The White Gorilla

Refer to: Star Spangled War Stories # 110, 111

So what's worse than being on an island and being attacked by an army of blood crazed dinosaurs and nobody believing it? Being rescued by a big white gorilla and nobody believing that either, apparently. Obviously a big rip off of King Kong, for whatever reasons the writers felt like there needed to be a giant monster that would protect humans in stead of indiscriminately smash them.

The plot line to these stories is that this scientist is out with a bunch of guys in a PT Boat. The scientist is insisting that they check out an island where ancient drawings tell tales of a giant white gorilla that protected early man from dinosaurs. Now, I said earlier that research into dinosaurs and related eras of pre-history were not researched at all so I don't think I need to further explain this, but come on. Giant monkey? Protecting early man from dinosaurs. If you suggested that idea to a leading paleontologist his head would probably explode, and if he has a wife who's pregnant she'd probably spontaneously go into premature labor.

I think the funniest thing about the whole white monkey plot line is that in the first appearance of the white monkey the PD Boat crew blow up the monkey with a torpedo to save their own asses from a pile of dinosaurs it was holding back. Talk about cold.

But not to worry: They have a spare. Apparently giant white apes can reproduce asexually, because in the following issue, the same PT Boat captain and scientist come across the apparent son of the original white gorilla they blew up.

Now I don't know about you, but if I were this giant ape and I ran into the guys who blew up my dad with a torpedo while he was trying to save their asses, I'd leave them to the dinosaurs that were trying to eat them. No, scratch that: I'd hand feed them to the dinosaurs.

Don't Push That Panic Button!

So you want to send out the most efficient team to go on a secret mission that requires team work, which two soldiers do you send out? How about a failed Olympic athlete who feels guilty of the death of his partner and feels he failed his country and pair him up with his dead partners brother who happens to have a psychotic grudge against this guy and is prone to forcing him to do things at gun point! PERFECT!

You know it's any wonder how America somehow defeated the Japanese with soldiers like this. If the war was really like this I think that perhaps instead of pledging an allegiance to the stars and bars, America would be pledging to a big red dot. But I digress...

So what's the story here? Well this particular series of stories center around two member of the "Suicide Squad" named Morgan and Mace. Mace was a former Olympic athlete from America that totally sucked at bob sledding. In

fact, he was so bad he managed get his partner (Morgan's brother) killed and was chastised on national television as failing his country. In order to make it up for his dead buddy and America he -- like any other idiot who has a suicidal devotion to their country but isn't inclined to strap a bomb to his chest -- joins the US Army and goes in fight in Japan, and joins the Suicide Squad. Tagging along with him is Morgan, the brother of Mace's bob sled partner. Morgan, who appears equally as insane and inept as Mace joined the Suicide Squad to make sure that Mace doesn't "Push the Panic Button" and back out of any combat. Morgan has a habit of chiding Mace about this "Panic Button" and pointing a .45 at him. In fact more often than not Morgan is too busy pointing a gun at Mace, that Mace has to do everything to save the day.

Now toss these two numb-nuts in the middle of a war and if that's not enough for you, toss them on an island chocked full of hungry dinosaurs. Yeah, and some how they manage to make it through every mission alive, and no matter what Mace does to save the day, Morgan is always telling Mace not to "Press the Panic Button" and pointing that .45 at him.

I envision a future where Mace leave the army, meets a good woman and get's married and the whole time Morgan is there two steps behind him. I can see their lovely honeymoon in Niagara Falls, they're about to consummate their marriage. Mace mounts his new bride, he's about to stick it in her when he feels the cold barrel of a .45 in his back and Morgan shouting "NOW DON'T PUSH THE PANIC BUTTON MORGAN! I'M MAKING SURE YOU DON'T PANIC OUT LIKE YOU DID WITH MY BROTHER!"

Now if you think Morgan and Mace aren't ridiculous enough to be in the War that Time Forgot because they actually have a bit of back story and tension worry not because the writers have this covered. In later stories the two get teamed up with Dino, a baby pterodactyl that is friendly and thinks Morgan and Mace are it's parents (based on the logic that a baby creature hatching out of it's egg will consider whatever is there it's parents.) It would tap on Mace's helmet with it's beak to communicate with them as well. And if that weren't enough they're also teamed with Cave Boy. Who is I guess another one of those cave men that was freed from suspended animation that DC Comics seems to love so much. And of course Dino and Cave Boy end up teaming up.

I'm hoping that some day Dino and Cave Boy can be brought back to the Post-Crisis on Infinite Earths/Post-Infinite Crisis/Post-52/Post-The Dark Knight Sucks My Dick universe and get their own series.

But that's a subject for another day because I'm concluding this fond look back at the War That Time Forgot. If you want to check out these stories yourself, DC Comics has just the ticket for you, there is already one volume of Showcase Presents: The War That Time Forgot available out in trade paperback. Don't rush out to get it, I think they'll sell about as well as Marvel's Essential Godzilla and will be adorning a clearance rack at your local comic shop sometime soon!