Fucking Comics - Superman's Girlfriend is Fucking Psycho

Lois Lane, Super-Chef (From Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #1):

The Plot: When Lois hears Mr. Romance, the Daily Planets romance columnist, telling a woman that the best way to win a man over is to cook him a good meal, Lois decides she wants to cook for Superman. She figures the best way to do this is to take a leave of absence from the Planet and take up the job of cook at Dick's Diner, where the owner/cook Dick Morgan (a name that probably is more in line with "porn star" than"safe food handling" but I digress...) is in the hospital.

Lois then spends her time making Superman themed meals to try and entice Superman into coming. Because apparently the best way to win a guy over is to name a plate of pancakes after him and sculpt ice cream statues of the guy. But of course, it's always business before pleasure for Superman and he usually ends up having to save the day which -- irony of ironies -- usually ends up leaving

Did you really want us to answer that one?

Lois' meals uneaten or utterly ruined. You know you're a bad cook when your suitor would rather fly into outer space with a tub of ice cream then eat your own food.

Nurse Em's Prognosis: Separation Anxiety Disorder - Is Lois Lane's kink in this story according to our Nurse Em. Looking it up on Wikipedia, I learned many fun things about Separation Anxiety Disorder. What it all boils down to is the fear of separation from the subject of their attachment. In this case, of course Lois Lane's fear of being separated or losing Superman. So in order to try and win him over and keep him there she's going to insane lengths (IE, quitting her fucking successful job to work at a diner to cook elaborate meals for him) to keep him around.

And what better way to punctuate Lois Lane's separation anxiety with the climax of the story where Superman flies away save people from being killed by a volcano, and all Lois can do is cry over the fact he didn't eat any fucking soup!

Sometimes saving the world is more important than soup.

Superman's Forbidden Room (From Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #2, June 1958):

The Plot: Daily Planet elevator operator Dan Jones is not exactly on the up and up, given that he's really in league with a bunch of crooks. For whatever flawed reasons, they decide it's a good idea to fuck with Lois Lane by having Dan pose as Superman in order to trick her into thinking that Dan is really the Man of Steel. Eventually Lois catches on and turns Dan over to the police after she figures out he's not really Superman and that he's really been trying to trick her into opening a safe with some evidence.

Okay, So What's the Deal? That Sounds Pretty Normal: Sure it does, but early in the story, Lois enters Dan's apartment to visit and there's a note that says "Whatever you do, don't go into the room with the gold door." It's clearly labeled "Keep Out" and yet she still goes right on in to take a peek. Now granted, it's natural human curiosity here and in the end it's all a big hoax, but I figure for a guy who brings dangerous shit home from the farthest reaches of the universe is probably somebody you should listen to when they tell you not to go into a room. Of course, the room is just full of souvenirs worshiping

This isn't the first time she's ripped open a guys shirt shouting "AH HA! I CAUGHT YOU SUPERMAN!" People HAVE to be fucking with her now.

Lois Lane, and it's entire purpose is to gain Lois' trust so they can trick her later. But what's absolutely flabbergasting, is the fact that she fucking believes it right off the cuff. Here's a guy who's pants -- or tights if you will -- you've been trying to get into, and all of a sudden there is no resistance? There's a secret shrine of love? That's a bit thick don't you think?

Nurse Em's Prognosis: Grandiose Delusion (AKA narcissism, AKA megalomania, AKA Jimmy the Squid) - For those of you who can't figure out what narcissism is, it's the need to be fucking idolized by everybody because you think you are the best. Wikipedia says that some of the surefire signs that you are suffering from Grandiose Delusion is that you are preoccupied with fantasies of ideal love, requires excessive admiration, and that they believe they are "special" or unique. The fact that the shrine worshiping Lois in this story was created by somebody else isn't the issue here, it's the fact that Lois came to expect that sort of thing to exist in the first place and has the belief that Superman (her ideal love) would be the one to create it.

Coming soon to Harlequin magazine, the romantic writings of Superman.

