How to draw books have always been popular haven't they? Guide books for the artistically impaired to show them the "right" way to draw things (And given my crappy art work you'd think that it would help that I actually read one.) If you ever wanted to know how to draw super-heroes, anime girls being raped by penis monsters, or how to draw supreme court judges, one need not look further than the local library.
I have decided to review How to Draw Super-Heroes and Super-villains (Includes Tracing Paper) published by Kids Books Incorporated. A children's book that teaches kids to draw some of the stupidest characters ever imagined (Stan Lee these guys are not.) I think if there could have to be an even worse book on how to draw Super-heroes and Super-Villains, it would have to be written by Rob Liefield.
The book itself doesn't have much to offer, only rudimentary drawing tips, and repeats them constantly. Other than vague instructions on how to make shitty super characters, it also includes tracing paper, so at least if you can't draw for shit, you can copy stuff instead.
One of the first things I found interesting about this book, is it's author, a person who only wishes to be named as Jael -- If that is indeed your real name -- which leaves me to question why someone who illustrates a children's book about drawing would only submit a first name to the publisher. I have drawn (drawn, get it?) three conclusions, each more realistic than the last. The first one was so that the illustrators road to fame created by this book could live a life of anonymity so that when he takes his honey out to the restaurant he doesn't have to worry about being hassled for autographs from fans when he excuses himself to take a big shit in the restaurants facilities (just like Eminem! God damn those fans stopping you from taking a dump at a fancy restauraunt!) The second theory is because the illustrator thinks himself to be a eccentric artist type and decided to be "trendy" by only having himself referred to by one name, probably had his name legally changed like most artistic weirdo's and Transformer enthusiasts tend to do. The third is possibly to hide his identity from the phalanx of people that would send him to hang for his shitty drawings and piece of shit book that did not help them at all with their ability to draw Super-Heroes and Super-Villains.
I would now like to show you just some of the characters that this man, this Jael, would have you draw. Be warned though, faithful reader, what you will see is not pretty, the following pictures are not recommended viewing for those with weak stomachs.
The Blade Rider The first character this Jael would have you to try and draw is the Blade Rider. Sporting stretch shorts, a tank top and a mullet, I question how this person is a super-hero and not a gay bar patron.
Right-Winged parent groups beware of this book and it's Gay/Lesbian agenda! Make sure your kids are safe, the first tell tale sign is if you notice they've taken have decided to take up roller blading, taking on a liking for tank tops and decide to sport the mullet.
Gay/Lesbian agenda? What the fuck?? You crazy right-wingers! Yeah, sure the gays and lesbians are all out to get you. Look out!!
Ah here is a wonderful piece of shi-- er I mean art. Bolt-Man, in all his glory. You know he's electric from all the thunder bolts around him.
I wouldn't want to mess with this guy in a dark alley! You see those thunderbolts coming out of his crotch? Man I bet a sexual experience would be -- electric.
This man intimidates me to no end.
Come on, a special kid in a helmut could kick the shit out of this fucker. I don't care if this guy has thunderbolts coming out of him all over the place.
God.. Look at him. Looks like a fucking doofus.
Dr. DestructoThey took a football player and put him in a wrestlers outfit. Real intimidating.
What the hell is that in his hand a vibrator? Why is it adults can always find something sexual about what they are looking at? I see a big penis. I also see that he's punching a vagina and he's jumping out of an ejaculation.
Fang FiendWhat happens when Eddie Munster decides to become a gay Aztec? Well you get Fang Fiend apparently.
Graffiti GussLOOK OUT! The rebel will write words like "POW!" and "FIGHT!" and cross out hearts with arrows through them with his massive paint brushes and paint bucket!
This guy looks like a cross between a flasher and a gutter-punk. I don't have much fear in a guy who probably spends his time writing "Bango Skank was here" in truck stop washrooms!
You know you're a sad excuse for a bad-guy when your graffiti is less inspired than 90% of the "tagging" done by stupid suburban kids who think they're street because they've seen a few rap videos.
"Look at dis yo, I tagged dis wall wid an 8-ball. 'Cause I'm street!"
"Oh yeah, well I crossed out this heart, because I hate love, but love graffiti!"
Oh man, I sure hope that is a knife, because it certainly looks more like a dildo or a peeled banana to me.
I think it should be a crime against creativity when you create a barbarian character (never very original to begin with) and give him a name that's a cross between Tarzan & Kazar. And what the hell type of name for a lizard is Zap anyway? Lizards do not zap, as far as I know. Lizards hiss and pee on themselves as a form of defense, but they most certianly do not zap.
Pit BullyMan, these character are getting more and more creepy as they come. And with a name like Pit Bully, you know that he strikes fear in the heart of all his enemies.
I don't know what's the scary thing about this guy, his mace with dull spikes, his leather speedo, or the fact that he would look more at home in a place where words like "banana" are safe words.
The Mighty Power PackerOh man, can you believe the guys name? And he's not just your run of the mill Power Packer, he's a mighty one!
I'd rather be enslaved by the on coming alien invasion, than watch this guy pack whatever power he uses to defeat his foes.
Power PuncherPower Puncher. Sweet fuck. I don't even know where to go with this one, I'll leave it up to you to make your own funny joke.
The Vapor Ranger Look out folks! This guy will over power you with his magic vapors the he excretes all over his body! I'm going to try and tackle this one without making an obligatory fart joke. I'm just going to say that you know you have a lame character when his ability is to mildly scald his villains with steam. What sort of application does Vapor jets have on your shoulders and on the top of your boots? I suppose it's the ultimate defense when somebody wants to have a heart-to-heart talk about why your mother is dieing of terminal cancer and has an urge to confort you by touching your shoulder. It would come in handy the most during those awkword serious moments in sit-coms where they don't tend to use the laugh track for lines like "Michelle, your uncle Joey is dieing of cancer"
Wayne the Wicked PirateAnd just when you thought the creator of this book reached all his creative potential with such creations as Graffiti Gus and Pit Bully, he proves you wrong with a creation like Wayne the Wicked Pirate.
I don't know about you people out there in internet land, but as far as I know, most people named Wayne are not very threatening people, being a pirate not withstanding.
I mean, Wayne is what you name your son if you want him to grow up to be a loser who gets stoned and listens to Black Sabbath all day, not if you want him to pillage and rape. He's the kind of guy who will still use floaties in a pool even though he's in his late 30's.
I don't think Wayne is very wicked, in both senses (if you use wicked by it's traditional term, or if you are trying to be hip and cool with the kids these days by using "wicked" to signify something as cool.) of the word, either.
In most cases Pirates are supposed to be cool, even in their frilly out fits and eye patches. Why? Because pirates are good at stealing stuff. If you are ever in the same room as a pirate, you can assure that by the time you leave he'll have stole your wallet, your jewelry and your virginity.
Meanwhile, Wayne here, looks more like a drunken idiot who ended up buying a gypsy princess costume and tried to pass himself off as a pirate at the costume party.
Well this concludes my review of How to Draw Super-Heroes and Super-Villains (Includes Tracing Papers) by the mysterious Jael. I wish I could have a conclusion to make about the book, but just like the books mission to teach you how to draw Super-Heroes and Villains, I have failed at my primary task. However, unlike the creators of this book, I didn't sucker you out of $16.95 on a lame ass hardcover book. You'd be better off burning down an acer of rainforest than buying this book, it's just as effective.