The Top 10 Lamest Transformer Comics (Ever)

A Commentary By Nick Peron

Even at the risk of my continued sex life, I openly admit that I am a big Transformers fan. Have been since I was a kid. However, I'm not one of those insane fans that rushes out and buys every action figure even when it's only a repaint of a toy released the year before, or legally change my name to Optimus Prime. Most long time Transformers fans are fucking nuts. Bat-shit insane. Especially if they love Generation 1. Generation 1 my friends, is the original Transformers that were released between 1984 and 1989.

For whatever reasons, these old time fans think that when it comes to Transformers, Generation 1 is the best. It's apparently flawless, and nothing else can compare to it. They will rip on and hate just about anything that doesn't measure up to their beloved Generation 1. The most recent bit of the franchise to go up on the chopping block was the recent summer blockbuster Transformers movie by Michael Bay, and you can bet that they've been ripping on Transformers: Animated since word came out that they were going to make the series.

I attribute this to something I like to call the "Furman Event", what is the Furman Event and what did it do you ask? You see boys and girls it's like this: Once upon a time there was a writer named Simon Furman who worked for the UK division of Marvel Comics. He was a small time writer who hoped to write great stories, but was often stuck writing filler stories for franchise books. The seed was planted when he started writing filler stories for Marvel's old Transformers comic. See back then in the UK, comic books were published on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. When Marvel expanded their publishing to the UK, they were able to meet these demands because they had some 20 years worth of comics they could reprint on a weekly basis. When it came to new titles like Transformers, that's where there was a problem. Even when they split each monthly US story into two parts there wasn't enough material to meet the demand. A group of Marvel UK writers and artists, Furman being one of them would take up duty writing filler stories for the popular title. These stories would expand on what was already being published in the US. Eventually Furman gained enough notoriety for making a comic book about selling toy robots into an interesting book, he was asked to carry on the US plot after the original writer, Bob Budiansky left. And this moment, this moment, my friends is what started what I call the "Furman Event". See at this keen moment - thanks to Furman's excellent writing skills - Generation 1 fans became smug assholes. Kind of like the jerk-offs you meet that own Hybrid cars.

Generation 1 fans have their heads so far up their asses, they are unable to look at anything new to come out with objectivity and complain that it's not as "great" as Generation 1. For example, Beast Machines, possibly one of the best written Transformers series ever, is called a pile of shit by the fan community and that it "ruined Transformers", not because of the wicked story, but because it featured a minor plot thread about making Cybertron organic instead of being half hour cartoon episodes where robots who turn into cars and jets with bad aim shoot at each other for about 10 minutes around a flaky plot. I remember one douche bag in particular that wrote a review about Transformers: Armada (granted it was a crappy show for a number of reasons), who didn't bother really watching it, instead went on to say that whenever it aired on Cartoon Network he'd play one of his Generation 1 DVD's and pretend that was airing on Cartoon Network instead. Yes, you read that right: He'd watch an old cartoon and pretend it was airing on television when it's most recent incarnation aired.

What sort of ignorant motherfucker goes through all that just to avoid watching something new? It's the level of denial one would use in conjunction with the concept of your parents having sex (which, for the sake of high-brow comedic writing, I'm going to have to say that this guy probably thinks about his parents having sex all the time.) I swear, Transfans (and Transfats their over weight counterparts) are worse than Trekkies.

With all this insanity about Generation 1, I have only one thing to say: Generation 1 sucks.

There. I said it.

Generation 1 is not a flawless jewel beyond criticism, it's not the "Stairway to Heaven" of 80's toy franchises. It was just as horrible and stupid as it's successors. It had it's flaws, and it had more than it's fair share of awful awful stories. The argument that since it was the first series is inexcusable. On top of that, each comic book or cartoon was one big fucking toy commercial. It deserves scrutiny! Fuck.

Anyway, to hopefully convince those of you out there of what I'm talking about, I present to you my very own top ten list of the worst Transformers comics that were ever published in the 80's. If this doesn't convince you, you can bet I'm doing a follow up on the top 10 worst cartoon episodes as well.

You'll notice that this list is in chronological order, this isn't just because it makes reading these reviews easier, but because the comic literally got worse with each issue!

