Back in the Summer of 2005 I wrote a commentary on the type of things people enter into a search engine to find my site. It was quite an interesting look in the dark, disease infested heart of the internet. Most of those searches revolved around penises, skulls being fucked by penises, and people wanting to act on Degrassi. It was possibly some of the most hilarious, yet depressing thing I've read in my life.
Often times, I see what the Internet has become in these modern times and wonder if what I see today is the lowest the internet can go.. Then I click on a link that shows me a video of people dumping live eels down an Asian girls butt and making her shoot them out into their mouth. You'd think that in the 16 years I've been using the internet I would have realized that there is no bottom to the depravity, tastelessness and fuckeduptitute of the Internet. But I still need to be reminded every now and then because I forget.
But what better place to look than my web servers Webalizer stats showing the search engine hits that found my website! Here is a selection of some of the more fucked up things people have looked for on my site since the last time we did one of these features.
September 2005:
Skull Fuck - My good old friend Skull Fuck. For those of you who didn't read my last WTF commentary, then you might not know that Skull Fuck is a regular visitor to my website apparently because that is the most popular website hit that we get. This time around we're going to watch that Skull Fuck and see where it goes! Yippie!
Transformers Hentai - Always popular with the kids. It still, to this day, amazes me that people could find pictures of Transformers having sex erotic in any way shape or capacity. From personal experience dealing with the community, I've come to know that 90% of Transformers fans are homophobic as fuck, and you'd figure with a commercial property who's cast is 99.9% male would not be looking for Transformers Hentai. But then again, homophobes liking Transformers... Hey wait a minute, I wonder why there isn't a Transformer out there that can turn into a closet so these boys can come out of it.
Bra Stuffing - I was going to make fun of this one, but I figure the poor 13 year old girl who was searching for this is pretty insecure already, I don't have to be that much of an asshole (yet).
Fat Chinese Kid - As there is no www.fatchinesekid.com, I'm not surprised that people are searching for this. All you URL campers might want to cash in on this great money making opportunity because I get about 20 hits a month from a few people looking for Fat Chinese Kid, I'm sure they click on all the Google add banners that read "Buy Fat Chinese Kid from Amazon.com!" as well. Anyway, I was kind of curious about this one so I decided to look it up myself on Google. Among all the links, I did find this website about a 221 fat Chinese kid who wanted to show off his fat. I'm wondering if I should be arrested for looking at these pictures, but then I realized, there are no Fat Chinese Kid Police Task Forces, so I think I'm okay. For now.
October 2005:
Skull Fuck - Our buddy Skull Fuck is still going for the gusto, five months in and he's STILL looking for that glorious hyperlink that will bring him to the skull fucking he righteously deserves to see.
Skull Fucking - A variation of a theme. Our poor buddy Skull Fuck has been having so much trouble finding his beloved Skull Fuck photos that he's decided to kick it up a notch and try Skull Fucking as opposed to Skull Fuck.
Arlene Lott - No Arlene, nobody is talking about you.
Fear of Gnomes - As only a little more fucking pathetic than this woman I once saw on Sally Jessie Raphael that was afraid of buttons. It was possibly one of the most surreal things I've seen in my life, they brought in a wheelbarrow full of them and forced her to put her hands into it. At the end of the episode they had her wearing a shirt made entirely out of buttons. Fucking uncanny.
Glasses Fuck - Sadly I can't tell decide if this person was looking for pictures of people fucking glasses or fucking people with glasses. Considering the fact that it's the internet, it's probably some weirdo looking for pictures of someone literally fucking glasses.
Kathy Bates Nude - Another recurring search that brings people to my website. You know, I'm starting to get an idea here. Maybe if I keep on mentions things like Jesus, Virgin Mary, Judas, Noah, The Ark, Bible, God and put them next to the word Fuck, or perhaps imply that all these biblical characters are gay I would reel in people looking for God on the internet (If you're looking for him on the internet, maybe Neitchze was right) and perhaps be condemned by some televangelist or something. That'd be great. But then I remember that a few months back we had a picture of the Prophet Mohammad being fucked in the ass by Adolf Hitler for like six months when that whole Prophet Mohammad controversy happened and we didn't get a single hit. Not one. Not even the media, and they fuckin' swarmed on my website when they thought I was a website tracking Karla Homolka's whereabouts. So maybe that wouldn't work out quite so well.
