The Smoked Doggs Incident
This isn't official Hate Mail, but it works for this pages purpose, and since we've just came back online, I haven't gotten any yet, so I post this little fun run of human stupidity. But allow me to do some back story here, so I was visiting one of the many other humor sites I visit (Something Awful ) and on a daily basis they display what they call "The Awful Link of the Day" which of course is a link to a bad web site, and the link that day was for a group of 15 year old would-be-rappers called the Smoke Doggs , I decided to check out thier site for a good laugh and at the time I visited it, it had pretty much every Rap cliché you could think of. So I decided to give them a little enlightenment that I hope would make them rethink their idea of becoming big time rappers. The e-mail I had sent went a little something like this:
Okay, time for some creative criticism here kids, you definantly need it:
Firstly, reading your profiles I couldn't tell if this was a bands website or a poor excuse for a personals add.
As far as your potential as musicians, or rappers or whatever the hell you want to be -- fluffers on a porn set for all I care really -- but your style, interests not to mention lyrical content is totally cliché, and in an over saturated market of other would be rappers I would have to say that the idea of you guys making it big are slim to none.
It also says a lot when your own group is on your list of favorite bands. That is by far the biggest musical no-no you can make except for going on stage wearing your own bands logo on your chest.. But I digress.
Here's a novel little concept: How about instead of attempting to rehash the same old stuff that all the famious people (although, I suppose immitation is the best form of flattery, but immitation also makes one not get signed on a record deal.. or only makes you a one hit wonder.) how about doing something unique and/or different to revolutionalize the genre?
But yeah I know, you've only got two beats, and can find only so many words that can rhyme with exploitives and/or slang words that degredate women, so doing something new is quite difficult with the genre you have chosen.
But, judging by how you kids (I stress that word) will take any sort of criticism will instead get you all pissed off because you have it in your heads that you'll make something of yourselfs (it's okay to have a dream kids, it really is. Dream a little dream, just remember when you wish upon a star not to tell anyone or you won't get that phat record deal and the viewers choice award for best rap group)
Fuck, see kids like you... See it's shit like this that makes rap music so bad.
In the 80's (no matter how corny and lame it sounded.. With the exception of a few, Beastie Boys for example) rap music actually had some substance, meaning, some important social statements instead of rapping about being rich and acting tough etc.
But crap like this proves my point that rap as a musical form (oh, and you can thank punk for rap happening. If you do a little musical history, you'll find that rap, hip-hop & R&B was a derivitave of punk at the end of the 70's and was considered part of the 80's new wave) is but a dead and bloated carcass festering with magotts that consider their pale and shitty music "art" and worthy for consumption all while reveling in the death farts that are otherwise considered to be ones inflated ego.
Not to mention you guys have made yourself whores to the corporate elite by buying into all the stupid shit that essenitally is cashing in on the misery and pain of lower class African-Americans, who's appearance is majorly due to poverty, which corporate America decided to cash in on.
Congrads! And best of luck in that music career! I'll be watching the MTVVA for you guys!
Now since I didn't give my e-mail to them, I didn't expect any forthcoming response, however, I was basking in the glory of this e-mail I sent them so I posted how I sent it to them in my Livejournal, and lo-and-behold, somehow, someway, some fan of these fucking dipshits posts a comment on my journal (anonymously too, which is funny, way to be all tough and stuff. I'm quaking in my little geek booties) that went like this:
You 2 "geeks" dont got shit on the smoke doggs... they would crush you. i dont know them personaly but iv seen some shit they did. and u bitches couldnt come close. but sence u just some computer faggets who got nothen better to do but talk about other ppl ill just say this. I dare you to get the balls to say shit to there face. you wont. you'll back down and if ur stupid enough to do that, you'll get bitch slapped. o yea and nausiated... take a shower... baith... get off the computer to somthing that invols getting up and get a girl... cuz.. shit. u need to get laid if this is what you do on your free time. sad sad sad...
Wait a minute... 2 "Geeks"? Is this guy seeing double, because there is only one of me. And why put geek in quotations? Is it because I don't stand up to geek standards? Are you suggesting that I am a poser? That I'm not geek enough to be given the prestegious title, which I'm quite sure you were using as some sort of narrow minded insult. They could crush me? Oh me-oh-my! I better be careful! I sure wouldn't want to get beat down by 15 year old kids!