10.) Transformers #3 - Prisoner of War!

Setting the Scene : Okay, so get this... In the last two issues we meet the Autobots (The good guys) and the Decepticons (the bad guys) crash land on Earth and are rebuilt to transform into Earth vehicles. The Decepticons determine they need some way to convert Earth's energy sources into fuel that they can use. To do so, the Decepticons kidnap Sparkplug Wittwicky, the mechanic father of the Autobots new friend Buster.

So what's the Deal with this issue: Naturally with the father of the token human character kidnapped by the bad guys the Autobots decide that it's high time to go to the Decepticons base, kick some ass and save the damsel... er, mechanic in distress. Things don't go so well. Y'see there were some complications. Namely, when the Decepticons were busy gathering material for Sparkplug to convert Earth's fuel sources into fuel they can use it attracts the attention of the US Military. This complicates matters because they don't know the difference between Autobot and Decepticon, so that causes complications. But even in the face of adversity, the Autobots manage to save the day when Gears sneaks into the Decepticon base and rescues Sparkplug, even if it does end with Gears falling to his death. Oh yeah, and if that weren't enough the story also guest-stars Spider-Man.

Defining Moment: If you missed the cover to this one, then I suppose the moment you realize how shitty this comic is, is when you see Spider-Man pop out of nowhere. So far as I'm concerned, having Spider-Man guest star in your comic within the first ten issues is usually the kiss of death for your series. Back in the day before comic books were advertised, hyped, and ejaculated on by the staff at Wizard Magazine, Marvel used to make a hard sell on their new books by throwing Spider-Man into it. It was a way of trying to get long time Marvel readers to pick up a new book by throwing in a familiar face. 98% of the time they use Spider-Man, as if the character doesn't have enough to do what with (at the time) having three titles of his own and his regular appearances in Marvel Team-Up, they have to throw him in as a guest star. Also at the time, Marvel would toss whatever commercial properties they got comic book licensing for into the Marvel Universe (this practice being done with Conan, Godzilla, Rom The Spaceknight and the Micronaughts.) They were going to do the same thing with Transformers, until they realized how much of a headache it was going to be tossing them into the ether with all the rest.

Why This Story is Lame: First of all: A highly advanced alien race of sentient robots can't figure out how to convert Earth's fuel sources into something they can use, and the best person they can kidnap to these ends is a former war vet who's a mechanic? You know, it's not like they know where to find smarter people or anything, I mean in the previous issue they raided a nuclear reactor, and in this one they steal all manner of devices from universities and science labs. Seriously, a mechanic? That's the best you can do? How smart can a mechanic be? Just because the guy can change your muffler, doesn't mean he can change the chemical composition of a fuel source into something you can use! Shit, I wouldn't trust that guy either, he'd start by converting your fuel source, but then he's going to get a closer look at that gyro-stabilizer, or laser-core reactor and insist that they need to be replaced before you're allowed back on the road. Next thing you know it you're getting billed for seven different additional repair jobs you didn't even know you needed. Second of all: Spider-Man? Look, super-heroes and giant robots don't usually mix too well unless you've got your guy (or girl) in leotards riding inside said robot on a regular basis. This is something Marvel never learned since 20 years later they have done a cross over between IDW's Transformers and their New Avengers (which also featured Spider-Man. I wonder if Spidey remembered his last encounter?)

9.) Transformers #14 - Rock and Roll Out!

So What's the Deal With This One?: In this issue, the Autobots are feeling the effects of war since most of their ranks are currently waiting for repairs in Ratchet's lab (And just like with humans they have to sit in a waiting room.) Just then Optimus Prime just happens to remember that he has a bunch of crystals kicking around that contain the minds of a bunch of Autobots they decide to put in storage or something. So Prime gets Ratchet to build a bunch of new bodies to transfer their minds into. These new Autobots are then shown around the planet Earth by Bumblebee. During their road trip Skids really starts getting into the music of a musician named Brick Springhorn and his Tenth Street Band. A series of coincidence after and the group find themselves at a Brick Springhorn concert when they notice the music doesn't sound that great. They soon stumble upon a Decepticon plan which involved them converting the music energy at the concert into Energon cubes. The Autobots attack and the battle takes place during the concert and everyone thinks it's part of the show. The Decepticons are beaten by an exploding Energon cube and sent flying out of the stadium and all the Autobots return home happily ever after.

