I had to write this some day, it just had to be done. I don't think people ever really realize that someone who operates a website can check and see exactly what people typed in on Google or Yahoo or various other search engines to find their site.
About every month or so I take a peek at my website statistics because I have no semblance of a life. Not because I give a shit about how many people visit my website or what section of it they like to visit. But because I want to take a look at what the fuck people search for to find my website in the chotic mess that is the Internet.
Now, I'm going to omit "innocent" searches that were for specific things, and only list all the sick and weird shit people searched for and SOMEHOW found my website (and perhaps trick a few more of those sick assholes into coming back here and make me feel like I'm not wasting my money having my own website.)
So we'll go as far back as February 2005 when my old website www.nausiatedchicken.com became www.dorkswithoutfaces.com and go from there. And if you really want to have some fun, try looking these searches up on Google or whatever and see what they drum up. I have done so for selected search engine hits.
February 2005:
The only search that we had was for Ryan Gabrielson, who wrote a few bits for the website, he's a member of the Vancouver punk band Martial Law. He probably was checking to see how easy access it was for him to offend people with his rant that he wrote for us in his segment "From the Desk of Ryan Gabrielson" which is by far one of the most offensive things on this site. But that's our Ryan. We don't have it up anymore because no matter what he tried people wouldn't come to the site (I could have sworn the picture of Hitler fucking Mohamad in the ass would have at least resulted in ticking packages being sent to my house, but apparently not.)
April 2005:
Appeared to be the first real month that people started searching for shit that led them to my website, which was probably because there was more content online, and by that point I was on Google and the like. Of the various searches people did of the internet the following jumped out and bitch slapped me:
Shitty Villians: Wow aren't we the king of vagueness? The thing that makes me wonder what the hell people are really looking for when they do a search like this. Are they looking for shitty villians, villians shitting on themselves, villians who think they are shitty? And what kind of villians? I know this isn't that funny, but god damn it, you're not going to find anything typing in something so pathetic on your search engine. There is probably some guy out there in internet land with a Google screen that says "Could not locate search cryteria" crying to himself softly because he wanted to read some smart ass nerds comments about the shitty characters that DC Comics created during their Pre-Crisis era. Yeah keep on searching for scathing commentaries on the Clock King. That's why you are still in your parents basement, like I am. Fag.
Search Engine Hits for "Shitty Villians": In spite of the fact that it was spelled wrong, it still made at hit on the legendary Seanbaby's website. It also found a really lame poem on a site called "Villains and Voyers - The Divine Masturbator"
computer track holy wood gun pictures: I swear to god somebody gave Jeff Towne access to the internet..... And probably only four people got that joke. This yeilded no direct hits via a search engine.
joke children shitty drawings: Hey good for you, some moron who's trying to find Maddox's website. If you were looking for that caliber of material you sure as hell wouldn't stay on my site for a long time. They call it the best website in the universe for a reason.
who is bango skank: Why don't you ask Stephen King or Peter Straub, one of them should know.
Now I thought things would be relativly tame, I mean so far it only looked like complete idiots visited my website. Which for me wasn't so bad, because it appeared that was the audience I was catering to... I think. That's when the perverts started finding my website...
May 2005:
fuck a peeled banana: I kid you not. There is some guy out there looking for pictures of people fucking themselves with banana's. I can say that chances are if you want pictures of this the only place you'd probably find them would be on a fetish site somewhere out there in internet land that charges a small fortune for a one month membership. Interesting enough, upon searching this on a search engine one of the links took me to the Racial Slur database (They have one of these ?!?) apparently peeled bannana is a racial slur putting down "Americanised" Asians who act like whites. I find this funny because white people are always assimilating other cultures. But anyway, this opens a completely other realm of possibility as to what the hell this guy was looking for. Perhaps he was looking for Asian people getting fucked while holding Starbucks cups, or while draped in the stars and stripes? Also it will now make me feel uncomfortable using the term "peeled banana" in society for fear that someone will misinterpret my context and accuse me of a hate crime.
mullet guy with a speedo: What on earth someone would want to go searching for this abomination of nature is beyond me. I mean that is just down right creepy. There are looking at pictures that are funny because the person is without taste, but this is going WAY too far. This would be the equivilant of looking one of those 500 lb fat women on uglypeople.com . It's NOT funny. It's just fucking creepy. Looking for it on purpose is just.. just... scary.
June 2005:
Now the month of June brough a whole bunch of people looking for Degrassi related things, probably what brought them to my site was my gripping exposé of the first season of the classic Degrassi Junior High. It also brought on the start of people looking for the most common search that brings people to my website.. Which is our first entry on that month.
skull fuck: Yes folks, there is someone out there that is looking for pictures of someone skull fucking. I'm not sure if they're looking for pictures of aggressive blow jobs or maybe they're looking for pictures of someone fucking an eye socket, or maybe even someone getting fucked up the nose. Unless they are talking literally, then they are probably looking up people litterally fucking skulls. I can see this secret society of fetishers who break into museums and stick their genitals into the eye sockets of plaster recreations of cromagnem & wolly mammoth skulls.
'racial stereo typing':Look man, there is definantly none of that going on my website! Sends your lawyers away they got nothing on me see?
a big shit: I invision a scene of an insecure teenager fucking around on a computer at school trying to find things on the internet that he thinks are funny so he can impress his friends. He'd probably be like "Look man, I found this picture of a big shit in a toilet! Isn't that funny dude?" and then being made fun of for looking up pictures of shit. This will probably cause the child to have some weird psychosis that will manifest into a full fledge shit-picture-downloading fetish and an alternative life style that will quite possibly be really embarassing to his family when they find his body floating face down inside a septic tank when he's 40.
a place where i can watch degrassi episodes: Would probably be in this persons bedroom with the blinds drawn because they are too ashamed. What the hell is this? Either he is the most naieve or the most polite peer2peer downloader on the face of the Earth. Apparently the most stupid because he's trying to find a place to download FROM a search engine. Way to go Einstein. Good luck with you're Degrassi viewing. They're probably the type of person when socailizing with their friends will say something like "I HEARD U CAN DOWNLOAD DEGRASSY EPS ONLINE! I LUKED ONLINE EVRYWHERE!" (Because you know they probably sound the way they type) and when they're friend goes "Yeah, I found some on Kaaza" it'll lead to a 10 minute argument where the idiots going "THAT'S NAWT WHAT IT'S CALD! URE DUMB DUMB LMAF!!"
acting for degrassi: There is somewhere in the world where a teary eyed fat kid is trying despirately to get an acting job on Degrassi, thinking that they'd be just what the producers of the show are looking for, and it's also a vein hope of fame and fortune and making possibly making a friend -- or even going out on a date! WITH A GIRL! Either that or some prissy tween that figures she's a sex object when she's this creepy pre-pubecant girl-thing, and is trying despirately to replace one of the cast members she REALLY doesn't like because she can do SO a better JOB!
July 2005:
Around July 2005 I was still getting Degrassi searches, and some people still enjoyed searching for Skull Fucking. Ever since I ran that bit about fans who take things way too far, people have been looking on my website for Transformers Hentai.
August 2005:
Some weird mother fucker was looking up Bra Stuffing!! Skull fucking is still a popular search choice when trying to find my website as well. I can see this guy looking for skull fucking pictures and coming up short every night and is so worked up just masturbates to that one sentance on my whole website where I use the term skull fucking.
That's about it, a lot of it is a variation on the same crap I've mentioned above, but holy shit, people are fucking strange. That's all for now!