 Fucking Comics: Image Isn't Everything
Exhibit A: Spawn #4
Who/What/Where/When?: Spawn #4 was originally published in September of 1992, the writing, penciling and inks were all done by Todd McFarlane himself. If you want to give this one a read, you can either pick up the back issue (which right now, unless it's a CGC appraised comic it'll go for $6.00, which is laughable because back when Spawn was mega popular, the first five issues would go for $100 each, easy, and this was back before the CGC existed.) or, if you're economic (read: smart) you can get it in a collected volume. McFarlane has since reprinted most of the Spawn run in "Spawn Archive" editions, that are much like Marvel's "Essentials" and DC's "Showcase Presents" book... only in color.
So For This To Make Some Sense, What the Fuck Do I Have to Know About This?: Well the plot to Spawn is simple (since it's writing is akin to a 13 year olds fan-fic), Spawn used to be a hired assassin named Al Simmons who was betrayed by his bosses and killed. He naturally goes to hell where he makes a deal with the devil (or Malebolgia as he's called in this series, if you care to know) because he really loves his wife and wants to see her again. The devil, crafty bastard that he is, abides by Al's request but it's also a trick. He sends him five years into the future, puts him in a new horribly burned white body (Al's black you see...) and gives him hell's own version of a bondage outfit and gives him super powers. As Spawn, Al finds out that his wife is happily remarried and has a kid and he's got dick all, so now he's trying to figure out what to make of himself while tracking down the Violator, a demon from hell that's been on a killing spree. That's where this issue picks up....
So What Happens?: Well most of the issue is Spawn and Violator fighting each other and exchanging witty retorts while violently hurting each other. Malebolgia appears and explains to them (and the readers because by this point nobody knows what the fuck is going on.) that Spawn has been tricked into doing the devil's work: Essentially, Malebolgia wants to wage war against heaven, and needs a lot of really good evil people to do the job. So he's set-up Spawn, apparently the best killer of them all, to either dispatch crooks and criminals and kill them -- thereby increasing the devil's army, or use up all his limited powers and die again only to be returned to Hell to serve in said army. Then he punishes the Violator for going on a murder spree instead of mentoring Spawn, and traps him on Earth in his mortal guise of "The Clown." The story ends with Spawn wandering around trying to figure out his purpose and his ex-wife Wanda waking up from having a bad dream about him.
Critique Time!: Oh how I'm going to enjoy savaging this one, the entire story reads like the angst filled writings of a goth kid who thinks they have a perchance for writing. You know the type I'm talking about here, the ones that  will go on about how they are anti-religion but all of their creativity centers around blatant religious subjects, usually having somebody fighting either for/or against the devil, against their will, because you know, they don't believe in God.. blah blah blah. Well that's what reading this is like... But allow me to get a little more specific my friends: It's now time for the moment you've all be waiting for, the part of the review where I totally pick something apart:
Dedicated to the Memory of Joe Shuster: All the early issues of Spawn were always dedicated to somebody. It gives my "angst filled goth" analogy when referring to Todd's writing skill a lot more validity I think. Anyway, this issue he dedicates to Joe Shuster. That's right friends, Todd McFarlane dedicates this issue of Spawn to Joe Shuster. Joe Shuster, for those of you who don't know is one of the co-creators of Superman. This issue came out about two months after Joe's death in 1992. I'm sure that ol' Joe, who was Jewish, would have been very honored to have a Christian themed comic book dedicated to him. And I'm sure he'd be thrilled with the content of that, I mean, this guy did come up with Superman in the 30's, I'm sure there is a lot about having a comic book dedicated to him wherein it features a demon holding a human heart in it's hands on the front splash-page a little more than offensive.
Bad, bad, bad dialogue: The dialogue in this issue of Spawn is possibly some of the worst I've read in my life, it reads like a bad action movie. With lines like "Let's try that again. But this time, try and do some real damage." after Spawn gets his heart ripped out, or "I believe this belongs to me" when he's picking it up off the ground. In fact, if I were to go to any great length to explain just how bad the dialogue in this issue is, I'd probably be better off just scanning all the pages and putting them up on my website instead, because I can't find a single decent shred of dialogue that doesn't reek of pure crap.
Repetition is the key to comedy, not plot building: Now on top of the bad dialogue, there is so much repetition of phrases in this, it reads like a broken record. If you want a modern equivalent, pick up any issue of Frank Miller's last Batman run and you'll get an idea. If you want page after page of Violator screaming "But, you're human you can't be this strong!" and Spawn going "I don't care about your problems, I have no past" in as many variations as you can think of delivering these lines, then this is the issue to pick up because on top of page after page of filler, that's what you get stuck with in this stinker.