Why This Story is Lame: I have to wonder why the hell Ratchet is building new bodies for other Transformers when he's got about 10 or so that are damaged in his repair bay? Wouldn't it be much easier to fix your wounded soldier instead of bringing new ones online? Plus you have to admire the flimsy excuse to introduce new characters into the story as well. Understanding that there was a mandate to push the new toys that came out, it's almost as if the writer didn't give much thought into how these characters show up, and focused more on some sort of bizarre Bruce Springsteen homage. And why the Bruce Springsteen imitation in this comic? I suppose it could be worse, somebody once teamed Superman up with Pat Boone, so perhaps we can over look that. But by far the most ridiculous aspect to this story are the inflatable humans that hide under the the drivers seats in this issue. See in an effort to make their disguises work better the Autobots figured they'd build inflatable humans that would inflate into the drivers seats whenever they where in vehicle mode. Possibly one of the most silly things I've seen in my life. Here's an advanced alien race that can create complex holograms and other super-advanced technology and here they are reduced to playing with fucking blow-up dolls.

8.) Transformers #24 - Afterdeath!

What's The Deal With This One?: When Wheeljack finds one of Bombshell's Ceribro shells inside Optimus Prime they reverse it's function and learn of a Decepticon plot to steal the Hydrothermocline. What is the Hydrothermocline (other than a really long non-sense word) you ask? It's a device that gathers energy from the heat differentials in the ocean. Optimus Prime then takes the Protectobots in to stop Megatron, who conveniently showed up with his own brand new army: The Combaticons. The group are about to fight when one of the plant workers, Ethan Zachary, stops them. He tells them of a way to battle each other without wrecking the device they seek: Allow Ethan to download their minds into the video game he really loves. Both factions agree to this plan, and so, the winner of the contests would get to choose the fate of the Hydrothermocline. To up the ante, Megatron has them agree that the losing team would also have to destroy their leader (nobody knowing that Megatron learned the super-duper-secret cheat code for the game.) So this battle takes place in the video game world and the Autobots are kicking ass until the final battle between Optimus Prime and Megatron. When Prime figures he's bested Megatron, Megs uses the cheat code to revive his character right behind Prime. Prime still manages to defeat Megatron, however in doing so he also kills some of the video games inhabitancies in doing so. Feeling that he disobeyed his code to never harm innocents, Prime insists that he lost the contest even though Megatron had cheated. Prime is blown up, the Decepticons take the Hydrothermocline and the Autobots leave with Primes body. The story ends with Ethan pulling a 5" floppy disc out of the computer and writing the name "Optimus Prime" on it before storing it in a box.

Why This Story is Lame: The character Ethan Zachary is a pioneer in his field I think. Not the field of heat energy differential collecting... But sitting around playing video games all day long. The MMORPG community should get down on their hands and knees and suck Ethan's balls in tribute, because this guy was a total loser 20 years before anybody else. Top off the fact that the characters in this story are fighting in a video game that looks like it was conceived by a six year old. Talking plans, pink naked people in the sky, little smiley faces with arms and legs? Man, a lot of thought was put into this game! The other thing I find funny is how a bunch of sentient robots from outer space can have their brains inputted into a computer that was built on Earth... Especially one that was built in 1985 and was the size of a room. I mean come on! You expect me to believe that? And I think the coupe de grass for this one is the fact that they suggest that your average Transformers mind can exist on a 5" floppy disc. They use it as a convenient way to bring Prime back later on in the series (Around issue #42 to be exact), and they manage to pull that off without a hitch. If you ask me, if they really did that, I figure Optimus Prime would have been sitting in the corner writing things with his own Energon exhaust whilst slightly drooling as opposed to giving orders. They would have to convert his trailer into a wheelchair to push him around. I mean seriously, saving Optimus Prime's brain on a floppy disc would have been like making him a giant robotic Terry Schiavo (this dated joke brought to you by: Laziness!)

7.) Transformers #31 - Buster Wittwicky and the Car Wash of Doom!

