Aquaman, King of the Seven Suck (Not Quite a Catchy Title, But Fuck You, It's MY Website.)

After talking about Jimmy Olson, Superman, Green Lantern, the Teen Titans, and the Flash, one would think that I would have vowed never to read another DC Comic book again, let alone devote another edition of Fucking Comics on the subject. But apparently, I am a glutton for punishment, as this edition of Fucking Comics is about none other than Aquaman, King of the Seven Seas.

Now, I'm sure a lot of you out there probably know who Aquaman is, everyone loves to make fun of Aquaman. But for the sake of those at home who have no idea what I'm talking about half the time, allow me to make an explanation so you can understand, and perhaps, repeat all the really good information and jokes you read on this page during light hearted (but a little sexist) conversation at the water cooler tomorrow at work.

Aquaman was the son of the queen of Atlantis and thus had the abilitiy to talk to fish, swim REALLY good and be able to breath under water. Aquaman, like many other heroes at DC had one weakness, and that was being out of water for over an hour. All he had to do was touch water, he didn't have to drink, or soak in it. Just had to get his head wet or something. Which is kind of funny, because wouldn't he be doing that if he was sweating? And isn't the body made up of 90% water anyway? So isn't he always in contact with water? So why does he have this weakness?

And yeah, I'm going to leave the talking to fish thing alone for now, I think the combination of Seanbaby, Robot Chicken and Toyfare have totally ruined any possibility of me coming up with anything even passingly funny about his abilitiy to talk to fish.

Anyway, Aquaman's come a long way, I guess, for such a pathetic character he sure has had a long shelf life. He's gone from being a back-up character in various titles (Action Comics, Adventure Comics, Worlds Finest Comics etc.), having a number of his own titles (which had all been canceled and resurrected at one point or another) and being a long time member of the Justice League.

Aquaman has gone through a number of transformations I wager were probably supposed to make him more likable or tough or something. So instead of being a goofy loser in a orange tunic that can talk to fish, he became a brooding sea monarch who had his hand bitten off by piranhas and replaced with a miniature harpoon/hook thing (but of course this has been reversed in the same fashion that most changes are changed back after the fact.)

In fact, I think they spent a lot of time trying to make Aquaman more like his Marvel competitor, Namor the Sub-Mariner (who is a far better character, he doesn't talk to fish, he beats the shit out of them.)

But we're not going to be getting into that right now, today we're going to be looking at some of Aquaman's more humbler beginnings, going back to the Silver Age of comics and revisiting some of Aquaman's more ridiculous tales (yeah, who would have thought huh?)

This edition of Fucking Comics promises a double bill of Aquaman stories, because at the time these stories were printed, Aquaman only got a few pages a month in issues of Adventure Comics. The poor dope didn't even get to be on the cover either.

Today we're going to look at the Aquaman story in Adventure Comics #264 featuring the story "Aquaman and His Sea Police" as well as looking at Adventure Comics #278 featuring the story "Aqualad Goes to School" which is just as retarded as it sounds.

Next - Previous - Back