The Other Ryan Gabrielson Incident:
We here at Dorkswithoutfaces pride ourselves in trying to stir up people with what we write for this website. To date we've pissed off fans of aspiring rappers on the road to nowhere, totally trashed talked some moron who accused us of stealing their idea, have been accused of being awful human beings, and pissed off the Transformers community.
But more often than not, most people are adult enough to realize we're just bored & petty assholes who say what we say to get a reaction and find it beneath them to send us their comments. Which I find upsetting considering how much hard work we put into every article we write.
If this keeps up, I think we will have to take up a new hobby, or this "get out of your parents basement and meet a girl and get laid" thing some of our biggest critics tells us to do.
However, one thing that has escaped our notice are the people that are literally effected by vague association to our website. We make fun of filmmakers, comic book personalities, and people who draw Transformers naked, and the only people who seem to be effected by it are people who bare a similar name to us.
Personally, we weren't aware of that we were capable of this sort of power over peoples lives. Frankly this realization has really turned us on, we think it's pretty damn sexy.
The internet is a big place where you can find just about anything and everything, including people with the same name as you.
No surprise that if you punch your name into Google chances are you'll find somebody with the same name as you.
Usually one hopes that all this person with the same name as you is posting on message boards are only about the finer points to pottery, or commenting on their favorite Star Trek: Voyager episode (Five gets you ten it's probably one that stars Geri Ryan.) But sometimes, sometimes, to your shock and horror you find out that the one person on the internet with the same name as you is a creepy sex offender that cuts dick holes in stuffed animals and is posting on a Furry message board complaining about how hard it is to wash the yellowing cum stains out of their favorite plush bunny.
Or worse still, you could have the same name as long time Dorkswithoutfaces associate, Ryan Gabrielson.
And that my friends is where our story begins....
See a few years back we tried to have a our friend Ryan write a regular feature on our website called "From the Desk of Ryan Gabrielson." This plan fell through since Ryan was a pretty busy guy with his day job, moonlighting as a drummer for the punk band Martial Law, and fornicating with his girlfriend to spawn a child (tentatively holding the title of "Anti-Christ", I assure you.)
It had a nice little graphic of him stabbing a stuffed bunny with a kitchen knife, and featured Ryan's frustrated ranting and raving about things that pissed him off that particular day. The "entertainment" value to this would be that Ryan uses very extreme language, and we made it a point not to censor anything he said, and in fact display all the offending words in red. Ryan can be a very foul guy, and when he curses up a storm he uses every possible offensive word he can think of, no matter how taboo.
This is mostly because he loves sparking reactions in people, but also he (unlike this world of PC douche bags that run things in this world) knows that they are just words. Ryan, so far as I know, isn't racist, in fact the last time I checked he hated everybody equally, no matter if they were male, female, of a different skin tone, or what their sexual orientation is.
On top of that, I'm convinced that he has some mental disorder that makes him a compulsive swearer. So that makes you, concerned individual that you are, the bastard because your being ignorant to his condition.
That being said, the one and only piece of work he did for us was a rather -- colorful -- rant about how some asshole rear ended his truck and drove away and how his insurance was going to rape him in the ass. I was a little leery myself about the language he used, but I told Ryan that I'd post whatever he wrote no matter what, and I stuck to it.
We posted this online, and when nothing happened we thought nothing of it. I mean other than getting an angry letter from Al Sharpten what was going to happen right?
Well apparently a lot can go wrong, not for us though, but for somebody out there who just happened to be blessed with the same name as our very own Ryan Gabrielson.
That article is long gone from this site, forever lost due to poor website management on my part. So unfortunately it's no longer available, but it's legacy lives on in the heart of Ryan Gabrielson -- Just not our Ryan Gabrielson.
The road to this grisly discovery started a few weeks ago. When I started badgering Ryan to join Facebook.
I told Ryan:
"Look you have to join up for Facebook. There is this other guy on there called Ryan Gabrielson. You are so much cooler than he is, you should sign up so people can make a distinction. Last thing you want is some other Ryan Gabrielson stealing all your thunder. What if he totally sucks at everything and people confuse you with him?"
Since Ryan lives the Rock and Roll life style, the prospect of some groupie thinking he's a total swish because of some other guy with the same name, Ryan eventually caved in and joined Facebook (Does anyone else hear some freakish creatures chanting "One of Us! One of Us!" or is that just me?)
One of his first orders of business was contacting this other Ryan Gabrielson, more than likely to set the record straight to this guy that our-Ryan was the greatest Ryan Gabrielson ever.
Well apparently this other-Ryan was prepared for the eventuality that our-Ryan would someday contact him, perhaps waiting up every night staring out into the stars, hoping beyond all hope that this day would perhaps pass on and he would never have to face it. But alas it was not meant to be, because this morning I get a message from our-Ryan on my MSN:
"So the other Ryan Gabrielson has known about me for a few years now and actually the angry ryan piece I did for your site caused a huge deal in his life because someone in his family google'd his name and found it! HAHAHAHA AHO:HAHA HA HAHA AYES!"
That's all he gave me for now (expect updates as this story develops) but I can only imagine what came of this.
Although, I have to say that whoever this guys family is was pretty stupid if they confused our-Ryan with their-Ryan. As I said before, this piece features a picture of Our-Ryan, and clearly stated that he lived in Western Canada. While this guy comes from the South East of the United States. So perhaps, considering that these people came from a red state perhaps the question as to the intelligence of these people is understandable (See, vague political commentary as a measurement of somebodies intelligence, especially when you don't know how they voted during the last US Election = Comedy. At least if you hate Bush. If not, I get another bit of hate mail. Either way, I still win!)
Well in any event, this whole episode amuses me to no end. I'm in no way apologetic about it either. I mean, seriously, if people you know found some stuff written on the internet by a guy who has the same name as you, who looks nothing like you and has clearly stated that he doesn't live in the same area as you (living some 2,600 km away), then they're fucking stupid. Plain and simple.
Further, we wouldn't want to speak on your behalf, or even pretend to be you. Because, when I really think about it, I think you might be a complete idiot. So no sympathy here. It must suck to have to deal with that, but it wasn't like you said anything that awful yourself.
I swear this is why they shouldn't let retards or people who take shit too seriously and at face value onto the internet.
Further, if there are any Nick Peron's or Nicholas Peron's out there that have had their lives negativly effected because of some of the content of this website, we'd love to hear your story, so please contact us at admin@dorkswithoutfaces.com!