What's The Deal With This One?: When energy auditor Ratbat comes to Earth to monitor the Decepticons progress in collecting Earth's vast energy resources he finds the whole process wholly inefficient. His solution? With billionaire industrialist G.B. Blackrock under their hypnotic control, the Decepticons plot to open a chain of exotic car-washes that put on hypnotic light shows on for those who take their vehicles through them. Once under their hypnotic spell the humans would then go to an oil plant near them to allow the Decepticons to siphon out the gasoline from their gas tanks. Since the Autobots are too busy fucking around to do anything about it, their long time companion Buster Wittwicky learns of the plot when his father opens up one of the Decepticons "Wash 'n' Rolls" next to his service station. Through sheer luck Buster learns the key to curing people is via a large flashing light. Buster travels to the Decepticons base of operations and throws a crow bar into their new model Wash and Roll (Which would make the hypnosis permanent) thereby curing everybody under the Decepticons control. They are chased away by the outraged humans, their plot foiled, Blackrock has all the Wash and Rolls destroyed and Buster is hailed as a hero.

Why This Story is Lame: Now let me ask you a serious question here folks: When you buy a comic book that promises giant robots fighting each other, what do you expect to find when you read it's pages? Giant robots fighting each other right? Well unfortunately the biggest failing of a lot of these early Transformer comics was it's almost constant focus on the human supporting cast as opposed to the comics titled subject: The Transformers. Funny enough, this is something Transfans accused the movie of doing, it seems to me just about every medium in the franchises 20+ years has always had a steady focus on human characters over the robots. Obviously given the title, the writer spent most of his time focusing on the human characters as opposed to coming up with a decent plot. I mean, what the hell were they thinking when they penned this one? Of all the dastardly energy stealing plots the Decepticons can think up of and they come up with hypnotic car washes? I don't think this plot is any less efficient from any of their previous plots, the times they bother to have a energy-stealing plot to begin with. I mean when you're an army of giant robots from outer space, on a planet who's inhabitancies are unable to stop you and your opponents are taking a powder, you could save yourself a whole lot of trouble by just walking in any old place and taking what you want. And what sort of hypnotic device that utilizes lights is reversed by an even brighter blinking light anyway?

6.) Transformers #35 & 36 - Child's Play!/Spacehikers!

What's The Deal With This One?: This one is a tie because it's a two part story and to get the full idea of how much it sucks you have to get both parts of it. See in previous issues Blaster and Goldbug are on the lamb for disobeying orders because they don't like their new leader Grimlock, because he's an idiot. Eventually Blaster gets caught (If you want to know what happens to Goldbug, keep reading, but believe me it gets more depressing.) by the Protectobots. This story starts off with them bringing Blaster to the Autobot ship (Which is being repaired as Grimlock plans to leave Earth) but they are forced to hide Blaster in a drain pipe when they find the Combaticons. This leads to a battle. Now just before you think something interesting and cool is going to happen they deviate the plot to follow four kids playing in the same train yard, who find Blaster and set him free and try to help him out. In the end they help Blaster distract Bruticus long enough for Defensor to knock him out. As reward, the Protectobots let Blaster free. Blaster, to repay the kids puts a mode lock device on the Decepticon Blast Off and takes them out on a space flight. Of course at this same time Grimlock is launching the Autobot base to capture Blaster himself.

The second issue starts with Wheeljack calling his old pal Skylynx to come and save the day. Meanwhile, Blaster leaves the kids unattended in Blast Off to try to sneak aboard the Autobot ship. At this time, Grimlock captures Blast Off and captures the kids. While Blaster is off rallying support for his cause, Grimlock sentences the children to death and is about to dump them into space when they are rescued by Skylynx. Grimlock and the Dinobots go in for the attack and Blaster surrenders so that they will let the children go. And it only gets worse from here.