Lois Lane In Hollywood (From Lois Lane #2):

The Plot: Hollywood has decided they want to make a movie based on the real life adventures of Superman (and if it's anything like the real worlds adaptations of Superman's fictional adventures, then they should not even bother!) and have decided to hire the real Clark Kent, Perry White, Jimmy Olson and Superman for their roles. Because apparently there is nobody in 1950's Hollywood that could be more attractive than these band of doofuses to fill their roles apparently. The only person who can't play her own role is of course Lois Lane. Why? Because according to the director she cannot register jealousy, anger, fear, or heartbreak. Ouch. So instead of Lois playing herself in the movie, they hire Gilda Glamarr, an actress who's ancestors really could have used a Webster's Dictionary.

So What Happens?: Well naturally, Lois Lane is pissed off, how dare they not include her in the film? How dare they make her play the stand-in under the hot lights for hours on end! Then things start to go wrong, a prop gun is loaded with real bullets,

I guess this is one of those rare days when Lois actually took her medication!

Lois falls in on a scene and lands in wet cement, she ends up sending a mechanical lion (!?) on a berserk frenzy across the movie set. And everybody begins to blame Lois Lane for trying to sabotage the movie set.

And How Does it All End?: Well it turns out that it's all a series of complex plots by Superman to capture Lois expressing the emotions that the director thought she was incapable of expressing, so that they can fire the actress playing her part and use the real Lois Lane in the movie. Now you all might think that's sweet, but hey you've been reading along with this shit and you probably know just as well as I do that if Superman wasn't dicking around like that, Lois probably would be trying to sabotage the movie set anyway. The fact that Superman had to do all this shows that perhaps Lois has some deep rooted problems and it's probably better for everyone if they just avoid dealing with the problem by making sure that Lois gets her own way.... Even if through a series of complex schemes orchestrated by a guy who would be better spending his time preventing

meteors from hitting the Earth than starring in a fucking movie about his real life.

Nurse Em's Prognosis: Anger Management Issues - That's the problem with this one, upon further research done by Nurse Em and myself (thanks again Wikipedia) would suggest that dear Lois, dear fucked out of her mind Lois, would be exhibiting anger management issues that are common with people that show signs of passive anger. In this story alone, Lois pretty much runs the gamut of symptoms for this problem, from secretive behavior, manipulation, self-blame, self-sacrifice, ineffectualness, dispassion, obsessive behavior and evasiveness. All because she wasn't picked for a film role.

Is anybody surprised by this? Honestly?

The Rainbow Superman (From Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #3 August 1958):

The Plot: One day while Superman is flying around in space he punches a multicolored meteor that when exposed to light causes Superman to glow wacky rainbow colors (hey don't look at me to explain that one), and brilliant guy that the Man of Steel is, he uses a fragment of this meteor to fashion a compact mirror for Lois when her mirror breaks. Care to guess what happens? That's right folks, every time Lois opens her compact, Superman starts to glow, no matter if he's dressed up as Superman or Clark Kent. Through the course of the whole episode, Superman is busy trying to find ways to make Lois avoid looking in her mirror until the effect of the rainbow glowing wears off.

So How is Lois Lane Crazy For This?: At the risk of making fun of the vanity of women, Lois Lane is way too fucking concerned about her appearance. Oh sure

Superman: Enabler.

the story is written with major coincidences that require Lois to look at her compact mirror, but you know we're in for some trouble if Superman is deducing when Lois is going to open the damn thing up and take a look at herself. Through the course of the story Supes has to find different ways to prevent Lois from fussing in front of that mirror four times, this is on top of the three or four times she opens it during the course of the whole day. The fact that Superman just doesn't take the fucking mirror away and smash it says a lot about how you really ought to not fuck with Lois Lane's vanity.

Nurse Em's Prognosis: Nurse Em was hard pressed to narrow this one down, because sometimes it's hard to tell. Obviously there is some sort of vanity issue, possibly stemming from low-self esteem or if you want to tack on a personality disorder, Em suggests that it could possibly be Histrionic Personality Disorder (again), and I figure the culprit is good old narcissism. What it all boils down to, Lois, is stop looking at yourself in the fucking mirror! You look fine! STOP IT!

She's making out with a statue of you and your primary worry is that her lipstick is going to smudge?

