Fucking Comics: The Human Torch

Welcome to a new regular feature (well, when I say "regular" I mean chances are the next time I write about comics it'll probably be under this title) here at Dorkswithoutfaces. Fucking Comics. Fucking Comics takes a look at the more retarded side of comic books.

Not surprising that since comics first appeared in the 1930's there has been a lot of retarded shit published in the years that follow, one need only look at Pre-Crisis DC comics, or anything that Rob Liefield produced all by his lonesome (Which to some is the comic book equivilant to publishing used toilet paper.)

So we're going to take a look at some of the most stupid comics I could dig up. What we're going to call this regular feature Fucking Comics. Why? Because well, where else would you expect that sort of thing?

Today we're going to take a look at the solo adventures of the Human Torch, of the Fantastic Four (If you don't read comics you should at least know they made that shitty movie based on the comic with Jessica Alba, playing the role of a skinny skank with no acting ability in spandex.)

These stories were originally published back in the 1960's in a title called Strange Tales. At the time, Marvel comics was mostly known for printing science fiction stories up until the resurgance in popularity of the ever popular super-hero at the start of the 60's. Eventually, Marvels sci-fi titles (Strange Tales, Journey into Mystery, Tales of Suspense and Tales to Astonish) were invaded with stories about super-heroes and were eventually renamed after the heroes who became recurring characters in the titles (Strange Tales became Dr. Strange, Journey into Mystery to the Mighty Thor, Tales to Astonish was split into two titles, Iron Man and Captain America, and finally Tales of Suspense became the Incredible Hulk)... I'm getting way off subject with the history lesson here, so I'll get right to the point...

In the period where super-heroes were becoming the dominant story being told in the monthlies, Strange Tales went from having only strange sci-fi stories, and began printing solo tales of the Human Torch along with them. Later, as Marvel created more heroes, the title eventually ditched sci-fi characters with the addition to Dr. Strange (who took over the entire title.)

The stories followed the adventures of a young naive Human Torch, who was a teenaged hot-head (pardon the pun) who enjoyed fast cars and looked like Arch Hall Jr. and wore fashions that were 10 years out of style (plaid pants and sweater vests? Get out of here!)

One of the funnier things about the early parts of this story was that the Human Torch tried to hide his identity. Hey, newsflash for you brainiac: You're a blond haired kid who can burst into flames and you don't wear a mask and you are part of a super-hero team that makes no attempt to conceal their identities. It's kind of hard to keep your identity secret when you're living under these conditions.

Anyway, now even though the early Marvel titles were Cold War crazy and not exactly the most scientificly sound stories, when you compared them to the competition (namely DC Comics) at least the stories were somewhat intelligent? Right? Well most of the time.

Case in point, the Human Torch stories, often off-beat, but also usually really stupid. Today we're going to take a look at some of the more retarded tales that were contained within.

Let's take a look shall we?