November 2005:
Skull Fuck - Still Looking, and still number one. Fuckin' A Skull fuck dude!
Skull Fucking - When at first you don't succeeded.
Transformers Hentai - I have to find a picture of Optimus Prime double fisting Bumblebee!
Glasses Fuck - Don't forget your eye glass cleaner!
December 2005:
Skull Fuck - We're still number one here!
Transformers Hentai - Pictures of Cyclonus practicing being a Targetmaster in Galvatrons butt-hole are slightly more popular this month than Skull Fucking, but they still cannot out beat the might power of Skull Fuck.
Skull Fucking - You make me sick. Hit the showers.
Arlene Lott - Arlene.. Seriously... Nobody is talking about you on the internet, okay sweet heart? It's okay. No no. It's fine, it's just that, I think you're too full of yourself is all, okay sweetie?
Dumb Ass - I know you are but what am I? But seriously. Who the fuck goes onto a a search engine and types in "Dumb Ass" and expects to find some sort of logical result from that search? And yet this guy searches for it, and on Google you get such things as "Dumbass Daily" and the "Dumb Ass Test" and this knuckle knob clicks on my link. Dude, if you're looking for a dumb ass, try looking in the mirror. Dumb ass.
Kathy Bates Nude - Surprisingly this one starts to become a regular trend. Just because in one of my rants I wrote the phrase "It's almost as frightening as seeing Kathy Bates Nude" (or something like that.) I've got guys with boners for Kathy Bates coming to my website, getting disappointed, and then give up and start searching for pictures of Fat Chinese Kids.
Eat a Dick - Obviously this topic was being searched up by a genital chef of some kind. I mean, this person must have been looking for a website about literally eating penises.
January 2006:
Skull Fuck - "So Frank, what did you do for New Years?" "Oh, I got totally wasted and woke up next to Sally, you know from Accounts Receivable? Man, what a fucking animal she is! What did you do Tom?" "Oh, I spent the night looking for skull fucking pics, again, and I keep on getting that stupid Dorkswithoutfaces website." "Shit Tom, I'm sorry to hear that." "Thanks."
Skull Fucking - "Did you try a variation of your search string?" "You bet I did, I tried 'Skull Fucking', and 'Skull Fu-' and 'Skull Fuckaramalamading-dong' and I still get that website. Mocking me. Every night. With it's endless promises of Skull Fucking, but only giving me pointless reviews about movies nobody gives a shit about and will never watch." "That's harsh man. But keep at it, some day your dream will come true." "Thank Frank, that means a lot to me."
Transformers Hentai - "I fell your pain though Tom. You see I have the same problem" "You don't mean?" "Yes, I too am a victim of that Dork without a face. Every night I try in vein to find a picture of Windcharger getting a cum shot in the face by Starscream, and all I get is that ever fucking website!"
Kathy Bates Nude - "Hey guys, what's going on?" "Oh Hi Tim, we were just talking about searching for things on the internet and not finding what we're looking for, only stupid websites that has the phrase we type in not the actual content." "Oh man, I know what you two are bitching about man. Every night I get this massive chubby going on for Cathy Bates, you know that fat broad from Misery? I'd love to find a picture of her with her legs spread wide open inserting a full sized squash into her rectum. But all I get is this stupid website where this guy makes fun of Spider-Man comics." "Oh Tim, we know exactly what you're talking about!"
Transformer Hentai - "Well Frank, did you try to alter your search string?" "I was telling Tom just the same thing, and nothing works! I want to see an Inseticon getting plowed by a Transformer that transforms into a plow."
Bunny Ass - You know I'm actually glad that they invented BeastTube (which is the Bestiality Equivalent to YouTube. Thanks Portal of Evil for informing me such a site exists) that thankfully now I don't get searches like this.
February 2006:
Skull Fuck - Skull Fuck is still going strong.
Transformers Hentai - Frank is still desperately looking for a Cross-Generational Orgy between every incarnation of Megatron giving a Bukkak to Machine Wars Optimus Prime (Yes, all these Transformers jokes are going to get both more disturbingly perverted and more geeky.)
