Fucking Comics: The Human Torch

Strange Tales #130 - "The Human Torch and the Ever-Lovin' Thing Meet the Beatles!"

When somebody looks back at all the great stories that Stan Lee wrote during his tenure at Marvel, one can't help but look at the great milestone moments that he helped usher in. Stan Lee helped create the Fantastic Four, Spider-Man, the X-Men, and the Hulk amung others. He was responsible for creating villians such as Dr. Doom, threatened the Earths destruction by the planet devouring Galactus, he realize the softer side of a monster known as the Hulk, he killed Gwen Stacy, and he also introduced the Human Torch to the Beatles.

No, that isn't your imagination, it really happened, the Human Torch and the Thing truly met the Beatles.You know it's a slow day at the "House of Ideas" when Stan "The Man" Lee takes a moment away from his regular schedule and decides to write a bit of musical-fan-boy-masturbation and have his characters meet the popular musicians of the time.

Were kids all that excitable about the Beatles? I mean come on, my mother probably would have dropped in a dead faint seeing drawings of the Beatles if she bought the comic back then I guess, but I really don't see a kid (who's only concerns are probably playing marbles, watching Roger Ramjet and perhaps playing cowboys and indians) getting all that excitable about his favorite comic book heroes meeting the Beatles, but I digress.

So our story begins with the usual "Thing and the Human Torch get into a squabble, break a bunch of things, Reed Richards yells 'Don't horse around boys you'll break something' while Sue Richards goes 'Oh Reed, I'm so feminine and emotional!' and then have to clean up their mess" plot opener, when we cut to the Dorrie Day and Alicia Masters (The Torch and Things girlfriends) who just discover that the Beatles are playing in town, the two gush about how great the show is when they see the Fab Four walk past them (Because this is the foregone age where musicians like the Beatles can walk around without body guards, nope sir, they sure weren't chased by women all over the place when they were popular back in the 60's, no sir.) They then decide to buy tickets for themselves and their respective boyfriends before the concert sells out.

So the boys are coaxed into going out to the Beatles show (And I can mirror the Things lack of enthusiasem over the idea, that is until his blind girlfriend talks him into going) the two use their powers to cut ahead of everyone else and go in through a back door, where the girls oggle and get autographs from the Beatles.

I'm left to wonder why there isn't any security at this show, I find it impossible to believe! Is Stan trying to tell me that a guy made of stone, another who can burst into flame, a blind woman and a rich snob can just waltz into the back door of a concert hall and accaust the famious musicians and beg them for autographs without any sort of resistance?

Well apparently the lack of security is exploited because as the Torch and Thing are exchanging quips while the girls get autographs some crooks make off with the payroll for the show, the manager telling the Beatles that they cannot be paid for their performance. Apparently this doesn't phase them since they decide to play. This must be some sort of bizzaro universe where musicians play for free and money is not an issue, I mean, come on! I don't think the Beatles would have flown all the way from London to New York to play for free.

Anyway, the Torch and Thing decide to go and save the day, chase the crooks to an amusement park, bungle up catching the crooks a whole bunch of times and then finally catch them only to return to the show to get mowed down by a crowd of fans who can only shout "WOW WHAT A SHOW!" as they exit.

Yes, add insult to injury, the Torch and Thing risk their necks to get the money back and they still didn't get to see the show. If that's not enough of a down note for you, the boys are asked to bring their dates to dinner and they still have to fix the mess they left at headquarters.

With such a bleak ending like that, it makes the end to Amazing Fantasy #15 (Where Spider-Man catches the crook who shot his Uncle Ben learns that with great power comes great blah blah blah...) Sound like a story that ends with "And they lived happily ever after!"

After reading all that, I wonder what the point of having the Beatles in the story is other than the fact that Stan really liked the Beatles (I guess). I mean, the "Fab Four" occupied a few pannels, they didn't say anything and they weren't really all that important to the plot other than the fact that they were robbed and didn't seem at all bothered by it.

Other than the basic "We have to stop those robbers" the story is not at all that unique by any stretch of the imagination and definately not worth the boast of being an "off-beat" story. And if this is what the people at Marvel "knocked outselves out to make this one different!", I wonder how much worse the other ideas they had were, because honestly if this was the best they could have come up with they should have stayed in a coma after knocking themselves out.

Reading this story, I'm also left to wonder if the Beatles are aware that this comic was ever made? Do they get any royalties? I don't see anything in the copyright page.

Anyway, this isn't the first time Stan had to rub himself a Beatles-sized-Chubby either, there are a few Spider-Man where people would constantly compare dancing and music to the Beatles, and there is one issue of the Fantastic Four where the Thing buys himself a "Beatles" wig and wears it so he can look more "normal" (apparently), it's all a sign of the times I know, but it doesn't change the fact that at the end of the day you put the book down and go "What the fuck?"

I mean, could you imagine if Brian Michael Bendis decided to scrap his story about monkey sex in favor of writing up a yarn about how the New Avengers meet some lame ass band like Nickleback? Or if Alan Moore took his popular characters from both V for Vendetta and the Watchmen and have them meet Christina Agulaira? I mean, Alan Moore would have to be fucking nuts to do something like that.. Oh wait a second.. He is pretty fucking nutty... Okay, bad example.

The point is... Is... Well I have no point to make except for the obvious fact that it all sucked.

However, I am optioning an idea to Marvel right now as we speak. I think an excellent "reinventing" idea of putting popular musicians in a comic story would be to have the Marvel character Man-Thing become strongly involved with the Raver scene and you can have cameo apparances by DJ's that only the most drug-addled angst-filled teenagers with glow sticks would be able to identify, in fact I also plan on collaborating with Walter Koenig to revive his character Raver and do a story called Raver at the Rave, in which Raver goes to a Rave and has to dive into his parallel Raver-Land-Whatchma-doo and punch some monsters in the face!

Well, that about finishes up our first edition of Fucking Comics, If you want to put yourself through cruel and unusual punishment and read the above mentioned Strange Tales comics (And more!) you can either scrape up the equivilant amount of money to bankroll a small African nation (so, ask Bono from U2 for a loan) and buy the originals, or you can save yourself a lot of headaches (because some anal-retentive bastard probably has them all vaccum sealed in plastic) you can get a collected volume published by Marvel Comics called The Essential Human Torch Volume 1, it's cost you about 20 bucks and it's available at all fine bookstores that operate under a system of corporate greed.

Ciaos!