Why This Story is Lame: Four children. This story focuses on four fucking children. You don't need any more explanation than that, but I can go many many steps further. It's a typical story where a writer who is a grown man tries to write child characters and not really knowing what the hell he's doing. I also have to point out that they're constantly ragging on the black kid for being fat and eating too many hamburgers. Oh, and you got to love their distraction: Blaster tells Bruticus he's not with the Autobots anymore, so Briticus tells him to kill the children. So without telling any of the kids, Blaster shoots the black one. It was all a bluff that the black kid went with it, but man, for a second there you could of sworn the story was written by Michael Bay (har har.) You have to wonder just how stupid Blaster is by letting kids fly into space aboard one of his sworn enemies as well. That's not very bright. Issue #36 takes it a step further and makes this whole thing even worse. When captured by the Autobots, Wheeljack makes the kids space suits, and the little girl asks for one.... For her teddy bear. So yes, they give riveting characterization for a teddy bear, over say, the giant robots that are the title characters in this issue. Oh and this isn't the last we see of these damn kids either, it only gets worse from here. Trust me! But first, let's find out what the hell happed to Goldbug and the Throttlebots!

5.) Transformers #37 - Toy Soldiers!

What's The Deal With This One?: Remember how I said a few issues ago Blaster was captured and blah blah blah? Well his buddy Goldbug and the Throttlebots were captured by this human military team calls R.A.A.T. (Rapid Action Anti-Robot Team in case you give a shit.) While in captivity, Goldbug tries to convince R.A.A.T. commander Walter Barnette that there are two different factions of robots (after 37 issues the humans still haven't figured this out.) However R.A.A.T. continues to demand that the robots stop raiding energy sources or they will execute Goldbug and the Throttlebots. The Decepticons of course continue their raids in hopes of having the Autobots killed. Finally having a change of heart about the Throttlebots, Barnette removes their brains from their bodies and implants them inside a number of his sons radio controlled cars. The next day, after the bodies are destroy the Predacons show up to make sure the Autobots are dead. When they find their brain modules gone, they and Ratbat go in persist of Barnette. Barnette meanwhile has tracked down Buster Wittwicky at the local mall and is asking him to help find the Autobot base. After wrecking Busters home, the Decepticons find Buster and Barnette and the two humans and five RC cars give them a merry chase, but they manage to escape. They find the volcano crater where the Autobot base used to be empty but hit a distress call button. Ratbat arrives (having hidden in Busters boombox) and captures Buster, and crushes the RC car with the brain of Goldbug inside it.

Why This Story is Lame: While the concept of the US military creating a task force to stop the "giant robot menace" is a plausible one, at times in this comic book series they get down right ridiculous. This plot involving putting Autobot brains in RC cars is just one of them. It's almost as silly as them storing Optimus Prime's mind on a 5 inch floppy disc. Now, I'm not sure about the rest of you reading this, but I'm quite sure that if you plug a alien robots brain into the "drivers seat" of a radio controlled car, I don't think it'll be able to control it. Compound the fact that two humans and five toy cars were so easily able to get away from the Predacons: Five "master hunters" who were able to hold their own against Megatron and you get one stupid story. Oh yeah, and the Decepticons are being ordered around by a bat that turns into a cassette tape. That's pretty stupid also. Not only that, but they leave a wide gaping plot hole about as wide as when your mom spreads her legs: What happens to the other Throttlebots? Not that anybody would really care. I mean, the Throttlebots are pretty fucking lame. They rebuild Goldbug shortly after this issue, but the other guys aren't seen again until Issue #50, where we're told they were rebuilt just as they are being blown to smithereens by Starscream.

4.) Transformers #44 - The Cosmic Carnival!

What's The Deal With This One?: Okay, I've got a pitch for an awesome Transformers comic book, are you ready? Great. Have a seat. Hey, do you want any coffee? No? Okay, that's fine. So, right, this story idea. Okay, check this out. Picture this: The Transformers go to the CIRCUS.... But in Space! If only this issue were that basic. No friends, it goes farther than this. See, just after being brought back to life, Optimus Prime and Goldbug are on their way back to Earth when they see and advertisement for a space circus who's star attraction is their buddy Skylynx. So, yeah, remember those four kids? They're in this issue also. See what happened in the last nine issues since the writer cared to include these kids in the story, they went to check out the space circus with Skylynx and they were tricked into becoming part of the show when they couldn't pay their tickets. So now the children are on display like caged animals (As they should be if you ask me) and Skylynx is forced by the circus owner, Big Top, to perform night after night. Optimus Prime and Goldbug end up saving the day and freeing everybody of course before they all head back home to Earth.

