Aww Fuck, Do I Have To Get Into the Back Story Here?:

Not that this series was hard to follow by any stretch of the imagination, anybody who is not familiar with the character might want to know his back story at this point, just to get an idea of just how monumentally stupid the whole thing is.

The premise to Evil Ernie follows the tale of Ernie Fairchild, an abused young boy who grew up to be a teenaged psycho-path killer who is committed to a hospital. He is treated by Dr. Price who's therapy somehow (I forget, and also don't care) puts him in a psychic link to Lady Death -- Who is a big titted woman in a black bikini who really really likes death. Lady Death eggs Ernie on to kill anybody and everybody.

When Dr. Price's treatment totally screws the pooch, Dr. Mary Young plugs Ernie into a device called a Neurotech, which apparently is supposed to use technological means to cure the mentally ill. Yeah, brilliant idea testing it out on a psycho-killer for a trail run though.... Because it and the magic of Lady Death turn him into Evil Ernie, a zomibe like ghoul that is unstoppable. The victims that he kills come back to life and become his mindless zombie slaves.

And yeah, that's about all the plot this one has going for it....

So What Happens In this One?: The story is titled "Murder Mardi Gras in Suburbia" and if that's any indication of how mind bogingly stupid this is going to be, then I don't know what is...

It starts off with a hearse driver arriving at the Clearview Mental Institution to pick up the body of Ernie Fairchild, when he gets to the front door he is greeted by Evil Ernie, who rips him in half. He takes the hearse and loads it up with zombie and speeds into town, driving Dr. Mary off the road. Ernie and his ghouls then start a murder rampage in the middle of a block party being hosted by the mayor, and nobody can stop him.

Meanwhile Dr. Young enters the Clearview Institution and finds Dr. Price who tells her everything that happened before they are attacked by zombies. Elsewhere the private party being thrown for Dr. Young is crashed by an attack by Ernie's goons but is quickly repelled by some kids I guess we're supposed to care about because they are related to Dr. Young.

Back at the institute, Dr. Price loads himself up with guns and convinces Dr. Young to go with him to find and kill Evil Ernie. Finding him in the center of town they find that almost everybody in town has been turned into his zombie

slaves. The fight through these zombies and try to attack Ernie head on, but this doesn't work out so well because they end up being surrounded by his slaves.

The issue pretty much ends with a cliffhanger involving all the human characters surrounded by zombies wondering if they're going to make it out alive.

It's review Time!: The first thing that you really have to wonder is what the creative inspiration behind Evil Ernie was. You know, it's kind of hard to put a finger on it... I mean, Ernie kind of looks like he was based on somebody in real life, at least appearance wise... Oh wait, look at that, he looks like fucking Brian Pulido! Well fancy that! So yes folks, Evil Ernie bears a striking resemblance to his creator Brian Pulido. So one of the "most popular comics of the 1990's" started off as somebodies revenge fantasy? I mean, was he one of those guys in high school who fucking hated everybody for ragging on him

for liking Metallica and AC/DC, that he was going to show them some day, by making it big and famous?

That's what people did in the 80's in 90's when they were an outcast. They'd "show them all" by making it rich and famous in their own metal band, and in most cases they failed miserably and work some soul crushing job (where, still, nobody likes them) but if my theory is correct, Pulido was actually one of those guys who did it.. sort of. So yeah, in the 2000 when kids "show them all" it usually involves bringing a gun and getting CNN coverage for hours on end, in the early 90's you got your own comic book to vent your frustration.

The art by Steven Hughs is nothing to write home about, and it looks like the type of thing that would end up on one of those 90's pussy-metal albums by a band that was trying to sound like either Guns 'n' Roses or Aerosmith (or both) His ability to draw unique characters is somewhat limited to four archetypes: Big breasted women, 90's metal heads, rednecks, and boring suburbanites. Way to flesh out the scene, but everybody looks the same, it's almost like a Rob Liefeld comic if Rob actually learned to draw the human antatomy.

I think the most laughable character in the whole story is Dr. Price, who looks kind of like what you figure Jay Leno would look like if he were an alcoholic bum.

And I've got two questions about his rendering of Lady Death: First of all, do they have breast implants in the realm of the dead? Because there is no way you could make tits like that without having them drag on the floor, and secondly, why the huge hair? That shit's bound to clog a few drains.

Finally, I'm going to take some pot shots at how Evil Ernie is drawn, because he looks like an belimic girl in low riders. Look at that, fucking look at that. Look it's fucking Amy Winehouse.

But enough about the art, let's talk about the story, which is not any better. The plot is pretty much 20 odd pages of senseless violence set between a page or two over very

poorly crafted dialogue. The entire thing reads like a Mary-Sue fan-fic, written by somebody who has no concept of how people really talk to each other. Evil Ernie has the vocabulary of a retard, Dr. Price talks like a low budget action hero (with his Hobo-Jay Leno look, this doesn't help) Oh, and stick around for Lady Death's two panels of talking about how she "feels" when Ernie kills people, sounds like they were lifted out of a soft core Porno.

So at the end of the day what do you have?: Crappy art, an even worse story, and somehow this type of garbage helps a guy run a 30 billion dollar industry for well over a decade. What the fuck, I think I'm in the wrong business. In fact, maybe next week I should take down my website and focus on writing a comic book that does away with all the plot, just people grunting and screaming which a big-titted death woman goads on a zombie to kill for her. Except this time the zombie will look more like a post-Y2K metal head instead of an early 90's one (to appeal to a younger audience) and the dead girl will be topless, and the whole time her G-String bikini bottom will be so tight she'll always have a case of "mud-flaps."

30 billion dollars here I come.

All in all, if one should feel personally ashamed for having a stack of Image Comics at home, one having a stack of Chaos! Comic should not only feel ashamed, but should be disowned by society.

From the Office of Nurse Em:

Dorkswithoutfaces decided to check with our resident nurse, Em Potapchuck to find out the health implications that would be created by Lady Death's excessive bust line this is what she had to say:

"She would have a huge problem with her back, there is no way she would be able to support that sort of top weight, she probably wouldn't be able to stand up straight. Those have to be fake."

Em Potapchuk is the leading expert in comic book medical studies at the Dorkswithoutfaces institute of medecine. Her background includes reading an number of books on anatomy, human physiology, and illness. While she doesn't have any formal medical training, she can groom your dog professionally and at a reasonable price.