The TFW2005 Incident:

I knew it would happen eventually! You make fun of Transformers fans, you call their beloved G-1 a smoldering pile of dog shit and eventually one of those immature motherfuckers decides to get the ball rolling and the hate mail comes rolling in like fat on my ex-girlfriend!

As some of my regular readers know, I've decided to take pot shots at the very testy and highly stupid Transformers fan collective. Mostly because they're a bunch of whiney babies who can't handle any form of change and have nothing better to do than lament over their late love, their beloved Generation 1.

Today my friends, my fondest wish and worst nightmare have come true: The Transfans have found me and now I finally get some feedback on some of my scathing commentaries.

The first one came from some stupid moron who has an even worse grasp of the English language than I do! And this my friends only got the ball rolling!

Here, for your reading pleasure is the idiotic ramblings of one "Johnny Primacron" (get used to reading responses from idiots who identify themselves with Transformer names....):

Dear Mr. Dorkswithoutfuck!

Yur website is stupidk and gay. G-1 is the best ever! u stupid fucker! yu shld take down jthat stupid shit u wrote on that website! fuck! u make me so mad! i want to punch u in the face! you probably think Armada is cool! ur just a stupid fucker! shut the fuck up! nobody wants to have to hear what u have to say! i hope u die! take down ur stupid side cause u aint funny! imma tell everybody abt ur site and they gonna lay the smack down on you! Homo!

My, oh my, such hostility indeed! I find this guys writing on par with that hate mail I got from that guy who didn't like how I made fun of the Smoked Doggs.

I had to laugh about how he was going to "tell everybody abt ur site and they gonna lay the smack down on you!" followed by the priceless addition of "Homo!" right afterwards. I laughed my ass off. I think the saddest thing about this e-mail is the fact that the person on the other end was totally serious when he wrote that e-mail. It's sad to think that somebody whom I assume is somewhere between the ages of 13 and 25 would write me such a horribly written and stupid e-mail because he didn't agree with my opinion. Compound that with the fact that he's probably the same kind of asshole who, if the tables were turned, would be screaming "Freedom of speech! Freedom of speech! I can say what I want!"

But God forbid somebody out there not agree with him! Lord no! Heavens no! That would be grounds for that person to "Shut the fuck up" because "Nobody cares" and they should do something akin to not writing anything on the internet ever.

I believe they call something like this projecting. But you know... I also thought it was kind of amusing that he was so mad that he even wrote "I'm gay for Megatron" to get past my spam filters that I setup for this eventuality. He must have been really mad.

Needless to say, I have to give this guy some credit, he is pretty determined about telling "everybody" about my site (oh goody! More visitors and possibly more amusing hate mail!) I decided to do a little poking around on Cyberspace.

It's a fun little exercise, what you do is punch your domain name into a search engine and see if anybody is talking about your site. Last time I did that I made fun of someone who had a blog that complained about my site not doing serious reviews about Degrassi episodes (the fuck?)

Truth be told, I find a posting on the www.tfw2005.com message boards by this guy complaining about my site, quoting my review of the Transformers episode "Autobot Spike" which isn't even one of my better rants.

http://www.tfw2005.com/boards/showthread.php?t=131672

was the link, but now it's down, so here's a screen capture of what the moron had to say:

Good for a laugh. I decided to monitor the responses throughout the course of the day, I eventually got bored after a few hours, there was beer to drink and a hockey game to watch.. And honestly did you expect me to waste my time watching a message board about Transformers when there is so much porn to be watched on the internet instead?

But I did catch some of the responses and I will be representing them for your leisure. Needless to say I was a little more than disappointed I figured that these guys would back "Johnny Primacron" 100%, but apparently all the insane G-1 fans were probably attending the "March Against Michael Bay to Stop Making Megatron's Face Look Like a Vagina and Make His Crotch Look Like a Trigger" (Remember, my hypothesis: Liking G-1 Megatron = Gay.)

While I can't take pot shots at these guys for being insane fans, I can take pot shots at them for being internet geek's who post on a Transformers message board. They all reek of the scent of the type of guy who is in love with a girl they met on Yahoo Chat who bilks them for money to support their dreams of being a star ("I'll wait for you baby because I love you" is a common catch phrase among this sad wretched offshoot of humanity.) little realizing that instead of that nubile 14 year old girl with aspirations of being a singing sensation, they're really sending their hard earned money and their naked photos to a hairy 50 year old sex offender named Jerry who works at a mechanics shop and spends his breaks hanging out in children's clothing stores.

