The Bloody Cunts Incident
Once again, this isn't technically hate mail (although I'm still hoping for that first big e-mail from some uneducated fuck-wad who really wants to make a fool out of themselves, I know you're out there.) I think after this whole episode this person probably hates me.
The thing about the internet is everyone tries to be funny, and if my website is any indication, 9 out of 10 times people often fail at it miserably. Either you're not funny, lame (As one of the fine folks of Wikipedia called my website), ripping off somebody else (no such thing as original thought right eBaum?) or just down right annoying and not funny (I like to fit in this category as much as possible).
That last example is also the nature of which this e-mail came to me. Here's a word of advice folks, if you're idea of spreading a little bit of online levity is e-mailing some total stranger who operates a website, sending them a string of incomprehensable obscenities (come on dickweed, there is enough of that on my own website, I don't need it in my in-box) then I think that by law, the local internet provider should have to come over to your place, cut the line (literally) and then kick you in the face with steel toe boots. Then piss on you while you're rolling on the ground screaming, as you feel your brains leak out of the newly formed boot hole that appeared where your fourhead used to be.
But I'm getting ahead of myself here, this is the message that greeted me one day when I checked my e-mail:
"hey you fucking panzy hoe bags prepare to go to war. you have stollen a sacred name establish in 98' for one to come forth in 2001 as the choosen one. we are prepared to fight for what rightfully belongs to us. give back the rightful name you have stollen or face sertan deaths.
sincerly the sister band of the Douch,
The Bloody Cunts"
Go a head and read that again, if you're still going getting back to this sentance and thinking "what the fuck is this moron talking about?" then you are about on the same page I was when I first read this thing.
My first thought about reading this is how does one go to war against a fucking panzy hoe bag? Isn't that a hate crime? I'm going to have to call the hate crimes division of my local police detatchment and find out, they may have a Spider-Man comic book about it that they can give to me for free. Well I decided to look into the history of going to war against fucking panzy hoe bags on Wikipedia, but that also yeilded nothing.
How exactly do you go to war against somebody on the internet anyway? Sure, okay, back in the day when you could download an IP Nuker, or maybe an E-Mail Bomber that worked, I'm sure that was an effective way to wage war against people on the internet (and was also a very effective way to answer the question "why won't girls go out with me", trust me, I know.)
Apparently, I have stolen a sacred name that was "established" in 1998, what name exactly is not mentioned. I was thinking if this was some sort of lame ass legal threat (commonly seen on Something Awful which is an excellent resource about what to do when somebody tries to sue you for making an opinion on the internet or something equally as retarded.) you're going to have to be a little more specific. I don't know if he was directing this at dorkswithoutfaces (which is a cool name I must maintain, but I highly doubt that it's all that original) or if it was directed at Low Budge Pictures a great indepentant film company that is hosted on our site (buy their movies!!), which again, the same argument, cool name but hardly original (in fact, there are probably like fifty thousand companies world wide that have the same name and there is no legal warfare going on where they call each other fucking panzy hoe bags over the internet), if that's the case though, I took a bullet for my good pal Chris Seaver (owner and operator of LBP, and one of the most brillian fucking minds alive.) since he didn't have to deal with this moron.
What the hell is this chosen one crap? Coming forth in 2001? Well I'm sorry man, but you should be having an onthological disaster right now since you're "choosen one" is about five years late for his big appearance.
Fight for what rightfully belongs to you? What the fuck "rightfuly" belongs to you pray tell? Specifics is not this persons strong point.
I'm also kind of wondering what this certian death thing is. Are you threatening me? Because if you're going to start a legal battle with someone the last fucking thing you want to do is threaten them. That wouldn't look good before the judge. In fact it makes you sound like you're crazy, or retarded, or both.
