The concept of internet personals is not a new one, it wasn't long before the internet's conception that handful of lonely guys on their dial-up modems decided to post the first internet personals.
The internet personals scene wasn't that great to begin with, considering that everyone who posted were exclusively programmers from MIT, but this soon changed with the advent of women on the internet.
This new and exciting concept opened up many possibilities in the world of internet dating. However, this turned out to be a false start because in those early days that naked virgin girl you thought you were chatting with really turned out to be a 400 lb fat guy named Guss who is a convicted sex offender in seven states.
Soon the internet became easily accessible to all sorts of people, including real women. However the eventual flaw with this plan is that the information super-all-boys club couldn't stop the in flux of other guys joining on. That and nobody was making people take sanity tests before firing up Internet Explorer.
This opened the flood gates to all sorts of sad, and depraved individuals, from posting their desperate cry's for affection. The more repressed, the more specific and ridiculous their fantasies and desires may be.
There is no shortage of these sites out there, some are more extreme than others, we decided to select some adds from our area from the Kijiji website. Mostly because it's new and popular and I'm lazy to look anywhere else to make fun of anonymous internet people.
I'd like to thank Em for showing me the comedic potential for this site and finding most of these articles for me.
No Strings Attached on Labor Day:
I'm 26, male, average looking, looking for a girl to come by and screw my brains out if she likes my picture. I have my own place or can go to yours. Please attach your pic (I'm not picky if you aren't, but it should be recent please) and we can chat on MSN or over the phone.
The funny thing about this article is when you actually click on that link and take a look at this guys picture. Otherwise it just reeks of pathetic single guy who is desperate enough to have really low standards. The picture is what makes this humorous to me. I mean look at that face! Those eyes! He looks like the kind of guy who's probably going to hollow out your strangled corpse and roll around in your slowly cooling entrails -- NUDE. He strikes me as the kind of guy who invested in a home with a dirt floor basement.
Well other than that, you could either figure him as one of those really creepy harmless guys. Harmless yes, but very very creepy. Perhaps after that 30 second moment of intercourse he's break down and start crying -- perhaps even going so far as blaming his bitch of an ex-girlfriend (Who was probably 13) who left him for somebody her own age. The worst thing to happen is that he'd probably end up threatening to kill himself by stabbing himself to death or jumping out a window or something. I'd say you should just let him have at her, call his bluff we all know it's a cry for attention. We'll all get a good laugh when the paramedics tell him it's very hard to kill yourself by stabbing the side of your head with a butter knife.
Pulling the "Single Parent" Guilt Card:
http://ottawa.kijiji.ca/c-personals-casual-encounters-male-service-offerd-W0QQAdIdZ22386835
white male 28y 6f 185p, well built,, dark i am single dad in need of some extra money to get at end month i only make out calls service for women only, discretion asured, email for pictures and rates
Wow a single dad who is well built and has a hard time getting enough money to last the end of the month! You have to admit that you fail as a male escort when you try to sell your clients on the whole "I have a mouth to feed" guilt trip. That might work for a woman, but a guy? Especially someone who is apparently well built. I mean, essentially you're saying you want to get paid for having sex with women because you're too lazy to get a job or you're really irresponsible with your money. Em raised a very good point with this one "Why would a woman pay this guy for sex when we could just pick up a guy for free." She neglected to note the fact that picking up said guy for free would be a pay-off too because he'd probably buy you a lot of drinks. Just be sure not to pick up this guy.
Grandpa, No!
I am 43 year old gentleman living in the west end of Ottawa. I am fun loving, easy going, honest, and very romantic. I am 5' 7", 198lbs, brown hair and eyes. I enjoy nature, playing cards, computers, dinning out, garage sales, Sci-fi movies, all things geeky and meeting new people. I am not very good at these things. I don't smoke, drink (only once in awhile), or do drugs. I love meeting people and trying new things.
