Like I've said in previous reviews, the early Transformer comics seem to focus a heck of a lot more on the human characters than on what the book is about: Giant transforming robots from outer space. This issue is no different. And this is because the writer at the time, Bob Budiansky, liked the idea of "How people will interact with Transformers", he liked that idea so much, he re-used the story for about 50 issues, whereas characters who would have benefited from a little something called character development (like say, I don't know, the Transformers) became these disposable cookie-

cutter characters that you really didn't care about because their characters were never developed further than "My name is so and so, this is my weapon, and this is my character flaw. I turn into a car!"

Before we begin, let's just make sure we're aware of the human characters that were featured in this issue, since most of you can figure out the Transformers because of their bland characters, the human characters are little harder to talk about without explaining who they are first.

Circuit Breaker -

Also known as Josie Bellar, she was crippled by a Decepticon

the Autobots. He then went on an adventure with Skids and sold him out to I.I.I. for fifty big.

Walter Barnett -

Is the token black guy who happens to work for I.I.I., which stands for Intelligence and Information Institute. See, apparently the CIA or the FBI, or even the U.S. Army was not competent enough to handle the threat of a giant robot invasion from outer space, so the government created I.I.I. to deal with the problem. Walter Barnett being the guy in charge of their R.A.A.T. division.

R.A.A.T (Rapid Anti-Robot Assault Team) -

Other than being a really bad acronym (I.I.I. needs to fire their PR guy), they are a team of commando's who work under Walter Barnett and Circuit Breaker in battling Transformers. They wear silly costumes and fly around in hover cars and have possibly the most ridiculous looking guns I've seen in my life outside of a comic book drawn by Rob Liefeld.

Okay, so with that bit of exposition, let's get this review going shall we?

The story starts off at RAAT headquarters, where Circuit Breaker are talking about Transformers, their technology, which are good which are bad. See, Danny seems to be having a change of heart over selling out his buddy Skids at the end of last issue. I think the only thing worthwhile to note is that the artist of this story went out of his way to draw Danny with the tag of his t-shirt sticking out. Also, if you like

wacky things, RAAT also seems to enjoy putting the heads of the Transformers they captured up on a wall.

Meanwhile, at the Decepticons headquarters, Megatron has called the Decepticons Runabout and Runamuck (known as the Battlechargers... because they have wheels in their feet that help them charge into battle.... Yeah I know, it's gay.... Still G-1 is apparently the best in spite of stupid gimmicks) to deliver a message to Optimus Prime that he wants to duel his age old foe to the death.

Soundwave cuts in and says that he could open a direct line of communication to the Autobot base, which would

have made for a shorter story, but something practical isn't good enough for Megatron. He sends Runabout and Runamuck to give a more dramatic message, although he doesn't give them too many ideas. So the two decide to give up on the plan and hang out in a parking lot.

Get ready for this stupid express train, because here comes our human characters that are going to be the central focus of a story about giant transforming robots: A family on vacation. Let's meet the family shall we?

It's your typical nuclear family, a mother a father and their two children a boy and a girl. They're on vacation and they're lost (Oh no!!)

The first thing I have to point out about this family is the children's disgusting eating habits, because the daughter is asking her mother for another Chocolate Covered Sushi Pop. Mother says not until she wipes the squid off her face from the last one she ate.

Hold on a minute... Chocolate Covered Sushi Pop? You're feeding your kids raw squid covered in chocolate? What the fuck is wrong with you?

The other thing to point out their eldest, the boy named Noah has a discipline problem. This doesn't really strike me as a surprise, I'd be really an angry kid too if my parents named me after a biblical character.

Noah finds an outlet for his hostilities the way a lot of kids do: graffiti. Using the cover that he's going to buy a soda, Noah uses this distraction to write his trademark tag "Vacations are the pits", Noah's dad catches him and tells him off, "I told you to stop doing that!" screams Noah's dad. You know pop, maybe you shouldn't let your kid into stationary stores anymore if this is such a problem.

Anyway, the two Decepticons watching this decide that this kid is a form of inspiration and decide to follow the kid around. At all the families vacation stops the Decepticons have spray painted messages on landmarks in the Cybertronian language. THis of course gets the attention of RAAT who for some reason use part of their funding determining if graffiti is caused by alien robots from outer space. They also have the resources to figure out there is a pattern and somehow figure out the next likely place that the Decepticons will strike is the Washington Monument in Washington D.C.

Of course right on cue, the family arrives and not long after the Decepticons arrive, complete with giant spray cans. Yes, giant spray cans, they then fly around the Washington Monument spray painting their message and escape before the authorities can show up.

RAAT shows up and checks out the situation and the family tells them that the graffiti followed them everywhere they went on their vacation. RAAT, bright as they are, realize there's a connection and decide to follow the family to their next stop: Independence Hall in Philadelphia.

Of course, the Decepticons arrive, and there's this silly battle in front of a bunch of humans, the annoying kid gets caught up and Circuit Breaker risks her life to save the kid and is injured in the process and the bad guys get away.

After this little situation RAAT learns that the Decepticons are going to attack the Statue of Liberty next. Barnett goes after them ordering Donny Finkleberg and Circuit Breaker to stay behind, but the two decide to cook up a new plan to stop the Decepticons using the warehouse of deactivated Autobots to help them.

Again the Decepticons attack right on cue, but they have a new twist to their usual antics, this time they've learned English. What the hell did they do? Steal a bunch of Phonics books or something?

Anyway, what sort of provocative message that these two Decepticons have to share with the human race? "Humans are Wimps" apparently. How weak.

Anyway, get ready for the absurd ending, see in the time it took for these Decepticons to do this, Donny and Circuit Breaker managed to rig together all the disassembled Autobots into one giant robot under Circuit Breakers control. It quickly defeats the two Decepticons causing their flaming wreckage to plunge into New York Harbor.

At the end of the story, Donny and Circuit Breaker are fired from their job because as a condition to using

the Autobots to help stop the Decepticons they had to promise to let them go after.

Later in his hovel, feeling guilty about what happened to the Statue of Liberty, Donny Finkleberk writes a cheque of 50 thousand dollars to the State of Liberty Repair Fund.

Now after all that, ALL that, can you people honestly tell me that G-1 is as infallible as you all seem to think of it? No? Well, I think this review has set a precedence for me to start a new feature here at Dorkswithoutfaces, it's going to be called "Why Generation 1 Sucks", just to piss off Transfans everywhere.

Also, if you want to read these two Transformer comics they are available in reprints available through Titan books. Transformers #3 has been reprinted in Transformers: Beginnings and #23 has been reprinted in Transformers: Showdown. Both books feature the above reviewed stories and other similar insanity, read at your own risk.