And this sister band of Douch crap, what the fuck is this? This had all the makings of a shitty MySpace band, so I decided to take a peek and see what I can find, And believe it or not, there is a band called The Bloody Cunts (surprise, surprise) on My Space. Now if these are the people who contacted me and sent me that monumentally retarded e-mail, then I hope they stay in MySpace Music "I'm never going to amount to anything musically except for maybe a MySpace Music Collection Volume that will be sold in bargin bins across the entire world in about a year, and I will fade off into internet obscurity and then I'll shoot myself in the face ala Kurt Cobain, because gritty musicians who nobody understands do that sort of thing, and we will become mega-popular, but nobody will like us and I'll have blown my brains out for nothing more than giving people peace of mind knowing that they won't have to worry about me bitching and moaning and sending stupid fucking e-mails to people I don't know because I am an retarded asshole who shits his pants and dreams of being a rock-star." I'm really hoping for that.
But if these Bloody Cunts aren't the Bloody Cunts that e-mailed me, perhaps the Bloody Cunts that did e-mail me should send their incomprehensable e-mails to those Bloody Cunts, and ask them to change their names to Another Bunch of Bloody Cunts, so that they can maintain the name that is rightfuly theirs. In fact, I think the two The Bloody Cunts should wage war against each other for the "established title that is rightfuly ours that we will give to the choosen one in 2001" in fact, they should make it a cage match. Put it on ESPN-2. Because people like watching men in spendex fighting each other in a caged ring.
Can you imagine these guys:
Fighting in a cage match against another group who calls themselves the Blood Cunts? It has the making to be the feel-good movie of the year.
But if there is anything that I've learned from The Bloody Cunts pictured above, the most fucking retarded people on the internet know the hottest chicks on the internet (take a look at their friends list, it's small enough to garner "I'm not just trolling around and adding hot girls to my friends list", this is more like "These are hot chicks who know me that's why they're on my friends list.") The sick thing is, these guys probably get more trim than I do, which you have to understand, as one man sees another man's sex life that is better then theirs apparently we have to be all tough and shit about it, so for the sake of that mentality, I'm going to say that these two guys are homos and fags. Because that's what guys do when other guys make them feel inadequate (Especially when they're banging more girls than the other guy) is call them a fag (even if they are banging chicks, it doesn't matter because the are gay and like penis, even though they get more vagina than I will ever see in life.)
Apparently this sort of reverse thinking works. Although I'm not quite sold.
Anyway, I responded back to The Bloody Cunts who e-mailed me,
"Dear The Bloody Cunts
I am trying to decipher your crazy talk, and since this message obviously contained no courteousness or social grace I'm going to have to have to decline whatever request you are making. Seriously, if this is some sort of complaint over some sort of intellectual property or legal action, contacting me in such a vulgar manner doesn't do much for your position.Furthermore, you are a fucking moron, and since I have a fond and warm place in my heart for the socially inept and their near insane ramblings, please do not hesitate to e-mail me further, as I find them very amusing and will make great material for my website (please read my content statement.) I'm sure my regular readers will have a good laugh over your ineptitude and utter stupidity. Have a nice day"
I figured that was that, done was done, I totally put that The Bloody Cunts in their The Bloody Cunt places, and I could go about my buisness in a timely fashion, but apparently that wasn't enough, The Bloody Cunts know no humility and though that once again they must put themselves under the sharp and pointy sword of my harsh words and scathing responses.
"Dear Nick the Webmaster
sorry for not writting back sooner for the holidays came upon us. first off if you had a sence of humor to begin with you would have initially thought it was funny to begin with. ummm that was the whole point of the letter. we have always had the thought of great minds think alike and with 2 people coming up with the same name well that is pure genius. well, for the lack of your sence of humor makes me think that you are a film school geek and need to add humor to your life."
Okay, so I totally insult them, call them a moron and then they start off by appologizing? What the blue fuck is up with that? Oh, it was the holidays! That's why you didn't respond! Well I'll tell you something you The Bloody Cunts, you, While you were busy stringing up tinsel and trying on that sweater that grandma knitted for you (you know the one that has the big snow man with the words "I'm a retard! But I WUVS MY GWANDMAH!") as a gift this year, I was most certianly not sitting by my computer waiting eagerly for a response from you!
