M4F-NSA

Chickengnosis

By Joshua Dobson

Greetings and Salutations,

I need your help. It is a matter of life and death!

Recently, while on an ill-fated expedition to buy a factory irregular glass eye at an outlet mall in a neighboring state, I stopped at one of those chicken restaurants you can see from the highway. I knew it was a risk, but I was young and foolhardy; I thought I was invincible.

I was served some undercooked, tainted chicken. I now find myself infected with a rare, tropical disease called Chickengnosis. It is an extremely rare, mutated form of Chinese Bird Flu Fever Pox. My body is slowly transmogrifying into an egg-like form. My body is unable to retain heat. All of the heat in my body escapes through my head. Hats are useless! The psychic tree surgeons from the special clinic in Guyana say there is no cure, but I can continue to cling to life . . . if . . . I enlist the aid of a noble, altruistic, gorgeous woman like you, who will help a poor sick dying man by sitting on his face for several hours, thus helping me to retain my head-heat. You look like a genuinely kind person. You have an honest face. Please help me. Please sit on my face for several hours. It is my only hope for a future! There is not much time!

The act of typing has made me weak. I fear I must now return to my iron lung for a nap.

Thanking You For Your Help In Advance,

J.D.