic creation – a little film called The Texas Chainsaw Massacre would appear to save us. I don’t know how it happened, or how we got to that film – I’m just grateful it appeared.
This film beats nothing. And it made me so tired, lost all will and strength to beat off anything, in any use/sense/senseless use of the word. The title, with its proper idea of the word “blanch”, says it all. A surefire loser following Messiah of Evil anyway, especially when someone says: Did you hear that scream? Why yes I did – but it was probably just a dog.

Who cares what’s screaming? It’s screaming for a reason – so get the fuck out.

This movie definitely channeled memories of filming Dark Wind Woods. And that film beats this one. Run. Gah – FF3. But even then, it’s difficult to watch.

Disc 8

Cathy’s Curse

Score/Atmosphere: 0/5
Editing: 0/5
Story/Characterization: 1/5
Pacing: 0/5
Overall Execution: 1/20

At least a third of these films were shot years before their actual release date – and I’m not sure why some of them ever were released.
Possession film – and both Regan and Carol Anne would come along and steal any thunder little Cathy could have ever generated and their curses would be much, much worse. FF3.

The Alpha Incident

Score/Atmosphere: 1/5
Editing: 1/5
Story/Characterization: 2/5
Editing: 1/5
Overall Execution: 5/20

One redeeming quality: George “Buck” Flower is in this film.
While watching this forgettable film, I read the IMDB information on Heather O’Rourke, since I thought of her while watching Cathy’s Curse – and while informative, it was depressing. Moved on to read Dominique Dunne’s bio, which was just as depressing – figured I may as well begin to read a death studies textbook I had on my shelf and contemplate the bizarre Michael Hutchence inspired demise of David Carradine - then took a break, decided not to commit suicide, and instead tried to watch the film below.

The Demons of Ludlow

Score/Atmosphere: 3/5
Editing: 2/5
Story/Characterization: 2/5
Pacing: 1/5
Overall Execution: 8/20

As previously stated – my life does occasionally revolve around a good hook – if the piece of art or human does not have one – I cannot be bothered to help create one.
This film has a great score – a woman in the beginning with a great ass – and I do mean quite an excellent rump (I am a rump expert, fyi), but what kept the hook from hooking? The stupid close-ups and ridiculous amount of camera time dedicated to the git-fiddle, string-pickin’ ho down group … sweet fuck, I live in Ohio – if I wanted to see this I would just head over to the annual Jamboree in the Hills … or go call my ex, so I can suffer through another Phish concert ….
One highlight: great shirt ripping breast scene.

The Cold

Score/Atmosphere: 1/5
Editing: 1/5
Story/Characterization: 0/5
Pacing: 0/5
Overall Execution: 2/20

In my realm, this film is a hybrid of several things: The Westing Game, The Haunting of Hill House, And Then There Were None, April Fool’s Day, House on Haunted Hill – I get it, I get it. Face darkest fear, win money, and usually there is a spooky house and someone who wants revenge involved, possibly both. Fuck, I think even I wrote a story about this in 7th grade and won some trophy for it. In other words, this has been done – let’s move on. Or – better idea – let’s do it right next time. Highly unlikable, unwatchable, not even funny in a bad way film, but if you do come across this turd, FF to the toilet puppet.

Read Part 6