We Suck As Human Beings:
Oh lordy, lordy, lordy! It seems that we got our first bit of hate mail ever! Two years later, someone finally has the gall to write to us and tell us we suck! I have to say though that after all the years of anticipation I'm a little disappointed that it wasn't nearly as long or crazy a response as I could hope for. But you take what you can get I suppose. In any case, one day I get this bit of e-mail from from some stupid moron from the internet:
"From: [Stupid Opinionated Cow]
Date: Thusday, January 04, 2007 10:51 pm
To: Admin@dorkswithoutfaces.com
Subject: jerks
you suck as human beings."
So yeah, not a whole lot to work with, but I decided to soldier on, because I like to answer every bit of e-mail that I get. I do this not for some asshole ego boost, but because I really would like to educate people on just how wrong they are. And this person could not get any wronger. So I naturally had to respond. And well, give me a sentance and I will give you a couple paragraphs. Because we here at Dorkswithoutfaces believe in giving our readers e-mails with value added, because value added is a good thing. At least that's what our guys in marketing keep on telling us. That's why we made the Sealand Apron.
"Dear [Stupid Opinionated Cow],
We here at Dorkswithoutfaces are always, always deeply concerned when our
ability to be human beings is put into question.
While, I've never made any claims that I am a human being -- I usually
prefer to consider myself a higher being beyond the ken of mere mortal
men -- it concerns me deeply when a total stranger from the magical world of internet morality visits my website, doesn't like what I have to say, and
informs me that I suck at my abilities at being a human being.
Now, so far as I know, I've been doing human things for almost 25 years, and I'm quite certain that I've got a handle on things. I can walk at a brisk
pace, I can cogitate complex sequences of occurrences and be able to compute the likely possible course of action, I've almost got this "breathing" thing down pat, and I can tell you I totally kick ass at playing Super Mario
Brothers 3.
So I would like to know exactly how you measured my ability to suck at
being human and came to the determination that I actually indeed suck at
being human. Look, I'm not trying to debunk your theory, perhaps you are
onto something (I mean, I still have a LITTLE trouble with the point and
shoot concept of urination) but if you're going to use the scientific method
of grading peoples humanity sucktitude levels you're going to have to show
your work. That's the first thing my biology pounded into me (other than
himself) back in those foregone days when I was a crackly voiced teenager
with pent up rage who didn't have video games that told me to kill people.
Your reply means a lot to us, so please put a lot of thought into it and
get back to us! Thanks!
- Nick, webmaster at Dorkswithoutfaces Dot Com"
So I fired that e-mail off, hoping beyond all hopes that [Stupid Opinionated Cow] would respond back with some semblance of an answer. I wanted to see what sort of stupid and idiotic reponse I could get out of this person and what sort of funny replies I could write. Kind of like the whole Bloody Cunts episode, only this was genuine hate mail.
So I waited, and waited, and waited, and so far nothing. As of this writing it's been four days since I responded to the e-mail sent to me by [Stupid Opinionated Cow]. I'm going to take a wild guess and assume that they aren't going to reply back. Perhaps my endless wit, and well chistled features staved away any retorts this person could possibly respond with. I'd like to think the very power of my groin alone, was intimidation enough to make this person not write back.
But most of all, I'm a little disappointed because [Stupid Opinionated Cow] isn't playing a fair game here. I mean, most opinionated assholes on the internet should, by law, at least respond to the person who has so offended them at least three or four times before finally giving up in a fit of frustration.
What could I have said that offended you enough to write me an e-mail? Did you think my commentary on peoples knee-jerk reaction of Karla Homolka sightings in poor taste? Do you think I was too harsh in saying that Bi-Polar people should shoot themselves in the head if they don't treat themselves? Or maybe it was something more trivial, perhaps you were offended by the fact that I made fun of your love of Transformers with genitals butt-fucking each other? Maybe you thought Tainted was a good movie? Or maybe you're just a disgruntled cast member from Pep Squad? Maybe it wasn't even my website that offended her, maybe she just doesn't like the movies Low Budget Pictures releases, or they're a really ugly hag and thinks Mira sucks because she suffers from an extreme case not-ugly?
