You know a lot of times when you read something no matter how pointless it can be, you always gain some sort of knowledge from it? A smidgen of information that you didn't know before you read it. I mean I learned a lot about the menstrual cycle reading a book on periods..... Well OK, it was a pamphlet that came with a pack of tampons that my mom bought (Don't judge me I was taking a shit and I needed something to read!!)

Sure in all intents and purposes practical use of this knowledge of tampons was very useless to me, however I learned about the bloody mess women get every month, and forever disturbed myself by picturing my mother using one of those things (See that look on your face right now? That's the one I had when I thought about it.)

There are plenty of pointless things to read that although are pretty damn pointless, are entertaining and fun. The purposeful, but unintentionally hillarious English translation of instructions that came with your computer for example.

But there was one comic book out there that defied all that is useless, it contained a story that was so utterly STUPID that if it accomplished anything, it made you even more stupid than you normally are, and for most people out there, this is definantly not a good thing.

This story was the most idiotic piece of crap ever! The writers of it must be ashamed, because it must have took a real low to write something like this.

The story I am talking about if you haven't figured it out yet, is the shit fest people call: Superman Meets the Quik Bunny. Which was printed on one black day in 1987 as a promotional comic kids got for free after hours of hounding their parents to buy them Nestle Quik.

Now backing up on the writer in question he is a guy named Mike Carlin (no relation to George, I hope) must have had a really bad day to write this piece of crap. His wife must have left him, he probably accidentally ran over his dog, his mortgage foreclosed and he got caught picking up hookers or something. Well if it was the hooker thing then this was probably his punishment for not knowing which hooker was a cop (Kind of like a game show only painful.) The point of this little fantasy is that, you'd have to have had a really shitty day to take a concept: "Take Superman and use him to sell Product A", and turn it into the literary abortion that this comic book is.

The Art by Carmine Infantino and Dick Giordano was terrible, it was like looking at freakish inconsistent drawings of people. Only it wasn't done on purpose, it's bad, sometimes Superman has a Jay Leno chin, other times he has no chin at all! One kid at one point looks like he's Chinese, then the next he looks kind of like Spock in overalls, and in the next he looks like an Inuit. The kid must be from multiple ethnic backgrounds or something.

Real Brain Busters:

The entire story is littered with senseless puzzles and clues that are answered on the following page. Which kind of defeats the purpose of having a puzzle to begin with.

And without the necessities of advertisements (Let's face it the story is the advertisement) you can quickly look over to the next page to find the answer. Its kind of sad though that the writers insult your intelligence by reminding you that the answer is on the previous or next page, not to mention ask you not to look there.

I mean if the reader was really that stupid, if nobody said anything they probably would have never noticed.

Plus on another note that none of the puzzles are really not that challenging, I believe this is because they spent too much time focusing on brainwashing children to drink Nestle Quik than on brain busting difficult quizes or more important things like plot or something.

The Propaganda:

Obviously this is a blatant advertisement for Nestle Quik. But I think I should point out just how often they use Nestle Quik as a solution to their problems.

I think what they were trying to accomplish was getting all the Generation Xers to become Nestle Quik junkies to further their hidden agenda.

What that is, is beyond me, however I can say that you can feel as threatened by the Nestle Quik Agenda about as much as you should feel threatened by the "Homosexual Agenda" or the "Jewish Controlled Media", in that they don't really exist! I will say that that with a motivational speech by the Quik Bunny telling kids they can do anything if they believe in themselves Nestle Quik has unleashed a powerful propaganda tool that the Commies wish they could have dreamed up themselves.

I figure it like this, if you believed what the Quik Bunny told you, then you're listening to him, and that means your will has been broken. You've just sold out to the Nestle corperation. How does it feel, baby killer? Huh? Enjoy your little Nestle Quik dance with Mao and Lennin? And I hope you realize that with your heavy Nestle Quik addiction you are puddy in their hands.

All this time the story distracted you with the Weather Wizard when the whole time the Nestle Quik Bunny was the villain all along, and you were played for a fool!

Here are some merry little phrases uttered that would warp your consumerist little minds into buying Nesetle Quik for you're own consumption:

"I'm going to raid our Qlubhouse Qitchen -- For a nice tall glass of Nestle Quik!"

"C'Mon We're the Quik Qlub -- We're the Best!"

"--Before this bouncing around turns us into a Quik Qlub thick shake!"

