Autobot Spike, is the first episode of the second season of the Transformers. I thought I'd point out that the last episode of the first season saw the Decepticons being buried alive in a pool of lava and apparently vanquished. They chose to ignore this little fact and continued on with the series. Which is reason one G-1 will always suck compared to it's successors: Spotty continuity. Although some of it's successors may not have had complex plots, at least they had a continuity to follow. Any mistakes in story, and characters names was out of the stupidity of the people dubbing these series in English.

Anyway, this episode starts with Sparkplug unveiling to the Autobots his latest creation, Autobot X. A Transformer that he put together

with spare parts he found around the Autobots base. The thing that always bothered me was the fact that a (probably uneducated) oil rig worker could figure out how to put together a robot out of spare parts that were from an alien planet that is light years ahead of the human race technologically. I mean, if Sparkplug is so fucking smart, why is it the only job he and his son could get was doing manual labor on an oil rig?

Anyway, Ol' Sparky shows off his creation Autobot X, which the Autobots seem pretty good at pretending like this is such a big achievement for the humans, although they can't help but point out how ugly the damn thing is. Spike goes so far as to say that it's a metal Frankenstein's monster. Gee, what gave you that impression?

The metal bolts that Sparkplug just happened to put on the things helmet? I have to give the writers some credit though, of all the references to Marry Shelly's Frankenstein, they never call the monster Frankenstein, they called it Frankenstein's monster. Because as we all know, the monster was not named Frankenstein. They are so accurate on this point, everyone says "Frankenstein's Monster" multiple times in the episode, to the point of irritation. So get ready for that.

Of course the obvious happens when Sparkplug activates the robot, it goes mad and starts smashing the place. Not only does this play into the blatant Frankenstein homage, but is also a G-1 staple. Every time the Autobots create a robot in their base, it always goes berserk and smashes things until the Autobots take it down where

they then realize the menace they created. You'd think they'd learn the last few times their bases computers got smashed, but apparently not.

With Autobot X struck down by the Autobots weapons, Wheeljack surmises that they could still find use out of Autobot X by using it as a temporary body for Autobots who are undergoing repairs. This idea is interrupted by the Autobots computer -- Teletran-1. The alarm sounding informs Prime that the Decepticons are attacking a rocket base. Apparently the Autobots have enough free time to customize their computers ring tones to play specific sounds when certain energy sources are attacked -- and possibly to screen their phone calls. While the alarm went for the classic "warning" sound, I would have went for something a little more appropriate, maybe a ring tone themed after the classic song Rocket Man.

We cut to the Rocket base where the military are holding a press conference stating that with their super powered rockets they will be able to travel to new places. The question I have is why the military is presenting these rockets and not the usual bunch of gangly NASA scientists that are a little too excited about shooting phallic shaped rockets into space. To penetrate the mysteries of space if you will.

Anyway, true to course, the Decepticons attack and the army seems to think that their guns have an effect on highly advanced alien robots from outer space. This of course doesn't, and it's quite laughable because the captain (or whatever the fuck he is) pulls a pistol out. A fucking pistol. Talk about a flyswatter on an elephant for Christs sake.

boring cartoon I know, but fuck man, there's a fine line between being practice and being fucking retarded.

Anyway, at this point Bumblebee -- with Spike inside him -- arrives on the scene of the battle. The Autobots, like any other heroic group or individual seem to have this knack for endangering innocent people and brining along boy mascots into battle. Because nothing brings out the zest for combat than the endangerment of innocent kids!

So what happens exactly? Well Megatron turns into gun mode, and Soundwave (Because you know, Megatron always has to have people pull his trigger) shoots at Bumblebee causing him to crash. I'm going

to stop here for a moment and identify the fact that Megatron turns into a gun, and that the trigger of said gun is located on his crotch. I'm not kidding, I'm serious about this, the trigger on Megatron is his fucking crotch. And when I identify this, and the fact that he turns into a gun no less, and the fact that most Transformers fans hate any incarnation of Megatron that isn't a gun leaves me to believe that all G-1 fans are gay for Megatron. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but they really should accept that reality. You're all gay for Megatron. Very very gay for him if you complained about the design for Megatron in the upcoming live action film (And the hate mail starts rolling in.)

