Beelza Bob #1 Part 3 - Comics: Crazy Peoples Next Soap-Box For Religious Conspiracy.

If you were paying attention you may have noticed that during the course of the story Jesus said "Many of the portents have come and gone recognized by a mere handful for what they were.", which would imply that the coming Armageddon was short at hand.

So if that weren't enough for you, the writers of this piece of shit comic book decided to write a little bit about what they think are signs of the coming apocalypse and made comparisons to the Apocalypse. Even though the people at Comics Conspiracy put a disclaimer that they are not the opinions of people "whose marbles are properly aligned."

Still, this is some irrational bull shit, not to mention irresponsible. Because you know there are some people out there that'll read this shit and think it's true, because I've seen enough web sites written in awful English and poor color schemes on Angelfire free websites to know that when it comes to conspiracy and religious nuts, this shit totally makes their day.

Shit, this one time I saw this guy go on about the Kennedy assassination, and he went off on this huge rant like he totally believe the whole thing. The guy was really convincing. That is unless you knew that the fucker was repeating an old Bill Hicks comedy routine in verbatim. But he still believed that was the truth. Because he is a mentally ill person who really ought to get some help.

Anyway, this one page "essay" lists a number of the verses out of the Book of Revelations and finds historically "similar" events that might have some relation.

Of course, the book of Revelations works like the Nostradamus, in that they are so vague that you can apply them to many things in history. On top of that, people like to use the common nouns in them like "Fire" or "sword" or "horse" as if they were metaphors for a more modern thing. Because, you know, the doomsayers of a foregone age would be able to see into the future, but wouldn't be able to see any of the names for shit that they have to name them after things they might be in metaphor.

Anyway, let's see what this wack-job writer has for us.

Revelations 6:1-2

"Behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him, and he went forth conquering and to conquer."

Which they compare to George Washington riding a white horse at Valley Field and being the first president of the United States of America. Let's forget the fact that they used guns, Washington never wore a crown....

Revelations 6:3-4

"And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill another: and there was given unto him a great sword."

Apparently the red horse is supposed to be Communist Russia, babbles about the Rockafellers and the Rothschilds. Thinks sword is a metaphor. for nuclear bomb. Because you know, nuclear bombs and swords have a lot in common with each other.

Revelations 6:6-5

"And lo a black horse: and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand. And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny and three measures of barley for a penny: and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine."

Which apparently speaks of our age of "black ops" (because you know, black ops are so prevalent in our society, there is ALWAYS some covert stuff right now. In fact, the government is probably monitoring my website right now, and planning a preemptive strike.. Because THEY KNOW WHAT I KNOW!.. Whatever it is. Oh yeah, let's mention George Bush Sr. Because you know, the Bush family is all evil. Now I really believe this crazy prophecy now! Look folks, if you're trying to match the Bush family, and wine embargos to bible scripture then you're putting too much thought into a family that's more greedy and stupid than they are evil than you really should be doing.

Revelations 6:7-8

"And when he had opened the Fourth Seal I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see. And I look and behold a Pale Horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth to kill with the sword, and with hunger, and with the beasts of the earth."

This one is a stretch because the writer states that this was done on September 11th. Oh here we go, now you know it's legitimate because it mentions September 11th! Like the mindless killing of 3,000 American's is of some sort of cosmic significance. Give me a fucking break. It on trying to tell you that the greek translation of the word chlores means green, so that means the horse of death is really green. Apparently we're supposed to get the idea that this came from a Greek translation of the bible... Oh okay.. good to know now. So where are we taking this crazy conspiracy word association game now kiddies? Oh Green is the color of Islam. Yeah, let's blame the Islamists now, they're evil devil worshipers because they worship a variation of the Christian religion. Oh and you can associate green with money, and associate money with the World Trade Center. Oh and the Druids and Pagans called Satan the Green Man apparently. Oh and for this idea to really work for you, you have to have a fractured enough mind to have seen a face in the smoke of the burning World Trade Center. Sure.

Revelations 6:9-11 (9-11!! SEE! IT MUST BE TRUE!!!!)

:And when he had opened the Fifth Seal, I saw under the altar, the souls of them that were slain for the word of God and for the testimony which they held: And they cried with a loud voice, O Lord, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on them that dwell on earth. And white robes were given unto every one of them, that they should rest, yet for a little season, until their fellow servants also and their brethren, that should be killed as they were should be fulfilled."

Tries to associate it with modern day terrorists. Goes on about the Patriot Act. Blah blah blah. Yeah, it's getting vaguer and crazier.

Revelations 7:1-4

"And I saw another angel ascending from the East, having the seal of the living God: and he cried with a loud voice to the four angels to whom it was given to hurt the earth and the sea, Saying, hurt not the earth neither the sea nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of our God in their foreheads. And I heard the number of them which were sealed: and there was a hundred and fourty-four thousand of all tribes of the children of Israel."

Then it mumbles on into how the war in Iran and Afghanistan is the center for World War III and how the conflict will be taking place in Israel in the near future.. Blah blah blah.

I fucking hate these religious conspiracy nuts. The only think that makes them have some sort of proof of their outrageous claims is that there is currently a conflict going on in what is believed to be the holy land. And like any sort of conflict that is looming over the mind of the easily led and stupid, they're quick to flip open their bibles and try to find some parallel between stories written by a bunch of people a few thousand years ago who were (by today's standards) grossly uneducated and had to make up myths to understand shit that they were too superstitious to try and figure out for their own.

How's this one for you: The world is fucked.

That's all you need to know. And unless your part of the front line, how about you put the fucking bible down and try to enjoy your fucking life while it lasts instead of living in the fear mongering conspiracy theory that you're letting race through your empty fucking head?

Faith is another word for stupidity, so far as I'm concerned.

At any rate, that concludes this edition of Fucking Comics, if you aren't one of the people writing me angry e-mail as a result of this review, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. And if you did, I expect that you are burning your entire comic book collection.

If you're looking to secure your own copy of Beelza Bob #1, as you read at the start of this review the company has vanished off the face of the earth, but you can probably find a copy of the damn thing at your local comic shop, either in the bargain bin, or being used to keep a display case full of busts of busty women level.