Anyway, I got really self involved, but I would like to make another assertion here before I get onto the A-material. One would say that I'm committing the worse crime ever (See the case of Pot v. Kettle.) and that I'm picking on my own kind. Ah but you are wrong my friends, not only am I nerdly, but I'm also a critic, and angry, therefore popular by the internet's standards and stand in a class high above the rest of you.

Okay, now with that said lets see what we've got here, the responses to "Johnny Primacron" were varied, but all amusing:

smkspy: "I think between your inability to spell and this guy's site I've had enough shit and giggles to last a week. Oh, welcome to the boards."

And between your post and your inability to coin a phrase (It's "Shits and giggles" sweetheart) I have enough disdain for the human race to last a month. But I have to give the guy some credit for being so polite to "Johnny Primacron" in welcoming him to the final step to his bleak and meaningless existence. I hope you boys enjoy waxing philosophical about the implications of the Scraplet and Cosmic Rust epidemics that are ramped amongst sentient machines the universe over.

Switchblade "Yes, heaven forbid somebody has an opinion that differs from your own"

I already said that. I bet this guy thinks Switchblade is a cool name for a Transformer. I also believe that he's probably the polar opposite of anyone who would actually own a switchblade. Picture John Travolta from Grease if he was a over weight crew-cutted, acne pitted, wheezing 15 year old wearing a well worn Bionic Six T-Shirt intensely studying the latest RPG strategy book as opposed to taking his best Moll out to the drive in.

TrooperMaximus: "You care, JohnnyPrimacron! That's what counts!"

TrooperMaximus' line here reeks of something he either read or heard on a popular TV show and thinks he's really witty repeating it at any opportunity he gets to say it. Sadly his friends probably still think it's funny, and quite possibly envy him because he's reputed to have kissed a girl before.

Draven: "...So you like G1 and get angry when people call it stupid, and then you call Beast Wars stupid? Oh dear."

Draven, probably being an "edgy" Goth-like name, this guy probably writes nocturnes about how life and peoples dislike of Optimus Primal and Transwarp technology induced Time Paradox stories cause aching pain in his bleak heart like the sting of an unrequited lover. Oh the pain.

Johnator: "WTF"

I thought I had. WTF as in What the Fuck Am I Reading This For?

Screambug "Yeah, our opinions all differ on Transformers.:/"

Ah Screambug, the humanitarian. The "can't we all get a long/don't fight" of the nerd clique. He's the guy who will support the cause of any fan allegiance and admit that it's all good, in an attempt to be fair and non confrontational. This may work on the message boards, but it doesn't work so well at keeping the bullies at school from fueling the rage in his soul which will probably lead to a him getting arrested for posting his hit list on Myspace and going out and buying a gun (And with this stinging and uninformed commentary I hope I've made the top of the list you pussy.)

Autovolt 127 "Cybertron and G1 FTW!"

The internet slang dictionary finally came in huh?

WhiteMocha: "Do you honestly want to know what I think? --"

Not particularly.

"--I think to each his own.... people like what they like and hate what they hate. But you can't get angry beause someone happens to hate the thing YOU love. They are entitled to their opinion just as you are entitled to yours. If you go through life taking this sort of thing personally, you'll go crazy."

Oh my god. I think I just found the reincarnation of Mahatma Gandhi! He's spreading his wisdom and message of peace among the undead of the Transformers fan community! Unfortunately, due to the nature of the community he has plenty of people willing to take enemas from him, but sadly none of them are female.

"I also think the use of the term "gay" as a synonym for "bad" is a sad and offensive trend in institutionalized bigotry."

To be read as "I'm trying to sound intelligent and anti-establishment but I'm really a fucking moron." This is the kind of guy who'd probably toss The Catcher In the Rye because it says "fuck." To hell with your argument about context I'm too busy trying to look smart exposing the institutionalized bigotry perpetuated by the far right! Never once in any of my rants do I say being gay is bad. I suggested that people who like G-1 Megatron might have repressed homosexual tendencies. Now if you saw that as something bad, then who's the institutionalized bigot now?

"I also think you MIGHT just be on here trolling.... in which case I'm sorry I fell for it."

Ah yes, your one of those easily bamboozled message board poster. Will read something, realize it's trolling and then can't help but express their opinion on the subject anyway with some sort of moral imperative, like people actually find value in anything he says.