Why This Story is Lame: If I were Optimus Prime and I got revived to get involved in this sort of nonsense, I'd insist that they return me to that 5 inch floppy disc they found me on, because if you ask me, even the cramped confines of a floppy would be better than living in a reality where my inept subordinates get themselves and four Earth children (who have no business being in space what-so-ever) tricked into performing in a circus. I mean, if I were Optimus Prime I'd be going "This is the shit that happens when I'm not around? Fuck me, no wonder the war against the Decepticons has been going on for four million years, I'm commanding a bunch of fucking retards!" I mean serious, could you imagine that. Prime goes off for a vacation and he'd come back and he'd be like "Okay, so where are Iron Hide, Prowl, Sunstreaker, Chromedome, Hardhead, and Skylynx?" and Wheeljack would go "Well, the first three are still waiting for repairs in Ratchets lab, and Chromedome and the others got caught up selling Amway.... In space. There was nothing we could do because we were too busy stealing candy for Grimlock, and they did sign a contract. " Yup, just another awesome day in the best Transformers series ever!

3.) Transformers #45 - Monstercon From Mars!

What's The Deal With This One?: Okay, so perhaps the circus in space idea wasn't that great an idea, but I got something a million times better! Oh man, you better hook us up with a conference call on this one because even the boss is going to think it's brilliant. Okay so get this: Let's do a story about a robot, that lives inside a shell that looks like a monster, right? And let's take that monster, and put him on the set of a science fiction movie and make him a huge movie star! Because that's what this one is about. Essentially the story is this: Decepticon leader Scorponok sends out Skullgrin, who is a Pretender (A Pretender has an outer shell that makes them look like something else other than a giant robot, a giant human for example) and spy on the humans. Tromping through the forests in his monster shell he attracts the attention of a film crew of a science fiction film that are seeking him as a star attraction. Additionally the robot hating Circuit Breaker becomes suspicious of Skullgrin and decide to follow him about (For those who care, Circuit Breaker is this chick who got crippled by a Decepticon back in Issue #6, flies around in a metal bikini and zaps robots indiscriminately because she really, really hates them for making her a gimp.) Of course during the filming of the movie, Skullgrin reveals himself as a Transformer to one of the starlet and Circuit Breaker attacks. She soon becomes disgusted when he realizes the filmmaker is filming her destroying Skullgrin for his movie and destroys the film sparing Skullgrin believing that no creature should be killed for the bottom line of a movie.

Why This Story is Lame: First of all, this issue has a cameo appearance from the Spacehiker kids from issues 35, 36 and 44. That should be reason one for you to drop this book and set it ablaze. The other thing would be the concept of Pretenders is pretty fucking stupid. Especially the way the execute it in the comic book. All of the Pretenders, including the ones with outer shells that are supposed to be human are Transformer sized. Blending into the scenery on Earth isn't very easy when your still 50 fucking feet tall. At least in the Japanese cartoon (which is not immune to it's own Japanese induced stupidity) made the idea of a Pretender slightly more practical by making all the Pretenders human sized when in their shells. Plus when you're battling the same opponents over and over, I don't think they're going to fall for the giant monster costume. I'd have to say that Pretenders are the Transformers answers to cos-playing. The fact that Scorponok finds Skullgrin perfect for stealing energy without anybody noticing is laughable in itself, but not as much as the idea of a film crew hiring him as the monster in their movie and paying him in fuel. The fact that the military is willing to allow a giant monster that is looking for energy walk around and star in a movie and not make the connection that he's a giant robot (whom they usually shoot at indiscriminately) is additionally wacky.