The Man Who Was Clark Kent's Double (From Lois Lane #3):

The Plot: Lois Lane and Clark Kent go to the town of Hadley to investigate reports of a modern day Robin Hood who steals from the rich and gives to the poor. Upon arriving, Lois meets Mark Benton who looks like Clark Kent but doesn't act like a total puss. This apparently is enough for Lois to fall madly in love with him. While interviewing the towns people they also meet the towns richest man Ronald Van Horton, who hates the "Robin Hood". When Lois, Clark and Mark go to a costume party, Lois begins suspecting that Mark is really the Robin Hood character and begins trying to find out the truth. However, when Mark realizes what Lois is up to he assumes that she was only interested in him for the story, and reveals that he was not only in love with her, but also secretly Ronald Van Horton. Crushed, Lois returns to Metropolis to write her story.

What Hell is Wrong With Lois Now?: Well first of all, she falls instantly in

Lois, I think you're losing your objectivity while working on this story...
love who looks exactly like a guy she has no romantic interest in (although if he took off his glasses...) because he acts tough? And we're not talking that "honeymoon" feeling you get in a new relationship either, we're talking

psycho, coo-coo crazy love. At one point she's writing "Mark and Lois! Lois Loves Mark! Mark Loves Lois! Mrs. Lois Benton" on her typewriter instead of actually typing the story she has to write. And that's after having one dinner date with the guy. All that after one evening? I'm sure if the guy in question knew about that bit of insanity, or that a grown woman would be playing "he loves me/he loves me not" with a flower afterworlds might want to make you reconsider deciding to marry them. I mean there's love at first sight, but I think Lois was one step away from sending him dirty telegrams (it is 1958, text messages haven't been invented yet) and calling his home all hours of the day to see what he's thinking about.

Nurse Em's Prognosis: Nurse Em figures that this is a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder dealing with obsessive love. The idea that your obsessively writing mushy love crap after one date with the guy pretty much says either one of two things: A.) You're still in high school and that's okay you'll get over it, or B.) You're a grown woman who is fucking obsessed!

And why would a flower lie to you buttercup?

Lois Lane and the Baby of Steel (From Lois Lane #3... Again.):

The Plot: In this story, Lois Lane and Clark Kent go to the Smallville orphanage, and suddenly Clark realizes that they might come across evidence that will link him to Superman, and so he travels back in time to destroy the evidence. However, somebody at DC Comics must have briefly glossed through a physics text book because they decided to use the old "same mater can't occupy the same space and time" routine to explain how a baby Superman having to be watched over by Lois Lane. Lois finding the Superbaby in the orphanage decides to exploit the young boys super-powers in order to score exclusive news scoops (Which I believe is the 1950's version of those exclusive news stories about how plastic bottles can kill you or something...)

Child Exploitation: Super powers not withstanding (And how somebody can raise a baby with super strength, x-ray vision and the ability to fly without getting themselves smashed into paste or vaporized is beyond me) there is something

The fact that Lois is thinking this is actually rather disturbing.
very wrong with Lois Lane using a baby to advance her career in journalism. Bringing him a desert cave full of rattle snakes, taking him on defective carnival rides, and trespassing on private property in order to spy on royalty in order to get pictures aren't exactly the best places to bring a child. Then after all her trouble (and an unsuccessful attempt at spanking Superbaby for smashing through a cookie jar) she openly tells this kid that because of him, the day has been the worst day of her life.

Bonus Crazy: When all's put right and the grown-up Superman returns from the past, Lois returns to the Daily Planet building to find Clark Kent hanging out there dressed up like a baby....

Nurse Em's Prognosis: Em says "Not a mental disorder there, but still pretty fucked up!" When we started considering maybe this is some kind of problem for somebody raising a child (like Postnatal Depression or something...) but when we boiled it down, there really isn't any particular disorder for somebody who does this sort of thing with a kid that isn't even their own. Put simply though, Lois Lane is just downright insane for doing this. No fancy medical definitions and half assed research and Wikipedia skimming here, we think she's just normal crazy.

Superman takes the baby fetish to new and disturbing levels by actually bringing his past-baby self for discipline.

 

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