Kathy Bates Nude - You know, you could just go out and buy About Schmidt on DVD, I'm sure you could save yourself the trouble of looking it up.
Bra Stuffing - Man that 13 year old girl just can't figure this out can she? It's been six months and she still hasn't gotten it right. Aren't there any tutorials on stuffing bras on the internet out there? Actually I just went to Ask.com and so far as I can tell there isn't one decent tutorial on this subject, that's a shame, because I figure that would be a valuable resource for insecure girls everywhere.
March 2006:
Skull Fuck - Number 1! Number 1! Number 1!
How to Cut a Mullet - Then all of a sudden out of the blue, some asshole out there on the internet wants to know how the fuck to cut a mullet hairstyle. Fuck is a hair cut that expensive? If you can afford an internet connection but can't afford a hair cut, then perhaps you should reconsider your financial priorities.
Glasses Fuck - Forget the eye glass cleaner, these glasses are going to need wipers once this guy finds what he's looking for.
Bloody Cunts - Because nothing says I Love You better than dried mencies caught in your foreskin.
Fuck Glasses - I can't find no pictures of glasses fuck, so fuck glasses! I'm going to look for contact lenses fuck!
Transformers Hentai - Cripes, the Transformers Hentai guy seems to be taking it easy this month, perhaps he found a really good picture of Super-God Masterforce Sixknight DPing Goryu from Victory with his double blasters or something.
Baseball Puns - And then out of the blue out of all this sexual depravity, possibly the most innocent web user stumbles upon my website looking for Baseball Puns. You know, I bet this guy is the coach of a little league team looking for some puns to use to make the little tykes he teaches to play baseball laugh. He sounds so whole sound. But then again, if I know the internet well enough, this guy probably studies Baseball Puns to recite to avoid getting the shit whipped out of him by his dominatrix. "This one better make me laugh or I'll give you 40 lashes!" I just want to let you all know that it's taking all my will power to actually look up baseball puns right now.
April 2006:
Skull Fuck - One year later, and Skull Fuck is still searching for Skull Fuck with no sign of slowing.
Fat People - Looks like the Kath Bates guy decided to simplify his searching. Perhaps being a little less specific. Because really in the end, does it really have to be Kathy Bates when there are probably so many naked women on the internet that are the same size? You know, it wouldn't surprise me if there wasn't a website that caters to a specific kind of porn where all it's models are Kathy Bates impersonates. Or you know, really, you could start a newsgroup where you put Kathy Bate's head on other women's naked bodies, it worked for Gillian Anderson perverts, it could work for you. On an unrelated note, speaking of said Gillian Anderson newsgroup, you know you've accomplished a lot in life with your meager graphic arts skills putting Gillian Anderson's body on other women's naked bodies, when she mentions that the newsgroup exists during one of her visits to the Rosy O'Donnel Show.
Bloody Cunts - I'm resisting any puns using the word "Flow"
Glasses Fuck - Shit, get over it, you will not find pictures of people fucking glasses. Christ, you better off looking for pictures of a leather chair tied up with rope.
April 2006 EASTER BONUS!:
I'm guessing because it was Easter my website was hit with an unusually large number of rabbit and bunny related hits. Including such classics as Stupid Rabbit, Stupid Bunny, Dumb Bunny, Rabbit Ass and Brer Rabbit. I can't wait until this easter to see what sort of depraved rabbit related searches I'll get. That's why I'm making a point to include Fucking a bloody rabbit in the butt to this rant to hopefully lour more sick-o's to my site by mistake.
May 2006:
Albert Einstein - Would never go to my website... Wait a second... What the hell happened to Skull Fuck? Holy shit, the number one search on my website was Albert Einstein this month? What the fuck is going on here?
Nestle Quik Bunny - Must be a hold over from Easter
Stupid Superman - Superman isn't stupid, he's gay.