Quik Bunny's Pearls of Wisdom

Quik Bunny Logic #1:

When a super-villan is in town wrecking the place it is a good idea to send four children to their deaths trying to stop them.

Quik Bunny Logic #2:

Motivational speeches that are redundant and really don't apply to anything specific is the key to success. If I can believe I can light on fire, and I really believe it, then you better Goddamn well believe I can do it!

Quik Bunny Logic #3:

We almost got ourselves killed several times today, lets compromise Superman's saving abilities once more and leap head long into danger.

I should also point out that the Quik Bunny also drinks Nestle Quik to make those leader type decisions, or do anything the least bit daring. And before hand he's always really tired. It's a sure sign that he's some sort of Nestle Quik junkie that needs his fix in order to operate properly or do something stupid (Like jumping out of a club house suspended in the middle of a tornado and dart around an idiot in green spandex trying to zap you with lightning.), either that, or it's a sure fire sign that the Quik Bunny is quite possibly a diabetic, which considering the amount of Nestle Quik he drinks, that's not a big surprise.

The Brilliant Plot:

So lets do a little recap of the plot. Superman is on the heels of the Weather Wizard (Who is not even a Superman Villain as far as I know, and he's a pretty sad villain at that)

When Superman hits a little bit of trouble a bunch of politically correct children in a magical club house with the Quik Bunny come to the rescue. And for some reason Superman suffers from retard syndrome whenever the kids are around and cannot capture a villain he could normally punch through a wall or something.

Let's check the record for the people keeping score at home: Superman is the last son of Krypton, the energy he needs for his super-powers come from the sun. He's almost invincible, has heat vision, x-ray vision, super speed and he can defy gravity. Being frozen in a block of ice, or having a chance of showers roll in and ruin his picnic are not things that are going to prevent him from kicking the living shit out of you if he wanted to. But alas, this story takes over six decades (at the time it was written) of mythology and go "Yeah, we're going to iignore that and have him get saved by a bunch of kids and a talking rabbit who's addicted to chocolate milk."

But not just any kids, these kids are ethnically diverse! there's Ronnie the undetermined atlantian/vulcan/Chinese/Inuit kid, who knows "Everything about Geography", Patty who apparently knows a lot about science because she's in the science club at school, Miguel the Hispanic kid who can speak any language (And soon progressed to make the Fat Chicks in Party Hats Web site) and of course our white trash Maureen the computer geek (And if you wanted me to give this story and belivability, you just wizzed it down your leg by making the computer geek a girl.)

These kids who are Quik addicts built a tree house that can do things that are impossible as far as technology goes (I figure this is some sort of Quik induced hallucination making these children think they are flying.)

Anyway they blunder a bunch of Superman's attempts to stop the Weather Wizard with their stupid puzzles and really screwy logic and sharp detective skills (And when I say sharp, I mean they are as effective as trying to cut your wrists with a plastic butter knife.)

Then for no reason, Superman is seen fighting a mummy, that has no real body under all that ribbon.

A Humiliating Defeat:

I think the saddest thing about this whole affair is that they make the Weather Wizard look like even more of a pathetic character (If you can believe that.) The poor dope is duped into zapping himself with his own lighting by shooting it at a metal Quik Bunny statue (which is a must have for any Nestle Quik enthusiast) and then Superman replaces his magic wand with a straw.

Superman even calls him a bum, which as far as I can tell is totally out of character. Superman is the type of fairy who gets choked up enough to start sobbing whenever Jimmy Olson threatens to take his signal watch off, he's not in the habbit of using extreme language like "bum" in his vocabulary (Batman however... Will ask you if you're retarded.)

I think this is the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life.

The story leaves us with only one important lesson, that the only person who loves Nestle Quik more than that doped up Quik Bunny is you.

Wait a second !?! --- That's not a lesson, that's just advertisement! This whole god damned thing has been one big advertisement (Note to all those who don't comprehend sarcasm: I knew this before I even read the damn thing.)

All in all of all the free promotional comics I've read or even gotten (And this includes all those Spider-Man drug free/bicycle safety ones too) this has to be the worst one I've ever read.

Like I said above, I've actually dropped in intelligence reading this thing, I am lucky if I can still take a shit without help after reading it.

Read it with caution for it will ruin your life in ways you could only dream up in your worst nightmares. So if you ever come across this nugget of literary mistakes, I advise you to put it back on the shelf and leave it at the misbegotten comic book shop you found it in. The fact that its still in a comic shop should tell you something about it.