I am looking for woman who honest and share some of my interest but not all, I want to try new things. Age doesn't matter, maturity does, weight is not a issue but I find myself attracted to BBW's or woman with a curves in the right place. You must not be a non-smoker, drugs user, or drink a lot. I think it comes down to seeing if we click or not. The only thing I say for sure is that I am here searching for special woman who can rock my socks off.
Dear god, this is me in 20 years if I don't smarten up.
http://ottawa.kijiji.ca/c-personals-women-seeking-men-L-W0QQAdIdZ21933248
Im looking for someone who would like to take me on a shopping spree :) Im 18, 5 8", brunette, blue eyes, voluptuous, full figured (curvy) Willing to do things for this ;)
In other words: I'm fat, help me try and look sexy. Please! Obviously only the most deprived and perverted would answer this. Assuming the subject of this little post really is an 18 year old girl. It's a tough call because the use of the word "voluptuous" and "full figured (curvy)" could only be the machinations of a girl with a very low self image trying to make their fatness sound sexy (which in these cases it's usually the opposite.) But on the other hand this could be the work of an expert predator who is an expert at writing like an insecure 18 year old fat ass, who posted this in hopes of luring a young man into his busy, busy hands.
Perverted Window Washer
Hi, I have a good job this would be my part-time job week days or weekends I would wash your windows for free in exchange of being able to look at you undressing at the same time I would wash your windows and maybe if you like It would be a pleasure for me to make love to you!!!!!! I am very nice male friendly shy a bit good looking fit 5'10" 190lbs. It's a fantasy of mine!!!!! if you have any question please feel free to send me a message. Hope to here from you!!!!
You know, I love a sexual deviant that identifies that he is fully self sufficient. A good job is important. It's a good thing this window cleaning/voyeurism thing is just a hobby, I don't think that he'd get much business. I mean there are agencies that send people over to your place to clean up your house: NUDE. Now I'm not sure if they'll "make love" to you, but you have to admit for the amount of money your paying the added value of naked people scrubbing your toilet compared to this guy watching you get changed while washing your windows is beat out. And how is he going to clean your window anyway? With his tongue? Man if I were a woman, I'd hire this guy and then be a real dick about his window cleaning job. I'd constantly tell him that he missed spots. I love how people who are looking for casual encounters use the term "make love." Like it makes it sound more polite or something. Look can't we all just agree that when you're propositioning somebody for deviant sex they probably are the kind that wouldn't blink if you flat out said "Can I fuck you in the stink hole?"
Looking For an Ugly Fuck
http://ottawa.kijiji.ca/c-personals-casual-encounters-Boring-guy-W0QQAdIdZ20495578
Boring guy,47 and ugly but has good sense of humor looking for an ugly lady to have boring times with and maybe have some demeaning sex along the joyous way. If excited please don't reply...lol.
You know an ugly guy with a sense of humor looking for an ugly woman to pass the time might not be a good idea for those with a delicate self esteem. I suppose he can really appreciate the humor of his situation. I figure when this guy's dream comes true it'll look something like this.
Diaries of a Butt Pamperer
http://ottawa.kijiji.ca/c-personals-casual-encounters-butt-lover-W0QQAdIdZ16642610
40's male. I am hoping to meet with a woman, who enjoys having her butt pampered.. I like to give special attention to a nice butt.. i would worship your butt for hours at a time, if you like..please let me know, if you are interested
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I was under the impression that the human butt doesn't really have any sort of sentience, so technically speaking it wouldn't be able to appreciate a good pampering. However, that being said, you really have to wonder what the hell this guy's idea of "pampering" is? I mean, dude, give me something to work with here. What if my idea of pampering my butt involves some light oil rubbing, maybe some sensual massages, and no spanking, and you're involves biting a chunk out of the cleft of my ass and dumping live eels down my butthole? You know, when it comes to these sort of propositions you have to get into a little greater detail.