Amityville Horror Inspection Pics - I love this. This is probably the type of person who wants to know the "Secret" behind the Nellis Airforce Base thinking it's UFO's and aliens when it's probably top secret military biological weapons that need to be contained in hermetically sealed labs in the middle of the desert for a reason. This mother fucker probably goes ghost hunting with electrometers too. AMITYVILLE WAS A HOAX. Jesus fuck. There are no such things as ghost, alien conspiracies, or Santa Clause. I'm quite sure the Tooth Fairy and Skull Fucking pictures on the internet aren't real either.
Bloody Cunts - I don't think bloody cunts exits either dude, it's all a hoax perpetuated by the Freemasons.
Arabic Scribbles - Because you know, I'm an ignorant fuck and I can't recognize Arabic as an actual language.
Creepy Light - Half the fat of your regular creepy, and 1/3 the calleries!
June 2006:
Propaganda Nestle - Oh here we go, the conspiracy nuts have finally fell off the fucking horse. Forget about JFK, or the Roswell cover-up, let's invest time into exposing the secret cadre of privileged people who are in control of the Nestle corporation who are subverting the will of our nations children with their chocolate milk mix. Get a fucking life.
Transformers Hentai - Well he practically married that last picture, now it's back to find a picture of Flash Lio Convoy flash Burning Convoy, while Burning Convoy is giving Cheato a pearl necklace.
Swim Kid - What the fuck is Swim Kid? No seriously. I'm at a loss as to what this search might have been for.
Arabic Fuck - Because people from the middle east are well known for their proliferation of pornography.
July 2006:
Cowboy in Briefs - We're not going there. In fact, I really miss my buddy Skull Fuck. I think back to the days when he was number one on my search result list and I get a tear to my eye. You know, me and Skull Fuck go way back, we've been through so much together. You know through all the problems I went through in life over the time I first gazed upon his search result on my website, I felt like he was there. Searching for Skull Fucking right next to me while I faced many of life's challenges. We were like partners. And what now? I'm abandoned, abandoned and left with Cowboy in Briefs instead.
Swim Kid - Oh fuck off Swim Kid, I'm upset.
Dumb Bunny - Easter was over three months ago.
Creepy Dog - Dog's aren't meant to be creepy, they're supposed to be cute and cuddly, don't you know anything?
Rabid Dog - Well when you can't find a creepy one, I suppose a rabid one will do in a pinch.
Topless Hula - A topless Hula. That's funny, because Hula is a dance not a person. If should be a little specific when you do a web search. So far as I know a dance cannot be topless as it does not have a top which requires to be covered.
August 2006:
Fat People - I cannot deny the comedic potential of obese people. And I'm comfortable that at least a normal (if not juvenile) search result ended up in number one over my dearly departed Skull Fuck.
Melanie Crush - This is probably that one guy in Australia who got arrested and had a restraining order put on him by the actress who played Melanie on Degrassi. Dude, I think you're violating your parole.
Rabid Dog - Again, I'm left to wonder if this has anything to do with fucking rabbit dogs.
Bloody Cunts - I think I drained the comedy well for making witty comments about people searching for bloody vaginas on the internet.
Kathy Bates Nude - HEY! The Kathy Bates Nude guy is back! Fuck man, you know just go out and buy the fucking movie for Christ's sake! Blockbuster carries it for fucks sake! You know what, actually order it from Netflicks! Even if you're a totally lazy bastard who is so insecure that he never leaves his computer I'm sure you have a credit card and can order the damn movie online and watch it to your heart's content!
Andre the Giant - We're not going there.
Retard in Chinese - Was probably searched for by a retard. I'm envisioning this kid in middle school who really hates the one Chinese kid in his cracker white rich kid school because the Chinese kid is really smart, so he's looking up how to say Retard in Chinese. Yeah, that'll show him for being so smart. I bet the next day he was looking up "gay" in Chinese, because making an affront to someone's sexuality in high school is the kiss of death socially.
September 2006:
Fucking Comics - This is probably some guy who's looking for pictures of people ejaculating on the works of John Byrne.
Topless Hula - Again, a dance cannot be topless, Hula girls can be topless. Try searching for that.
Bloody Cunts - Christ. Give up, please!
Skull Fucking - OH MY GOD! Where you been dude? We missed you! You have no idea on all the things you've been missing out on! How you've been? How are the kids?