I mean, why the fuck did this person tell me that I suck? I mean come on? What would that accomplish? Did you expect me to see the errors of my ways and become what you think is a better person, or in your parlance someone who does not suck? Would you're comments have been so Earth shattering to my character that I would be compelled to take down my website and replace it with one where I sell home made shrine to the Virgin Mary out of old bath tubs?
Would that give you a sense of justice, and that you've made a difference in the world of the Internet?
Why the fuck, would you waste 30 seconds of your life to tell me that I "suck" as a human being when there are a whole lot worse people out there? What, are you too much of a pussy to go to the website of some Holocaust denyer and tell them they're an awful human being? Too chicken shit to find some White Supremicist websites to bash? Don't know any pedophiles you can berrate with your litanies of "You suck" and "you're an awful person?"
At any rate, all I can say to [Stupid Opinionated Cow] is, welcome to the Internet, bitch. A land where people are entitled to state their own opinion and speak their mind. See, at least I have the nerve to post my thoughts on things online. I don't reduce myself to sending childish and fucking pointless e-mails to people I don't know, because I have a difference of opinion to theirs.
In fact, I never asked for your opinion, and even if I did happen to come across your small minded, mioptic world view, I wouldn't give a shit enough to do what you did because I am a tolerant person. The world is full of people who have ideas I don't agree with, but unless they invite me into open diologue, I don't feel the need to throw my weight around.
So, to all the [Stupid Opinionated Cow]'s out there, go fuck yourselves.
PS: At the time of this update, I have sent this link to [Stupid Opinionated Cow], congradulations, you're opinion is now a part of the bonified InterWebLameNameIHateBrettButtHeIsn'tFunnyAndInterWebIsAWordForRetards.
But hey, if [Stupid Opinionated Cow] is reading this right now, feel free to write me you're opinions any time, I'm sure that my regular readers and I will enjoy them.
Footnote: At the time I originally wrote this hate mail segment, I had two commentaries on the site. The first were my opinions on the media hysteria surrounding the release of Karla Homolka from prison. My stance on it was that regardless of if she may reoffend or not or what she did previously, she served the time she was sentanced and that she deserved the right to privacy which wasn't happening at the time I wrote this. As an addition to this little commentary I had rented out the domain www.whereskarla.org and created a fake website that boasted that it was "tracking" her but was joke site about a "concerned woman" who lived Elsmere Island (Which is a remote island in British Columbia, the furthest place you could get from Karla at the time) who was posting "reports" about Karla sightings in Montreal and speculate the sinister motives. The whole thing was obviously ridiculious and a fake, and I wanted to take it a step further by contacting various Canadian media outlets about the site itself. Funny enough, not even 30 minutes after I sent e-mails to CBC, CTV, and Global News did I have hits from their computers checking out the site. I suppose after they saw how ridiculious the whole thing was, and that all the links went to my comments which pretty much told you that if you were from the Newsmedia and you found this site I duped them, they decided it wasn't such a hot story to report about. I might not have gotten the media coverage I wanted (although in heindsight that probably would have caused me more grief than it was worth) but at least I have the satisfaction of putting the news media in it's place and trick it into falling for it's own media hype like a dog sniffing dirty panties. Since the time of this writing I've taken down the whole "Where's Karla" thing because it wasn't topical, and the domain name is now released for some other schmuck to pay for.
The other item I speak about in this rant is my commentary on people with bi-polar disorder. It was a very angry and very personal rant, where I suggested that people with bi-polar disorder who knowlingly refuse to take their medication should shoot themselves in the head. As I said, personal rant, it's not on the site anymore either.
Finally, the mention of "Mira" refers to a friend of mine Mira Howards, who for a time had her very own website hosted by us. Since she lost interest in it, I didn't feel like shelling out for the domain anymore and have since canceled the domain. Not that there was much content on there anyway.