While you may have been guilt ridden that you didn't respond right away while you were making snow angels in the front yard, or building that anatomically correct transvestite snow man, or even drinking egg nog while watching an old video of Christmas specials that you taped as a kid, (suddenly yelling out "WAIT GUYS! QUIET QUIET! QUIET! SHHHH!" just before the part where you're parents taped over with a video of them having sex, and then laughing so hard that egg nog shot out your nose) I most certianlly wasn't losing any sleep waiting for you to write back to me.
I was not standing out on my balcony, hoping that Santa would come in his sleigh and give me what I always wished and hoped for: An e-mail from you! Because that's what I've always wanted.
First off, if I had what you called a sense of humor, I still would not have found you're e-mail funny, I still would have found it fucking stupid. Not only because it looks like it was written by someone who cuts snow flakes out of paper for a past-time, but because perhaps only you and the rest of The Bloody Cunts would have found it funny. In fact, if you're idea of humor were to be funny and wildly popular, then there would be a The Bloody Cunts sub-section in the Comedy Section of your local record store, but since there are only so few The Bloody Cunts out there, it doesn't have quite the same market appeal and therefore isn't funny.
Here's a little tip: Just because only your friends find what you say is funny, doesn't mean everyone else does. In fact, most peoples sense of humor is only funny to the people they hang out with, unless they are monumentally funny and devistatingly handsome (like me.)
Second off, who the hell calls an e-mail a letter, anyway? Haven't caught on that "cyber lingo" have you? Or did you really write it down on paper and actually managed to have it delivered to my e-mail? I think the postal service is just humoring you, and just writing the e-mails for you at this point. You should go to battle against them and have your mail delivered in a fashion that is rightfuly yours or something.
Well just because The Bloody Cunts think that great minds think alike, doesn't mean that the "great mind" (That being me, since you have clearly shown you are not a great mind, but in fact a dim one and therefore I will not give you such a prestegious title) doesn't mean that the great mind that "thinks alike" is going to totally be your friend and go "Oh hey wow! A total fucking moron e-mailed me some stupid crap! We're totally great minds and we think alike! I think I'm going to invite him over to play with my G.I. Joes and then we can have a picnic and talk about slot-car racing!!!"
I don't know what you had in mind e-mailing me, who is apparently a great mind, and sending me that utter garbage in the first place! Are you looking for a great mind soul mate? Are you The Bloody Cunts lonley? Does nobody understand you? Nobody that great a mind? Who totally couldn't understand the brilliance of a group of people who call themselves The Bloody Cunts!? I mean come on! It's The Bloody Cunts! They're pure geneious! Because they came up with something just like me! Because they're a great mind! I'm going to get on my computer, and e-mail five random websites that use fart jokes and tell them the same thing, I'm going to tell them that they're a great mind and geneious because The Bloody Cunts said so!
So apparently I'm a film school geek. That's interesting, because I've never been to a film school, or made a film before getting this e-mail, so I don't think that his assessment of my status in life is a very qualified one. Are you assuming that film school geeks have no sense of humor? Geeks bite the heads off chickens for a living God damn it! If you did that as a career and you decided to go to film school, you must have a big fucking sense of humor, because that would be fucking hillarious!
"So as you can see Prof, I did an extreme close up and held a tight frame of the chickens head, and then did a slow motion shot of me biting it. I used a blue gel screen to make it look like I was doing so under water, I hope to add the a voice of the chicken going 'no please, God have mercy' and impose the image of a topless hula girl reflected in my eye. The topless hula girl will be masturbating with a frozen mackarel. The message I hope to convay in this shot is the pain and misery that the working woman feels in this male-oppresive society, the phalic references alone are well worth the 20 minute course of my first short. I hope to call it 'You are my male oppressor, please bite my head off while you think of hula-girls masturbating with frozen fish.' "
Well enough about The Bloody Cunts, and I hope they become popular, however, if you want to be really witty, and you're still popular in your twilight years, perhaps you should call yourselves the "Menopausal Mustaches", that would be very Avaunt Guard!
Cheers, you The Bloody Cunts!