Dumb Bunny Smart Ass - Because nothing makes more sense than a dumb bunny that's a smart ass. God, no short of stupidity here on the internet today.
Fat Ugly Guy - Try looking in the mirror
Superman on Crack - Oh fuck off.
Transformers Hentai - Hey! Another old favorite! Now this time he's looking for pictures of the Aerialbots doing a Scramble City recombination while simultaneously tea-bagging the Stunticons while they're doing the SAME thing.
October 2006:
Bloody Cunts - You know for the amount of pictures of this there is probably out there in internet land, I'm surprised the guy who undoubtedly types this into Google multiple times every month hasn't book marked all the sites.
Thugs - Yo yo yo, word up to my homie Biggy up dere in Heaven. Respect. G. Yeah. C'Mon.
Transformers Hentai - Got to find that rare pic of Rad and Carlos getting gang banged by a group of unruly Mini-Cons.
Fat People - Eat a lot of Ham. Just ask my Ex-Girlfriend (ZING! That never get's old!)
How to Cut a Mullet - Gosh darn it, I ain' t got past the part were it says "wash before cutting" what on gawd's green Earth does that mean?
November 2006:
Guys Fighting - Guys fighting. Fuck. That has to be possibly one of the weakest searches I've seen in my life. AND WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO SKULL FUCK? He was making a come back, I was sure of it! Anyway, I think due to the advent of viral video, I'm probably going to get a lot more of these stupid fucking searches, because there are bound to be fifty billion fucking asshole's out there who still don't have the fucking YouTube website address memorized or some shit.
Drugs - Drugs Drugs, which are good, which are bad? Drugs drugs drugs, ask your mom or ask your dad.
Transformers Hentai - I want you to Superlink my butthole!
Asian Geek - Isn't that the entire population of Japan? Hey it's okay to make fun of Japan, they have a sense of humor... and they don't have a nuclear weapons program. Go figure you have to drop a nuclear bomb on some country for them to think owning them probably isn't such a hot idea.
Drunk - Not yet, I'm working on it.
Kid With Mullet - Because exploiting children for the sake of a good laugh on the internet is always a good time.
December 2006:
Spiderman Poison - I bet the person who was looking for it was a five year old kid. No way this could be a weird thing involving fucking.
Fat Chinese Kid - Still no www.fatchinesekid.com but that fat bastards photo blog is still up and going, knock yourself out!
Transformers Hentai - I want you to take your Transector and Galaxy Force it into my brown-eye and Maximize it's size shifting.
Thary Kok - Fwag Nug Kwag Kowana Ngo?
Lesbian Mullet - Because if children with mullets wasn't funny enough for you, apparently lesbians with mullets are even more funny.
January 2007:
Bloody Cunts - As if this reached number one.
Skull Fucking - But my buddy Skull Fucking is making a come back, c'mon you bastards, I've got 50 large on you winning this race!
Thugs - My definition of a Thug.
Ugliest Woman - Is your mom.
Vapor Ranger - Is probably a really novel name for your crack pipe.
Boys Urinating - I'm not even touching this one with a ten foot pole.
February 2007:
Coming around in first is Transformers Hentai followed by Skull Fucking, Mullet Lesbian coming in at a close third, with Bloody Cunt falling in behind, Ugliest Woman is neck and neck with Fucking Comics with new comers Home Girl Fucked and Bipolar Selfish coming in the rear.
Shit, you know if you're ever a jockey stuck for what to name your horse, find some search engine results, you'll have your horse named in no time.
March 2007:
Teacher Pussy - Because there nothing hotter than "three months to retirement" teacher pussy.
Ugliest Woman - Is still your mom.
Aztec Graffiti - probably goes something like this "Plztokztozzoz totally sucks the Spanish molten Gold!"
Jim Varney - IS FUCKING DEAD! GET OVER IT!
I now end this commentary with the last most popular search to date. I could find no two better words to end this commentary myself:
Penis Dots
Actually, that is not the last thing. I actually would like to hear from my friend Skull Fuck. If you are out there Skull Fuck and you are reading this and can prove your identity I would like to speak to you please contact me at my e-mail address, I would like to hear your tragic tale and perhaps share it with my readers.