"But aside from that, a little more on-topic.... I think G1 is just peachy. It's ridiculous, cheesy, and terribly dated, but it's what I grew up on and I like it. But the world of Transformers is a LOT bigger than G1 these days, and each new permutation of the franchise has its devoted fans. None of them are any more right than the other, it's just based on preference."

Well thank you Mr. Tolerance, that doesn't make you any less gay for Megatron, you bigot.

Sy-Rein "Well said WhiteMocha. And as far as the gay comment. I think we really should try to re-inforce the original meaning of the word, which is HAPPY! So I'm gay! I got MP Megatron recently and a raise at work, I'm so very very gay!!!"

Because you know, because the word "gay" lost it's original meaning. It's completely gone from the dictionary. Wiped out. It's not even in the dictionary any... wait a minute, it's still there. And again, why does the word "gay" is being equated as something bad? Further, if you reinforce it's original meeting that's yet another minority group that has a word that they need to "take it back." Let's not cause them that pain. I don't think spending your recently earned raise on a $100 piece of plastic gay, I find it a poor investment.

Valkysas: "Johnny, you insult other series, and like it when people make fun of them, but at the same time don't think people should be able to dislike and make fun of your favorite?

Valkysas, you post rhetorical questions on message boards, rehashing what was originally posted, yet not adding anything new to the conversation?

Omegatron1: "LOL at the site. Thanks for helping me realize how STOOPID G1 was. Actually, I respect G1 like I do the Model T- certainly not the best example of its kind, but stll important."

Yeah, and I respect your mom because she has low affordable prices and she takes her teeth out when she sucks me off, but compared to your sister she's not the best example of her kind, but still she's important. See, I can use metaphors as well.

Insane Galvatron: "Hey, me too! I got a raise and MP Megatron recently! Can I be gay with you?"

See, this is a perfect example of the good things that come from my website that most people miss when they're calling me a retard or an asshole. I bring people together. My advice to you Insane Galvatron and Sy-Ren, don't hold back. Young love is a beautiful thing. Embrace it, and enjoy it while it lasts. Soon enough one of you will be the unappreciative butch who just sits on the couch and gets fat and the romance will fizzle. Enjoy these good times.

Rumble02: "Gay Gay we're all Gay. and married to women"

Other than screwing the pooch on getting the all important "Rumble01" screen name, he's also the kind of guy who is so insecure about his sexuality and/or his ability to find a mate of the opposite sex that he has to announce to the world at every fucking opportunity to mention that they either have a girlfriend, or a wife. If they had a megaphone, they'd be using it to emphasis the words "My girlfriend" or "my wife" on it, and then pause long enough to bask in some self precieved glory because of some idea that those people staring at him are doing so with envy.

Sy-Rein: "Oh yes of course, please share in my gaiety! We can be gay together."

Ah, love like the brightest of spring blooms.

Mike: "im so mad! "

Mike makes an attempt to be witty, but I guess he didn't get that memo on internet levity that repeating the subject of a message board post in an attempt to be funny is lame, not funny. I'll give him points for not being a fucking lame-ass and uses an actual name (and just "Mike" none of this "Mike02" bullshit) instead of some stupid catchy Transformer name or something.

Shaun C: "I've never understood the reason to villify the various Transformer shows to be bluntly honest.--"

I've never understood why you didn't end up being one of those children in rural China that gets drowned in a river at birth, to be bluntly honest.

"-- It's ALL Transformers people -- "

And for a guy who thinks it's "All Transformers" mention Animorphs, five gets you ten he'll go on a rant about how it's "not REALLY Transformers" and that it's okay to criticize because he can understand that.

"I found a quote on another TF board that I feel is appropriate for this thread 'Generation 1 STARTED Transformers, but it doesn't DEFINE what Transformers is all about or has to be'."

The sad fact is that this guy finds something somebody else posted on another Transformers message board was profound enough to mention on here. What the fuck do you do? Browse all the other boards and bookmark all the threads that justify your opinion for easy quoting in an argument later? "Oh, this one justifies my desire to draw naked pictures of Arcee, I'll bookmark it."

You're quoting a fucking message board, not something out of an encyclopedia.You aren't quoting fucking Confucius either.It doesn't make you any smarter or worldly or one of sage advice quoting something from another message board. It makes you someone with far too much time. And since this guy has enough little icons and whatever on the side bar of his posts, he's probably someone with some clout on the TFW2005 message boards, which pretty much validates my statement.

