When I read these old Aquaman stories, I often have to put down the book I'm reading and ask the real questions that have plagued the minds of far better men than I, for generations. And that question is "What the fuck is this vibrator doing in my mothers underwear drawer?", no wait... That's not it. Actually, the major question one would have to ask when reading an old Aquaman comic is "Did they just take some idea from another super hero book and make it water themed?"

If you haven't already figured it out already, the answer is a resounding yes.

It seems over the years all they did with these old Aquaman stories was recycle some other story idea from a more popular book and give it a nautical theme. It's the equivalent to Sponge Bob Square Pants imitating every other obnoxious TV show on the air today (Although, depending on who you ask that's probably more irritating than Aquaman imitating everyone else out there.)

Case in point is the first story we're going to be taking a look at in this edition of Fucking Comics, Aquaman and His Sea Police. Although I do not have any sources to back this up, I'm quite sure there are probably a handful of Superman or Batman stories out there where the mayor of some town gives said hero martial law over a small town run wild with lawlessness, and the writers of Aquaman decided to do a similar story but water themed.

Our story begins in the city of New Venice, which I suppose is what the Republican Party pictured New Orleans to be like when the levies broke (HA POLITICAL HUMOR! Tragedies of today are tomorrows comedy!)

I think the most laughable thing about this story is the opening splash panel that shows Aquaman standing on a street corner looking all proud with a police man's cap and a sheriffs star, gloating as his octopus "police officers" are stopping some hot rodding kids from speeding in their boat.

Yeah, that's just the thing you see, Aquaman doesn't really do much of anything, he usually gets his "finny friends" to do it for him, while he swims around or rides on dolphins backs because he's too lazy to swim around... You know, I bet is ol' Aquaman lived in the Confederate south back in the day, he would have the telepathic ability to command slaves. The bigot.

The story begins with Aquaman arriving in New Venice, which is a town that was flooded by a "sea-quake" in recent history and the towns people adapted to their new environment by turning their town into a bastardized homage to Venice.

Because you know, an earthquake (no matter if it's at sea) would only flood a town, it wouldn't cause, oh I don't know, a GIANT tsunami that would have wiped the town off the face of the map. And hey let's totally ignore all the property damage and pollution and how unsanitary it would be if this town was flooded and people continued to live in it. I mean there are more important concerns to worry about, like replacing all the speed limit signs to list speeds in knots as opposed to miles per hour and make sure that all the kids replace their hot rods with speed boats, and various other ridiculous shit.

Apparently the number one problem is that since the flooding of the town, lawlessness has run ramped and apparently the people of New Venice

didn't think of having a police force or something, because they have to call Aquaman to help them solve the problem. Because you know, normal police would be totally bamboozled by the fact that the streets are filled with water, they wouldn't be able to fight crime.

One of the problems is that, even though the city is flooded, those wacky kids always want to speed around in their hot rods, only this time kids have suped up boats. They still call it hot rodding, which is kind of funny to me.

Anyway, Aquaman solves the problem by summoning seals to put seaweed in the boat motors. Hey, Aquaman great job, risk a seal getting it's head chopped up in a boat motor to stop some boaters who like to

speed. Paul McCartney's ex-wife called, and she hates you. And who the hell did you get your crime fighting skills from? Axle Foley from Beverly Hills Cop?

Of course one smart-ass bests Aquaman's "clog the motor with seaweed" gag buy having a more powerful motor. Aquaman not to be undone has a whale go swim under the boat and lift it out of the water. Now, not only would the water ways in New Venice have to be deep enough to facilitate a whale, wouldn't the boat motor slice and cut the whales back?

Later on a New Venice ferry a man has realized that he's been pick pocketed, Aquaman has put an octopus on the ferry beat apparently, as there is one near by which searches everyone's pockets until it finds the guy who stole the wallet. Now, I might not be the greatest expert on marine life, but I'm quite sure that octopi can't breath on dry land, so either the writer is a fucking idiot or Aquaman is really cruel to his "finny friends."

Later still, Aquaman catches people throwing litter into the water ways, he then calls seagulls to pick up the garbage and drop it on the litter bugs. Now, I thought that Aquaman could only summon sea life, how the hell can he talk to seagulls? I mean, yes, the are seagulls, but they're birds, not fish. The other thing that I'd like to point out is that although the seagulls are solving the garbage problem, who's going to clean up all the seagull shit? And doesn't Aquaman know that by summoning those Seagulls that he has possibly endangered the fragile ecosystem of a McDonalds parking lot somewhere?

However, taking back our streets (or waterways I guess) from law breakers isn't done, especially when it comes to littering (because it's not like a flooded town would have anything less than sparkling clean waterways) Aquaman gets his sword fish buddies to gather up garbage and tie it to the lines of illegal fishermen. Because you

know, the water ways of New Venice would be teeming with marine life. I don't claim to be an expert on anything (except for writing long winded horribly crafted reviews on the internet of course) but I don't think that any sort of fish that could live in a flooded city what with it's flooded basements and sewer systems would be very good for you to eat.

Later still, this guy comes out of the water in a diving suit and tries to rob a woman in her boat. I think the funny thing is that considering the year this story was published, I don't think the guy

that guy is holding is very water proof. I guess this is another case of the writer being an idiot. Anyway, Aquaman has his shark friends help him catch the crook (because in the world of Aquaman all the sea life gets along together and Darwin's survival of the fittest is only a thing of Christian nightmares.)

Suddenly, that evening the town of New Venice begins to be drained of it's

water, and the towns people get upset. Yeah, you don't want to lose any of those tourist dollars in your lawless hell hole now do you? So what does Aquaman do? As usual he decides to fuck with the balance of nature by plugging the under sea hole that is causing the water to drain out of New Venice.

Of course once this is done the people of New Venice throw a ticker-tape parade for Aquaman to commend him on his work. This is funny because for someone who was so concerned about people throwing their empties into the waterways, he doesn't seem to concerned about all the confetti, streamers and other bits of paper being thrown into the water celebrating his aid to the city.

Well either way, apparently Aquaman has had enough of New Venice (I don't blame him) and turns in his star and returns out to sea. I bet

within a week New Venice is a huge fucking mess again.

Now with this story as a primer, I'm sure you can get an idea of how fucking retardedly stupid these Aquaman stories are, so get ready for our next shit-fest bonanza titled Aqualad Goes to School on the next page!