Iron Hide gets to the wreckage first and finds Spike spread-eagle inside Bumblebee, it's quickly ascertained that he's been seriously

injured. I know this is an old Saturday morning cartoon and the idea of having Spike mangled or covered with blood would never happen, but I mean they could have at least told us what the hell was wrong with him. They never specify what's wrong with him.

Anyway, after being escorted to the hospital by Prowl and Ratchet, a doctor examens Spike and determines that the boy has to undergo surgery. He muses that if only there was a way to transfer his mind out of his body to perform the operation it would aid in his recovery. What a fucking coincidence. But the question I have is this: What kind of medical procedure would only have success if the person had no mind? Inserting a feeding tube to keep a vegetable alive (dated

political humor!)

And of course, as coincidence dictates, the Autobots and Sparkplug hook up a rig to transfer Spike's mind into the body of Autobot X. Now, let's stop here for a second, I can understand Sparkplug being upset and wanting a knee jerk solution to this issue, so his resolve to transfer his son's mind into a robot's body naturally sounds like a good idea for him. But you have to really ask yourself what the fuck the Autobots were thinking in helping him out. I mean, this is a robot who earlier in the day went crazy and started smashing their base, and they're just going to hook the thing up and transfer a humans mind into the thing? You know, for highly advanced robots from outer space they are pretty fucking stupid.

This is further pointed out when they actually do transfer Spike's mind into the robot body, and when Spike comes to and realizes what they all did he goes berserk and starts trashing things. The commercial break kicks in with Sparkplug asking aloud what he had done. I'm wondering what the hell the Autobots were thinking. I mean they can build a machine that can transfer a human's mind into a robot body, but they can't figure out a way not to not go berserk? For that matter, why the fuck didn't they just disable it's weapon systems. Why the hell would they arm a temporary body with weapons to begin with? And what the fuck kind of medical procedure would require the human mind to be in another body? I mean Spike is already in a coma, and they do have anesthetic to numb the pain, I mean what the fuck?

.... I know this is only a cartoon, but fuck, what kind of retard did they hire to write this story anyway?

"Ah ha, I caught you red handed! Do you have any idea how long it took me to wipe Autobot X down the last time you did this?" "No Sparkplug, it's not what you think!"

So after the commercial break, Autobot Spike is still trashing the Autobot base, smashing whatever computers and control consoles that are left after the last time a robot went berserk. During this fight Sunstreaker and Sideswipe try and stop Spike, it's a futile attempt that was more likely used to try and sell the characters.

Sparkplug manages to talk Spike into calming down, and Wheeljack surmises that Spike going crazy must be a side effect of the mind transfer. Holy shit Sherlock, did you figure that one out all by your lonesome? I don't think it's so much a side effect of the mind transfer as it is a side effect of your stupidity, but I digress.

After this display Optimus Prime explains to Sparkplug that he and the other Autobots are going back to the

rocket base to help repair the rockets that were destroyed by the Decepticons. Because there is nothing smarter than leaving an unstable, heavily armed human-trapped-in-a-robots body under the supervision of two robots that are medics/scientists, Bumblebee, and a fat guy who probably one all you can eat rib dinner away from a massive heart attack.

On top of all this, the Autobots should really consider revising their security systems because this whole display

was recorded by the Decepticons spy Laserbeak. Laserbeak returns to the Decepticon base where Megatron decides that they should turn Spike against the Autobots and use him as a weapon. This is hardly surprising, and it's yet another staple of a Transformers cartoon. When a new character is created they're usually really mentally unstable and is turned against their comrades before realizing the errors of their way and embraces the (very lame) Autobot life style.

Back at the Autobot base, Ratchet is working on repairing Bumblebee while Wheeljack sets up a TV feed to the

Autobot computer, Teletran-1 for Spike. Spike ends up watching a scene from a film version of Frankenstein. Now not only is this yet another convenient coincidence, the Autobots are again pretty stupid an irresponsible for letting Spike watch that.

Upon watching the Frankenstein's monster go on a rampage, Spike decides this is what he should do as well (Because you know how impressionable children are) and goes on a rampage in the Autobot base for the third time that day, until he flies away. Yes, not only did they arm this robot, but they gave it the ability to fly. I'm

assuming that they did this in case it became a menace it could achieve the highest level of irritation possible.