2.) Transformers #52-53: Guess Who the Mechanibals Are Having For Dinner/Recipe For Disaster

What's The Deal With This One?: Another tie in the number two slot, again it's a two part story and you need to know both parts to know just how stupid this one is, but first: Some back story. In the 50th issue of Transformers, they had Starscream destroy pretty much every character who wasn't part of the 1987-1988 toyline (making room for new characters, and saving the writer from actually doing some meaningful characterization for characters that only appeared a few issues before) After all the carnage, Optimus Prime sends Cloudburst and Landmine on a mission to purchase a large quantity of microchips, as these are the main reason they can't bring all their dead comrades back to life. He sends them to Grand Central Space Station, a place where robots aren't accepted. Cloudburst and Landmine, if you haven't already figured out are two of the aforementioned Pretender Transformers. So they go to Grand Central Space Station to buy the microchips from these two dealers (little knowing that they are High Test and Throttle, two Nebulans who are binary bonded to the Decepticon Powermasters Darkwing and Dreadwind) before making their transaction they meet Burko who is drunk off his ass and lamenting over the disappearance of his pal Skylynx. When making their final transaction, the Autobots ask to meet the dealer not wanting to deal with the middle men and are brought to the Mechanibals. A group of robots that eat other robots, and soon learn they are about to feast upon their pal Skylynx. Landmine uses his robot mode to free Skylynx and blinds the Mechanibals long enough to merge with his Pretender shell. Returning to the space station with their microchips they reveal themselves to Burko (but are seen by High Test and Throttle) who report to their masters. The two Autobots are then jettisoned into space and captured by the Mechanibals who plan on feasting upon them. Quick thinking, Cloudburst suggests that they would go better if they were properly seasoned, however the Mechanibals don't have one of the ingredients and sends the two Autobots to go collect it on the planet Feminax. A planet where the worlds women rule over the men. There they win the trust of the women and get the material they need. On their way out they are attacked by Darkwing and Dreadwind and find out that High Test and Throttle are binary bonded to robots. They manage to escape and reveal the truth to the Mechanibals who let the two Autobots free and go after the two Decepticons. Landmine and Cloudburst return to base empty handed however, because the microchips were the remains of robots that were eaten by the Mechanibals.

Why This Story is Lame: Okay what part do I really need to explain? The Grand Central Space Station? The robot eating robots? The giant women who are warriors who enslave men? Pretenders? The fact that they brought back Burko from issue #44? God these two issues are so monumentally stupid and dull! And in all honesty, if you had your dinner sitting there on the plate ready to eat and you are hungry, are you going to bargain with them? About spices and proper cooking? Not me man, I'd stabbing them until they stop talking, fire my chef, cook them properly and then eat them. The only redeeming quality to either of these issues (well depending on your perspective) is that the cover to issue #53 was drawn by Jim Lee. However, it's not that spectacular and he probably drew it at a time when he was strapped for cash and needed some freelance work and somebody said "Draw a picture for this silly robot comic that sells toys."

1.) Transformers #55: The Interplanetary Wrestling Championship!

What's The Deal With This One?: In the previous issue the Autobot Micromasters came to Earth to help out the Autobots stop a Decepticon Pretender named Iguanas they decide to stay in New York and gain some media savvy. Appearing on a talk show they are challenged by a local wrestler to a wrestling match and are sucked into the faux world of professional wrestling. Eventually they end up fighting some Decepticon Micromasters and learn how much of a sham professional wrestling is, cuss out the humans for getting off on that sort of entertainment and drive back to base.

Why This Story is Lame: I know professional wrestling. was big in the 80's, but did you really need to center a Transformers plot around it? For fucks sake man! What the hell is up with that? The Micromasters themselves are pretty pathetic as well. Obviously a ploy to cash in on the Micromachine craze of the late 80's, their usefulness in this comic series is close to useless. They're really short and get knocked around most of the time by robots who are bigger than them. The fact that the writer had to put them in a story where they fight humans is embarrassing enough. The art is horrible as well. This thankfully is also the last issue written by Bob Budiansky. The next issue, is the first US Transformers book written by Simon Furman, and the origin point of what I refer to as the "Furman Event."

And that concludes my review of the 10 lamest Transformers comics. In the end of it all, no matter how monumentally fucking stupid these comics are (and all the issues in between) the series is all in good fun, and can be an enjoyable read. And hey, if you can sit there and read this garbage and think it's hot shit, then maybe you can also take a look at and enjoy other Transformers series that came out later with a little more objectivity than you started with, hey you never know, you might enjoy what you're watching if you give it a chance.

But until then, expect a follow up in the near future where I take a look at what I think to be the top ten worst Generation 1 cartoon episodes! Tah tah!

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