Okay, look, if your friends couldn't take any sort of criticism and would even try to beat the shit out of me, well I'm going to tell you something flat out kids, I'm an adult, and I'm not in high school and I have no reputation to maintain, so if they want to even try to pick a fight with me, I'm sure local authorities would love to see what happens, I don't mind taking two pissants to court for assult if they want to try something. I don't have a tough guy image to maintain, because I'm not a stupid 15 year old who doesen't know shit about shit.
You know, I admire your loyalty. I wish total strangers who don't know me perosnally would troll around the internet and stick up for me whenever someone "disses" me too. Can I hire you to do this? That'd be great, because those guys on the Transformers message board toss my name around like a 10 dollar hooker and I demand REVENGE for my good name! Tell them how they're bitches that don't come close and how I'd bitch slap them if they're stupid enough to say otherwise. To save yourself some effort, you could copy your message above and put my name in the place of the Smoke Doggs for easier mass mailing. And can you also send one to Visa, they're trying to repossess my assetts, and I figure that'll put them straight.
We bitches don't even come close? Come close to what? Your bad grammer? I may not be a spelling B champ, but I don't reduce my typing to internet-lazy, and I can spell bath. It's B-A-T-H. There is no "I" in bath. Computer faggots? Oh okay, I see your logic, so anyone who has any sort of computer skills that are better than your own is instantly a homosexual. Now why would you automatically assume that people who have great skill are gay? Further more, why would them being gay be a bad thing either? I sense a deep rooted homophobia from this character that may stem from his own inner sexual frustraitions. And so what if I have "nothen" better to do than talk about other people, you did just that responding to my little comment.
Oh, goody a challange! Do I have the balls to say to the Smoke Doggs to their face? As I said before, I don't have a fear of being "bitch slapped" if two kids think that having a criminal record because they beat up someone for saying something bad about their "skillz" on the internet is a good way to have a life, sure, okay. This could be amusing.
I need to take a shower? Well I took one today, I don't think I should take another one, I mean, that was an hour ago, but I don't think I'm that dirty already. And what is a "baith"? I'd like to know, because since my personal hygene is in danger I should find out more about this "baith" so I can maintain the respect of my peers, because to be wildly accepted and never be criticised in my life is a viable goal in my life that I want to persue.
I need to get off the computer? But how will I type this witty retort? Do something that involves getting up and getting a girl... Hrm.. Well I did get laid last night, so I know my sexuality and ability to "get a girl" certainly is in proper working order. But since I'm really not in the mood to get laid right now, I don't think I should get up and "get a girl" as you have suggested right now. That's quite simple to do might I add, and really, I don't centralize my life around my ability to mate with the opposite sex, or at least pretending I do, and bragging about it.
I need to get laid so I can stop doing this? Boy are you wrong my friend (And friend is a term I use very loosly) I have sex, and yet, I still can't stop making fun of people on the internet! OH NO! WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!?!?! WHAT CAN I DO??? Your solution is something I've tried many times (including a three course meal last night) and I still can't stop myself from doing this!! Maybe I should consult my physician to get tips on how to make it so my sex-life eliminates my need to go on the internet and make fun of people!!
Well, thank you for your comment, I don't think I need to tell you how I will remember the tips you've given me on how to improve my apparently sexless, unhygenic, "geeky" computer life, when I'm in bed with another girl after taking a nice warm shower and not using my computer for three or four days.
Great advice to live by. You sir, are a geneious... Or a fucking moron, I can't tell which right now. I think it's the latter of the two.
Footnote to this hate mail entry: Not long after this whole thing happened the Smoke Doggs disappeared off the internet forever more. As an interesting aside while maintaining my site, I found out that one of these talentless losers still does his "thang" on the internet under the name "Chilli" and like all aspiring "musicians" that fritter their time away saturating the market with pure unadulterated shit, he has his own Myspace page and a "record label" which him and his "home boys" release music out of. My guess is that his "record label" consists of a myspace page, a CD-R and a HP Laserjet printer.
