Fucking Comics: The Human Torch

The easiest way to write this thing is to start with the foes that the Torch fought in his early adventures. I've omited all the characters who became regular recurring characters, with a few exceptions. Let's get started shall we?

The Destroyer:

The Torch's first solo adventure, printed in Strange Tales #101, had the Torch going up against a character named the Destroyer. Now when you conjure up the name "The Destroyer", you expect something grand right? Like somone you take seriously, at least, as seriously as you can take a guy who runs around in spandex that is. But of course, if he could bend you over backwords and shit down your throat while savagely attacking your genitals with the power cosmic, it's probably best not to laugh at his faggy spandex costume if you know what's good for you.

But, you were looking for that in this comic book story, I'm afraid you're going to be sorely disappointed.

Huhhhh... So now I have to explain this guy is all about, and I swear I'm not making this up. You know what I'm going to skip the written description for the moment and show you a picture of our happy little guy:

So yeah, he's wearing a gas mask and what I can only figure to be a trash-bag for a costume, and oh look, a gun. Real menacing. So what, a germaphobe is supposed to be scary or something?

So what the heck is the Destroyers plot? Well the guy is apparently working for the communists (This will be a reoccuring theme with most Marvel stories of the early 60's, beware the Red Menace and all that!) and he begins sabotaging the construction site of an amusement park, because patrons at the park will see the Communist sub that is off the water when riding the roller coaster. The Torch gets involved and tries to learn the identity of the Destroyer.

The question I want to know is, wouldn't the people building the amusement park notice a Communist sub at shore before anyone attending the amusement park would? I mean it's not that inconspicuious just sitting there. And why not just move the fucking sub? I mean, why bring all that attention to yourself trying to sabatage some stupid amusement park when you could just move your sub up the shore to a less noticable spot.

Anyway, even if this is the Torch's first solo adventure, you know you suck as a super-hero when your enemy manages to best you with a bucket of water. No joke. He tracks the Destroyer to a cabin and just as he's peeking through a window they dump a bucket of water on him.

But if you thought the Torch fucking retarded by being bested by a bucket of water, the Destroyer attacks him in a trash-bag costume and a pistol. The Torch of course melts the gun in his hand with a fire-ball. Now I don't know about those of you reading this at home, but if you're going to go out of your way to challange a super-hero that uses fire as a gimmic, you really ought to invest in some gear that might be a little more durable to flame? Well needless to say, the Destroyer gets his ass handed to him, and it turns out he's the guy who runs the local news paper (GASP!) So the best place they could stick some lame ass sleeper agent was a local news paper? Uh, if you were going to infiltrate a democratic nation and your best way of amassing information is through a news paper, then you'd be better off getting your undercover guy a less important job and just have him buy a newspaper for you? Or how about get a subscription to a newspaper? Or get someone to steal the one off the Johnson's porch first thing in the morning!?

Extra Gay Alert:

The beginning of this tale we learn about how the Human Torch wishes to keep his identity secret, the editors of Strange Tales decided that they had to put a note on the first page that reads:

"Editor's Note: Four of Johnny's schoolmates DID know his secret identity, but they graduated high school last term! Now one of them is in the army, two are away at college, and the fourth is working in Chicago! All have been sworn to secrecy!"

I have no idea why they tell us this, I'm sure that four of Johnny's friends knowing that he was the Human Torch could be "exciting" if you had them as supporting characters, but as the note implies these characters are not around to round out the cast in this story at any point in the 70 odd years since the story was originally published, so did they really need to write that? What the fuck is the point? I'm sure all the "frantic" readers at the time didn't have their pulse "pounding" over that information, did kids in the sixties get excited about that sort of shit?