Lots and lots of filler: Now you can tell that as far as telling a story goes, Todd is only good at providing visuals, and it comes out with the fact that there is hardly any plot or character development in the issue until the very end, and that's all crammed into one page. It's no surprise how Spawn's "origin" story has drawn out to four issues so far to explain what's really a simple concept (I mean, fuck, I explained it all in one paragraph above) This issue has gratuitous use of single and double page splashes, all with minimal dialogue in between. It's filler plain and simple and it also identifies one of Todd's short-comings as an artist.. Which I'll get into below.
 Almost Zero Backgrounds: Todd McFarlane, as well as just about everyone who signed up for Image, all had one major flaw when it came to their work: Lack of backgrounds. If you want me to get really critical about the art, it looks like they're fighting in limbo the entire issue because most of the backgrounds are opaque, or full of motion or action lines. In fact, if this was the first issue you picked up, and you were trying to figure out where it was taking place, you wouldn't even figure out the basic setting (an alley) until page 10 of the story, because up until then there is no point of reference of where the hell they are fighting. One of the huge shortcomings of McFarlane's art is the fact that he couldn't draw fucking backgrounds unless he was drawing a splash page that took up one or two pages, and even then, he would only put in a minimal effort.
And Now Here's Satan With Some Exposition: I was not joking when I said that there is no plot or character building until close to the end of the issue. For three issues, it's been Spawn walking around going "Oh me, oh my, I am so tormented because all of this shit has happened and I don't know why!" and the Violator (for just as mysterious purposes) is going around killing people. Then this issue comes up and the first 13 pages of the issue are devoted to an all-filler battle between Spawn and Violator, full of bad dialogue that doesn't contribute to the plot. It's not until page 14 when Malebolgia finally appears and goes into huge detail about what's going on, most of the really important plot points are actually crammed into one fucking page. Hey, let's not explain things with a combination o f visuals and text like a good comic book would have, but let's just have three issues of mindless action and mysteries until the audience is thoroughly confused and then fucking cram in most of the answers in one page. Not exactly a very good pay-off, in fact it's a fucking awful delivery.
There should be one hard and fast rule about comic books: If you're book is going to be anything above a pile of shit, and I don't care how fucking basic your plot is, you're supposed to be delivering your story two fold: both visually and with text. The two are supposed to fucking work together. Todd McFarlane obviously has a huge fucking problem balancing the two, he goes from one extreme (all visual and no plot) to the other (bunch of text, minimal drawing.) Which makes you guilty of two things: Being a bad fucking writer/artist, and/or padding things out longer than they should in an attempt to bilk the reader into buying more of your story.
You Call That A Cliffhanger?: The ending to this issue, ending with Wanda waking up after having a bad dream about her late husband is an off kilter ending to the story. I mean, here you have this whole thing where you reveal a lot of the foundation for the Spawn series, and you end it with a minor-character having a bad dream, which (if you bothered to read Spawn after the fact) really had little bearing on how the plot eventually progressed, it's a pretty weak way to end things off. So after a huge bout of exposition how do you end your issue? Plugging other Image characters (Savage Dragon and Young Blood) and ending it with a character waking up from a bad dream. That really makes me excited for the next issue. It really does. Here's a little hint out there to aspiring comic book writers: When you're going for an ongoing "mystery" story where you want a reader to stick around for as long as possible and keep reading your book, end each issue with a hook to have them pick up next issue. Or fuck, if it's the end of a story-arc hype up the next one. This issue ends with a whole fucking lot of nothing. Why the hell would I want to read the next issue of Spawn if you don't give me a reason to want too?
Where Is Spawn Today?: Believe it or not, even though the hype is now dead (I'd say Spawn's popularity peaked in 1997) Spawn has continued publication for 16 years, Todd McFarlane has made a bajillion dollars on it. He eventually stopped drawing Spawn, Greg Capullo would take over the art duties of the title and Todd kept on writing. Admittedly, I can recollect his stories got a little better (I'd have to go back and re-read them, but frankly, I couldn't be bothered) and he continued to write (or co-write) each issue up until #150. He's left spin-off titles go into the hands of other (more accomplished) writers and artists as well. I'd have to say though, if Image wasn't hyped in Wizard, and Todd wasn't previously a popular artist from doing Spider-Man for Marvel, Spawn probably would have flopped big time. People would have caught on that it was a shitty story (and hardly original) and that the art was uninspiring and as bland as the writing. I suppose if I were to make a positive comment about the whole thing, at least Todd ended up making a shit load of money off a stupid idea and was able to hired talented writers and artists to at least make it readable. I wouldn't pick up an issue of Spawn ever again, even if you threatened to cut my dick off and feed it to a wild pig. But I'm sure there are some mouth breathers out there who still find this crap entertaining.
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