Spider-Man, Drugs, and Bicycle Safety.... Nothing Good Can Come From This.Some time ago I did a review of the action packed, fun for the whole family, auto-erotic thriller called Superman Meets the Quick Bunny. In that review I mentioned that it was what the industry like to called a "promotional comic", that is given away for "free". But it does have a cost my young snot nosed little cuntly, it has a price on your soul. It's a free comic because it's trying to sell you something or is chocked full of cross-promotions of products that the advertising revenue alone pays for the shitty news print they ran it off on. Sometimes it's to promote some stupid product that kids will want to consume, other times it's some public service message that warns kids the dangers of drugs. This probably happens when they catch Joe Quesada or Brian Michael Bendis in the next stall with five lines of coke set up on the toilet seat. Case in point is today's little review my poopsies, I present to you the entire set of Spider-Man drug free/bicycle safety comics! What you haven't seen these before? Well chances are if you didn't live in Canada in the 1990's and you gave a shit about comic books, you probably never saw these. Essentially, -- as the story goes --, Marvel Comics did a bunch of drug free and bicycle safety comics starring their ever popular Spider-Man character, and put him in such out-of-place-places as Winnipeg, Fredericton and Calgary. Now I don't know about you kids at home, but there is nothing more exciting about hearing Spider-Man's daring adventures at the Calgary Stampede.. Yee-Haw... But shouldn't like Spider-Man be.. Oh, I don't know... protecting New York City instead of moonlighting in places like Moosejaw and Revel Stoke? Well what a coincidence that you asked that! Because some of Spidey's most famous villains are up in Canada too! Well that certainly makes thing's a LOT more convenient! And what pork lined continuity bandits would Marvel Comics be if they didn't try to fit it in with the regular Spider-Man story line?... sort of... But hey, I'm not here to nit-pick about something as silly as continuity, I'm leaving that to you my portly and acne pitted young squire, for that is your job in society and you do it with much more zest and spirit than I ever will, for my special "I give a shit" gland was lost during the French revolution and as thus, I nary give a single fuck about continuity. As far as mine eyes can tell there were five of these Spider-Man books, two about drugs, the other three about bicycle safety (which as you can obviously tell has much more story telling potential than your average story about drugs) and were printed between the years 1991 & 1993. Now back then it was these few free comic books that made me avid about collecting comics, in hindsight, if I knew what I do know now, it would have made me avid about burning comic books (and mostly to piss off dick-wads who are worried about the "re-sale value". Shut up already, comic books are to be READ, not locked away in a vault you moron. Great enjoyment value, encasing your comic books in a CGS Carbonite case, loser.) Submitted for your approval (or not, I don't really care) I present to you my lovingly written reviews of each of said comics. Join me as we follow Spider-Man on all his amazing adventures north of the boarder. Let's laugh and feel the love and pretend that daddy never tossed us out on the street, because this is about now, this is about Spider-Man in Canada, and this is.. this is... Fuck, I have no idea where I'm going with these things anymore, you know? Pick Your Poison:
The first in a series, think of it like the first issue of Amazing Spider-Man only it's poorly conceived, badly drawn, and near worthless (Amazing Spider-Man #1 nets around $2,000.00 near mint, this particular item nets absolutely dick all according to most comic book shops. The toilet paper in the bathroom has more resale value than this garbage) comic starts off the whole magical Canada adventure for everyone's favorite wall-crawler. In this story he takes a trip to Winnipeg (which you can understand is pretty damn boring, how do you think Spider-Man feels being a guy who's been across the universe?) to stop Electro from dealing drugs to kids that he smuggles across the boarder inside hockey pucks (the guy at customs must have fallen asleep) The only thing that might be considered "good" about this comic is that the cover was drawn by Todd McFairlane... But considering it's not 1995 anymore, who really gives a shit right? Kids if you don't know where I'm going with this, ask your grandpa about when Todd McFairlane drew comic books.
The sequel to the ever popular Skating on Thin Ice. If you thought the first part was exciting (and if you did you ain't no son of mine) this one is ever better. In this story, Spider-Man follows one of the kids from the first book to Fredericton where she gets mixed up with drugs, and the Chameleon! It's a wacky science fair of death that will be sure to have you snoring by the end of the story! For a story that takes place in the Maritimes of Canada, it sure has little at all to do with fishing. See the plight as Spider-Man tries to web swing from two story buildings! Excite to the crappy science fair where nobody knows exactly what the experiments are! Wonder, what the hell kind of drugs are those anyway?
The first of many humiliating forees into the magical land of bicycle safety! It guest stars the Ghost Rider! There's a great role model for children! A flaming demon from hell that rides a motorcycle! Brilliant! This tells the brave tale of a little boy who becomes the victim of a drunk driver who hits and runs. Then realizing that he left a job unfinished goes back to finish off the lad. But of course Spidey and Ghost Rider decide to save the day. I'm a little confused as to if the moral to the story is about bicycle safety or about never leaving a job undone....
So what happens when you take Spider-Man, some lame ass Fantastic Four Villains (The Frightful Four), a dumb ass hero team (The Rangers) put them in Calgary, then throw in bicycle safety and a handicapped girl in a turbine controlled wheelchair? Sounds like a big fucking mess to me, look now if you dare, look at the horror that is... Chaos in Calgary! Like I needed another reason to hate the prairies.
The last (thankfully) of the painful Spider-Man in Canada comics. In this one, Spidey teams up with the Montreal Expos to stop the Green Goblin from ruining the baseball game! Can Eupie and Spidey combine their powers to defeat the ghastly goblin? I don't know, but if there is any one reason why the Montreal Expos had to move down to Washington, this comic is probably it.
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