Lady, you might want to consider a restraining order sometime in the near future.
http://ottawa.kijiji.ca/c-personals-casual-encounters-barrhaven-blondie-W0QQAdIdZ22161812
looking for the blonde hottie, mother of three, who lives near catholic school in barrhaven on crestway, you drive a silver mazda mpv minivan with a personalized plate...email me, i'd love to have some "fun" with you!!
Wow. I don't know if I find this one more creepy or funny. You know, I can see this guy having a shrine to this woman in his basement. Of course, the only time he sees this woman is when she's dropping her kids off to school, so you know they're probably shots of her driving away in her mini-van and the best you can see of her is kind of this over the shoulder behind shot as she's checking for traffic as she's pulling out. I think it's also additionally funny that this guy thinks a mother of three dropping her kids off at a catholic school in an upper-class neighborhood would be suggestible to the wants of a voyeur who would post his request for coitus on an online site like Kijiji. I think the odds of her finding his post are about next to nil, and I get the feeling that in the event that she did I get the idea that perhaps what she'd want to do would be the diametric opposite of "fun". That is unless your idea of fun is a cease and desist order. But considering the state of mind this guy is in, he'd probably jerk off while reading it every night. Smelling it and perhaps believing it has her sent (but it's probably the cheap cologne of her rather pink and oily lawyer.)
Calling All Swingers!
http://ottawa.kijiji.ca/c-personals-men-seeking-women-Ottawa-Hotel-Orgy-W0QQAdIdZ22388144
Still looking for ladies and gents to join the orgy? I'm coming to Ottawa for business and would love to hold an orgy in my hotel room Sept 22. This will be a disease and a drug free get together. Single and couples welcomed - you must be b/t the ages of 19-40... please this is serious I had a great time last time I did this in another city – don’t miss this chance – come and join the fun.... you MUST send me a description of your self and 2 pics (head shot or body) with a contact number. As soon as I have the desired amount of people I will contact you with the place and time.
"Still looking for ladies and gents to join the orgy?" This guy doesn't sound like he's too sure if he needs more people or not. Well if you've got less than three people chances are you don't have enough people for an orgy. I mean, I suppose you could have an orgy of one if you've got a vivid enough imagination. So I'm getting the impression that by day this guy is a mild mannered business man, by night he is a swinging orgy partier. I get the impression he's going to get more requests from single men then from couples or women on this one. Especially one guy who'll be all like "DUDE, Did you get enough people yet!?!?!", with luck it'll probably be the Labor Day fling guy. "I'm still looking for somebody to screw my brains out, Labor Day wasn't exactly the biggest success story in my life y'know?" I love how cautions people not to miss out on this chance. Like it's going to be some huge orgasmic epic that will be unchallenged for decades and generations to come. Look buddy, unless you have some proof to back up that this is an event that I'm going to want to mark on my calendar you're going to have to be quite the impressive orgy planner. But considering your PR campaign is on Kijiji with no pictures, I'm going to have to file that under "I highly doubt it." I bet he's trying to impress us about this "other city" where he had a really fun orgy. Like make us think he is an orgy-MASTER. He brags to his co-workers between business trips and they're like "So where was this orgy again?" and he's all like "You know, in that city. It was at the Ramada Inn. But I can't tell you where to protect people you know."
How Sweet, Dark Meat.
Sensuous married lady who likes to dress provocatively would like to meet well endowed black male for first "Black male" experience. Would prefer husband to be present, but he does not have to particpate. He can simply watch and drool.....Write me a line if interested and a picture would be appreciated. Au plaisir.... Cheriehot....x0x0x0
So essentially you're looking to find a well hung black guy with low standards to have sex with you in front of your husband. Your husband, understanding guy that he probably is, would be sitting there drooling apparently. Torrents of drool from the sound of it. Totally requiring a bucket there. I like how she uses the term "black male" in brackets. Like their existence is possibly disputable. I can assure you ma'am black males do exist.