"--The way I see it every aspect of Transformers is great--"

Oh here we go...

"G1; The series that most of us being in our mid 20's to mid 30's remember watching. It did start it all, I'll admit to that"

"I can admit to something that is historically true." Way to go brainiac! IT started it all!? No shit! You figure that one out on your own did you?

"BW and BM; Revived Transformers and brought new fans into the fold. If this series failed we wouldn't have those delightful G1 DVDs and the G1 movie to watch"

If I were Wikipedia, I'd ask for some citation. I don't think if Beast Wars/Beast Machines failed as a series,that it would have meant dick about DVD's of the previous series being released. Further, this guy touts them as brilliance, but you can bet 10 years ago he was complaining about it with the rest of us. You're not fooling anybody. And I believe the only reason why the original cartoon ended up on DVD is because fans bitched about it enough, and it all happened during the brief 80's come back that lasted from 2001-2003.

"RID thru Cybertron; Keeps things fresh and stories from getting stale. Plus the kids seem to like 'em which keeps Hasbro's pockets fat. And those fat pockets mean the older fan base gets those delightful goodies like 1)Alternators/Binaltech 2)Classics and 3)An Official Convention to go to every year"

Yeah, because the most recent cartoon series have been known for their breath of fresh new ideas and stories that are timeless and would never be accused of being stale. Of course kids like them, it's a cartoon based on a toy line, the geniuses in marketing made sure of that. And as far as Hasbro's fat pockets... Well Most of the Alternators/Binaltech line originated from Japan. Hasbro realized that there was money to be had and brought it over here. Classics was probably a last minute idea that they slapped on some new toy molds (other than the figures that were again imported from Japan) that they slapped a "Classics" logo on to get idiot G-1 fans like you to buy another useless hunk of plastic with an Optimus Prime head, or oh goody, another Megatron that turns into a gun!

And if I'm not mistaken, Hasbro doesn't pay for the convention, it's the convention promoters, Hasbro probably gets a good chunk of money showing up for it. Botcon and all it's successors were started by individuals that were not in any way affiliated with Hasbro at first. Hasbro's pockets get fat from the convention, but don't be fooled into thinking they put a lot of that money back into the fan community.

"The 2007 movie; It'll bring Transformers out of obscurity and hopefully take it from "silly kids show/toy line" to semi-legitor EVEN legit Sci-fi that anyone can enjoy."

Out of obscurity? It's a brand name that's endured over 20 years. You have a very liberal conception of obscurity. Here's a catch 22 for you perhaps it's not so much obscure as it is that Nobody outside of the fan community really cares. I think it's funny that you have this notion that a commercial property becoming a "semi-legit" or "EVEN legit" Sci-Fi series is laughable. I suppose you're argument will be that comic book movies are making comic books "legit" sci-fi. But it's not. It's a fucking fad, open your eyes, wake up and smell the coffee and stop being a jerk wad.

The medium will never be taken serious so long as it's a "timeless" monthly story telling medium that takes pain to keep everything the same and never really advancing or making permanent change. Once the comic book movie fad fades, it's back to the drawing board for comic book.

Transformers will be the same thing, but on an even smaller scale, because it's centered on a TOYLINE not a piece of literature. You cannot have the medium survive outside of having a toy line to support it. Hasbro is interested in selling toys, not making movies or "legitimate sci-fi". And if you think I'm wrong, then explain the extensive collection of Transformers figures you have in your home. I rest my case.

"So there's really no point to being anti-[Insert aspect of Transformers here] because I'm sure if one looks hard enough you'll find something to like about said aspect. It's all about having an open mind""

"When I was a kid, my mommy told me that if I can't say something nice about something, don't say anything at all." You know I wish I could think of something nice to say about you, but no matter how hard I look at your posts you still come across as a retarded douche.

And that my friends concludes my little commentary on this whole Transformers message board debacle, I'm sure I'll be hearing more about it. Just remember all you pissed off Transfans out there your e-mail messages have to read "I'm Gay for Megatron" otherwise it'll end up being deleted by my spam filters.

Tah tah!

Footnote: Obviously, not long after that message was posted it was taken down by the tfw2005 site moderators. One thing I find surprising is that not a lot of people sent comments to me directly. Oh well, c'est la vie.

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