Bumblebee follows after Spike, with Ratchet yelling after him that he hadn't repaired his radio (And you know this is going to come back to bite him in the ass.) And through this whole thing the Autobots once again totally didn't notice that the Decepticon Reflector has been spying on them the whole time. They really have to get around to revising this security system because this happens every fucking week.

Reflector follows Spike to a remote area and alerts the other Decepticons where he is. Spike decides that since he's in a robot body he was going to become a menace to the world. Because you know, it's not like this situation is permanent or anything. His first order of business is to take out his frustrations on some trees and rocks.

Bumblebee shows up and tries to talk some sense into Spike but get's attacked instead of is knocked off a cliff where he grabs onto a ledge for dear life. The Decepticons arrive and attack Spike, who fights back and instantly get's his ass handed to him. Then there's a commercial break.

When the episode resumes, we see that Autobot Spike wasn't really all that injured from the attack because he gets right back up. Because you know, you can't have anybody die in a children's cartoon. Megatron stops the fight and manages to talk Autobot Spike into joining up with the Decepticons. He uses a speech about being sentient robots discovering their destiny, it's a speech that would probably make Hitler proud.

Bumblebee hearing all this leaves to go tell the other Autobots what's going on. We then cut the the rocket base where the Autobots have just finished repairing the

rockets. The military launches them into space, because apparently the military can spend billions of dollars on rockets to indiscriminately launch into random areas of space. Optimus Prime takes a moment to make a joke about how primitive the rockets are.

Bumblebee arrives, and gets past security, who threaten to shoot but let him drive through the security gate anyway, because in the Pre-9/11 days you could just drive your piss-yellow VW Beetle through a military check point. Bumblebee informs Prime that Megatron is telling Spike "lies" and that Spike is starting to believe them. This whole moment is kind of surreal because Bumblebee

sounds like a little kid taddling on a sibling to mom and dad. And really, where is Megatron lying here? Just because they have ideological differences does not mean that Megatron is lying But again, children's cartoon... looking into it too much.

The Autobots go to the location where Spike and the Decepticons are hiding out. They confront Spike, who then attacks Optimus Prime with Megatron (in gun mode.) I think it's a little upsetting that Megatron takes such pleasure in Spike pulling his trigger.

Meanwhile the other Decepticons attack the Autobots, who return fire. It's kind of funny because the Autobots start saying tough macho things like "Blast them into debris" but through the whole battle nobody seems to be hitting each other with their shots. This of course adheres to the staple that nobody can fucking aim. Sentient robots with complex computer brains apparently can't aim for shit.

The battle rages until Sparkplug arrives with Wheeljack. Sparkplug, not being too bright runs towards Spike trying to talk him into stopping the attack. Spike does what

we're all hoping he'd do: He shoots at his dad. But again, the Transformer's lack of aim thing comes true and he misses a dead-on shot, the blast however does knock Sparkplug off the cliff.

But instead of showing Sparkplug splatter on the pavement, Spike takes this one moment to realize what that what he's doing is wrong and saves Sparkplug's life, he then uses Megatron to blast all the Decepticons until Megatron jumps out of his hand and turns into robot mode.

If Megatron can control his blasts, and jump out of Spike's hand and resume robot mode, why did he wait until Spike shot all the Decepticons that were present? That's pretty stupid. But stupider still, since they were betrayed by Spike, Megatron decides this is reason enough to retreat.

Spike apologizes to his father and asks him to forgive him, Sparkplug replies with "Son, there is nothing to forgive.", which could be a really insulting thing to say if you took it the wrong way. I think it should be a rule of thumb that you should put a little more thought in what you say when you've got a mentally unstable child trapped in a robot's body.

Anyway, as expected the surgery goes off without a hitch and Spike's mind is returned to his body, and the device conveniently breaks after. The episode ends with Bumblebee musing what it would be like to be in a human's body. The end.

Now if after all that, you still don't think G-1 sucks, don't you worry kiddies, I'm going to be doing more of these little features in the future. I'm sure it'll generate a lot of hate mail. Speaking of which, if you'd like to send me hate mail regarding this article please do so, I love being amused by complete fucking retards. So please send your