Next Best Thing To Picking Up At a Retirement Home:
http://ottawa.kijiji.ca/c-personals-men-seeking-women-21-boy-needs-older-woman-40-W0QQAdIdZ19310847
Hey, I think I'm too shy to feel comfortable with all these young girls. And I see many older men always desiring young girls, so I think some older women probably want a young lad sometimes. So I really like the thought of "being" with an older woman, like 40, 50 would be cool, 60 would be nice, 70 would be better. I'm serious. I dont want to go to a retirement home to meet girls though, he he he. I think an older woman could help liberate me.A stunning feat of logic here: Older men like younger women? Holy shit folks, stop the presses! This is big! His next big brainstorm is that older women would like younger men! This guys abilities of deduction are un-fucking-canny. Apparently the only way to overcome his shyness and comfortability with "all these young girls" is to "be" with older ladies. Well I suppose if you consider his perspective he might be onto something. What's there to be shy about when you're dealing with somebody who's living with incontinence and spider-veins? I mean seriously. That's a big confidence booster. "I may not be able to talk to young girls, but at least I don't have to wear a catheter!" or "I may only able to get hard from watching Danish men chase donkeys with their pants down, but at least my tits don't sag to my knees." Or "Even though I lack even the most basic social skills and ability to engage in healthy conversation with people my own age and have a complex sexual dysfunction, at least I'm not hooked up to a life support machine and smoke through a tracheotomy because I'm a tough ol' bird that used to work in the factors to help the Allies fight the Nazi's and ironically am very anti-semetic and stuck in my old ways."
Virgin Wants Some Pointers:
http://ottawa.kijiji.ca/c-personals-casual-encounters-Looking-to-learn-by-watching-W0QQAdIdZ19197778
I'll be getting married in a couple weeks, but I'm a virgin. I am looking to watch a couple and see if I can learn a few things for my wedding night. I am a heavy mid-20s girl with short hair and green eyes. I'm available evenings only from 6pm until 11pm.
I'm going to comment on this on the good faith that this really is a virgin that is about to be married. First of all you have to wonder her approach to figuring out the mechanics of sex and how to do it reasonably well with no experience. There is a flood of adult content out there that would be easier to get than finding a couple that'll let a "heavy" girl watch them fuck. From this assessment alone, I get the idea that this is one of those girls who has been programmed to be so afraid and embarrassed by sex that she probably doesn't even know how to masturbate. The last and final thing that I'm going to have to say is that if her husband has been living a life of celibacy up to this point (and when I think about it, even if he didn't) having sex with his bride to be is apt to be very disappointing. Speaking from experience nothing is more disappointing not to mention embarrassing than having sex with a virgin that has no idea how their own plumbing works let alone yours. If I were stupid enough to get married I'll tell you one thing friends and neighbors: She's going to know how to fuck. Seeing how this was written a number of months, this guy is probably learning the folly of his choice of bride. Sure he'll tell himself "Well I married out of love, and I'm sure she'll get better. And then we can work on that whole crying thing. Maybe she'll even stop calling me daddy and trembling when I touch her." but you know you're just fooling yourself. Then some 20 years down the road, you'll be living an unfulfilling life with a low paying job, 2 ungrateful children, you'll be going bald. Your wife will have gone from "large" to "fucking gigantic" and she'll walk in on you while you in her underwear getting a handjob from a cheap prostitute with scabs all over her body. But that won't be the end of your horrible marriage. Oh no my friend, no punking out and getting a divorce like a smart person would do. See, she'd insist that you just need to work things out, and that love conquers all and all that blah blah blah. Next thing you know it, you're on the day-time talk show circuit. First you start off on Dr. Phil, he's going to hawk a bunch of books and promise to follow up on your progress until you aren't marketable anymore. Then you'll continue to spiral out of control, the next five years will be a blur and when you finally come too you'll realize you're on the Murray Povitch show, on one of those paternity test episodes... for your daughter... And you're the daddy. By that point suicide or mass murder will be the only viable options left to you. Just remember, dead men cannot make book deals and live comfortable when doing 20 to life. S'all I'm saying. Just looking out for you brah.